Early Morning Spankings

Two mornings in a row Dragon woke me in grand style.  With the paddle!  He loves to wake me with kisses and love making.  That is the norm.  The paddle isn't a new idea but it has been a while since he has used it that way.

Sunday morning the sun was up but neither one of us wanted to start the day.  He decided it was time to get moving but I had other ideas.  After fooling around like two teenagers for about 30 minutes he decided it was time.  The covers came down and he grabbed the only paddle left in the house.  Balsa.

Balsa is a very soft wood.  All pop and just a little sting.  But let me tell you, Dragon can make that paddle talk.  My bottom got the message hard and fast.  He put his weight across my back, a signal to me that it is going to be a hard one and gave me a few memory swats.  I didn't know it was possible to give memory swats with that paddle!  Now I know!  Lesson learned.

It wasn't a punishment but it serve to reconnect us.  I didn't get much done yesterday.  I felt off all day.  Dizzy and tired.  Almost sick but not quite.  Off?  I don't know.  It was a lazy day.  So lazy for me that I had the kids take the Christmas decorations down instead of doing it myself.  I need to repack them but I was happy to have some help this year.

It is funny how it works.  When I talk about DD with him, he is much more attentive.  He said the reason he doesn't punish more often is just that he is tired from long work days.  Well....  I reminded him about non spanking punishments that take little or no effort from him.  Now what did I do that for?  Honestly?  I like what the DD dynamic does for our relationship.  I like what it does for both of us.  I don't like being spanked or punished in any way but it brings us closer.

Today is a work day for him but we still made love this morning.  Unusual but nice.  I think I want to do this again!  Just before he got me out of bed, the paddle came out again.  Not as hard as yesterday but just enough to let me know he cares.    Funny how that works, isn't it?

Update on my leg.  The bruising is just a faint outline now with a hard knot still in the center.  It doesn't bother me at all anymore.  I am doing my step aerobics two times a day and walking to the mail box several times a day, just to walk and get out of the house.  Dragon says that my hips are getting slimmer and my butt is getting a very nice shape to it.  :)  I think I'll keep doing what I am doing.

Obsession

I loved that my fitness pal thing.  Loved it.  I could track my activity level and food too.  I didn't even have to do the math to track those nasty calories   Just one problem.  I am anna.  "Recovered" but still anna.  It never really goes away.

I obsessed.

Majorly

Every bite of food.  Every sip of water.  Every minute spent moving.

What does that add up to?  One unhealthy me.

No scales in the house and now that fitness thingy is gone too.

I had to take a break from exercise when I hurt my leg.  Now that it is starting to look better and feel better, I can get back to it.  No obsession.  Just simple exercise to stay healthy.

I eat about every two hours.  Not a full meal but I try to make those calories count.  Fruit, vegetables and whole grains.

I would like for my weight to be 130-140.  It will take time to get there the healthy way.  Oh I could do it on just a few months but not the right way.  My leg was a set back but it won't stop me from trying to live healthier.

Day one   15 minutes of step aerobics   No idea what my weight is.  It doesn't matter.
Day two  Today! ! !  15 minutes of step aerobics again.  Consistent!

A friend of ours is going to give us a tread mill!  Yippee!  I walked our old one to death.  I killed it.  That will give me another option!  Happy me.  My goal right now?  My new jeans are a size 12.  Down from a 14 this summer.  So my new goal is to be in a size 10 by spring.  I can do it!  When a size 10 fits, then I'll try to get a new weight to see what kind of progress I am making with BMI.  The gold standard of health right now according to my doctor.

White Christmas

Even way down south, we had a white Christmas.

Dragon left for work at his usual time on the 24th prepared for a busy day.  What we didn't expect was an insane day.  He got home at 2 am Christmas morning.  An 18 hour work day.  We usually open presents and have a special dinner Christmas Eve but not this year.  I made chicken and dumplings and snuggled with the kids on the couch.

I warned the kids that the pickin's would be slim this year.  ONE present only.  They were prepared.  And they were all happy with what they got.   I used a gift card to get a small fish tank but ran out of money for fish.  My son offered to use his birthday money to get a few fish.  That was so sweet.  Two of the kids asked for fish but I couldn't figure out which one to give the thank to, so I got it for myself.  I'll end up taking care of the tank anyway.

No Christmas spanking for me this year.  My leg still looks awful.  The bruise looks like an thunderstorm cloud.  sickly yellowish brown with a long, narrow, hard lump in the center.  It isn't sore anymore but is a long way from being completely healed.   Dragon struggle too much during the holidays anyway to to stay on top of DD.  We help each other during this time of the year with gentile reminders.    A touch, a look and a frequent hugs to help keep us balanced.

We will leave our decoration up until the first.  New Years day the house will return to normal.

The Christmas Jar

Every year I read Christmas stories to our family.  Last year, one of the books I read was called "Christmas Jars"  It is about a family that collects spare change  all year long in a jar.  On Christmas day they give the jar to someone who looks like they need a blessing.  

This year we made our own Christmas jar and delivered it yesterday.  I sat the jar on the front porch and rang the door bell.  It is my hope that they found a blessing in that jar of change.  It wasn't much this year.  Hopefully next year we can use a bigger jar and hide a bigger blessing in the center of the jar.  

I just got some sad news.  A little girl we knew passed away.  She was about 15 years old and full of promise as all young people are.  She was in a car accident and lived for only 6 days.  My prayers this year are for her family.  Now I have to tell my kids on Christmas Eve.  I don't want to do it but I think they need to hear it.  It wouldn't be right to hide it from them.  

We will make our cookies and candies.  Latter, I will fix our evening meal and celebrate the birth of a little baby.  

The gifts are wrapped and under the tree.  Fewer than I have ever seen but we have much to be thankful for.  

What do you think?

I got this in reply to my last post.

Hi Dragon's Rose! I am an editor for an online magazine called Top Floor - www.topfloormagonline.com - and would love to do an email interview with you about your blog and your lifestyle particularly from the standpoint of you being Christian and a conservative. I think there's a lot of assumptions out there that only politically liberal or far-left people enjoy D/s activities. It would be for the April issue. If interested, contact me at hwestebooks@yahoo.com , I'm also on Twitter. Thanks again, hope to hear from you when you have a moment. I know things are hectic this time of year! Merry Christmas to you and your family! All the best, Honey West :) on Christmas is Saved

I will talk this over with Dragon before any decision is made.  There is no way I would do something like this without his consent.  It is his life too after all!

But still.  I value your opinion.

What do you think?

The Grinch

Dragon was all Humbug about Christmas.  Rude people, bad traffic and too many shoppers.  Too much work for him.  He didn't complain about the over time, just people.  So I called him The Grinch.

I didn't realize what was wrong.  It was that old PTSD thing biting him in the backside again.  On Christmas day, a few years ago, he was in Afghanistan.  When I spoke to him on the phone I heard soft, muffled booms.  That was the incoming stuff that really didn't hit anything.  The louder booms were the more efficient out going bombs that did what they were intended to do.   

There were no lives lost on the FOB where Dragon was but several people died at a FOB near by.  Every year he hurts for those soldiers that went home in a box.  When Dragon was scheduled to return home several days latter, his plane was no longer available.  That plane was taking someone else home.  Dragon didn't complain.  He stepped aside quietly and waited two weeks for the next plane and for the snow to quit.  No landing a plane in a blizzard.  

Last night we were out driving around, looking for the prettiest lights in town.  Dragon got very quiet and distant.  Flying in the distance, he saw 3 planes flying in formation.  A trigger.

It breaks my heart that he can't even enjoy the simple things in life without remembering the worst.    I hate this.

Good news though.  When I called him The Grinch, he realized what was happening and turned it all over to God in prayer.  He is doing better, not perfect but better.

He wrote the name of a local Catholic church down and two contact numbers.  We may finally be moving forward with finding a few church.

Maybe.

Christmas is Saved

My mom was able to send a little and my father in law gave us enough cash to get to payday.  The paycheck will be enough to so shopping for the kiddies.  All this over time Dragon is getting does have some advantages!

They won't have a big Christmas but it will be enough.  3 gifts each from Santa plus a few presents under the tree.  I am glad that they expect socks and underwear.  That is what they will get to unwrap on the 24th.

Blogger Day of Silence

I will be observing a day of blogging silence for the little angels who just recently arrived in heaven.

December 18, 2012

Grounded???

  

NO NO NO NO NO NO NONONONONONONO

Sigh…..  Yes

And over a fall…

Ok it was a really bad fall. 

I was in the shower getting cleaned up and ready to go to the family Christmas party.  Hair washed and body clean.  All I needed was the razor.  It was sitting beside the sink, well out of my reach.  I opened the sliding glass door that encloses the bath, put one foot out of the tub and reached.  When I had the razor in hand I put my weight on the foot still in the tub to just step right back in.

This is something I have done almost every time I have showered in this new house.  50 times?  A Hundred times?  Who knows.  I haven’t counted how many showers I have taken here.  And all without any accidents. 

I put my weight on that foot still in the tub, on a very slippery surface.  My foot slipped out from under me and I fell backwards.  The back of my leg hit the railing that hold the glass in place.  Pain.  OH MY GOD.  No that is not a curse.  That was my prayer.  GoD HElP me.  I stood there after I got my balance, dizzy, nauseated and shaking with pain so intense I thought I was going to pass out. 

Is that what child birth feels like?  I can’t remember childbirth but I know I didn't cry.  Yesterday, tears leaked from my eyes.  It hurt too bad to bawl like a baby.  I called Mina because Dragon was at work.  Razor forgotten, she helped me out of the shower and stayed with me until the dizziness passed and I could get dressed. 

Today I have a spectacular bruise across the back of my thigh.  About football sized and swollen.  Needless to say, I am using my  walking stick.  Ice packs, heating pads and Nsaids are my friends. 

Now as for being grounded? I asked about my Sunday spanking.  After all I need my reward!  I behaved at the Christmas party even being in pain I behaved! 

Nope…..

Grounded……

Until my leg is completely healed. 

Blag…..

Dragon says he has to keep me safe.  Especially when I seem to be on a self-destructive streak.  I think I will ask for a box of chocolates instead.  I think it is a good trade.  (Dragon just laughed at me.  What a jackalope.)

I can't pray

I can't think of the words to pray.  The words I say feel empty.  What do you say to mother who just lost her small child to a stone killer.  It is ok to be mad at your mother.  It isn't ok to kill a classroom full of children because you are angry.  What kind of monster does something like this?  All those presents that will never be opened.  No smiles or squeals of joy.  Only sadness for so many families this year.

Me?  I'll do what i always do.  I will cry at my sewing machine.  Sew to forget.  Sew to understand.  Maybe by tomorrow I'll be fit to face family for the Christmas party.  I can't even think about that now.  I don't want to think about it.

What can you do for a family that has lost so much?  Nothing is enough to heal their pain.  Not even time will heal this one.

Home owner no more

I no longer own a home.  Now that we aren't paying for two houses, up keep and utilities, maybe we can get back on our feet.

Some how all I feel is loss.

Today I am making MIL an apron for her birthday.  I am going to use the same fabric to make my own mother one.  It is a good project for me and my little flower to share.  Time to connect with my youngest daughter.

See?  Good things do come out of times of trial.  Even if I do get it wrong more often than I get it right.

Wanted: A better attitude

Christmas seems to bring out the worst in me.  I can't seem to find a gracious bone in my body when it comes to extended family.  A few years ago my SIL had two mortgages and couldn't afford Christmas presents for her one child.  This was several years after her husband separated from the military and before the divorce.  The entire family rallied around them and purchased gifts for the pregnant teen.

Fast forward a few years.  We have a mortgage and rent.  Sometimes bills don't get payed on time.  One will wait a few weeks to keep the power on or fill the the propane tank.  The house is sold but we still payed the payment this month.  Now Jan 1 we won't owe that payment but we will have to repair our credit.  That will take time.  I am not sure how long it will stay on our credit history.

We have one more pay check between now and Christmas and not enough money to fill the propane tank.  Since we heat our water and house with it, it is a necessity.  Buy gas or make sure the kids get a few necessities for Christmas.  They usually get 3 decent gifts from Santa.  One big thing and two smaller gifts with a stocking stuffed with nick-nacks and batteries.  Wrapped under the tree they get necessities.  A new outfit, pajamas, socks and underwear.

This year they each have just one gift.  Not a big deal right?  They are all old enough to understand mom and dad are a little short on cash this year.  Right?  My mom will be sending $50 each.  That will get the a gift or two to unwrap from my mom.   That will help a LOT but how about the rest of the family?  Where are they? Are they offering to help out?  Giving up anything for my kids?  Nope.  I get a pat on the head and told to pray about it.  Ok done that.  Now what?

Did you see that green bug that just bit me in the butt?  I did.  It is a jealous bug.  They care more about SIL and her daughter than they do my kids.  OK.  I'll admit it.  It makes me down right ANGRY.  You insist on drawing names in a year we can't even afford to get our own kids gifts and then don't offer to help at all?  In the mean time, his mother is in a snit again.  Dragon didn't get her birthday card in the mail on time.  That mandatory  yearly, I LOVE YOU sent out of obligation.  

I have decided I am the Grinch this year.  I hate mandatory gift giving and card sending.  Too many feeling hurt and I can feel my own heart growing hard.

I am so disappointed in myself.  I am the one in the wrong here and I know it.

I'll work on that.

CRAZY

That is how I feel this morning.  I am craving a punishment.  The hard, stinging swats that feel like they will never end.  The tears stinging my eyes and almost falling.  The humiliation....

And most of all?  The deep submission I feel after it is over.  The emotion  that nearly forces me to my knees in front of my Dragon.

I know.  Absolutely stock raving mad kind of crazy.


We have no money to buy the kids Christmas presents.  I have one gift each hidden in my bedroom closet.  That is it and they aren't even wrapped.  And I am still expected to buy presents for the family Christmas party.  I don't even want to go to this stinking party.  NO WAY.  My mother in law will be there and I am sure she will be in fine form.  I wish I could get her husband a birch bundle.  Do you think that would give him a good hint?

"Hey jackass, you wife is being mean again.  She needs a little kindness beat into her stubborn mean ass."

Ok not kind thoughts.  I know.  But what am I supposed to think?  When my niece wasn't going to get Christmas everybody rallied together and sent money.  I guess my kids don't matter as much.  It sounds petty but when it comes to my kids being treated differently by family, I am allowed.  His family doesn't like me and they take it out of the kids.  They always have.  Why should I expect any different this year.

Here is what i have hidden away.

Mina  A practice changer for bagpipe lessons
Pooh Bear  a kindle paper white
Flower  A leather jacket from jammin leather
Bug  new bedding for his "man cave"  He outgrew his Micky Mouse bedding or so he said.

one nice gift each and I still need to find the money to pay the man for the chanter. I know a big Christmas isn't possible this year but I would like to get them two more gifts each.  They each have the #1 thing on their list.  We have one more paycheck between now and the big day.  I hope we have a little extra in that check for a few more gifts.

Two more

Two more posts have been reverted back to draft.  I had to.  They were getting too much spam.  "The Belt" and "clean house"  Every day I have had to delete adds for porn from comments.  Oh well.  And one more post is on the chopping block.  One more spam post and it is gone too.

Marching orders for the day.  Be freshly showered and shaved when Dragon gets home from work.  Ok.  I can do that.  I think he has plans.  He mentioned the garage and the table saw.  I sure hope it warms up today or it will be miserable for me.  I think we need to put a heater out there.  Shivers!    

oops

I thought I blew it.

We were filling out papers to close on our house.  We are scheduled to close on it NEXT WEEK!  Yippee. On line c of page X there was some legal jargon we were having a hard time with.  It came down to our income tax papers.  I am not sure what it had to do with selling the house but ok.  He wanted me to call my aunt who does our taxes.  He knows that she NEVER answers her phone.  I don't even have her phone number anymore.  Why call someone who won't answer or return your call?  It is pointless.  Right?  That my my thought anyway.

We went back and forth a few times and I got irritated.  Not at him but because we had no way to get our question answered.    And he kept pushing the issue.  Finally I got irritated at him.

and he gave me that look.

Yes, you know the one.

I just knew the paddle was going to be used.

I got a hall pass.  Now that is how I spell relief.

The papers got signed, notarized and in the mail right on schedule.

How do I make my husband spank me?

I got this question as an anonymous reply to "spanked to tears"

girls help me out here i want my hoh to spank to tears becouse i cheated 5 times ! i feel so guilty that i know i need a severe spanking but when i ask they say i forgive you and could not bear to spank you to tears how do i get them mad enough to spank me to tears

Sorry, dear ano but you miss the point of DD.  You don't make your husband "DO" anything.  This lifestyle is about submitting to him in the natural order of marriage.   It helps open up communication and brings you both closer.

You say you cheated more than once.  I would say that you aren't committed to your relationship and have bigger problems than DD can solve.   He can't spank thank kind of guilt away.  You deserve to wallow in whatever you are feeling.  You don't deserve a spanking, you deserve a divorce.  Be grateful for the mercy he is showing you and get some counseling.  Preferably with your spouse.

To anyone out there wanting to be spanked.  NEVER.  Did I shout that?   Yes I did.  NEVER try to get your husband mad enough to spank you.  Spanking out of anger is ALWAYS a bad thing and can lead to abuse and get your hurt.  Spanking should always be done out of love and respect.

This concludes this edition of Dear Abby, the DD way!    

Post? what post?

I had it all planed out and now that I finally have time to sit down at the computer?  Nothing...

Dragon finally got around to a good fun/stress relief kinda spanking Sunday afternoon.  Yippeee!

I love it down here.  December and it was in the 80s.  The wind was blowing but it was warm.  So when we had time to play out in the garage, I was comfortable.  Even kneeling in front of my Dragon, dressed for a scene.  He started with a flogging.  With just the super soft flogger I call Chocolate.  Then it was OTK.  He started with the cherry paddle then moved on to the walnut.  Tap, tap, tap.  Nothing too hard to start out with and then only a few stinging swats after my backside was good and warmed up.  Then it was back to the floggers.  This time he started out with the elk hide.  Nice and thuddy but not too hard.  It felt like a fist tapping my back over and over again.  Then on to the one I call the snake.  That thing normally has bite but it felt different this time.  Not soft or anything but not the usual bite.

After he was done with the floggers, he helped me dress.  Inside he fixed a nice hot bubble bath and scrubbed my back with bath salts.  It stung a little but not too bad.  It was nice being pampered.  It had been a while since we have done anything like that.  We finished the evening with a little love making.

I think that was an excellent way to start another busy week.  He is STILL at work.  16 hours and yes, he has to work tomorrow.  It will get better.  He will get faster and the seasons will change.      

The Doctor

Ok.  It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  He took our histories,(three of us, me and two of the kids) and wrote out the Rx for our asthma meds.  It is done.  My old meds are back ordered so I am now on a different one.  I will have to give it a month to see if it works.  Time will tell...

Better news?

We were talking to some new friends last night and Dragon mentioned ball room dancing.  I have wanted to learn for a LONG time.  During his last deployment I had a very hard time.  We had just figured out the PTSD issue and were beginning to put our marriage back together.  He started this "smile a week" thing.  One week he enrolled me in a motorcycle safety class.  The next week he sent me a link to a ball room dance studio.  Every week it was something new.

Out of all those links only a few things are left un done.  I still don't have a long leather coat.  I have yet to go sky diving and we still don't know how to dance.

Hmmm....

It could be fun....  Maybe

I found a local call called for "Marriage Enrichment through dance"  It looks interesting.  Maybe after we close on the house.  We will have to wait and see....$$$$

My Fitness Pal

I gave in yesterday and started using it.  I had some problems trying to figure out how to add foods but now that I have it figured out, it is easy.

I thought I hit below the target yesterday.  1192 was the total for the day but I forgot to add in the 1/2 c of milk with breakfast, the crackers I ate while cooking supper and the 1/4 of green beans.  I think that took it up to a more reasonable amount.

I'll try to do better with accuracy today.  I thought I ate like a piggie yesterday.  Looks like I didn't do half bad though.  I am going to add in an extra work out too.  I usually do my physical stuff in the afternoon but today I am going to add in some morning cardio.

The goal?  one pound a week.  Down to 140 lbs.  I an not sure how much weight Dragon will let me loose before he says enough.  He doesn't go by the scale as much as he does my general health.  We don't even have scales in the house anymore.  The anna side of my brain tends to obsess over those number.  Instead I obsess over the tape measure.  That one is easier to hide.

I have a doctors appointment Friday.  I need to get a referral to an astma allergy doc.  I can't just call for an appointment any more.  I have to get permission.  Blag.  That is one drawback to our new insurance but we have to follow the rules.  I am pretty sure they will get a weight and will be able to update it then.

Scared Healthy

Several ladies I know have had that gastric bypass surgery.  It seems to be getting more and more common. For some of them, I can understand the desperation.  Morbidly obese even as a child, I am not sure what their motive is but I can understand.

One lady I knew in high school.  She was always a very big girl.  When we graduated high school, they didn't have a gown large enough to fit her.  The company that made the gowns ended up sewing two gowns together.  It worked.  She had the surgery 5 years ago and died of complications this year.  I think it was liver failure associated with the bypass.  She left behind a young son.

Another one worked on base.  She couldn't hold any food down after her surgery.  Her husband used up all of his sick leave and vacation days trying to take care of her.  Every week I heard the same updates.  Back in the hospital, feeding tubes, IVs.

A friends daughter had the surgery about 2 years ago.  She lost a lot of weight.  So much that she is now anorexic thin.  She went from morbidly obese to wearing a size 0.  She is a few inches taller than me and very much underweight.  For some reason the doctors are still doing surgery on her.  Removing all the excess skin for the weight loss.  What are they trying to do?  Make her look like a super model?  Not going to happen.  She had more skin removed a few weeks ago.  Just before Thanksgiving she rolled over in bed and ripped her skin apart.  She said that her hip bone was showing.

Wow.

And this is ok?  Please tell me how?  I can't understand it.  She has 3 kids.  2 of them are pre schoolers and she is putting her life at risk to get rid of a little extra skin?

As if all of this wasn't enough, I visited my SIL over the weekend.  Both her and her husband are sweethearts.  The problem?  Every time I see her she has gained another 5-10 pounds.

Now I ask those of you who follow my blog, What is going on in my head?

I had a apple for breakfast and plan on having an orange for lunch.  Yes, I know.  Probably anna popping her nasty little head up again but I am overweight.  I have to get some pounds off and do it the healthy way.  It is just too easy to fall back into old habits.  I don't want to put myself in a position that I would have to consider gastric bypass surgery.  There are too many risks.

Can I loose 40 pounds and do it the healthy way?  Yes, I will still be a healthy weight with that much of a loss.  Like I said, I am over weight right now.  Lets see if I can cut calories  move more and not let anna take control of my life.

My plan for the week is to do P90X 3 days and cardio 3 days.

Thanksgiving Tears Explained

Every year, when we put up the Christmas tree, I start snapping at the kids.  I know why now.

The kids are excited like kids will be about the tree coming in the house and the decorations going up.  The are chatty, asking questions and arguing about the best position of their favorite ornaments.  There are a few ornaments that mean more to me than the others.  One is a little fireplace that is from our very first Christmas as a family.  The other one that is meaningful is a little glass angel.  We purchased it in a little Christmas village the year I lost one my babies.  I was only 7 weeks along but I had been so sure that this one was going to stick.  I had already lost 3 when I got pregnant one more time.  I felt so good, until the cramping started.

That was around Thanksgiving in 1996.  I still mourn for my lost little one and when I put that little angel on the tree, it hurts.  I need just a moment to compose myself.  Quiet for just a few minutes to blink back the tears and say a little prayer.

Oh but wait a minute.  I have 3 kids crowded around me decorating the tree.  They are excited and can't wait for the presents to appear.  I ask to be left alone for few minutes and it doesn't happen.  Nonsense questions come rapid fire.  An argument and tug of war with a delicate ornament.  My temper gets out of control and things get worse from there.

After all these years I finally understand.  I know what sets everything into motion.  Next year, I will know to retreat to the bedroom for a few minutes.

Problem solved.

Not this year.  This year I had a full melt down.  But next year I will know.

Happy Thanksgiving

 Happy Thanksgiving!

Dragon is putting the turkey in the smoker again this year.  Last time he did that, we has a large charcoal brick.  Not yummy at all.  I hope it turns out better this year.  I have all the boxes out of the living room finally.    Mina helped me move them out yesterday.  I emptied 3 and moved 4 to the garage. No room for it in the house.  Latter, I am going to take one box at a time in the garage and either find a place for the stuff or get rid of it.  

Time to get out my little Christmas village and put up the artificial tree.  I am allergic to real trees but we will get one to go on the porch latter.  I found the stand yesterday.  It is already put together and waiting where I want the tree. 

It is nice to do normal things with the family.  My SIL asked what our plans were.  We forgot that we are close to family again.  We always just do our own thing.  Oops.  We are going to have a huge family gathering Sunday.  That takes the pressure off everyone.  

Back to Normal?

Maybe…..

What a time to start getting back to normal.  Just in time for the chaos of the holiday season.   Yesterday Dragon made me take a break.  He took me to the garage.  The look on his face left no doubt in my mind what he was going to do.  He was going to spank me and nothing I could say would change his mind. 

A padded step puts my bottom at the right height to use the table saw for support.  Dragon stood behind me and lowered my pants.  Just when I thought I would get to keep my panties, those slid down too.  The garage was cool and I started to shiver just a little. 

You know I am not allowed to use some words.  Not EVER and as a lady, I don’t like using it anyway.  But in this case I have to.  There is on other word to describe what came next.  He F@#%ed me with his fingers.  Built the pleasure with pain and a sense of violation.  He used his hand hard and fast.  There was no doubt in my mind that pleasure was not his purpose.  Getting his smart mouthed wife back into a submissive state of mind is why we went to the garage to begin with.  Not sex or pleasure. 

Without any warm up swats, Dragon used the walnut paddle.  He has discovered that the sit spot hurts more than the fuller, padded part of my back side.  Unfortunate for me, that is where most of the swats fell.  He exchanged the paddle for his belt.  I could not stay in place.  No way.  That belt HURT.  Then came the snake.  A relatively short flogger made out of dense, hard leather.  I call it the snake because that thing has a bite.  Wowchy. 

It wasn't a punishment.  As I stood up, I couldn't figure out what it was.  Maintenance?  Stress relief?  Re-connection?  I think it was a little of all three. 

Last night, I slept in my new bloomers at his request.  As soon as I got under the covers, his hand cupped my sex.  Every time I woke up, his hand was still there.  Just holding me.  It was a simple act but very erotic. 

I don’t know if it was the spanking or how he held me last night that did it.  Both?  But I am SOOOO hungry right now and NOT for food.  I used the hitochi to try to easy the ache but it did no good.  My body wants his touch.  Would you believe that I am craving a repeat of the scene in the garage?  Fingers, paddle, belt, flogger and all. 

I think he will be happy to know that I am miserable today.  It is a common side effect of TTWD.  It keeps him on track for months at a time.  Does he like it when I am miserable?  I think he does. 

Time to get busy.  The rest of our family decided to draw names this year.  Oh but no one will have to spend as much money that way.   Hmmm.  Since I rarely send individual gifts at Christmas, only one family gift per household, that doesn't work out so good for us.  6 gifts when we don’t even have money to get our kids gifts.  Uggg.   Let’s just say that my sewing room will be busy for the next two weeks making gifts.   Today I am helping my youngest daughter make an apron for my sister in law.  We are using remnants I have left over from other projects.  This one is a no cost gift!  Hey I like those!  

Liebster Award?

Not sure what it is but Emi nominated my little blog.  The rules say to copy and past the photo.  With limited bandwidth I will have to pass on that.  Share 11 things about myself and pass this on to 11 blogs?  That I can do.

11 things about me.  Hmmm
1.  People comment on how Dragon and I look at each other.  The love shows in our eyes.
2.  My favorite date is a picnic in the park
3.  My second favorite date is the symphony.  I love beautiful music.
4.  I turned my hobby into a business   Sewing!
5.  I love making beautiful things with fabric.
6.  Most of my friends have 4 feet and fur.
7.  My husband is the only thing that keeps me from going vegetarian   . I don't like meat.
8.  I love going to the gym.  I feel so relaxed after a good workout
9.  Any day I get to spend with my family is a good day
10. I can't be around any type of perfume our air freshener.  My asthma is that bad.
11.  I am allergic to my pets but I think that is what antihistamines were made for.

Now for Emi's questions.

1. What is your favorite genre of music? Country.  I had to learn how to like it being married to Dragon.  

2. Do you like Horror movies? Why or why not? Sometimes.  It depends on the movie.  Nothing bloody. 

3. How old were you when you had your "first kiss?" 17 at a school dance

4. Do you prefer sweet snacks or salty? Salty Combine salt with chocolate and I am in heaven

5. What was your most memorable vacation ever? (where and why) Disney world.  It was my honeymoon.

6. Have you even performed on stage for any reason? Not since elementary school.  

7. Have you ever won a contest? If I did, I can't remember it.  

8. Did you love or hate your high school years? Hated them.  

9. Spanko or spankNO? SPANKO!

10. Do you read spanking fiction? some.  Most if it is poorly written.  

11. What is the weirdest implement you've been spanked with? ("H" whacked me once with a red licorice vine! Ouch!) A whisk.  It didn't hurt but made a funmy sound. 


Now for my 11 blogs
1.Finding Sara, Her blog was one of the first blogs I followed.  Her story has touched my heart
2. A Domestic Discipline Society  I love reading blogs written by men and this one is willing to call it how it is with other blogs.  LOVE IT
3.  New life in DD  Thanks you for sharing your story Bas!  Even if all of us ladies make you feel out numbered!  
4. Florida Dom's Corner.    Again with the male perspective.  Although his is mostly kink.
5. Old fashioned Marriage.  Not sure what I think about this blog yet but I'll add it as another male authored blog.  Some men take DD into the realm of abuse.  Not sure how far he goes.   
6. Mick and Lynda's Place  Watching their family grow up has been an adventure.
7.  faerie learns to fly she has made me brave enough to try giving a blow job again.  Nope, still can't do it.
8.  Her Mischief managed
9. The dish with ward and june.  I like this blog because both of them post.
10 Life under a firm hand
11. Emi, I know it is against the rules but yes, I nominate your blog too.

Holey Roller?

I gave my new bloomers a test run this morning.  Dragon was so pleased with them, he wants me to make a pair for every day of the week.  He asked if I could make breakfast for him wearing them and still stay modest.  After a bit of thought, I remembered a long skirt we bought.  I haven't worn it because I don't have a nice blouse to wear with it yet.  I put on my skirt and a sweat shirt.  With my very long hair, long skirt and frumpy shirt, Dragon said that I look like a holey roller.

Ha Ha.  Looks can be deceiving  can't they?  

My legs may be modestly covered but my bottom is bare.  And my backside is just a little sore this morning for a new reason.  I asked for the belt and he was so pleased with my handy work that he obliged.  I have to say that his control over the belt is improving greatly.  The swats ranged from very gentile to firm.   I think, in time, I will be able to take the belt without the bad stuff creeping into my head.  This morning it was pure pleasure.

Hmmm.  Should I make another pair of bloomers today?  Put the days of the week on them like little girl panties   LOL

I want to make a night gown to match each pair.  That way I can be modestly covered while I cook his breakfast but don't have to get dressed for the day.

I think we are going to have fun with this....

The Holidays?

(oops, I almost forgot a content warning.  Not G rated.  Sorry)

Yikes!

I am NOT ready!  Where did the time go?

I still have boxes in the living room.  Who knows where the Christmas ornaments are.  I sure don't.  And where to put the tree?  YIKES!  I have NO IDEA.  The artificial tree will go up Thanksgiving day.  The kids decorate the tree while dinner is being prepared.  That means I have to do a good cleaning of the living room.  Dust, mop, oil the furniture, clean all the glass. 

Can I say that I am very happy the wedding is done?  I felt the need to sew today.  Stress relief my way.  I made pair of old fashioned bloomers.  Made just like they would have been in the 1800s with an open crotch.  I am sure Dragon can find a spankable application for the open rear of these pajama bottoms.  As soon as he saw them he made a request.  Another set out of flannel for warmth.  I think he sees me bare bottomed in the garage with my legs warmly covered.  

Hmmm....  Maybe.  

Old Fashoned fashion with a kinky DD use.  

Giggles.  How did he know what I was thinking when I made them?  He knows me so well.  I even trimmed the bottom with lace to give them a nice feminine feel.  Not that a good application the paddle won't do that all by itself.  

I still haven't gotten that stress relief spanking.  With the holidays HERE, Dragon is working long hours.  He is always tired when he walks in the door.  I try to have supper on the table when he gets home.  Many things have changed in the last year and I am still trying to adjust.  We both are.  

Ok....  The spanking may not have happened but he still makes sure we both have a chance to de-stress.  This morning he gave me enough time to wake up and began making love.  Not sure how he managed it but he fisted me while having sex.  Talk about mind blowing.  So much sensation.  Double penetration is nothing new but that took it to a whole new level.   

Hmmm.   I started the bloomers before he started making love to me.  I wonder if he was inspired by my efforts with the needle?  If so, I need to do that more often.  

My bits are sore.  Every move I make reminds me of his touch.  He is at work but I can't move without thinking about what he did with his hands this morning.  Just WOW.  Let's just say that sitting is a bit uncomfortable.  Love it!      

Winding down

After all the fuss over the wedding, I really need to wind down.  A spanking was planed for yesterday but never happened.  Time got away from us.  Dragon made sure I went to bed in a submissive state of mind, I just didn't get there with swats.

From what Dragon said, it will happen today.  Have to wait and see.

I have a busy day today.  Organizing the sewing room... Again....   work out, work on pattern drafting and do school work with the kids.

Things should be getting back to normal.  I hope so anyway.  I am tired of chaos.

If last night was just the beginning ...  then yes,  things are definitely back to normal.

Thank You!

Once again it is Veterans Day.  A day set aside to thank those who have fought for our great country!  Because of you, the rest of us can enjoy the freedom you worked so hard to protect.

These men and women have paid a high price for those things we take for granted.  The carry scars that are invisible.  They give up the freedoms the rest of us have to protect ours, then when they aren't the same person they were, society throws them away.

Do more than Thank a Veteran this year.  Pray for healing and lend a helping hand.

This wife of a veteran thanks you!  

Strangers

I hate airports. They are places of tears. My body shakes as I try to control them. Then I look at my children and I see their hearts breaking. My own tears fall….He sees my tears and his iron grip of control begins to slip. People turn away. They can’t stand to see our pain. They know where he is going. They know we are left behind. I stand at the window watching the plane pull away from the gate. Walk that lonely walk back to the car. The drive home seems longer than ever. The house does not feel like home.

My best friend, my husband, the father of children has left. I don’t know where he is going. Don’t want to know. More questions than answers. When will he come home? Will he come home? How do I survive? He is my life. He is everything. I am me because he is with me. No more watching or reading the news. Not even just to read the headlines. Routine. Step by step each day I learn to survive. Run, breakfast, cut grass, shower, lunch, clean, check email, walk the dog. Same thing every day moving in a daze. I am afraid to hope.

At the airport again. The seasons have changed. But then so have I. I stand at the arrival gate waiting for a stranger. He is my husband and the father of my children. My tears fall once again. I am nervous and afraid. Will he really come home this time. Will everything be the same? I hope so. There he is. I see him. He has cut his hair again, his skin is darker, his eyes are different. I expect his hug to feel the same but it doesn’t. He walks ahead of me much faster than I can keep up to get to the luggage pickup. I know I should understand why but I don’t and he can’t explain. We are strangers again.

a military wife

DONE

The wedding was this morning.  The costumes were a hit!  Everything looked so nice.  Do you have any idea how relieved I am?

I am so tired.  Maybe I will finally be able to sleep tonight.  I won't have my Dragon to hold me but sewing for my brothers wedding was stressful.  I am so happy it turned out good.  The bride and groom were both happy with everything.

Time for me to turn in.  It is early but I am so tired.

Good night blog land and thanks for all the LOL comments.  It is nice to know who my lurkers are :)

love your lurker day

Thanks for Lurking!

Sorry.  I have to keep it short and sweet.  I am visiting my grandmother and brother.  He is getting married Saturday and guess who make all the outfits for the wedding?

Yep.

Me.

She decided she had to have 5 more clothing items at the last minute.  I have been working like crazy to get it all done.  Sewing, cutting, stitching and doing it all again.

5 cloaks made
6 sets of bracers
and my grandmother graciously finished a skirt

Tomorrows todo list.
rehearsal dinner.  OH CRAP
make final skirt
make Youngest sons costume

OH CRAP

How am I supposed to get all that done?


Breath.

I think I need a stress relief spanking.  NOW

I may not be able to get back to a computer until all this is over with.  I will post our comments then.  Sorry for the delay.  I am doing the best I can right now.  Hugs! !!

Can I gloat now?

They ex boyfriend contacted my daughter yesterday.  She was in tears.   He wanted to be "friends".  Said that he can't live without her.  Blah, Blah, Blah.......

She replied to his message telling him all the reasons they can't be friends or anything else ever again.

GOOD GIRL! ! !

Today, one of her friends sent her a messing to let her know that the ex is on Face book talking trash.  He had nothing good to say about her.  NOTHING!  She didn't go into details with me but knowing this boy, it was really bad.

She came into the kitchen smiling!  SMILING!

"I don't feel bad about dumping anymore, Momma.  I thought he was a better person than that.  You don't say that kind of thing about people you are about.  Not even when they make you mad.  Not ever."

Victory dance! ! !  

Can you see my big smile from your computer screen?

Now you know how I spell relief!


Wedding update.....

I am on the final stretch of sewing.  I have all the blouses made.  The flower girl dresses are almost done.  They need to be hemmed and the sleeves finished.  The doublet and one of the bodices needs grommets.  The two remaining skirts for the brides maids will be made when I get there.  And now the bride tells me that the grooms men MUST have capes.  As long as I have help that will listen and do what i ask when I get there, it can be done.

After all this, I am going to need a vacation!  My brother told me to bring my business cards.  he is convinced I'll get a few new clients.  I sure hope so.  That would sure help make the bills!

Yippee

I am officially insured again!  For September and October I had insurance but couldn't afford to use it.  The deductible was way too high.  Now I can finally go to a doctor and try to get this asthma stuff under control again.  After my brothers wedding I will make an appointment with my brand new PCM.  I need refills on all of my Rxs and approval to go to specialists;

I have a workable plan to get all the sewing done for the wedding.  I will be working right up until the ceremony.  Make the peasant blouses today.  I have the pattern perfected.  Now I just have to get the shirts together.  Dragon is going to stop by the fabric store to pick up a few things I need.  Elastic, bias tape and thread.  But I can get the shirts ready.   I'll make the flower girl dresses Sunday and Monday and the final two skirts for the brides maids Thursday and Friday.  Wedding on Saturday.

Crunch TIME!

I need a stress relief spanking but the asthma symptoms are too bad right now.  The paddle and floggers trigger an attack when I am not taking the long acting stuff.  We tried a few times but I had to safe word out after just a few swats.

Oh well.

For now I'll just have something to look forward to!  

ex boyfriend up date

She is doing great.  The drastic mood swings of the last 2 months are slowing down.  Fewer tears and more smiles.  She is coming out of her room without being forced to.  Playing video games with her little brother and watching movies with her sisters.

It is like I have my daughter back again.  She now calls her relationship with this guy poison and admits that it will take time to get all the bad stuff out.  It is a huge relief for us.  To finally see her happy again has me on top of the world.

What does she want?  She wants a strong man.  One that doesn't cry real tears over every little heart break in life.  She wants a man that has some ambition in life.  Being a short order cook in a touristy restaurant won't cut it for her.  She wants a man who will hold her accountable and spank her backside when she needs it.

What does she want?  She wants a man just like her father.  What is the problem with that?  He is taken and I have never met another man like him. I am sure she will find what she is looking for eventually.  When she gives up and decides to stay single she will find the man who will chase her until she has to say yes.

Withdrawing Consent?

I had never thought of safe words as withdrawing consent but Sara's blog post made me think.  Is it really?  If you get right down to it, calling red is withdrawing consent.  Even if it is only for a moment.  Enough time for me to change positions or change implements.  But in that moment I have withdrawn my consent for him to continue.

I can call red at any time.

Always

I can even completely red out of a punishment.

What usually happens?  I have some time to think.  Get a little distance from him and the situation.  Then I go back to him, we talk and I get spanked.

I'll have to think about this for a while.  I need those safe words.  I do.  But the idea that it is withdrawing consent has me rattled.  It will take a little time to work this out in my head again.

The EX boy friend?

A mom can only hope.  My daughter has told me that the long standing relationship with the internet boyfriend is over!  He is much older than she is, lives at home with his mommy and only recently got a job.  Did I mention that he also has a police record?

What mother in her right mind would approve of this kind of relationship?  I sure didn't.  When she was 17 I tried to keep her away from him.  That didn't work.  I tried being silent about all things concerning this looser.  That didn't work either.  She was constantly talking about him.  Last month she used up 3000 cell phone minutes talking to this guy.  (anyone want to see my cell bill for the month?)

This man has flaunted our house rules and has encouraged her defiance at every turn.  Because of him, she has not finished high school and may get kicked out of the house before she does.  She gets her share of the blame but he gets most of it.  Since she has been with this looser, she has been so different.

Pray pray pray! ! ! !

She is going to make the phone call today.  All of his stuff is either boxed up or thrown away.  As we speak she is deleting all photos of him off of her computer and face book account.

Her doing.  Not mine.  He said some really hateful things to her during their last fight.  She just can't get past it.  Knowing what was said, I can't blame her.

A mommy can hope.

Spam Blocker

Do you know what the best part of blogger is?

Yep.  It is the spam blocker.

Since I have put my blog on moderate all, all the spam has been going into one nice neat little folder.  If you put a nonsense post on my blog that is totally off topic with the words "visit my..." in the text, my spam blocker will get rid of it for me.

So convenient!

Spammers, quit trying.  I scan the posts in that folder for those two telling words and hit the delete button.

Thanks but no thanks.  I really don't want to visit your web page.

My Obsession Pays off!

I love sewing machines.  Old machines sit in thrift stores collecting dust.  Dusty and broken.  Neglected machines no one wants.

I want them!  I love them!  Dragon buys them and fixes them up for me.  I lovingly display them all over my house.  I am a hopeless pack rat when it comes to these old machines.

Long story short.  I have a huge project going and a looming deadline.  My primary machine, a 10 year old Bernina starts sewing funny and making a strange sound.  The stitches are uneven and messy.  My progress on the project comes to a grinding halt.

Yesterday I started testing the old machines to see which one works the best.  I think I have found my new primary machine.  It is an old badged machine probably sold out of the Sears and Robuck catalog in the late 1950s or early 1960s.

When Dragon came home late last night he worked on the machines while I cooked supper.  I new have 3 machines lined up for use and even a 4th one in line if something happens to the first three.  I am happy.

Now I just have to re organize my work space.    I need room for two machines to be set up.  One threaded with red thread and and another with black.  That way I won't have to keep re-threading the machines when I need to change thread color.

Time to get busy.  I have 4 brides maid dresses to make and a week to make them in.  I'll get it done!

Corset time

My efforts to train back into my corset are paying off.  Today, I set my timer for 30 minutes and laced myself up.  When the timer went off, I was busy.  I turned it off and continued working in my sewing room.  Cutting and snipping away at the fabric.  I am making the first of 4 bodices for the brides maid dresses.

The bride was supposed to purchase linen.  She purchased a crap load of poplin.  Hmmm.  Ok... I can work with that.  It isn't as nice of a fabric but it is half the price.  Then My stabilizer wasn't wide enough.  Ok, so I use the white flannel instead.  Not a big deal.  Snip and cut.  Working away.

Next thing I know the kids are asking for lunch.  What?  It isn't lunch time yet!  Yes it is.  I lost track of time working in a corset!  How in the world did I do that?  It wasn't laced down very tight at all but still....  Over 2 hours and I was working comfortably.

I finally had to put my scissors down and take a break.     The callus where my scissors rub my knuckle was not happy with me.  I need to find a band-aid before I do any more.

Ps.  I whined for 30 minutes this morning when Dragon told me to get some corset time in today.  I made us excuse after excuse.  I am glad I did it.  I love how the corset feels and I love how I feel in it!

A Sleepy Scene interupeted

It was the end of an exhausting weekend.  We had fun and crossed several projects off the TODO list.  We both needed a scene to wind down.

Because we planned on being a little noisy, we set it up in the garage.  Sleeping bags layered on the floor, paddles and floggers lined on on the table saw.  After a good flogging and some time spent on my knees, Dragon prepared to spank me.

Then it started.

Yip, yip, yip, HOWL.

Our local coyote had a litter of puppies and they were hanging out in our yard for the evening.  Knowing that they were right outside the window of the garage was very unnerving!  Fingernails on the chalk board kind of thing.

Instead of ending our session with a little love making, I got redressed and we returned to the bedroom.

Here is the question of the day.  Why did the dog pick that moment to go potty?  He whimpered and whined enough to let us know he REALLY had to go.  And RIGHT NOW!  It wouldn't wait!  Dragon slipped on his shoes, picked up my little Colt Mustang and walked the dog for me.

New rule.  Only Dragon walks the dogs after dark and he will walk them armed until these little coyote pups move on.

It was disturbing way to end a very nice weekend.  :/

The Step

I am very good at making excuses not to use the step but progress is being made.  Almost 15 minutes today.  That isn't a slow step....  step...  step.... pace.  I get moving.  My feet fly across it.  It could be boring but I make it fun.  I put on my Motown vinyl and have fun.

Even my kids are getting into it.  My son looked up from his school work and asked to try.  So he did.  I can't say that he is very coordinated but he had fun and he moved his body for a good 5 minutes.  Then the 13 y/o got into the picture   They took turns until the record ended.

My goal was 20 minutes today.  Is kid fun a good excuse to stop a few minutes early?

I think so.

Time to put on the corset.  I need to train my body back into it.  Then crunches and on to sewing.  My days are beginning to take on a comfortable rhythm finally.  I have a routine I am comfortable with.  One that is healthy for me and for my family.

Unfair Spanking

I wrote about a spanking gone wrong when I first started my blogging adventure.  Now I have had more time to think on it.

Was it an unfair spanking?  Did Dragon do anything wrong?

It really wasn't unfair.  The only problem with it is that I was mad.  We had a disagreement, I left before it was resolved and slammed a door.  Clearly I was in the wrong.  Who started the argument at that point didn't matter.  I behaved disrespectfully.

Now I see what went wrong and unfortunately for me, so does Dragon.

After the punishment, I was still angry.  I wasn't crying or the least little bit repentant.  I WAS MAD.  THAT WASN'T FAIR!  He deserved that spanking, not me!

Did that spanking really go bad?  I don't think so now.  Now I think it didn't go far enough.  Round one should have been longer and harder.  Yes, I would have still gotten up from it mad.  What should have happened then?  Round two.  Some quiet time in the bed room to think about what happened and what I did.  When I figured out that I really was in the wrong, more swats.

I was so defiant for that spanking that I refused to take off my pants.  WOW!  What would Dragon do now?   I don't even want to think about  it.  I know it wouldn't be pretty.

I am sure un deserved spankings can happen.  Mine wasn't one of those.  I was out right defiant.  Every spanking I have begged out of because I thought it wasn't fair was deserved.  I simply didn't want to get spanked.    Yes, I need to work on that.   After all, I am not a child to whine when facing the consequences of poor behavior.  I should be taking the swats without whining.  Knowing that they are deserved.

Trust the Dragon.

When Money is Short

I put on my thinking cap.

I walked my treadmill to death.  Yes, it got used.  I can't tell you how many miles I walked on that thing.  Then I taught my dogs how to walk on it and the kids started using it too.  The stories that old treadmill could tell if it could only talk.  10 minutes up to 2 hours of continuous use.  1 mile to almost 10 at a time.

After we moved it Idaho I finally had to admit it was worn out and past all usefulness.  Unfortunately, we haven't had the money to replace it with a decent quality machine.  When the weather was good, I walked our little community.  My face was well known on every block.  My shoes wore a path in the dirt beside the road.  Every dog and cat knew I carried yummy treats in a little bag I carried over my shoulder.

Now we live by a major highway.  No treadmill, no safe place to walk outside.

What to do?  I need to move and that little Wii board just doesn't get the job done.  It isn't high enough to get a good workout.  No more than stepping forwards and backwards over and over.  Boring, repetitive aerobics.

Dragon built me a step.  It is about 5 inches tall and is the size of the Wii board box.  I can use it with the radio just like I did the treadmill.  Stepping up and down in different combinations.  I can use the weight vest or hand weights when I find then in the many boxes still left to unpack.  It can be used with the Wii board for the fitness program to get a better workout.

I like it.

I kept my time sort this morning.  Just 5 minutes.  Stretching first and then a short work out.  No overdoing it the first day.  I could have probable gotten away with 10 minutes but I rather take it slow at first.  I'll add 5 minutes a week until I get up to 30 minutes at a time.  That is the most I have time for.

A small step made out of scrap lumber.  Cost?  A box of screws and one broken drill bit.  Not bad for a very useful piece of fitness equipment.  How much do those steps cost at the sports store?  How much does a treadmill cost?  Much more than we spent.

limited internet

With this move, we have limited access to internet.  I have to watch our daily usage closely.  I think it is a good thing.

No staying on the computer all day playing.

Once or twice a day for less than an hour.  I check face book and email, look at the news and read a few blogs.  Then I am done for the day.  So much more time for family stuff!

I thought it would be miserable but it isn't.  It has turned into a good thing for all of us.  The kids still have access during they day when they need to do research for school work but no computer is connected for more than a hour a day.  The home school mom in me LOVES this.  It is so much better this way.

I can't comment on as many blogs and don't read every one that pops up on my screen.  My time is valuable so I make good use of it.

Yep.  This is a very good thing.  Now there is more of me to go around.

Football

Why do men like the game?  It isn't logical to me.  A bunch of dirty, sweaty men running around after a funny shaped ball.  The kick it, throw it and tackle each other.  Then there is the goofy victory dance and the end of the field.

Sigh.  What is the point?  I don't get it.

Should I go to the game and spend time with my husband (cold, wet and miserable)  or stay home in my nice warm house?  It sounds like an easy choice but I really do want to be close to my Dragon.

What to do....   What to do....

Yes, I'll go and I won't even complain.  I'll snuggle under my jacket and the truck blanket.  My trusty kinkle will keep me entertained.  I think I am even looking forward to the half time show.

Domestic?

Who?


 Me?


 WHAT????


Quick!  What do I do!  I am becoming domesticated!  I enjoy fixing supper for my family!  What happened to me?  I HATE cooking!

Sigh....

It must be a side effect of this thing called submission.

First it was fixing his lunch and breakfast.  Now it is cooking supper?  Next thing you know I will be cleaning the bathroom with a tooth brush.

YIKES!

When we met Dragon could follow a recipe but that doesn't mean you can cook.    He made me a home made spaghetti dinner while I was at work one day.  It tasted like canned tomatoes and nothing else.  I taught him how to season to taste. Taste the food you are cooking and know what your spices will do to the flavor.  Now he is teaching me how to make the dishes our family loves.  No, there isn't a recipe for most of it.  Over the years he has taken our favorite dishes and made them better.

I'm learning....

Last night I made curry rice for the first time.  It was Yummy even if the meat was too tuff.  oops.  I think that was my fault.  I am still trying to figure out how the dish washer got loaded.  Did I do that?  Yes, I think I did.

Scary, spooky things are happening at my house.

18 years

Wow!  It is here again!  Our anniversary   The one where we eloped to the court house!  We have been together for 19 years and married for 18 of those wonderful years!  Love my man just a little!

Dragon had to work late again.  Supper is a simple meal I can prepare and leave on the table.  I really don't like cooking.  Ick.  I ate a little and sat on the porch to enjoy an icy cold beverage.  Alcoholic just in case you don't read southern.  It is what we would have done if he was home.

It is a chilly, wet day.  I know my Dragon is miserable.  I am miserable without him.  Tomorrow will be a better day.  We will just have to celebrate a day late.  I am sure we can both find something to occupy our time.  WEG

Great news

I know I know.

2 posts back to back but I have GREAT NEWS!

We have had an offer on our house up north!


Pray Pray Pray it is an offer we can afford to accept.  I would love to start shopping for our forever house!

Early Warning System

We have been working on balance.  Dragon mentioned that privacy is a factor.  With the move this summer, I am not surprised.  But there is more to it than that.  I’ll do something in public this displeases him and he forgets about it when we have privacy.  So we have worked out an early warning system. 

Remember the stop light safe words?

Red  All STOP

Yellow  I don’t like how that feels.  Ick.

Green  Like that!  Keep going!

The early warning system is similar but for Dragon instead of me. 

That’s 1 – Are you sure you want to keep doing that?  You are getting close to breaking a rule.

That’s 2 – You broke a rule.  Let’s talk about it when we get home. 

That’s 3 – We WILL take care of this when we get home and you won’t like it. 

They can come in any order at any time.  He can call 3 without calling 1 or 2.  It is a way to let me know in public that I have done something he doesn't like.  He can let me know that we will talk about it latter or that I have an appointment with the paddle.  I like that.  Not sure how it is going to work out.  We will have to give it a little time and see. 

He wants to bring back maintenance too.  I’m not so sure about that one.  We stopped because I couldn’t handle it.  Knowing that I was going to be spanked at a specific time for a week’s worth of misdemeanors was too much.  Spanking wasn’t fun anymore.  Kinky play wasn’t fun.  I couldn’t do it.  He stayed more consistent with DD but it was doing more harm than good. 

This time it is his idea.  He wants to do it.  I’ll give it a try.  The safe words are there for a reason.  I can always call red.  

Balance

How do you find that balance between submission, mercy and punishment.

Most important I think is my own submission.  I do little things to show him how much I love him but then I let some things slide.  An example is making the bed.  I hate making the bed every morning and think that it is ok to let it slide just one day.  One day turns into two and then into three.  Dragon didn't say anything but I know he noticed.

Why didn't he call me on it?  I think he wants my submission to come from the heart and fear.  If he punished me every time I deserved it, I would live in fear.  Neither one of us want that.  A marriage based on fear is one doomed to fail.  I know I couldn't live that way.

Another way I frequently fail is whining my way out of a punishment.  I know I have broken a rule.  I know what is coming but when he calls me on bad behavior I can't seem to stop it.  I am very good at making excuses for bad behavior.  Finding just the right excuse to put a seed of doubt in his mind.

Where is that balance?  Punished enough to hold me accountable but I am still submitting willingly?  Yes,  I I I I....  Selfish.

I know I am not perfect.  I earn at least 2 punishments a week just from language.  I asked him to make a goal of one punishment a month.  I need to know what to expect.  We need to find that balance between his needs and mine.  Between submission and obedience.

Comfort

There is comfort to be found in routine.  This morning I got up with the alarm.  Almost on autopilot I moved.  First, gathering the ingredients for Dragon's breakfast, then standing by the stove to prepare his meal.  Every move my hands made, were in a set pattern.  Not a ritual set by Dragon.  Only my own submission.

Submitting to him.  That is what brings me comfort.  Taking care of his most basic needs.  He needs my company in the mornings before he leaves for work.  He needs a hot meal to sustain him.    He needs to know I care enough to care for him.

I fix his lunch.  The simple meal packed into a small ice chest.  It is something small.  It only takes me a few minutes to pack.  How can something so small mean so much?  I make his lunch while he eats his breakfast.  During the day, it gives him nourishment but it is also a little part of me.  In a way it is a symbol of my submission and love.

Even when he is away from me, he can feel my presence and my love.  When he was military I didn't fix his lunch.  He always had a kitchen to use and a place to keep a small bag of groceries.  Now it is different.  Things have changed and so have I.

I like this new way of doing things.  I like taking care of my Dragon.

The wedding is tonight.  Dragon woke me this morning with the paddle.  Just a small reminder that I need to be on my best behavior.  The rental care has been picked up.  The directions printed out and the gps plugged into the rental car.  All I need to do is dress.    I can do this.  Breath.

Monster In Law

I survived the day with my in laws with only one melt down.  The melt down happened before we ever left the house!  I am so proud of myself.  I didn't even earn a punishment!

 She behaved and so did I.  I think our last visit ended with both of us getting spanked.  I am not absolutely sure she gets spanked but I am pretty sure she does.

It is time to de stress a little.  I have a wedding dress to make tomorrow.

language barrier

Have you ever noticed how funny language can be?  A common phone greeting in Japanese is a naughty word in German.  Oops.  The differences jump out at me in blog land.

Fag.  In the US?  An ugly word for a homosexual.  In the UK?  I think it is a cigarette?  Maybe?
Jumper.  In the UK it is a sweater I think.  NOT in the US

I was very short on sleep.  Traveling internationally with 3 small children, I was walking around the air port in a daze.  A desperate looking lady ran up to me and asked, "where is the loo?"  My mind just could not grasp what she was asking?  It is funny looking back on it but I was absolutely puzzled by her request.  We were both speaking English but apparently not the same language.

Sorry my English friends.  I don't speak the queens english.  Far from it.

That is one of the things that bugs me about the 50 shades books.  The language.  If she is going to write a book based in the US, get it right!  Side light?  OK.  I know I am picking on one word.  But I had to laugh at it.  Side light?  What the heck is that?  LOL.  How about calling it what it is?  A Lamp?

Even here in the US we have a language barrier from one region to another.  The way we speak and the way we write is so different.  If you have a Jersey accent, I am NOT going to understand a word you say.  Nope.  And if you are from the mid west and say A?  I am probably going to say B.

In the same house there are differences.  When a wife says, "do what you want."  That isn't her giving permission or letting you have your way.  Oh no.  It is a DARE.  When my husband says, "are you sure you want to go there?"  He isn't asking a question.  He is issuing a warning.  "Hey, you really don't want to do that.  That will get your bottom spanked and fast."

It has been a long Monday and it is time for me to get back to work.  I had to take a time out and laugh a little.  Yes, laugh.  At all the language missteps I have made.  I need to get a wiggle on.

Chat latter blog land!

clean house

That was a rule for the new house.  It shamed me that he needed to make it a rule but depression made it hard move.  Things got away from me and chaos invaded.  It is going better here.  I think because I am happy.  We are living in a state we want to live in, closer to family and the landscape is not desolate and empty.   The grass isn't very green but there are trees everywhere and not a tumble weed in sight!  No juniper or sage brush.  What a relief!

The house isn't perfect.  Not by a long shot but it is better.  The floors are swept and vacuumed every day.  The sink stays empty and the refrigerator is clean.  No more out of control, unintentional science projects in there!

School work is even going better with the kids.  This is the first year I have them all on a computer based program.  I love it.  No text books to keep up with, no teacher keys to hide and they love the games.  The math is harder than what I had them in but they are all keeping up and staying on track.  That is a huge relief for me.  Now I don't have to worry about what will happen if I have to put them in public school.  I know they will do fine.  They will do better than fine.

Great news!  I found my corsets yesterday!  Yippee!  I have started the process of training back into them.  I started with an hour yesterday.  I put my oldest corset on but didn't pull the laces up any.  Today I will lace it snug and try for two hours.  My ribs need to settle back into place before I can really lace it down the way I like it.  That will take months to do.  Oh well.  I'll get there.  It takes time.

Time to get busy.  The house needs to be cleaned.... again and school work needs to get done.  I don't want Dragon to come home to a dirty house.  My bottom would pay the price.  Yikes!

Where were you?

Where were you when the world stopped turning?

I was in Germany.  Dragon had just returned from a deployment.  We were in the "getting to know each other" stage.  I had my routine, he had his.  We were trying to find a way to make it work.  We were both busy September 11.  He was hanging wall paper and I was working in the yard.  

He called me to come inside.  My mom was on the phone.  "Turn your TV on now.  Something terrible has happened."

Mom, can't you just tell me?

NO, I can't.  You have to see this to believe it.  Go turn your TV on.  I'll talk to you latter.


So I go and do it.  The only English speaking channels we had were the military network channels.  The first tower was burning.  I watched as the second plane struck.  I watched as the world learned that this was not an accident.  I saw my world change in a moment.

I knew this stranger that looked like my husband would be leaving very soon.  Possibly the very next day.  It didn't matter that he had just gotten back.  We were at war.  He was home just long enough to help with the birth of our son.  Then he was off again.  And so our life post 9-11 began.

Put yourself in our shoes for a few minutes.  The disaster was bad enough for a civilian.  Take a minute and imagine the impact that day had on military families.  On fire fighters and EMTs.  Put yourself in our shoes and you will understand why I get so upset when someone tries to use this tragedy to make a political statement.

Just don't do it.  DON'T ever do it.  Save all your political crap for another day.  Today is not the day.

Ps.  a FB friend learned that lesson the hard way today.  oops.  lost my temper just a wee bit.

Grounded

but not in a bad way.

Yesterday I worked on a new herb garden.  Digging in the soil and planting my favorites!

Here is me!  Allergic to almost everything.  My time spent playing in the dirt made me sick for the entire day.  Asthma, runny nose, itchy eyes.  So yes.  I am grounded.  No playing in the dirt.  No pruning or pulling weeds.  And to keep temptation away from my fingers, I am to stay inside ALL DAY.

I still don't feel good.  After an asthma attack that bad, it takes me a few days to recover.  I really don't think staying inside will be that much of a hardship.

I also know what will happen to my backside if Dragon comes home to beautiful flower beds or fresh cut grass.  He means it this time.  Even waved the paddle at me when he was telling me what he expected.

He knows me.  What can I say?

Out in the Garage

Do you know what Dragon keeps in the Garage?

 I do.

The paddles.

He called me out there to help him put some boxes of packing paper in the attic.  They are big and bulky but very light.  I had worked hard Saturday cleaning up and getting all the empties broken down and the paper packed up nice and snug.  I had the empty boxes sorted by size and type ready to go up there and he got them all out of my way.

That was a LOT of packing paper.  But I would rather store it than have to buy more when we get ready to move.  Hopefully the next move is into the forever house.

After all the boxes were moved and Dragon pushed the ladder back into the ceiling, he told me to close the garage doors.

Ut oh

I hadn't recovered from all the stress over going to that 9-11 service.  No, we ended up not going but I was wound so tight that it just didn't go away.  Dragon knows just what to do.

He place my hands in the seat of a chair, lifted my dress and pulled my panties down.  He paddled my backside.  Not very hard but just enough to let me know that he knew I was having a hard time.

Love my man.  He knows just what I need.

We ended the day in each others arms.

Perfect!    

9-11

I know the day is not here yet.  However, today is a day of worship.  Today in churches around the world heads will be bowed in prayer for those who lost everything that day.  Military men and women will be honored as well as firefighters and law enforcement officers of all kinds.

Take a moment our of the day to remember those still fighting the war on terrorism.  Because they do what they do, the rest of us are not afraid!  We can go shopping, send our kids to school and walk into a government building and know all is safe.  We still have our freedom.

The USA is a country others come to, to find safety and security.  It is a country where dreams become reality.  We are strong.

Me?  Not so much.  When those towers fell I was sad for those who died and heart broken for the rescuers.  But I knew something else too.  After the second tower fell I knew that my family would be called upon to do our duty.  My husband would leave to fight a war in another country.  I would be his cheerleader and comfort those left behind.

9-11 was so much more to me than just a single day.  It was years of uncertainty and heart ache.  It was saying good bye to my husband over and over again.  It was the knowledge that the threat isn't gone.  Our government works every day to sniff out new threats and stop new attacks before they happen.  We are safe because many people just like my own husband are out there working to keep us safe.  We were a part of that.

I thought i could do it now that we aren't military anymore.  I thought I could walk into a church on 911 and remember those who gave everything.  But I can't.  Not yet.  I think it is still too fresh.  We are too newly out of that life.  We were all falling apart at the thought of facing yet another ceremony to remember.  I know the other firefighters won't understand our absence but that is ok.  The decision to stay home took a weight off of my family.  Every one of us relaxed.

It was the right thing to do.

What do I ask of you?

 NEVER FORGET!  If we forget, it happens again

DON'T BE AFRAID!  If you are afraid, they won and I won't let that happen!

LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST!

and last but not least?  PRAY!

Finding Joy

I have written enough about the frustrations of PTSD and transitioning to civilian life.  There is joy in my life too.  Every day I find some small God has blessed us.  An example?  Dragon only had to work 12 hours.  He will be home for supper today.  Before he left for work this morning he told me how sexy it is that I make his breakfast wearing only his shirt and cut panties with a bow on them.

My children bring frustration to my life but they also bring joy every day.  Pooh has figured out why I have her take notes on the chapters she read and why I have her work the example math problems in her book.  To LEARN!  My son is taking tests and using text books two years sooner than I had the girls on it.  He is doing great.  I am so proud of him.  My 13 yo has taken right to her 8th grade work.  She loves science as much as I do.  My oldest has finally decided she wants to graduate high school.  At 19, I have to say, better late than never.  Seeing her become the young lady I always knew she could be is a joy in my life that i can not compare to anything else.

Our first day in the new house Dragon bought me a cactus.  After a week it out grew the pot it came in.  When he bought me a new pot for it, he also brought home 2 more!  I love watching them grow.  With a little TLC I can make a cactus grow beyond what the horticulturalist says they can.  I love watching them get new leaves and spines.  I watch the new growth every day and smile my secret smile.

See what I mean?  Little things that make me happy.

I wrote about losing my my kitty while we were still house hunting.  She was never healthy.  After a month in the new house guess what shows up on our door step?  A stay tom.  He is so sweet.  I bet some animal hater threw him out a car window and he ended up on our door step.  He is very thin but we are working on that.  He is a loving little thing.  I would guess just a year old.

Another thing that brings joy to my life is the porch.  I have our camp chairs arranged in a circle.  It is the perfect size.  After supper, when Dragon gets home in time to eat with us, we sit out there and watch the sun go down.  Just the two of us.  The kids clean the kitchen and vacuum under the dining room table.

The big things  still worry me but there is joy in my life.  Every where I look.