Wednesday, November 15, 2017

A Flirt

Dragon had been dealing with a major plumbing disaster.  A simple $5 5 minute fix turned into a $200 all day fiasco.  Don't ever put CPVC in a house.  Not smart. 

Dragon's poor hands were beat up by the end of the day.  He took off his wedding band and asked me to put it away.  I put it in the safest place for something so important to both of us. 

The next day her went to work.  One of his coworkers started flirting with him.  She didn't take his usual "I'm not interested" signals.  He had to tell her straight up that he is not available.  She assumed that our marriage was in trouble when he didn't have his ring. 

Did she ever get the wrong impression! 

My Dragon was kind and let her know that we are still very much together.  Who knew that someone would take something so small so seriously?  It is important to both of us but the rings can spend some time put away. 

He put his ring back on as soon as he got home from work.  No more confused coworkers we hope!

Sunday, October 29, 2017

His Rules

Something I didn't accept when we first started practicing Domestic Discipline is that he is totally in charge.  Yes, I have my safe words.  Those can stop even see well deserved punishment immediately. But he is still the one in charge.  He makes the rules, not me. 

The basic framework is built on the 5 Ds.  We don't really think about them.  They are so basic that we don't need to.  There are only two rules that are specific.  No cussing and seatbelt use. 

The cussing rule came after a hard deployment.  The seatbelt rule came up during a very nasty winter.  That is the rule that usually gets me in trouble.  If the warning ding happens in a parking lot, I'm okay.  But if I get caught on the highway nothing can get me out of the paddling. 

I broke the second rule last night.  Only a warning from Dragon kept me out of serious trouble.  I got off with a crooked smile and a stern lecture.  My bottom is thankful. 

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Beating Depression

I can't fight with my health.  There are times that my body just says enough.  That is when I fall into a funk.  It is very hard to pull myself out of it but I have to live! 

I am one of those odd people that actually likes working out.  Endless running, walking or aerobics isn't my thing.  My lungs say nope.  Once my pulse rate hits a certain bpm, I'm done. 

Right now my endurance and energy levels are very low.  I'm starting over.....  again....

That's okay.  I know what to do. 

I thought about turning to Beach Body.  They sell great workouts that are mostly cardio.  See the problem?  And the entire company is based on a pyramid scheme.  Not something I really want to support.  I might actually go for it if the products weren't so overpriced. 

When I started looking for a fitness guide to follow this time, Dragon reminded my how effective the Buff Dudes schedule was.  Their eating plan is for men looking to add bulk.  Not my goal at all.  I already know how to eat clean.   I like the original 12 week plan.  It is available on pdf and is free.  The equipment I need is waiting for me in the garage. 

When I build lean muscle mass, the fat melts away, my endurance spikes, I sleep better and feel better.  All endless cardio does for me is shape my backside a little and make me tired. 

Tomorrow, I am rearranging my workout space.   The bench needs to be more convenient to use.  The mats need to be cleaned and things need to be organised a little better.  Yep, I'm a perfectionist. 

Gotta start somewhere. 

Saturday, October 14, 2017

A Stolen Moment

Dragon's favorite place to study is my cave in the garage.  Surrounded by workout equipment, a punching bag and targets punched full of holes.

It is quiet out there.  A place the kids avoid.

I needed to get some hand sewing done on a project, so I joined him.  We both worked in silence for over an hour.  He closed his computer and gently put my project back in my basket.

It was time play.

He picked up the paddle and I removed the clothing that just seems to get in the way. It wasn't the longest or hardest paddling I've ever had but it sure did feel good.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

What a Crazy Life

Dragon in school, kids sports, music, school work.  All the things that make life hectic and rewarding and just plain worth living.

But my head is spinning.  Going a million different directions.  I love it and I hate it.

Then I realize it is all about to change

I honestly only have one school aged kid.  Yep.  Just one.

The girls are all 18 and older.

One last year of high school sports for my 18 yo.  One last season of music lessons.

They are growing up so fast.

What is next?

I have to let them go but I feel so lost.  I guess this is what growing pain feels like.  I'll figure it out.  

Thursday, October 5, 2017

The Media

Once upon a time Dragon was a professional firefighter.  In his off time he volunteered at our little hometown department.  One day the fire he responded to was just a few houses down from our home.  That is the day that I learned not to listen to the media.

I was an eye witness to the spread of the flames but not how it started.  I told the reporter what the home owner said to me.  She left shortly after speaking with me.

Listening to the evening news was more like a game of telephone in elementary school.  The final news report was what the final kid in line whispered back to the teacher.  It didn't even resemble what the reporter witnessed or heard.  It was so far from reality that I thought she was talking about another home fire.

Now I'm listening to fantasies about the awesome power of a simple AR with a bump stock.  Huge exaggerations and pure fiction. I hear what the mainstream media is saying but then eye witnesses are telling other sources what they saw.

Ring ring

Be careful what you believe.

We don't have a gun problem.  We have a hate problem.  We have a media problem feeding the hate for ratings.  Hate and rage makes for huge profits.  Don't be fooled.

Sunday, October 1, 2017

Confessions

Shame is a huge reason for the pause.  Dragon's busy schedule is part of it but not even the biggest issue.

In a word?  Incontinence.

Actually it is all that comes with it.

Silly I know.

I'm not shy about the Impressa devices.  That is just a little string visible. Not a big deal.  What makes me push Dragon away are the pads.  Impressa comes with a time limit.  8 hours.  12 hours at the absolute most.  With the devices I use a pad about the size of a panty liner.  Just a little bigger but not by much.  When I have to go without the devices is another story.  For me to feel confident that my clothes will stay clean I use a much larger pad.

90% of the time the smaller ones would be enough but occasionally it isn't.  That's why I started using protection to begin with.  I had an accident away from home and had no way to change clothes.

I'm fine with Dragon seeing the little string and the thin liner but the heavier pads make me duck my head in shame.  He knows that I use them.  Heck, he buys them for me most of the time.

I just can't do it.  Until today I haven't told him. But I finally confessed.  "What can I do to help" was his response.  That has been his attitude with all of this.  Helpful, kind and gentle as always.

He doesn't deserve my rejection.  I just don't know how to get past this.

I'm sure he will come up with something.  Love my man just a little.

Saturday, September 30, 2017

TTWD Paused

Dragon has decided to go back to school.  With our already busy schedule that doesn't leave much time for us.  We went out last night to celebrate our anniversary.  It was nice.  Time for just us but right now that is rare.

That's okay.  The kids are growing up fast and they will be off living their own lives soon.  I can do hectic for now.

No fun kinky play.  Discipline has been reduced to stern looks.

I am looking forward to the Christmas holidays.  Dragon will be working but he won't have school. Something to look forward to.
 

Monday, September 25, 2017

In The News

More NFL players are taking a knee.  Why?  I honestly don't think most of them understand why they are doing it.  Team solidarity for one.

I think they need to pay attention to their fans.  You know.  The people who buy expensive tickets and over priced merchandise.  I honestly don't care what Trump has to say about it but apparently some people are having a complete melt down over it.
Just take a look at You Tube and you will see what real people think about it.  The news only tells the story they want you to hear.


And then you have one lone player that stands while his team hides in the locker room.
I think the fans have spoken.  We enjoy our freedoms that are protected by the Bill of Rights.  The football stars can kneel and the fans can stay home.

What do you think?

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Self Defense Class

If you have never had a self-defense class, take one!  I took my first ever class today and I want more!  It was fun and I learned more than I expected.  Punching, kicking, twisting.  Give him more than he asked for.  Be generous in the a$$ kicking deployment.  Don't stop until you get away.  The only rule is to keep moving.

Not much of an update, I know but it is what I have.  Hope you had a great weekend!



Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Memories

I got a call this week that left me a little stunned.  My ex husband passed away.  They are calling it natural causes but I suspect the meth was a major factor.

His family asked my daughter what songs she would like for the funeral.  There is a problem.  All the normal daddy songs won't work.  Daddy's Hands, Dancing with Cinderella, Butterfly Kisses. Those songs talk about relationship and love.  She never had either one with him.

He never could just be content.  He had to be the center of attention at a party.  Add in weed, meth and Natural light and the party was on.  I know for a fact that he would love Margaritas ville and Red Solo Cup.

We finally settled on this one.


 



What do you think?  Any more ideas?  This is hard.

Highway to Hell was on my short list but I don't think his family would approve.

Inappropriate suggestions welcome.  I am relieved he is gone.  I don't have to hide anyone.  I can visit my family and not be afraid.

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Going Gray

It happens.  My hair is getting lighter and lighter.  I love it.  To me it is an honor.  So many people never have the privilege of seeing those white strands multiply.

Years ago, when I just had a few shiny white strands, my mother insisted that it was time to cut my hair short and color it.  Remember those old commercials?



Yep.  That is what came to my mind.  I looked at my mom like she had lost her mind.  The last time I let her style my hair I ended up with a gravity defying boufaunt and a banana clip.  Nope nope nope.

Now my hair is even longer.  My mother looks at my hair with a sour look on her face.

After years of nagging I decided to give in and used blue splat.  Then my daughters started getting into the act.

My poor mom.

Recently I looked in the mirror and realized my once dark hair isn't so dark anymore.  I'm not sad at all.  It makes my fun colors show up even brighter.  I let Dragon pick the color and now I have very fun, very long hair.  Without damaging my hair with bleach, I have a fantastic vivid color.

Love it.

I love my gray and I love my fun colors!

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Strangers


Dragon asked if I had shared Strangers this year.  Looking back at my blog I see that it has been several years.  The journal is long gone.  This is the only entry that remains.  I know it is hard to read. Know that it was even harder to live.  

Strangers

Why do I share this every year?   Most people have no idea what it is like to be military.   Most people have no idea what it is like to be the one left behind.

This was written at the beginning of a deployment to a war zone, at the mid point and finally back at the airport.   The journal page was tear stained.   That was the hardest deployment of a long career.

******
I hate airports. They are places of tears. My body shakes as I try to control them. Then I look at my children and I see their hearts breaking. My own tears fall….He sees my tears and his iron grip of control begins to slip. People turn away. They can’t stand to see our pain. They know where he is going. They know we are left behind. I stand at the window watching the plane pull away from the gate. Walk that lonely walk back to the car. The drive home seems longer than ever. The house does not feel like home.

My best friend, my husband, the father of children has left. I don’t know where he is going. Don’t want to know. More questions than answers. When will he come home? Will he come home? How do I survive? He is my life. He is everything. I am me because he is with me. No more watching or reading the news. Not even just to read the headlines. Routine. Step by step each day I learn to survive. Run, breakfast, cut grass, shower, lunch, clean, check email, walk the dog. Same thing every day moving in a daze. I am afraid to hope.

At the airport again. The seasons have changed. But then so have I. I stand at the arrival gate waiting for a stranger. He is my husband and the father of my children. My tears fall once again. I am nervous and afraid. Will he really come home this time. Will everything be the same? I hope so. There he is. I see him. He has cut his hair again, his skin is darker, his eyes are different. I expect his hug to feel the same but it doesn’t. He walks ahead of me much faster than I can keep up to get to the luggage pickup. I know I should understand why but I don’t and he can’t explain. We are strangers again.

a military wife

Monday, September 11, 2017

Pain


Steps up to soap box

I deal with chronic pain on almost a daily basis.  Unfortunately I am allergic to most pain relievers.  The only one I can take is Tylenol.  And that stuff is toxic even at low doses.  It doesn't touch my pain.  Absolutely no relief.

At one point the pain was so bad that I was willing to turn the marijuana to find some relief.  Thankfully it is illegal here and Dragon has issues with breaking the law.  With my luck, I would have a massive allergic reaction to the stuff.

One day, curled up in the fetal position, I nearly gave up.  Somehow during that really hard period, we figured out that alcohol cut the pain.  Not the hip and back pain.  Or even the pain that turns my hands into claws.  But just a little whiskey reduced the headaches and facial pain.

Somehow alcohol has become my go-to drug when I just can't stand it any.

I'm careful.  I know the risk.  I never drink if I know I am going to drive.  When I see that I've been drinking too much, I back off.  Sometimes I'll go for days without a drink.  If the pain isn't bad, I don't touch it.

The alternative is curling up and whispering 10 10 10.  The other alternative is prescription drugs. Those drugs are just as addictive and I can't take them anyway.

If the head and facial pain is only at 6 or 7, I deal with it.  8 and above I start looking for relief.

I didn't know how Dragon always seems to know when I'm hurting.  Today he told me.  I loose mobility in my face.  Half smiles. Slurred speech and aphasia.

Here is the biggest mystery.  When Dragon starts getting concerned about how much I'm drinking, I quit for a few days or even weeks on my own.  The bottles just sit there.  I'm not even tempted.  My daily limit is usually 4 shots for an entire day.  Normal is less.

People judge me for it but I just don't care.  You want to judge how I live, you try living even one day with my pain.  Yes. I know what alcoholism does to a family.  Yes I know what it does to my body but the alternative is suicide.  I couldn't stand the pain any more.

Steps off of soap box


Friday, September 8, 2017

Subspace

Dragon needed to study.  He is taking two classes from a local college.  But he couldn't settle down and get it done.  The reading material is tuff.  I'll give him that much credit.  

He read about half of the required material and gave up for the day.  We sat down to watch Netflix for a little while.  It didn't take him very long to figure out I needed his touch.

He grabbed my hands and held them in his strong grip.

I was done.

Subspace

That's all it took.

No, our play didn't end there.  He wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that.  Absolute submission.

I slept better than I have in months.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Price Gouging

Yes, I know this isn't a political blog but it is affecting me RIGHT NOW.

Right after the hurricane water could be found for $40+ a case.  Media pressure was enough to bring the price back down.

Now the oil industry is cashing in on the disaster.  Gas prices are up almost $2 a gallon.  The media has created a false panic about nonexistent shortages.

I pray the Governor Abbot or President Trump put a stop to this fast!  We are already struggling without this mess.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Hurricane Harvey

This time we were not in the path.  We should have been but this is what happens when you name a hurricane after a man. He won't ask for directions, wanders around lost, leaves a mess and doesn't clean up after himself.

Life is getting back to the crazy normal.  Even Dragon is going back to school.  AND  I have two clients!  The first since Dragon retired.  Happy me.  A very busy me.  I like it when life keeps me busy!

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Series Book Review

I love Karen Chance as an author.  Her books have me waiting on the edge of my seat for the next one in the series.

But.  

You can't have a character that knows guns and calls a magazine a clip.  I can't stand it.  Every time Dorina calls a magazine a clip I have to put the book down for the day.  It makes the book last longer but it is irritating.

I love Cassie but how does that girl keep ending up naked?  Every book!  Good grief, give the girl some clothes.

And last but not least, over complicated scenes.  I get totally lost in the improbable battle scenes.

Don't get me wrong.  I LOVE her books.  Vampires, werewolves, magic and romance.  I highly recommend the Cassie Palmer and Dorina books but be warned, some parts are hard to read.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

A Lesson Learned in Tornado Ally

Low chance of rain. An unusually humid day.  It felt more like Florida or Alabama than our semi arid area.  Small storms were developing and fizzling all around us.  A few drops of rain and a little thunder kept us inside.

It was a good day for a nap.

No warnings.  I kept watch because I know how fast the weather turns nasty here.

A great day until it wasn't.

The light rain turned into a down pour.  The house shook with the force of wind.  Just as I was taking a breath to call the kids to the hall, one of them said, "MOM I THINK IT'S A TORNADO!!!"

A huge boom and the power was out.

By the time we were all huddled in the hall, it was over.

I left the kids in the safety of the hall while I looked at the damage.

A huge 100 year old tree was mostly down and took the power lines with it. The chicken coop was blown over and the chickens looked stunned.  Tin roofing was scattered across three yards.

Nothing on the news.  No warnings.

I called Dragon as soon as I could.  I'm glad I did. The neighbors sent him a text asking if we were okay.  I don't know what I would have done without them.

We are okay and the house had very little damage.  It took about 6 hours to get the meter repaired and power back on.  It is so wet that we are having a hard time getting the fire going.

Disaster strikes fast with very little warning.  Watch the sky and always be aware of what the weather is doing.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Gravity is a B......

It sure is.

Life gets busy and it takes a toll.

Sorry.  No spanking this week.  Fun, punishment or otherwise.

Just a fun song about life.

Enjoy


Monday, August 7, 2017

The Belt

The belt holds a place of fear in my mind.  We have been working on that fear for years.  Dragon is patient and is slowly chipping away at all those old fears.

First he just let me see it in his hand.  After a few months he stroked my bare skin with the smooth leather.  Then came light taps that didn't even come close to stinging.

Last week I asked for a real spanking with the belt.  I'll admit that I called RED long before it began to really hurt but I'm closer.  The blind lizard brained fear never hit.  I called my safe would when I began to feel my heart race.

Panic would have undone all the progress we have made. We will see what happens next time.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Graduation

My oldest dropped out of school. Even homeschool have standards.  Requirements for graduation that must be met and I don't give away diplomas for free.

The daughter next in line met the minimum requirements last year but wanted to do a few extra college prep classes.  She is understandably nervous about succeeding and wanted to be better prepared.  She is nearly done with those last few classes.  I added them to her transcripts and turned them in to the school she chose.

I surprised her last night with a question.  "Would you like a cap and gown?  I am getting ready to order your diploma and we can get it for you. "

She gave me the biggest smile.  It is ordered.  For some reason she thought that graduation was something expected and not a big deal.  But here is mom making a very big deal of it.  I am so proud of her and she needed to know it.

Now she needs to get past this entrance exam thing.  This state has some odd requirements but we will do what needs to be done.  Proud of my baby girl.

Ps.  At 23 my oldest finally decided that maybe school was important and maybe she should have listened to momma.  She is back in school working on her GED.  She wants to be an elementary school teacher.  Sometimes they take a little longer to grow up.  I am very proud of her too!  But she can buy her own cap and gown.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Momma Bear

Dragon got to see Momma Bear in all her glory today.

Dragon was up most of the night in pain.  He is in pain most of time from old injuries, chronic migraines and cluster headaches.  So when the man complains, I listen.

I got out of bed, got dressed and took him to the nearest ER.  IV, morphine, nausea drugs, CT, and blood work.  Lots of waiting, napping after the nice drugs and more waiting.

Then the doctor completely blew him off.  Maybe it is food poisoning or just a tummy bug.  Without seeing all the test results, that was his conclusion.  Here is this idiot blowing him off?

No way.

We don't go to the ER for a tummy bug.

I was furious and let that doctor have a piece of my mind.

I yelled at that doctor.  He walked out of the room and waited for the final test to come back.  With the final test he actually got concerned about the inflammation the CT showed and the kidney stones. Neither one had he mentioned before?  Seriously?

No official diagnosis but we left with a referral to a urologist for the kidney stones.  That was progress.

Just before he went to sleep Dragon said, "Now I know how you feel when doctors blow you off but you know something is wrong."  Those words ment the world to me.  I'm angry that he had to deal with an idiot doctor but I think it is a good thing that he can understand why I fight going to the doctor so much.

Hate hate hate hospitals and I was a paramedic for years.  Dragon is resting and I think ready to go back to work.  The man doesn't know how to take care of himself.  It has been a long day and 5 am comes early.  We shall see if he goes to work.

He probably will, pain or not.  Love that man just a little.  Even if he has a hard head

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

A Better Direction

Years ago, I turned our finances over to Dragon.  He fixed the problems with his credit and earned the best credit score it is possible to have.  The only problem we currently have is that we don't have enough revolving credit.  I think that is awesome!

BUT....

Isn't there always a but?  Dragon isn't very good at saving money or even leaving a savings account alone.  Nearly $50,000 gone and not much to show for it.  A utility trailer we can't pull and a riding lawnmower.  Fairly cheap items compared to the missing money.

Yes, I got mad.  Then I got over it.  This is who he is and I know it.  With my direction he learned how to pay bills.  He learned which corners can be cut and which ones can't.  But the man can't stand to have money sitting in a savings account and see me in rags.

Years ago we saved money in a jar for a very nice sewing machine.  I started putting money back in the jar for a down payment on land.  $30 in cash and who knows how much in change I already had in the jar.

This morning I dusted off my old jar and let Dragon know it is there.  He got excited.  He wants me to open a savings account at a different bank, without his name on the account.  No risk of cheating that way.  He wants to set up a payment plan to build the account.  The jar will stay put for pocket change but he really wants to seriously start saving.

I think he just needed a little push in the right direction.  I need a co signer just in case I'm away and he needs access to the account.  It won't be him but I haven't figured out who I trust with that responsibility.

One step at a time.  I don't have enough to open an account yet.  It is progress.  I'm not sure how serious he is taking this but he could see how happy I was to have $23 squirreled away.  I think he liked my smile and enthusiasm.  $10,000 is the first goal.  Let's see how dedicated he is this time.

Monday, July 31, 2017

Life With a Veteran

When they are active duty, you are afraid he will give his life to save a stranger.  You are afraid he won't come home.  After he retires you have another worry.

Suicide

21 U.S. veterans die every day by their own hands.  The scars of war and service are too much.

So you can understand why I cried when I watched this video.  I watched the Facebook version without the commentary from the reporter.



Yes, it is old. But this is the first time I have seen it.

A little personal background to understand my conversation with Dragon after I watched the video.  He was a military firefighter and an EMT. He saw things so bad that he refuses to tell me about them.

No, the story wasn't about a suicide but that is the worry now.

My threat, crying.  Sloppy crying too!  Red nose, snot.  All of it.  "If you suicide I'm going to donate you eyes, cremate your body and use the urn as a stand for my cactus."

Dragon:  I'll definitely take that under advisement.

Why is this an effective threat?  Some of the body hauls he did as a medic were done after organ harvesting.  Not a pretty sight.  The eyes were the worst.  He treated several people who were so badly burned that they no longer even resembled people.  And he just hates prickly pear cactus.

What does this have to do with the video?  Losing my Dragon is my greatest fear.  I have lived with it our entire marriage.  Before he retired I was afraid he would die in the line of duty.  Now PTSD and suicide top the list.  The VA is useless. I pray that the care of our veterans is privatized.  Then maybe the suicides will decrease.

Sorry.  Fragmented I know.  I could make this sound better and read like a professional article but that would take several rewrites. I can't do that. Not with this topic.  The tears.  The escort.  The grief.  Yep.  It got to me.  They give so much.  The military is more than a job.  It is a way of life.  A world view that the rest of us just can't understand.

Friday, July 28, 2017

The Mom Cave

No it isn't a girly froo-froo place.  It is an area of our unfinished garage that is separate from the rest by tarp walls.  I stapled plastic over the wall framing and ceiling to help keep the weather out and my AC or heat in.  When that wasn't enough protection I started stapling my targets from the gun range over the walls. The floors are covered with squishy workout tiles and the edges of the room are lined with enough workout equipment to make Planet Fitness look like a wimp.

The largest TV we own sits on an old work bench with a selection of my favorite movies and workout videos stacked to the side.  Placed at random along the wall are sticky traps for the mouse, bug, spider or snake that occasionally sneaks in.

Not the average Girl cave but it is my space.  I even have a punching bag for those times that teenagers or my veteran husband drive me nuts.  It works for me and I share my space with anyone who needs it.

Dragon works in his shop every evening for about an hour, then calls me in for our date time.  We watch marvel tv series or anything else that catches our eye.  It is our time.  No kids. No cell phones.  Just us.

Yep.  I thought I was grounded until my foot got better.  Guess not.  After we watched an episode of Sheild I turned the TV off and he picked up the walnut paddle.  It is his current favorite.  I placed myself across the sit up bench and he barred my bottom.  (Did I mention that The Cave doubles as a play space?  Workout equipment is very easy to pervert.)

The paddling was very mild but he hasn't given me a good spanking since he bruised my sit spot with his belt.  Even the hardest swats were light.  I got up feeling much better with just a light sting that faded before we made it back inside.

Slow and easy.  He knows just what I need.  And it isn't always what I want.  Love my man.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Dominance Games

Every morning I get up at 5:00 to make Dragon's breakfast and pack his lunch.  Nothing fancy.  It is the same every day.  I wait for the shower to start and set the timer.  I have my routine timed perfectly.  By the time Dragon is putting on his shoes, I put his plate on the table and zip his lunch box.

He eats, we say a prayer together and he walks out the door for work.  Simple

This morning, after prayers, he grabbed my hands.  His grip was firm.  No getting away.  With a smile, he let go and left.  My foot needs to hurry up and heal!  I want to play
 

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

What a Week

I am very happy last week is over.  It was a wild one.  I didn't even manage to get spanked.  Not one time!  Always somewhere we needed to be.

Sunday was so busy I didn't even take care of me.  I woke up knowing it was going to be a long day.  We had a death in the family and needed to check on her husband and son.  Walking down the hall to the kitchen I felt something weird in my foot and down I went.  One of my sweet English Mastiffs caught me before I hit the floor.

I made it as far as the kitchen table and sat down. No coffee for me until someone else got up.  Every time I put pressure on my foot PAIN!  After breakfast Dragon taped my foot and one of my daughters helped me put on my shoe.  The tape made walking bearable.

Today is Tuesday and I have my foot propped up and iced.  I probably didn't help it any by ignoring it Sunday but I did what I had to do.

My guess is a stress fracture or a deep bruise for some unknown reason.  If I went to the doctor I would have a prescription I'm allergic to and orders to stay off of it as much as possible.  I may get a walking boot but probably not with my insurance.  Why bother. Either way it will be better soon.  Just no fun.

I can get around the house okay.  As long as I don't try to run a marathon or ride in the car all day again, I'll be fine.

Until I can walk without a limp, no funishments.  Blah.
No maintenance
No fun kinky play.
But I guarantee that punishment is still on the table.
Probably something that doesn't involve the paddle or belt.
Dragon is no fun

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Fabric Snob

Yep.  That's me.

My mother in law wants her kids, the grand kids and great grand kids color coded for an event in the fall.  Our color is green.  We can choose different blouses and shirts but they need to be green.

Challenge accepted.

First stop was the local mall and a few of my favorite stores.  Lots of blue, red  and white but not much green.

There are 8 of us that need to be green.  So far I found one blouse.  It's a start.

Why does Dragon call me a fabric snob?  I love high quality, natural fabrics.  Wool, silk, cotton and linen.  That's about it.  Man made fabrics feel nasty.

We were in one of my favorite boutiques.  Dragon watched me stand still a pet a blouse for almost 5 minutes.  I checked out the stitching, quality of the fabric and construction technique.

He had to laugh.  Not once did I wipe my hands on my cotton blouse.  He said that it looks like linen and since I didn't swipe my hands once, it must be.

I had to see if he was right.

Yep.  100% linen.

Figure that.  To bad it was white and not green.  I was broken hearted when I had to leave without it.  I love wearing white.

Friday, July 14, 2017

Moisture

I felt a little frisky.  It was well past midnight but Dragon didn't have to work the next day.  All is good.

Right?

Nope.  I just figured out another problem with this pause thing.

Moisture or should I say a lack of it?

I'm learning.


Sneezing leaks.  Check

Hot flashes. Check

Problems sleeping.  Check

Mood swings. Check

Dry.  Check

I haven't had this problem since breastfeeding.

It is inconvenient but nothing I haven't had to deal with before.

I just hope this stage doesn't last long.

Putting up with all this crap and a super heavy monthly is miserable.

Monday, July 10, 2017

Every Single Night

I must be going insane.

Every single night I go to bed exhausted from my day. I lay down with sweet dreams already forming.

Then it happens.

My feet get restless and my heart races.  I'm not nervous or worried about anything.  Life is good right now. It isn't a panic attack or anything else I understand.

Finally, the sleepies strike again and I lay down full of hope.  And I'm off to dream land.

Just kidding.

In my cool bedroom I pop back up burning hot.  It feels like I am standing on top of a sand dune mid August in Idaho.  113* plus heat index.  Nothing works to cool my burning skin.  A cool wish cloth.  A fresh glass of ice water.  Stripping naked.

Nothing helps.

Then the heart burn hits.

You have got to be kidding me!

Is this what getting older feels like?

If anyone else was still awake in my house I would scream at them just to get rid of some of the frustration.

The joke isn't funny.  It is miserable.


Friday, July 7, 2017

The Appellate Process

Any relationship that includes domestic discipline can get intense.  Yes, there are many advantages but communication has to flow in both directions.  We started the appellate process with our children.  Instead of laying down the law they have one last chance to give us information we did not previously have. It is our way to make sure our decisions are fair.

It works the same between us.  Dragon tells me why I am being punished and I have three choices
1.  Immediately submit
2.  Call for a time out that lets both of us calm down
3.  Appeal his decision.

In our house punishment happens immediately or not at all.  One of my appeals was on a date night.  We had tickets to the symphony.  It wasn't fair to go with a tear streaked face and it wasn't fair to make us both worry about it all evening.  I got a pass for the night.

Sometimes my appeals are shot down.  I dropped a dirty word in a very put place.  I tried it.  I made excuse after excuse but I knew I had earned a barn burner.  That is just what I got.  I didn't sit down for days.  Cussing is not lady like.  It was our very first rule.

The first time Dragon punished me for forget my seatbelt was on a snowy day in Idaho.  I argued that it isn't a rule.  I lost that argument.  First, it is the law.  Second, I agreed to the 4 Ds.  Seat belt use falls under dangerous.  I ended up with a very sore bottom and I didn't forget my seatbelt again for a very long time.

I have even called one punishment unjustified all together until I sat in time out with a very sore bottom.  I got frustrated with my Dragon.  I snapped at him, refused to listen and slammed the bedroom door.  After that spanking we added the cooling off period.  During the spanking I stayed defiant but after some time to think, I was in tears.   Dragon was ready with a hug and forgiveness.

This lifestyle isn't always easy.  I promise you, laying across his lap for a punishment is one of the hardest things I have ever done.  Barring my bottom and accepting the consequences for my actions.  Just doing that much is almost punishment enough.  Knowing that I do have some choices helps.  We didn't begin DD to save our marriage.  Starting something like this when trust is shaky is probably not a good idea.  We brought DD into who we are because we don't ever want to get that close to divorce again.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

RED

We use safe words.  We use them for a reason.

I needed our weekly session.  I needed to feel it tomorrow.  And he knows it.

Light swats with the paddle. It was a stingy warm-up.  Then the belt.

All is good in my little world.

He went back to the paddle and it happened.

RED

A swat landed harder than expected.  Right on the sit spot.

I was done


No guilt

No anger

No fear

It happens

He respects my boundaries.  It's why TTWD works.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Happy Independence Day!


While you grill and feed the masses.  When you set off your fireworks and drink your beer, remember why we celebrate.

Freedom is not free.

We bought a few sparkles and smoke bombs for the kids to enjoy.  And I'm sure I will enjoy the fireworks caused by the paddle connecting to my backside.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

No Fun for Us

Independence week is hard for both of us for different reasons.  Some years we almost celebrate like a normal family.  Not this year.  Nope.

Dragon's PTSD is bad.  The sounds of the fire works, the smell of burning gunpowder and grills.  We celebrate the 4th with fire works to mimic the bombs and gun fire of a long ago war.  The sounds of war haven't changed that much.  A mortar round is still a mortar.  For Dragon, he is back in Afghanistan.  He isn't here with us.  He is far away reliving a nightmare I can't even imagine.

And let's add to the problem.  Because he has permanent damage from larium toxicity, the drugs used to treat PTSD don't work for him.  I have learned how to help him by changing his diet.  Absolutely NO MSG for one.  And I've added foods that are rich in the amino acids his brain needs to produce hormones.  I have done a lot of reserves trying to find anything to help.  Tremors, mood swings that make pregnant ladies look calm, panic attacks and flash backs.  The diet changes really help but every few months everything stops working.  Life becomes hell while his body re-sets.  Next week I'll reintroduce the foods that help and in a few days he will be back to normal.

But that doesn't help either of us this week.  Nothing we haven't done before.  Situation normal for a house with a combat vet.  FUBAR.  F@#$ed Beyond All Recognition.

This to shall pass.  We will both feel better after this holiday neither one of us feel much like celebrating.

Independence Day

As we celebrate our freedom this fine holiday, remember that freedom is never free.  Someone had to pay the ultimate price.

I'm not sure the video is going to work but it is Trace Atkins singing Arlington

Friday, June 30, 2017

The Day After

My backside is sore and still has a few marks.  Not as many as I expected but I am still feeling it!  Yesterday was a new beginning for us.  The first of many weekly reminders of what is really important.  I get caught up in family drama no matter how hard I try to stay out of it.  The stress builds and I fall apart.

This was a bad one.  Most of the time these sessions will be more erotic than pain.  This one had to be hard.  It wasn't a punishment but the stress has been building for a long time.  I needed for him to be the strong one and not stop until he felt my surrender. I couldn't ask for it.  Who in their right mind would?  But I did give my consent.  One word would have stopped everything instantly.

I'm not sure if he will stick with once a week or add more days in.  This is part of being Taken in Hand.  Surrendering the control.  Handing it over to him.  It takes absolute trust.  For now Thursday is the official day of our re-set.  He may even make it random to keep me guessing.

I just finished a little workout and I need to jump in the shower before Dragon gets home.  For some reason the impressa is a little uncomfortable today.  I think it will take my body a few days to readjust since I went a full week without it.  A warm shower and I'll be back on my feet.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

The Re-Set Button

Remove your clothes.

Do you know I love you?

I do this because you need to cry.

You have needed this for a long time.

What are your safe words?

And the worst spanking Dragon has ever given me began.  I don't know how many swats he gave me but there was no warm up. The only warning I had that this one was going to be different was his pre-spanking speech.

First the paddle.  Left, right and again right on the sit spot.

5 Don't move.  These are really going to hurt but you can do it.   You need this.

Yes I did need it but that didn't make it any easier to take.

His hand eased the sting before more swats fell.  It felt like my backside was on fire.  Like I couldn't take another swat but he didn't stop.

3 You can do this.

The paddle cracked across the sit spot.  He has never given me more than a few mild swats there.  WOW it is sensitive!  Understatement of the year.

More swats with the paddle.  Not soft but not as hard.  Then I heard his belt being pulled free from the belt loops.  A distinctive sound.  The first swat fell softer than the paddle but that didn't last for more than 10 strokes.  Then he really got down to business.

Things I learned
*The paddle was the warm-up.
*I can take a harder spanking than I ever imagined
*Dragon is capable of delivering justice
*The belt also makes contact with other bits.
     Startling but not necessarily painful
*I'm absolutely sure I don't want to earn a punishment if that was just a 're-Set.

My bottom is very sore.  I have no desire to put on panties or jeans.  And he was right.  That was just what I needed.




Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Punishment

What does it look like at house?

He whispers in my ear.  "You just broke _________ rule. You know what that means."  I usually reply with a no please or ask for another chance.  If I have a very good reason he may change his mind.

At the first opportunity he administers the punishment.

D:  Do you know why you are being punished?
r:  Yes sir
D:  Do you know I love you and would never do anything to hurt you?
r: Yes sir.

I hate hate hate the punishment.  If Dragon sees terror in my eyes everything stops.  Anger or if I look resigned to my fate the punishment happens.  I still have safe words but RED won't get me out of a punishment.  It will just delay things while he figures out what is wrong.

Then he has me remove or drop my pants and panties and puts me in the position of his choice.  Laying down, standing with my hands in a chair or across his lap.  When I'm in position he tells me how bad it is going to be.   30  swats or more.  And he shows me what he is using.  His hand, one of our paddles or a strap.

Sometimes he lectures as he strikes my behind.  Sometimes he gets it overwith in silence.  It depends on his mood.  When he is finished he pulls me into his arms and if the waterworks didn't start with the lecture, they make up for lost time.  His gentleness after the spanking is over does me in.

Last comes what could be called corner time but he doesn't usually put me in a corner.  He sits me down on my burning behind in silence. He leaves my sight but stays close.  Punishments are intense for both of us and this gives me time to cope with the flood of emotions.  Resentment, anger, guilt or shame.  I cry even harder and eventually calm down.

Then and only then is the punishment over and we end up making love.  Tender, loving and absolutely amazing.

He sometimes asks me why I want a domestic discipline relationship.  Every time I tell him it is the love make afterwards.  And that is what I miss most.   That is why we keep coming back to it time after time.

I love my Dragon so very much and trust him absolutely.


Monday, June 26, 2017

Shhhhh it's a dirty little secret

Shhhhh
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.
.
We aren't supposed to talk about it
.
.
.
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It's a secret.
.
.
.
.
.
It's embarrassing.
.
.
.
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But it's happening to me now!

What is?

Stress incontinence.

It was a small problem and has been for years.  A few drops with a sneeze, laugh or cough.

But now it is a big problem.

My daughter came to visit.  Our granddaughter was celebrating her first birthday and she wanted to share it with us.  A huge honor.  But my daughter started getting sick somewhere around the state line.  I was the first to get sick after she arrived.  This was the kind of tummy bug that you don't trust a fart.  You sit on the throne with the garbage can between your knees.

Thanks child of mine.  That's just how I wanted to celebrate!

No.  Not really...

After I finally recovered from the bug it didn't take long to discover that the stress incontinence was now a major problem.  Panty liners weren't enough.  A single sneeze ment a change of clothes.  If that wasn't enough I somehow ended up with pneumonia.

Fun times.

Cough, pee, cough, pee.

I was constantly changing clothes.

I did what I do and figured out what I needed. #3 poise pads and the Impressa sizing kit.  The poise web page and you tube were my main resources.  Quick fix.  That's what I needed.

With my head down and in a small voice, I told Dragon what was wrong and what I needed.

He headed right out to the store and got what I needed!  He understands!  He knows why I feel shame even if I shouldn't.

Now more than a month later my control is much better but still not as good as it was.  I am just one step up from a liner.  Poise #2 pads are basically liners.  Just a little longer and wider.  Very thin.  And I love the impressa.  I have more confidence now in public.  I don't have to limit liquids or avoid laughing.

The tummy bug was kind of a blessing.  I am talking about it with Dragon.  I'm not ashamed of something I can't control and I'm taking steps to fix it.

No, surgery is not an option for me.  I have seen it go very wrong. And after my misadventures with an IUD, Dragon won't pressure me to do it.  I have non surgical options now.  What a relief!  I can live in comfort with confidence!

Ps. Impressa is sold by Poise.  It is similar to a pessary device but is sold over the counter.  It was developed to treat stress incontinence.  The device comes in three sizes and poise sells a kit to help you find your size.  After 8 pregnancies and 4 births, I am a size 1.  The smallest one.

I was using them every day but now that my control is improving, I am using the device just when I leave the house.  Shopping, the gym, going for a walk.  Yes, it helps that much.  My only regret is that I didn't discover it sooner!

Don't let incontinence be a taboo subject.  It is a very real problem for so many women.  Talk about it and share solutions.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Crime and Punishment

Our rules are simple and cover EVERYTHING!  But that's why they are so common in DD relationships.  The 4 Ds of discipline.

Dishonesty- don't lie, not even by omission
Disrespect- be respectful and not just to him
Dangerous- seatbelt!!!!
Disobedience-  so much falls under this rule

Dragon hates punishing me but he also believes that the punishment should fit the crime.

Dishonesty-    usually I lie about food.  I go anna and start skipping meals.  Not a big deal until I make myself sick.  For a few weeks I get reminder swats in the morning.  That is enough to make me eat.  I really don't like punishment spankings.

Seatbelt use.  It is really just me being forgetful but he calls it disrespect, dangerous and disobedience.  He lets it slide sometimes but if he has to remind me to often that spanking isn't fun.  I feel the effects for a week and don't forget my seatbelt for a long time.

Swearing falls under disrespect and disobedience.  Add in dishonesty too because I tend to deny the crime.  I'm very happy he isn't into mouth soaping.  Figging and the paddles come out for this one.
8
Sometimes he will surprise me with a punishment.  It violates one of the 4 basic rules but I just didn't think about it.  He usually just gives me a warning but sometimes he wants to get to the seat of the problem.

If I confess something but he doesn't consider it anything major Dragon will ask if I need a spanking for it. If I say yes he will ask what kind.  It doesn't really matter what I say though. He gives me what I need.  Anything from a gentle reminder to a barn burner.  He decides.

My Dragon is always fair.  Sometimes I disagree with a punishment but after the spanking I change my mind and apologize. He is starting to get more creative with consequences.  Corner time is now an option. Clothing restrictions and silent punishment.  Not pleasant, I can tell you!

It is what it is.  I am Taken in Hand by my Head of Household.  The way we do it doesn't have to even resemble what anyone else is doing.  It is about relationship and what works for the couple involved. It took me a while to figure that out.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Rope

Tonight's adventure was jute rope, hand twisted by my Dragon.  I don't know how he does it but it was soft with just a little bite.

We had planned to experiment with his belt but real pain stopped impact before it started.  Oh well.  It has been forever since we played with the ropes.  Dragon knows me.  I play hard but we have to ease back into it.  He tied my legs together nice and tight.  After he showed me how to untie the knot it was time to watch a movie.

He loves watching me squirm. Flex, point, flex point, bend knees, flex point.  Wiggle, squirm, sigh.  That little bit of bondage put me straight into sub space.  I had the silk rope in my hands. Not tied.  Just a fidget tool.

I made it. As the ending credits rolled I untied the ropes around my legs.  Sweet relief.  Next time he adds my hands. Yikes.

Friday, June 23, 2017

Getting Back into the Swing of Things

We had a few false starts and some missteps but we are finally back.  We are beginning to play again and bringing domestic discipline back into the mix.    Baby steps.  You would think that we are a new couple just beginning to explore.

The floggers came out first.  A rain of leather across my back.  Very gentle the first few times.  Now the paddles are coming back.  Even the hated plexiglass. I took about 10 stiff swats last night.  Several of them to the most sensitive sweet spot. I know.  It wasn't very many but I managed to stay in place without restraints!  Progress

Dragon says that punishment will come back when he is sure I am ready.  None of the rules have changed but I still want to review them before my backside pays the price for a memory lapse.  He has added more possibilities too.  Corner time, kneeling, clothing restrictions and a few more than aren't coming to mind right now. He says that the punishment should fit the crime.  Now that has me worried but not to much.  Dragon is never abusive and watches me very close during any type of punishment to make sure I am handling it okay.

For now discipline is a hard look, firm words and a hand on my backside.  He wants me to remember that my actions have consequences.  One day soon he is going to decide it is time to reintroduce punishment spanking.  Honestly, I'm not looking forward to it but I know it's time.  If he decides to punish me tonight I'll bend over the bench and take what I deserve.  It has been a long time in coming.

 I'm tempted to confess my poor eating habits and ask for one just to get that first session over with.  It has been over 4 years since I had a good punishment.  A few minor sessions, yes but the last paddling that left me in a puddle was that long ago!  Next time he asks if I need a punishment, the answer will be yes.  I think we both need it.

More latter.  I need to get to work.  I am behind on everything!

Thursday, June 22, 2017

I'm Back!

Life?  Crazy insane!  My granddaughter turned one.  Kids growing up faster than I can keep up.  PTSD crisis.  Car trouble.  Major pay cut.  And a family emergency in another state.  Blag.

One day at a time.

We are finally getting back into the swing of things.  Blogger, flogger, paddles and all the things that make me go yum.

More latter.  I am still dealing with very bad headaches and right now my head is pounding.  More latter.  I promise.  And this time I'll share email address as soon as I figure out how to change it on blogger.

I'm sorry for disappearing for so long.