Monday, April 30, 2012

Oh my... blush

Reading 50 Shades of Gray.....  It turns my cheeks pink.  The book is very well written so far.  Much better than a sparkly teenage vampire novel.  WEG  The budding romance between Ana and Mr Gray is a page turner.  I am having a hard time putting the book down.

Amber, my oldest told me that it doesn't have any more filth than the average romance novel.  I'm not very far into the book but so far, I have to agree.

Time to charge my new toy and work in my sewing room for a bit.  (love my Kindle but an old fashioned book doesn't need charging every 7 hours of use.)  The entari is done and the vest is nearly complete.  We purchased a nice pair of slacks from Dillards.  At $40 I feel like we did pretty good at that expensive store.  Now to finish the jacket.  Yesterday I finished the seams with bias binding.  That will keep the inside as neat as the outside.  Now to put the jacket together and decide how to finish the edges.  I think I am going to make a seam facing rather than use bias binding like the instructions call for.  It will give the finished product a neater, more professional look.  (yes, I will post of photo of the finished outfit but it will probably out me if I know any of you in RL.  It is original and fun.

Dragon also found my copy of "The Power of a Praying Wife"  The first day of prayer is "His Wife"  The first step in prayer is to make sure your heart is where is should he.  I love my Dragon so very much, I want to be the best wife I can be.  His Wife!  Not the wife others think I should be.  He is the Head of our Household not those who criticize my every move.


Ok.  one more thing.  Spanking.  Last night Dragon gave me a stress relief.  Yowza!  Those swats hurt.  He used a little think oak paddle.  One of the first ones he made.  Wowchy that thing stings.  I don't want to earn a punishment with that thing.  Stress relief was hard enough.  I did my spanking dance double time.  Hope he enjoyed it.  My bottom sure didn't.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Sexuality and self acceptance

As a teenager, I thought something was wrong with me.  The girls around me were all boy crazy and talked about cute buts and how hot this guy was.  My thoughts?  YUCK!  I thought boys dressed neater and weren't expected to follow every trend.  A simple button down shirt with slacks or jeans.  Neat.  To the point.  But I had no interest in them.  NONE

There were no other options.  Girls date boys, get married and have kids.  Some work.  Some stay home.  Fact of life.  No other options.  Unless you wanted to be an old maid, never get married and teach school.  I thought I was frigid.  That something was wrong with how God made me.  It couldn't be right.

Fast forward several years.  22 years old and on my honeymoon with Dragon.  We were driving down to Orlando, Florida for a few days at the Disney resort.  All along the interstate were billboards advertising adult novelty stores and we started talking.  Sex, toys, bondage and {gasp} girls.

Yes, he had noticed.  A cut guy couldn't turn my head no matter now hard he flexed those muscles but a girl in a tight pair of jeans?  Oh yes.   He declared me to be a leg lady.  Legs and a shapely figure could turn my head and fast.

And so began my journey to self acceptance.  Was I born this way or did life condition me to be this way?  Surely God hated me.  I didn't fit into the narrow stereotype that southern girls should fit into.  Married to a man.  That is good but this thing with girls?  Nope.  I was a freak.

It took years.  What finally changed my mind?  After the rumor started flying among the church gossips, my children were excluded from activities.  People who were friends before gave us the cold shoulder.  They were polite but not friendly.  It took a while but I found out why.  They hear a rumor that was lesbian.  Instead of asking, they assumed it was true.  I was in a marriage that had lasted longer than any relationship most of them had been in.  Most of them were divorced or separated.  I had never had sex with a woman.  Never.  Still haven't but the damage was done.

They couldn't see that God loves me too.  That we all sin.  Their minds were closed in hate and judgment.  I left and haven't been able to set foot on another church.  The damage was done.  But I think it was a good thing.  It was the first time I really read the Bible and looked at the verses on homosexuality.  And you know what?  Those verses were specific.  Man with man as with woman.  Time after time.  Yep, it is another double standard in the Bible.  Nothing in the Bible said I was dirty or bad.  Everything said that God loves me and that Jesus died on the cross for my sin.  I couldn't even find a verse that said any of it was even a sin.    I prayed about it and looked some more.  Was I trying to see something that wasn't there?

I talked to people outside of the church.  Some christian and some not.  I began to open up about my faith with more people.  My faith became something I wasn't ashamed of, even as I began to accept my sexuality.      I still can't find a church home.  I find too much hate behind those closed doors and no Christ like love.  But spiritually, I am in a better place.  My faith is on firm ground.  And I do think I have a better understand of Christ like love that most.

Dragon told me years ago that if I wanted a girl friend, I could have one.  He didn't even ask to watch like most men would.  He simply wanted to know about her.  No secrets.  I haven't been brave enough to reach out for that female touch I crave but one day I will.  I'll do it with Dragons blessing.

This morning I had planed to write about the practice of fisting.  I love the feeling of Dragons fist inside of me but when I did an internet search for information to post, I found a web page that distracted me from my intended post.

http://www.sexinchrist.com/fist.html

This one page is about fisting but there are others that I found interesting.  An alternative interpretation of the Bible.  No, I don't agree with everything they said but there it is for you to read.  Make up your own mind.  And remember God is love.  God does not teach us to hate or to judge.  

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Kindle Fire

Yippee! ! !   I have my kindle!  Now I need to learn how to use the thing.  I am technology disabled.   If it doesn't have to do with fabric, needles or dogs I am lost.  I struggle with even simple things on the computer.

One thing at a time.

I have my email set up and and my first book loaded on it.  "50 Shades of Gray" of course!  Now I need to figure out how to use facebook and blogger on it.


Wednesday, April 25, 2012

But, but, but.....

Dragon is feeling the pressure.

Every time I try to reassure him (backwards isn't it?) he come up with a "but"   When I start to panic and worry he takes it to the seat of the matter.  I can't do that. 

What I have decided to do is pray.  I can't find (haven't really looked for) my copy of the power of a praying wife.  What to do?  Spend some time with my confused thought and simply pray.  Pray for my dear Dragon, our future and our children.  

After sitting down in my locked bedroom to pray today I have made a few decisions.  
1. try to get a refund for summer hockey
2. our hockey player can go to stick time, pickup games and hockey camps whenever we can find the time and a place.
3.  Wait.  Pray and reevaluate Friday.  
4.  Have a few "what if" plans in place.  (I have a few ideas that may help sooth the restless Dragon)
5.  PRAY

Don't you sometimes wish you could just spank some calm into your HOH?  When they are nearing panic and just need to chill out?  How in the world am I in a calmer place than my rock of a Dragon?  Can't figure this one out.....  

He is coming home early today.  My plan is to sit down outside in the sunshine and talk.  I'll share my list.  Hope it helps put him in a better place.  

http://www.reviveourhearts.com/articles/31-days-of-praying-for-your-husband/

found this page.  It will at least give my daily prayer a little direction.  

Monday, April 23, 2012

Funny isn't it?

It is funny how DD affects us.  I just realized it isn't just how I react to my Dragon but how I react to the kids as well.

Yesterday was stressful.  I cleaned my son's room. He stayed right by my side, quietly picking up broken toys and putting them in a garbage bag.  Pale and shaking like a leaf.  He knew he was in trouble.  You see, earlier in the day he called his sister an f@##in B@#$%.  Those two words are never to be spoken in this house.  I didn't yell at him when he said them nor did I punish him out of anger.  Since his daddy wasn't home, I decided to keep him by my side and make him work.  And work he did.  Without complaint.  He had to face daddy with those ugly words and didn't want me to have any thing else to report up the chain of command!  

His room had been cleaned recently by Amber.  She spent a day in there sorting clothes and putting toys away.  He threw a temper tantrum and dumped everything right back in the floor.  The stinker refused to pick up.  Now I know why.  His floor was piled a foot high with stuff.  As I started sorting I realized that a lot of it was mine.  Things he had taken into his room and broken out of spite.  The more I cleaned, the more I found.  I should have been angry.  

But I wasn't.  I didn't yell, scream or throw my own temper tantrum.

I had reason to be angry but for a change, I kept my temper under control.  I calmly worked my way from one end of his room to the other.  Sorting and throwing things away.  Broken sewing rulers and a seam ripper that had been missing for weeks.  Torn fabric and I found my missing socks!  Forks, spoons and a butter knife.  Even a jelly jar and books with the covers ripped off.  But I pushed on, instead of getting angry, I worked.

Before DD I would have been a mess.  Shaking, angry, overwhelmed with what had to be done and wondering where I had gone wrong as a mother.  Yesterday I looked for solutions instead.  Most of his toys are gone.  His mutilated clothes are gone and he has lost his right to privacy.  His door is gone.  Now he can't shut himself up  in there and throw a baby fit.  He has so much more room in there without the broken toys.

I had a long talk with him and so did his daddy when he finally walked int he door at 9 pm.  Looking back on it I see something now.  I talked to my son the same way Dragon talks to me when I have broken a rule or picked a fight.  Calm and assertive.  I acted like a leader not an angry maniac.  DD has touched my in a way I never expected it to.  I wasn't afraid of being punished.  That never crossed my mind.  I honestly didn't even think about Dragon much, other than to wish he was there to help.

Would I go back to the way things were pre DD?  Never.

Ps, for some strange reason my girls decided it was a very good time it give their own rooms a good cleaning.  Their clothes are sorted, the floor is swept and they have a bag of toys ready to go the thrift store. There is a load of clothes in the washer, one in the dryer and 3 more loads sorted and ready to go.  I didn't do any of it.  WOW.  I need to channel Dragons calm, assertive energy more often.


Sunday, April 22, 2012

Out with the old

WOW  One thing I hate about moving?  As I am getting rid of STUFF my house begins to look organized and I remember why I liked the house in the first place.  Projects that have been waiting for a better day get done and my house finally looks the way I always knew it would.

It isn't there yet but just one day of work has made a huge improvement.  I moved a big cabinet out of my sewing room and lost a lot of storage room but it looks so much better I don't even care.  The contents of the cabinet are boxed up and ready to go.  Lots to do still.

I am trying not to get overwhelmed.  Fly lady is my friend right now.  I set the timer for 15 minutes and work at one task.  Work fast and get it done.   Figure out what to do next and set the timer again.  Small bits with lots of breaks.  It will get done.

Dragon is off working again.  Yes he has to work on Sundays and holidays too.  Some things just won't wait until Monday morning.  Oh well.  I can get some things done that I couldn't do with him under foot.

Friday, April 20, 2012

JOB

DRAGON HAS A JOB! ! ! !  

Wooo hoo Yippee! ! ! !

Now we have a whole new set of worries.  We need to get ready to MOVE!  Get rid of the junk.  Clean Clean Clean!  De-clutter and get this house ready to sell! ! !   I am a worry bear and scared to death!  Breath.  We can do this.

Together!  With God in the drivers seat we will be just fine!

And we are moving Way south and East!  Closer to family!

Crying now.

I have an early morning and still have things to do.

Breath.  One step at a time.


Thursday, April 19, 2012

The Different Moods of Dragon's Rose

Some times i feel like


but act like


And other times I just feel a little....


Then there are days that I feel like an absolute
  (according to Dragon)


Right now?
I feel like I am going in a hundred different directions.  Dealing with an iffy job situation, a maybe move, Pooh bears very first competition,  a house that is falling apart and more on the todo list than one person can possibly do.

Oh and the chronic headaches that are back again with a vengeance!

And then Dragon  uses the
 

and the
Blue Patent & Black Leather Flogger Whip BDSM Kink Fetish (FLG 104)

And all is right in my world again until the next disaster strikes.  What would I do without a Dragon watching over me?  I am so very happy he is in my life.  I am one lucky girl.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

I have the bestest HOH EVER

Ok Ok.  I know.   I wasn't something big.  Just one of those little things he does that makes me say, "Awww"

I get very painful headaches.  Stabbing, tingling, zig zaging pain on one side of my head and face.  It is different than a migraine.  I can move.  Walking is ok, light doesn't bother it but eating sure does.  Chewing is agony.  Liquids that are too hot or cold.  They have to be room temperature.  Ick...  I know but anything else hurts.  The slight breeze from  the ceiling fan.  Dragon brushing my hair away from my face can send me to my knees.

Zomig helps the migraines but nothing touches this.   And it won't go away.  I can feel the low buzzing in my face almost constantly.  Waiting to roar to life with a full blown headache.  YIKES.  Hate this.  I feel it right now.  I am afraid to pull my pj top over my head.  I don't want to aggravate it this morning.

Last night it was the worst it has been this time around.   After supper I went to bed.  Didn't undress or brush my teeth.  Just curled up in my clothes under the covers.  I heard Dragon come to bed but didn't even look up.  It hurt too much to move.  Then I heard that sound.

The one that tells me he found an ice pack.  One of those instant ones.  He wrapped it in a bandanna and placed it gently on my head.  All I could do was sigh in relief.  A cold pack is one of the few things that helps. He held it in place for a few minutes.  When he let go I lifted my hand to hold it.

When the headache dulled enough, I got up, brushed my teeth and got ready for bed.  I guess the effects of the ice lasted long enough to get my teeth brushed  but not long enough to pull my pj shirt over my head.  Owchie that hurt.  Back to bed and the ice pack.

Dragons pulled me close to him, careful not to touch my head.  I fell asleep in his arms.

No, I don't know what was so sweet about it.  It just was.  He took care of me.  No demands.  It has been so very long since i have had one of these headaches.  I am very happy he remembered ice would help.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Out with the old

One part of getting ready for a move is down sizing.  What to keep and what to get rid of.

First on the block was the toy bag.  All things latex more than 6 months old went first.  The we looked at the toys that we plain out don't like.  Too loud, too much thud and just not right.  Worn out, broken.  Dragon gave me a free hand with down sizing it!  So many owchy things gone!

We have already had round one with books.  They still need a round 2, 3 and 4.  It is hard for me to get rid of books.  With that said, Dragon has promised me a Kindle Fire.  I can't wait!

The project this weekend was the walk in closet!  Oh boy.  What a job.  Dragon finished putting down the new flooring in there yesterday.  Today we got rid of most of our clothes.  Some with the toys.  What was worn out? What is dated?  What hasn't been worn that has no sentimental value?  Wedding dress stays, 1970s dress gone!  All 80s style dresses gone.  Most of the 90s dresses gone.  Shirts with worn collars and stains gone.  All "house" dresses gone.  A few outfits too big and too small stay.  My weight fluctuates quite a bit and so does my size.  Part of the anorexia.  As soon as Dragon lets his guard down, my weight drops like a rock.

The closet is done.  Now I need to move ALL those clothes out to the truck.  Some donate but most go to the dump.  Yuck.  I can't believe how many worn out gross clothes I have kept over the years.    I have already decided what furniture to take with us if we move and what to leave.  I need to take a hard look at the the kids movie collection and my sewing room.  My girls are doing their own rooms.  I may have to send them back several times but that is ok.  My oldest is going to help my son, the baby of the family.  Yes, I'll have to go behind them and get rid of more stuff but that is ok.

Reality is become more and more clear and my stress level is building.  I was doing ok until my sewing machine decided it didn't want to work anymore.  It is an older Bernina.  Still a very nice machine by any standard.  One little screw.  I have my old Kenmore sitting on the kitchen table ready to adjust.  I need to work with it a while before I can confidently finish the competition dress I am working on.  The stitches need to be perfect.  The balance has to be just right.  The with of the stitch and length exact.

The repair projects that have been postponed due to time or money are suddenly a priority.  One thing at a time.

Dragon has an interview for another job next week.  He had 2 promising interviews last week.  We have some breathing room but not much.  Fingers crossed.

And no. DD has not been put aside.  It is in full swing.  Fortunately, a stern look from him is all that he usually needs to bring my back down to earth.  I am very lucky to have him.  When I first met him I thought he was a nerdy cowboy.  Yep, he still is but he is my nerdy cowboy.


In with the new will come latter.  A lot latter. 

Monday, April 9, 2012

of sticks and bears

Who ever thought Dragon getting help for ptsd would affect me so dramatically?  We are talking constantly.  Digging up old wounds that come back to haunt both of us.  Lives we should have been able to save.  What ifs and whys.  The triggers for me have always been there but now, they are stronger than ever.

Watching a movie.  Putting together a puzzle.  A news story.  Him getting help is like poking a sick at a mad bear for both of us.  He turns on the charm, gets cocky and arrogant.  Over compensates.  I get ill tempered and super sensitive to the little irritants of life.

We are both restless at night.  Dragging and tired during the day.  It is good that he is getting help finally but wow.  I didn't realize it would help me too.  It has to get worse before it gets better.  That is what we were told. One step at a time.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Happy Easter!


A cute bunny song in honor of Easter before I go to sleep tonight!

We have a family day planned.  Baskets, breakfast and Bible study in the morning.  In the afternoon and Easter egg hunt, The Lords Supper and the yummiest meal of the year.  To me Easter is more special than Christmas.  It is the day we celebrate the Resurrection of Jesus.  He died so that we may live.  Stupid simple but hard for an adult to understand.

In a little while, after I know my kids are sleeping, I get their baskets ready and arrange them on the couch.  The oldest two get e readers.  $$$  but they have both asked for them.  In one basket is a gift certificate for Build a bear and the final basket for my son has a few small toys and a movie.  Nothing fancy or extravagant. It is what it is.  Flowers basket is a little slim but next month she will get her very own computer and she needs more sports gear before the summer season begins.  She is almost as tall as I am now.  WOW they grow fast.

Easter is commercialized but not nearly as much as Christmas.    There isn't the pressure to spend spend spend.  Yes, you do have the Easter bunny but you have the story of Christ too which you can not separate from the holiday.

Best wishes to my blogging family!  Remember why we celebrate and enjoy your day.

God Bless!

Thursday, April 5, 2012

The Dance

Yes, you know the one.  If you have EVER been really spanked or given a good spanking you know exactly what I am talking about.  It is that energetic wiggle to get away from that stinging paddle!

I can usually be very good for the first few swats.  The 2 or 3 "warm up" swats that come before the main event. When the intensity increases and the tempo turns into a drum roll the dance starts.  If I'm not feeling very energetic it is simply a small wiggle from side to side.  A slight roll of the hips.  Not sure if it is to get away from the paddle or to present my bottom more fully to Dragon.  It is the slow dance.

Now when Dragon moves down to the sit spot and upper thighs....  That is an entirely different story!  The dance turns into something that resembles the tango as I try my very best to avoid the supper sting of every swat.   Turning, rolling over, hands get involved.  My toes inch my body closer to the head board until I can't go any further.

Then it happens.  Dragon gets tired of the fight and throws his leg across mine to hold me down.  This isn't gentile at all.  He puts enough pressure on my legs to hold my protesting body right where he wants it.  His left hand firmly holds my hands together when I reach back to block the swat.

It is quite effective but probably looks kinda funny.  I wouldn't know.  I am left with only one defense that is rather ineffective.  My feet are busy running a marathon!  I know it isn't a comfortable position for me.  I can only imagine what it is like for him.

On the rare occasion the dance falls somewhere in between.  Perhaps more of a moonwalk maybe?  Think high school dance floor during a popular song.  When the wiggle goes from a nice slow love song to a more energetic lively song, his hand firmly holds my knees down.  This is when I find my voice and begin to sing with each and every swat.  Owch, ooooh, watch it, that hurts!  Dragon hands me a pillow and says, "enough of that now."

The dance is a little different every time.  Sometimes fun and other times frustrating for both of us.  Dragon loves my dance.  He says it is cute and that it shows how effective the spanking is.  A tops logic.  As his submissive wife, guess I can't argue with that!



Couldn't resist!  My mom was a huge Elvis fan.  To think of him as a spanko?  hmmm

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Lullaby spanking

A lullaby spanking is one given for the purpose of helping me sleep.  It isn't a very hard spanking.  Just enough to let me know I have been spanked and to give a little sting to the bottom side.

Lately life has been getting in the way of a good nights sleep.  I can go all day, working as happy as can be in my sewing room and then it is time for bed.  As soon as I lay down and close my eyes, the worry bears hit.  Full force too.  I don't understand this.

Before this week a bed time spanking was a lullaby.  It would relax me and allow me the piece to get some sleep.  Not any more.   Last night Dragon spanked me.  Harder than usual.  He concentrated on the sit spot and upper part of my legs.  Owie!  Talk about a sting.  My feet drummed the bed as I struggled to stay still.  His free hand firmly at the back of my knees reminding me not to fight him.

It was a good hard spanking.  Not a punishment but a stress relief I still feel this morning.  And still...  No sleep.

I don't know what I am going to do.  I have to sleep.  I walk around all day in a fog of sleep deprivation.  Blag.  Not even lullaby spankings helps.



Ps.  I changed my blog settings to moderate all.  This allowed me to turn off the word verification.  I don't like those hard to read words but hate spam on my blog even more.  I'm sorry for any inconvenience this has cause but it is the best solution I cold come up with for the issue.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Prayers for Texas

Please pray for the people in the path of the storm in Texas.  This one is nasty.  It has hit Dallas and Forney.  There are cars over turned in the elementary school parking lot.


Pray pray pray!


I have friends and family in the path of this storm!

Monday, April 2, 2012

Dragon Ended It

Last night he did it.  He gave me three swats with the belt.  One was very light.  The next one was firm and hurt very bad but still wasn't hard.  The final swat was the worst.

His tender words of love and gentile hands soothed my mind and body.  Then he said, "no more.  I'll never hit you the belt again.  It is too harsh."  I was shaking and closer to tears than I have ever been from a spanking.  The belt really was too much for both of us.

That is the end of it.  I have nothing to fear from the belt.  Not ever.  He is not brutal like my father and step father.  He doesn't want to fill my body with pain.  His goal is to teach my heart, not hurt my body.  Love my man.

I faced my fear.  That will have to be enough for now.  The sound of his belt sliding threw the loops of his pants still gives me a sick, sinking feeling but maybe in time, that will fade.  I am not afraid of him like I was 18 years ago.  Those rare times he yells at me, I yell right back.  I don't cringe and duck.  I learned that he will not punch me.  He will not hurt me.  The only reason we use DD is because I brought it to our relationship.  I did it.  Not him.

I hope I never have to find out what I would do without him.