Monday, July 31, 2017

Life With a Veteran

When they are active duty, you are afraid he will give his life to save a stranger.  You are afraid he won't come home.  After he retires you have another worry.


21 U.S. veterans die every day by their own hands.  The scars of war and service are too much.

So you can understand why I cried when I watched this video.  I watched the Facebook version without the commentary from the reporter.

Yes, it is old. But this is the first time I have seen it.

A little personal background to understand my conversation with Dragon after I watched the video.  He was a military firefighter and an EMT. He saw things so bad that he refuses to tell me about them.

No, the story wasn't about a suicide but that is the worry now.

My threat, crying.  Sloppy crying too!  Red nose, snot.  All of it.  "If you suicide I'm going to donate you eyes, cremate your body and use the urn as a stand for my cactus."

Dragon:  I'll definitely take that under advisement.

Why is this an effective threat?  Some of the body hauls he did as a medic were done after organ harvesting.  Not a pretty sight.  The eyes were the worst.  He treated several people who were so badly burned that they no longer even resembled people.  And he just hates prickly pear cactus.

What does this have to do with the video?  Losing my Dragon is my greatest fear.  I have lived with it our entire marriage.  Before he retired I was afraid he would die in the line of duty.  Now PTSD and suicide top the list.  The VA is useless. I pray that the care of our veterans is privatized.  Then maybe the suicides will decrease.

Sorry.  Fragmented I know.  I could make this sound better and read like a professional article but that would take several rewrites. I can't do that. Not with this topic.  The tears.  The escort.  The grief.  Yep.  It got to me.  They give so much.  The military is more than a job.  It is a way of life.  A world view that the rest of us just can't understand.

Friday, July 28, 2017

The Mom Cave

No it isn't a girly froo-froo place.  It is an area of our unfinished garage that is separate from the rest by tarp walls.  I stapled plastic over the wall framing and ceiling to help keep the weather out and my AC or heat in.  When that wasn't enough protection I started stapling my targets from the gun range over the walls. The floors are covered with squishy workout tiles and the edges of the room are lined with enough workout equipment to make Planet Fitness look like a wimp.

The largest TV we own sits on an old work bench with a selection of my favorite movies and workout videos stacked to the side.  Placed at random along the wall are sticky traps for the mouse, bug, spider or snake that occasionally sneaks in.

Not the average Girl cave but it is my space.  I even have a punching bag for those times that teenagers or my veteran husband drive me nuts.  It works for me and I share my space with anyone who needs it.

Dragon works in his shop every evening for about an hour, then calls me in for our date time.  We watch marvel tv series or anything else that catches our eye.  It is our time.  No kids. No cell phones.  Just us.

Yep.  I thought I was grounded until my foot got better.  Guess not.  After we watched an episode of Sheild I turned the TV off and he picked up the walnut paddle.  It is his current favorite.  I placed myself across the sit up bench and he barred my bottom.  (Did I mention that The Cave doubles as a play space?  Workout equipment is very easy to pervert.)

The paddling was very mild but he hasn't given me a good spanking since he bruised my sit spot with his belt.  Even the hardest swats were light.  I got up feeling much better with just a light sting that faded before we made it back inside.

Slow and easy.  He knows just what I need.  And it isn't always what I want.  Love my man.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Dominance Games

Every morning I get up at 5:00 to make Dragon's breakfast and pack his lunch.  Nothing fancy.  It is the same every day.  I wait for the shower to start and set the timer.  I have my routine timed perfectly.  By the time Dragon is putting on his shoes, I put his plate on the table and zip his lunch box.

He eats, we say a prayer together and he walks out the door for work.  Simple

This morning, after prayers, he grabbed my hands.  His grip was firm.  No getting away.  With a smile, he let go and left.  My foot needs to hurry up and heal!  I want to play

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

What a Week

I am very happy last week is over.  It was a wild one.  I didn't even manage to get spanked.  Not one time!  Always somewhere we needed to be.

Sunday was so busy I didn't even take care of me.  I woke up knowing it was going to be a long day.  We had a death in the family and needed to check on her husband and son.  Walking down the hall to the kitchen I felt something weird in my foot and down I went.  One of my sweet English Mastiffs caught me before I hit the floor.

I made it as far as the kitchen table and sat down. No coffee for me until someone else got up.  Every time I put pressure on my foot PAIN!  After breakfast Dragon taped my foot and one of my daughters helped me put on my shoe.  The tape made walking bearable.

Today is Tuesday and I have my foot propped up and iced.  I probably didn't help it any by ignoring it Sunday but I did what I had to do.

My guess is a stress fracture or a deep bruise for some unknown reason.  If I went to the doctor I would have a prescription I'm allergic to and orders to stay off of it as much as possible.  I may get a walking boot but probably not with my insurance.  Why bother. Either way it will be better soon.  Just no fun.

I can get around the house okay.  As long as I don't try to run a marathon or ride in the car all day again, I'll be fine.

Until I can walk without a limp, no funishments.  Blah.
No maintenance
No fun kinky play.
But I guarantee that punishment is still on the table.
Probably something that doesn't involve the paddle or belt.
Dragon is no fun

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Fabric Snob

Yep.  That's me.

My mother in law wants her kids, the grand kids and great grand kids color coded for an event in the fall.  Our color is green.  We can choose different blouses and shirts but they need to be green.

Challenge accepted.

First stop was the local mall and a few of my favorite stores.  Lots of blue, red  and white but not much green.

There are 8 of us that need to be green.  So far I found one blouse.  It's a start.

Why does Dragon call me a fabric snob?  I love high quality, natural fabrics.  Wool, silk, cotton and linen.  That's about it.  Man made fabrics feel nasty.

We were in one of my favorite boutiques.  Dragon watched me stand still a pet a blouse for almost 5 minutes.  I checked out the stitching, quality of the fabric and construction technique.

He had to laugh.  Not once did I wipe my hands on my cotton blouse.  He said that it looks like linen and since I didn't swipe my hands once, it must be.

I had to see if he was right.

Yep.  100% linen.

Figure that.  To bad it was white and not green.  I was broken hearted when I had to leave without it.  I love wearing white.

Friday, July 14, 2017


I felt a little frisky.  It was well past midnight but Dragon didn't have to work the next day.  All is good.


Nope.  I just figured out another problem with this pause thing.

Moisture or should I say a lack of it?

I'm learning.

Sneezing leaks.  Check

Hot flashes. Check

Problems sleeping.  Check

Mood swings. Check

Dry.  Check

I haven't had this problem since breastfeeding.

It is inconvenient but nothing I haven't had to deal with before.

I just hope this stage doesn't last long.

Putting up with all this crap and a super heavy monthly is miserable.

Monday, July 10, 2017

Every Single Night

I must be going insane.

Every single night I go to bed exhausted from my day. I lay down with sweet dreams already forming.

Then it happens.

My feet get restless and my heart races.  I'm not nervous or worried about anything.  Life is good right now. It isn't a panic attack or anything else I understand.

Finally, the sleepies strike again and I lay down full of hope.  And I'm off to dream land.

Just kidding.

In my cool bedroom I pop back up burning hot.  It feels like I am standing on top of a sand dune mid August in Idaho.  113* plus heat index.  Nothing works to cool my burning skin.  A cool wish cloth.  A fresh glass of ice water.  Stripping naked.

Nothing helps.

Then the heart burn hits.

You have got to be kidding me!

Is this what getting older feels like?

If anyone else was still awake in my house I would scream at them just to get rid of some of the frustration.

The joke isn't funny.  It is miserable.

Friday, July 7, 2017

The Appellate Process

Any relationship that includes domestic discipline can get intense.  Yes, there are many advantages but communication has to flow in both directions.  We started the appellate process with our children.  Instead of laying down the law they have one last chance to give us information we did not previously have. It is our way to make sure our decisions are fair.

It works the same between us.  Dragon tells me why I am being punished and I have three choices
1.  Immediately submit
2.  Call for a time out that lets both of us calm down
3.  Appeal his decision.

In our house punishment happens immediately or not at all.  One of my appeals was on a date night.  We had tickets to the symphony.  It wasn't fair to go with a tear streaked face and it wasn't fair to make us both worry about it all evening.  I got a pass for the night.

Sometimes my appeals are shot down.  I dropped a dirty word in a very put place.  I tried it.  I made excuse after excuse but I knew I had earned a barn burner.  That is just what I got.  I didn't sit down for days.  Cussing is not lady like.  It was our very first rule.

The first time Dragon punished me for forget my seatbelt was on a snowy day in Idaho.  I argued that it isn't a rule.  I lost that argument.  First, it is the law.  Second, I agreed to the 4 Ds.  Seat belt use falls under dangerous.  I ended up with a very sore bottom and I didn't forget my seatbelt again for a very long time.

I have even called one punishment unjustified all together until I sat in time out with a very sore bottom.  I got frustrated with my Dragon.  I snapped at him, refused to listen and slammed the bedroom door.  After that spanking we added the cooling off period.  During the spanking I stayed defiant but after some time to think, I was in tears.   Dragon was ready with a hug and forgiveness.

This lifestyle isn't always easy.  I promise you, laying across his lap for a punishment is one of the hardest things I have ever done.  Barring my bottom and accepting the consequences for my actions.  Just doing that much is almost punishment enough.  Knowing that I do have some choices helps.  We didn't begin DD to save our marriage.  Starting something like this when trust is shaky is probably not a good idea.  We brought DD into who we are because we don't ever want to get that close to divorce again.

Thursday, July 6, 2017


We use safe words.  We use them for a reason.

I needed our weekly session.  I needed to feel it tomorrow.  And he knows it.

Light swats with the paddle. It was a stingy warm-up.  Then the belt.

All is good in my little world.

He went back to the paddle and it happened.


A swat landed harder than expected.  Right on the sit spot.

I was done

No guilt

No anger

No fear

It happens

He respects my boundaries.  It's why TTWD works.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Happy Independence Day!

While you grill and feed the masses.  When you set off your fireworks and drink your beer, remember why we celebrate.

Freedom is not free.

We bought a few sparkles and smoke bombs for the kids to enjoy.  And I'm sure I will enjoy the fireworks caused by the paddle connecting to my backside.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

No Fun for Us

Independence week is hard for both of us for different reasons.  Some years we almost celebrate like a normal family.  Not this year.  Nope.

Dragon's PTSD is bad.  The sounds of the fire works, the smell of burning gunpowder and grills.  We celebrate the 4th with fire works to mimic the bombs and gun fire of a long ago war.  The sounds of war haven't changed that much.  A mortar round is still a mortar.  For Dragon, he is back in Afghanistan.  He isn't here with us.  He is far away reliving a nightmare I can't even imagine.

And let's add to the problem.  Because he has permanent damage from larium toxicity, the drugs used to treat PTSD don't work for him.  I have learned how to help him by changing his diet.  Absolutely NO MSG for one.  And I've added foods that are rich in the amino acids his brain needs to produce hormones.  I have done a lot of reserves trying to find anything to help.  Tremors, mood swings that make pregnant ladies look calm, panic attacks and flash backs.  The diet changes really help but every few months everything stops working.  Life becomes hell while his body re-sets.  Next week I'll reintroduce the foods that help and in a few days he will be back to normal.

But that doesn't help either of us this week.  Nothing we haven't done before.  Situation normal for a house with a combat vet.  FUBAR.  F@#$ed Beyond All Recognition.

This to shall pass.  We will both feel better after this holiday neither one of us feel much like celebrating.

Independence Day

As we celebrate our freedom this fine holiday, remember that freedom is never free.  Someone had to pay the ultimate price.

I'm not sure the video is going to work but it is Trace Atkins singing Arlington