Friday, March 30, 2012

The Belt

The Belt holds a special kind of fear for me.  The sound of leather hitting leather was a sound of dread and fear when I was a little girl.  Absolute terror is the only word I can think to describe how I felt about the Belt.  Even now, 20 years after my father and step father passed away, it still holds the same fear.  I won't even wear a belt.  I won't allow my children to be disciplined with one and get very upset when I hear of a child spanked with one.

I know of only one way to get past a fear as deeply seated as this one.

Face it!  Head on!

I just told Dragon that I want to face my fear of this dreaded implement.  It is time to move past fear.  Now I get to wait and see what he does with it.  My stories have inspired him to spank more often.  I see that "man sneer" on his face more.  Maybe I should add a chapter to the story about an imaginary belt spanking.  Hmmm.  Wonder if that would inspire him to action.

Oh well.  My bottom is bruised for now.  No fun action until it is all healed.  He will punish a bruised bottom but not spank for fun.  I don't want leather butt.  Not very attractive or spankable.

Yep, I think my next "What If" story will be about a belt spanking.

What if? Part 2

Ps.  I wrote this with a sore bottom.  Dragon spanked me two days in a row!  For the first time in a VERY long time, my bottom is bruised.  Every time I move I can almost feel his hand on my backside.  love this.  I think my writing adventure has inspired my Dragon!  The spankings he gave me over the past two days are a lot like the one I described here.  Guess that is where my inspiration came from.  That and my poor sore backside.

“F#$% a duck!”  My sewing needle slipped and poked my finger.  A single drop of blood fell on to the pristine white silk .

I heard Anna gasp.  Dragons mouth tightens into a flat line.  Oh no.   I said THAT word again.  The third time in three days.    I put a bandaid over the small pinprick and continued to sew.   I wasn’t sure how to react.  Jake had been uncomfortable around me all day.  What had Anna told him?  What had Dragon told him?  They both knew I was going to get spanked and the worst part was, I knew it too.

The sewing room was so quiet.    The tension kept building.  My hands were shaking and I was nearly in tears already.  Dragon and Jake left to get the grill started.  It was Memorial day and we were making a day of it.  It was supposed to be a day of fun, relaxation and friendship.

So much for our fun day….  I had ruined it.

“He knows, doesn’t he?” I asked Anna.

“Yes, Dragon told him about DD the same day you told me.  We both wanted to know your secret.”  She said this with a very red face.  “I didn’t know how awkward this would be.  I know you are going to get spanked and my heart is breaking for you.  We have decided to try DD and I am so afraid.  I don’t know what to expect.  Jake is going to spank me at some point and it is going to hurt.  I don’t know what I want right now.  I just want it over with.”

“You know, we started out with fun spankings and we have stress relief sessions once or twice a week to keep us both on track.  It is going to be hard at first.  And I’ll tell you now, taking a punishment doesn’t get any easier.”  Slowly I began to calm down a little, more for her sake than mine.  I deserved the spanking I knew was coming and it was going to be a barn burner.  Three times in three days.  Dragon was going to make it count and I knew it.

I went back to my sewing.  That lace wasn’t going to attach itself to the hem of this elaborate dress.  So intent on the dress that I didn’t even notice when Anna left the room.  Sewing away in the quiet of my little room I began to accept the punishment that was to come.  I had to get my head around yet another punishment.  Dragon came in the room and sat on the stool by the cutting table.

“Jake is very interested in DD.  He has called me twice a day for the last few weeks asking questions.  They have decided to try it out.”  Ah, that explains why he has been so uncomfortable around me all day.  I understand now.  Silently, I waited for Dragon to continue.  “I told him about our routine for a punishment but he still isn’t sure how it would work.  He has asked to witness your punishment.  How would you feel about that?”

Shocked?  My heart dropped and my hands began to shake again.  “I haven’t thought about that before.” I stammered.  “What made him think to ask?”

“He knows our rules.  He knows you broke a major rule by cussing and he knows that I will punish you for it today.  He thought it would be mean to wait and was curious.   All you have to do is say no and I’ll sent them to the store after some club soda.  I’m not going to make you wait all day.  This was supposed to be a fun day together and I won’t let this ruin our day.”

“But even if they go to the store, they will still know.”


“All right.  They can watch.  Lets get this done.”  I got up from my work chair and walked calmly to the master bedroom.  I knelt on the floor in front of the chair placed in the center of the room and waited.

Dragon followed me several minutes latter with both Jake and Anna.  He motioned for the two of them to sit on the bed, picked up the paddle and sat in the chair.  “Jake, you have a few questions for Rose.  This is your opportunity to ask.”

Jake’s hands were shaking and so was his voice.  He had that look on his face that I hate.  You know the one.  The half smile, half sneer.  He took a beep breath and began.  “Rose, you are here by your own choice?”

“yes sir”

“You have given your full consent to be punished for cussing and for the punishment to be carried out with witnesses?”

“yes sir, I asked for DD.  This is what I want even though I know it won’t feel good.  It is for the good of our marriage.  It makes our marriage stronger.”

Jake hesitated for a moment, “I see that it has but I still wonder.”

“Jake, I have my safe words.  I can use then at any time to stop the spanking without any future consequences.  Dragon would never hurt me.  It’s ok.  I’ll be ok.  This is going to be one of the worst spankings I have ever had.  Prepare yourself.  You can leave if you feel uncomfortable.”

“Are you satisfied, Jake?”  Jake nodded and Dragon continued.  “I need both of you to remain silent.  I will give you both opportunities to question her during the spanking and after.  Please wait until you are invited.  Now we begin.”

“Rose, do you know that I would never hurt you?”

I nod, my eyes focused on the floor.

“What are your safe words?”

“Red, yellow, green and Blue.”

“You can use them at any time during the spanking.   You broke the same rule three days in a row.  That is unacceptable.  The spankings you received Thursday and Friday weren’t enough to get the point across.  You need a spanking you will remember for a while.  You are going to feel this one for a few days.  Do you understand?”

“Yes Sir”

He turned to Jake and Anna one more time before the spanking began.  “Normally, I would have her remove her panties, even a thong but because you are here I will allow her to keep them today.  The thong she is wearing will allow me all the access I need to her bare bottom but leave her modestly intact.”

Dragon motioned for me to come to him.  I got up and placed myself across his lap.  He lifted my dress to expose my bottom and began is lecture.  “I will not have my southern bell cussing like trailer trash, you how to behave and I expect you to keep a clean mouth.  There is no reason for you to ever use that word.”

The first five swats were with his had.  Stingy but not bad and then he began with the paddle.  As he spanked me, he explained to our observers that this was a warm up to help minimize bruising.  For most punishments a warm up is not necessary.    Five to ten firm swats and it was usually over but today was different.  This was a repeated offence and the normal punishment wasn’t effective.

The tempo and force of the swats increased when he switched to the cherry paddle.  I jumped with every impact.  It was getting hard to stay still but I didn’t want to look like a spoiled child in front of our guests.   I bit my lip stubbornly, clenched my fists and stayed still.  I lost count of the swats as my bottom warmed.

Finally he stopped for a moment to rub away the pain of my throbbing back side.  Tears stung my eyes but did not fall.  Shaking with the spike of endorphins.  Dragon explained to our captivated audience that he was nearly done.  He described what my body was doing and the signs that show submission.  I slowly began to relax under his gentile hand.

But it wasn’t over yet.

He picked up the paddle one more time.  “The next five swats will hurt really bad.  They will come hard and fast, then it will be over.  Are you ready?”

I grabbed the chair legs and prepared for the swats to fall.  I knew  these would be the worst part of the entire spanking and I braced myself to receive them.  Finally I nodded my head and quietly whispered, “ready.”

The first swat fell with a brutal sting.  I almost managed to stay in place.  The second swat was delivered with equal force and my body twisted, trying to escape the pain.  Two more fell in quick succession before he had to reposition my body.   And finally the last blow hit my tender bottom.  I yelped but Dragon had a firm grip on my body and held me in place.

He gently rubbed lotion into the flaming hot skin.  He pointed out the spots that were likely to bruise.  I didn’t escape unmarked.  Not this time.   He pushed my legs slightly apart and to my humiliation, pointed out my damp panties.  As he rubbed, he talked to them about after care and what a spanking does to me emotionally.  The stages I would go through in the next few hours and what to watch for.

I tuned it all out.  His hands felt like heaven on my super heated bottom.  A few moments to pull myself back together and enjoy our closeness.  Dragon pulled my dress back down over my bottom and helped me to my feet.  His strong hands holding me steady.

“Those coals should be ready for the ribs.  Let’s give her some time to pull herself back together and get dinner going.”  The three of them left me alone in my misery.  I felt more humiliated than I ever have in my entire life.  One thing I knew for sure!  I would NEVER use the F bomb again!

To be continued.....

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

What if? part 1

ps  After Dragon read this, he took me and paddled my butt.  Total HOH space!  Maybe I should write more often!

First, you need to understand that I am not a writer.  I put my thoughts on paper for purely selfish reasons.  To help me find my own way in life.  My lifestyle is very different from how I grew up.  I am in uncharted territory.  The fantasies I share with Dragon help us open up to each other.  They help me navigate  new situations I may find myself in.

This story is a good example of one of the stories.  What if I had a friend I wanted to share our DD life style with?  Would that be ok?  Can I do it?  Would she judge me?  Would you approve?  This story has to come first in the What If.   Some of the other stories I will share are based off of this one.  This isn't a sexy story.  But it is one I shared with Dragon.

What if?

Anna sipped her hot tea.  We were both tired.  She asked me to help her with a sewing project.  Easter was only a few days away and her sewing machine died.  She spent hours sitting at my machine working furiously, while I placed delicate embroidery stitches on the bodice of the tiny baby dress.

She took a bite of her freshly bakes cinnamon bun.  I could tell she wanted to ask me a question.  “How do you do it?   You two have been married for so long and you don’t fight.  You act like newly weds.  Kissing and making out like teenagers.  How?”

She has already had my lecture about how to have a  lasting marriage.  It is stupid simple.  So simple that most people miss it.  Your husband should be your best friend.  When you want to go out and do something fun, he should be the first person you think of.  That isn’t a secret.  She knows that part already.  How do I share TTWD with her, without getting Dragon arrested or me in a mental institution?  Yikes.

And so I began.  First with the Bible open and turned to the pages that paint a picture of what marriage should be.   She has heard it all before and starts tuning me out.  Anna is Christian but thinks that is a bunch of bull.

“Anna, you asked me how we do it.  I am trying to tell you but it has to be done one step at a time.  If I try to take it out of order you won’t understand.   It starts with your husband as Head of Household and with you willing submitting to him.”

“Ok,” she said.  “I understand that part.  We talked about it in Sunday school and your husband has shared those verses with Jake.  What about it makes your marriage so much better than mine?  Get to the point already.”

“You asked for it.”  I felt like I was getting ready to dive into the deep end of the pool.  Hoping I remembered how to swim, I took a beep breath and dove in.

Deep breath.  In, out, in, out….   Here goes nothing.

“Do you know what Domestic Discipline is?”

She wasn’t so sure of herself now. “No, what is that?”

I squirmed uncomfortable in my chair as I began.  “You see, Dragon was already HoH and I was already submissive to him.  But I picked up a bad habit that drove both of us nuts.  While he was on a trip a few years ago I started using the F bomb.  I HATE that word.  Don’t know why I started using it but I did.  No matter how hard I tried I kept catching my self using it.  It is a filthy word.”

Anna couldn’t believe I would EVER use that word.  To be honest, I couldn’t  believe I did it either.  Cussing is so out of character for me.  I looked over at her wide eyed stare.  She thought I was nuts.   But I continued anyway.  She wanted to know and I was tired of hiding my secret.

“I got tired of it and asked for his help.  We sat down to talked about my new habit and I asked him to punish me whenever I let it slip out.  He hated my dirty mouth enough that he agreed.   It worked like a charm.  I slipped up an few times but he let me off with a warning.  I just needed a little motivation to quit.  That bad habit was gone in no time.  Now I have a few rules I am supposed to follow.  More like guidelines because they aren’t hard and fast rules.  There are shades of gray.  When I break one of those rules,  he punishes me.”

Her eyes got really big.  I knew our friendship was over.  She was going to run screaming from the house, never to return.


Wrong.  Oh boy was I ever wrong.

“Punishment?  Really?”  She said those words with sincere interest.  “How does he punish you?”

“He spanks me.  Pulls down my pants and panties, takes out his paddle and spanks my butt.”

Anna had enough to think about for one day.  We ended our discussion there and finished the baby dress we were working on.

to be continued

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Share fantasy time? Maybe?

Same old Same....  This blog is in a rut!  (there is a question at the end, you may want to skip the boring part)

Dragon has another interview to set up.  My hopes aren't very high for this one either.  Who knows what God has in mind for us.   I sure don't.  Wishing he would share his plan.  Dragon is getting ready to apply for delivery jobs, vending, Walmart.

Still taking it one day, one hour, one second at a time.  Faith, Hope, Love and Commitment hold this family together.

Like i said, same old rut.  DD and all things lifestyle have taken a back seat.  Real life is on our mind.  Things beyond our relationship.   Things like "how do the bills get payed if..." and "how do you kick a reluctant chick out of the nest?"  Oh the kinky part is still around and you better believe Dragon will still punish me when needed.  But... why does there have to be a but?  It isn't something we really focus on.  It is what it is.  TTWD

Yep.   Life.....

Hopefully, in a few months, this blog will transform.  Hopefully it won't go back to what it was but remake its self again.  I started out writing about our TTWD journey.  This was my outlet.  Then it became a place to simply hold myself together as my house of cards scattered in the wind.  Now we have been dealt a new hand in this game of life.  Our cards are face down on the table.

it isn't time to turn the cards over.  Not yet....

Hopefully this blog becomes a place to celebrate our new lives.  Learn to live a different way and fully embrace TTWD.    Stories of my submission, good girl spankings and to my shame, punishment.  Yes, I know you want to read about punishment but there aren't any right now to write about.  We are both too aware of our stress levels right now and neither of us are willing to push the buttons that hard.

Hmmmm......   maybe......

Something we share is fantasy time.  It is how he turns my mind to a more intimate  place.  My sex drive is a crock pot to his frying pan.  Story time gets my head where he wants it and turns the crock pot on high.  It is a place of what if. What if I had a girl friend.  How would she fit into our relationship?  What if we knew another DD couple in real life.  What if he had Dragon's permission to punish me?  What if someone else witnessed a punishment?  Would I finally cry?  What would it  take to make the tears fall?

Should I share fantasy time with my blog land readers?

Still thinking about it.....  maybe...  I am open to ideas....   Gotta get out of this RUT!

Saturday, March 24, 2012

His Tool of Choice

Right now, it is the flogger.  I'm ok with that.  I am better than ok with that.  For our weekly stress relief I get a pleasant rain of leather across my back.  It does get hard to take at times.  I have to stay very still for the floggers.  He really gets them moving and can't always pull back if I wiggle out of place.

The floggers don't have the same dread the paddles do.  They have never been used for discipline.  They are never used for punishment.  Only for pleasure.  The point is re-connection not more stress between the two of us.  It works.  Some might call it BDSM but I call bull on that.  It is simply us, reaffirming our roles and letting off some steam from a stressful week.  It helps us get ready to face a new week.

No job yet.  Haven't heard back from several promising interviews and we have had several negative replies.  I understand.  It is a tuff job market right now.  Age matters in his line of work and no one wants to hire someone so close to mandatory retirement.  Blag.  I thought the days of age discrimination were behind us.  Guess not.  He checks his job search engine several times a day and adds more applications as positions open.

I can't motivate myself to get the house ready for another move.  With so many unknowns i don't know where to start.  I have a sewing room full of projects with dead lines.  That is a very good thing.  It gives my hands and mind something productive to do.

One day at a time.  One hour, one minute, one second.  

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Thought for the Day

Inspired by Florida Dom

Why are the only women you see nude at life style parties usually older?  Their skin isn't smooth.  They don't have the body of a super model.  Bellies show evidence of child birth and breasts sag as much as the belly.

Good question?

I know why.  It is a secret that usually only mature women know.

Shhh don't tell!

Love the skin you are in.  Women come in all shapes and sizes.  We are all beautiful in some way.  Although everyone may not think my body is beautiful, the mature men, the men who what a real woman is, think i am sexy.  The love of my life, my Dragon, admires my body and loves me.

When you feel confident, it shows.  Walk tall and wear you Walmart clothes with style!  It is all in the attitude not in the name brand on the tag or the size of your body!  Have fun and enjoy life.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Another Birthday

This year I turned 40! ! !   It isn't a number I am embarrassed of.  I am proud of my age.  So may people don't have 40 birthdays to celebrate!  Ok, celebrate is too strong of a word to use.  The day passed with many greetings.  About 65 on face book, a call from my mom and hugs from my family.  No big party, just another day.  Perfect!

It felt like any other day.  School work, sewing, house cleaning and teenage drama.  Errands and cooking.  That suits me just fine.  I don't like a lot of fuss made over anything.  I'm not the center of attention.  The chair over in a quiet corner of the room is my spot.

Dragon fixed his special recipe fried chicken and I had a huge all the fixins salad.  Yummy!  This weekend we are going to make a carrot cake and put whatever kind of candle we can find on it.  It will make the kids smile and I love home made carrot cake.

Had a Ho Hum week....  Until tonight.  Dragon decided that I really did need a birthday spanking this year.


The floggers came out and he started his pre impact speech.

You know I love you?  Love you
You know I would never hurt you?  yes, I trust you
What are your colors? green
Are you hurting too much for this tonight?  I'm fine

And it begins.  He always starts with the light doe flogger.  Gentile rain across my shoulders.  He took a little extra time to make sure my skin was good and warm.  Then he moved to the narrow stingy cow hide.  He wasn't so gentile with this one but I had no problem staying in position.  It relaxed me in a way nothing else does.  He used the elk briefly but I can't take much of the thud.  It knocks my breath out.  an asthma attack is a mood killer!  

When he was done my back felt raw.  Positively wonderful.  No hint of punishment or TTWD to it.  I think we may finally be finding our own balance with this life style.  The pleasure is slowly coming back to impact play but punishment still holds a healthy fear in my mind.  We are at a good place right now in our relationship.  It isn't without problems but we are talking, communicating and working them out.

The stress is far from over.  Dragons still hasn't found a job.  Our life will be turned upside down in a matter a few months.  Tempers are short and we are all feeling the stress.  Threw all of this, I can see God at work.  I see his hand in everything.  It is comforting.  Our faith brings a piece that would be have without it.  Prayer is comforting and so is knowing that my Dragon is HOH.  I am not alone in this.  First i have my higher power, my Dragon and then the rest of my family.  

One day, one hour, one minuet, one second at a time.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

fingers crossed

The weather has warmed up and Dragon is cleaning in the garage.  Fingers crossed for an OTK in the garage.  We don't have to worry as much about noise out there.  He turns on this compressor and that is loud enough to mask any noise.

I am in need of a good OTK spanking

Getting worried now.  He went out of his way to show me that the chair used for OTK is again accessible and the paddle is sitting within easy reach.   I want it.  I need it but do I?  Spanking hurts.  What kind of crazy person  wants this.  Sigh.  Too late now.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

My Favorite Spanking Position

This has been a question commonly asked by men on line.  It is one of the first questions asked.  Hmmm.  Really?  I don't know you.  Just told you I am married and a conservative christian and you are going to ask me that?

I admit, I'm not surprised by the question anymore.  These men are disappointed.  I don't answer it for them.  I cut the poor men off at their literary heels.  Poor things.

I have decided to answer that question here.  In my own little corner of blog land I am going to answer the question that is on the mind of every man who finds out I am a spanko.

My favorite position for a strait out spanking of any kind is OTK.  Wheather it is for punishment or pleasure.  Being in that most vulnerable position puts me in a more submissive state of mind from the very beginning.   Naked or with my pants and panties lowered just below the sit spot.  My favorite implement is a wooden paddle.  Walnut is the current favorite but that does change.

For flogging I enjoy several positions.   Tied to a Saint Andrews cross, restrained under a suspension beam, laying down on a bed, standing against a wall or laying across a spanking bench.  I have three floggers I like and several others that usually sit to the side.  A soft doe leather that is good for a warm up.  A thicker elk hide that has a good thud to it.  And the snake is thud and sting.  It leaves the tiger stripes.  The silky rope flogger sits to the side most of the time.  The small black rubber flogger is used for more delicate places.  The rawhide key chain flogger was a good starter toy but doesn't do much for me now.  The horse hair flogger hasn't been finished yet.  I keep forgetting about the tail and remains rubber banded together in my naughty craft box.  The loopy Johnny make out of auto vacuum hose was too much and is now filed under G.  That is  G for Garbage!

Friday, March 9, 2012

Out of the mouths of children

My Flower came to me today, concerned and rightly so.

"Mommy, how will I recognize Mam-maw and Pap-paw.  I don't remember them."

Those words broke my heart.  The distance between my family and my in-laws is not my doing.  She doesn't like me and never has.  From the very first meeting, I couldn't do anything right in M's eyes.  You see, she plays favorites.  And my husband never was her "favorite".  So I was doomed before we ever met.  She has a list of grievances against my husband that go back his entire 39 year life span.  Thankfully, she has only been keeping a list on me for a 19 years.

She loves to bring up things that happened years ago.  Things that are over with and forgotten.  Things that we thought were over and done with.  Nope.  She is keeping a list and pulls it out when she feels slighted.  She flies all over the place visiting her other grandchildren and kids.  Yet she refuses our invitations.   We have given up inviting her to our home.

Flower is 12 now.  She was 4 the last time she saw her grandmother.

Can you imagine how the rest of that conversation went?  Here is my response and what I remember of our conversation.

Your grandmother doesn't like me very much and that is ok.  You can't expect everyone you meet in your lifetime to like you.  Sometimes there are things about other people that you have to learn how to accept and keep on loving them anyway.  This is one of those things.  It is a part of who she is.

But that isn't a reason for me to be unkind to her.
(my jaw dropped to my chest.  WOW! ! !   I was getting to that part but she got there first!)

I expect you to be kind to her.  After all she is your grand mother.

Does she love me?

I don't know baby girl.  She doesn't know us.  But I am sure that she does.  (hope so anyway)  Don't forget how her behavior makes you feel.  And try your very best to never make anyone feel that way.  Even if she is mean to mommy or daddy you still have to be nice to her.  It doesn't matter how other people treat you.  You  should always show kindness.

I know Mommy.

I don't think I could have handled this any differently.  The kids know what is going on.  They see M traveling all over the country visiting her other grand children.  They know when I "fake" a gift from M under the tree.  What else can I do?  I won't lie to the kids but I don't want to turn them against their grandparents either.

I was honest, to the point and as kind as I could possible be in the situation.  Don't know...

Before we could make arrangements for them to have a room in our house, a cabin at the lake or condo, they reserved a room.   My mother sleeps on the couch when she visits or I give up my bed.

The kids will see.  They will know.  But they will also see by my actions that it is ok.  They will see her rudeness and my kindness in response.  I will act like the lady I was raised to be and I expect my children to do the same.  and secretly, in my imagination, I will be pulling her hair out by the roots

I am so proud of my children.  And M's son that she doesn't want anything to do with?  I think he was a fine catch.  I am happy he is mine.  makes me want to kick her teeth in every time she says something mean to him.  

It is time for me to put on my sugar sweet southern bell hat.  Put that whang in my accent that I drop up here close to the Canadian border and remember how I was raised!  I can cuss you out and you will say thank you.  Insult you and make it sound like a compliment.  Past on a fake southern sweet tea smile and you will never know that it would me greatest pleasure to kick you in the teeth.  I will act like a lady and let her embarrass herself.  The people that are attending the ceremony in a few months know me and my husband.  They respect both of us.  If she acts out of line, I won't have to lift a finger or say a word.  There will be plenty of men there to take care of any problems she may cause.


Ok.  I don't do Friday Fail normally but this I couldn't resist.  Not sure how big of a fail this is.

As a spanko and an admirer of the female posterior I love it.  However the maternal side of me says .....  FAIL! ! !   Imagine me trying to cover the eyes of all four of my children.  At a stately 10 years old, I don't think anything would succeed in pulling my sons eyes away from this giant posterior.

To give credit where credit is due.  I pulled this off of a face book page called Rev. Doc

Friday, March 2, 2012

Hey Dude! ! !


That was disrespectful and I deserve a P.

Hey, I was being lazy and made up a lame excuse.  Call me on it! ! !

Umm..... Dragon, what I did just now?  That was really dangerous.

Are you going to let me get away with that?  Really?  WOW.... ok then.

Dragon,that really wasn't your fault.  I was being a bitch and played the blame game on you.

Still trying to understand all this stress stuff.  I'm still trying to be helpful but I don't know how to cope with change.  Isn't it strange?  When I need him the most, he needs me too.  We both need what the other is unable to give.  I need him pulling me back from the void.  He needs me to keep the house running smooth while he rides out the storm of job hunting.

He is in the boat without a paddle and I am over board floundering in the huge tsunami waves of life.

He is trying to shield me from this.  To protect me and make it easy.

Is that really what I need?  I know I should probably trust him but I have to think, "hey girl, you can do better than this."

If he cracked down on me the way "I" think he should, I would probably hide under the bed.

And WHEN am I supposed to have this TALK with him?  He took one of the kids out on a daddy date tonight.  I get a girl date with pooh sometime soon.  She wants to try on dresses.  (do you know how hard it is to find a cute size 2 anything?)  Not ever sure I should talk to Dragon about this right now.  He has had two phone interviews and few more applications go to stage 2.  Not sure what that means but ok.

His boat is about to be swamped and I am already in over my head.  Can someone please throw me a life saver?


Update!  He is home now and I shared my post with him.  I was afraid of trying to say it out loud.  More excuses.  This way he knows what is on my mind without the whine.   No idea what he is going to do with this .  I'll have to wait and see.