Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Meeting the Dragon

So I finally got it out.
My history.
What makes me seem a little strange to people who don‘t know. Why it is so hard to make friends.
How could a girl like that ever fall in love? I met the one person in this world I could learn to trust. Patient and kind.
I was a single mother just out of an abusive relationship. The ink of the divorce papers was still wet. The ex was still in jail where I put him. With a baby to support, my minimum wage job wasn’t enough. I had to make new opportunities for both of us. I loved helping people and blood didn’t bother me one bit. EMT school seemed a natural fit. I cut my hours at my restaurant job to go back to school. Orientation was the first week in September. I was more than ready to have a job that paid enough to buy groceries.
This guy was sitting on the other side of the class room. He was quiet and left me alone. Quiet and intent on the orientation. Another student kept trying to flirt with him. She was so forward that I figured they had to be an item. Nope. He only had eyes for me. He watched for a few days and listened. He discovered that my world revolved around my daughter and making a life for the two of us. I didn’t care much for men and wasn’t interested in dating.
I think he must have taken that as a challenge. For two weeks he have me is phone number every day of class. He couldn’t believe that I didn’t have a phone. I wasn’t about to use the phone next door to call him. Finally I decided to invite him to the house. Between school, working and a sick baby I was too tired to cut the grass. I need some help and he was the only one volunteering.
When he agreed to come over after he got off of work, I let a few people know I was expecting male company. My Biker Dude neighbor met him in the drive way. (just to make sure he wasn’t a threat and to make sure this boy knows where the real threat is!) Biker Dude was very protective of his young neighbor. He ran off all the men I tried to date, except this one.
I was surprised. Dragon didn’t run. He walked up to the door and rang the door bell. The grass didn’t get cut that day. We spent all day sitting on the couch getting to know each other. He figured out I had reason to be a man hater and I discovered that I wanted to know more about this guy I just couldn‘t bring myself to hate.
With time and patience, I began to trust him.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

I Told Him

Yep. I did it. I told him Friday evening.
It was another crazy busy day and I was pulling out my hair as usual. My computer did its thing and shut down before I could get it turned on, the kids were doing what they do and all I wanted to do was SCREAM!
He noticed.
“Do you need to be taken care of?” he asked.
I nodded my head.
After a long, cool shower he called me to the bedroom. The paddles and floggers were laid out on the bed ready for use. When I finally found a comfortable position, he took great care of me. It was more of a scene than maintenance. It was great.
He used the paddles and flogger. Then he messed with my mind just a little. I was instructed not to move. Cold metal touched my back. It felt sharp as it moved across my skin. I trusted him. Very still. Then I felt heat move across my skin. His touch was delicious.
I’m not very good at writing scene reports. My memory gets fuzzy and sensations get mixed up as the scene progresses. At the end of this scene I was left relaxed. We slept curled up together. Nothing mattered. Worries? What worries? I could give more detail but I’m not sure what was what. Hot becomes cold. The world turns upside down. Reality fades. He is my reality during a good scene. His hands. His voice.
I didn’t get the stress relief session I asked for. I got something much better.
Tonight his homework is done. We are ready to start our crazy busy week all over again. I think I’ll ask for that stress relief spanking one more time. I need a pre Monday boost.

(We have used parts from several computers that didn't work.  Now I have one that works.  I'm so happy.  I hope this one lasts a little longer.)

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

A Needy Wife

That is what I feel like right now. Our schedule has gone all crazy and it is going to get worse. Sports, lessons and school work at home. And now my dear Dragon has decided he needs to finish his degree. I want to scream at him. He should have done this years ago but no. Now he puts all this crazy on us now. I am trying to be supportive. I am trying to be a good wife and mother. I am.
But it is hard.
He falls into bed exhausted at night. When brush my teeth before bed he doesn’t attack me from behind and grown in my ear. Nope. He is snoring in bed. Normally he is the aggressor and I feel over used. Now I just feel lonely. I know he is tired. But, but, but.
Yes, I know. That is life.
I need to find a new form of stress relief. What did I do before TTWD anyway? No mid week stress relief. I thought it was hard finding time over the summer. But now it is impossible and our schedule hasn’t even hit full swing. Work in my sewing room. Ride the bike. Read to the kids. Gardening is out. My allergies are too bad now.
I can feel the tension building. The little everyday stressors of a stay at home, home school mom are piling up. How much more can I handle before something has to give? Before I start screaming like a maniac? I am afraid that we are going to end up in another stupid silly fight. You know how those end don’t you? Me bare bottomed over his knee, begging him to stop and tears of anger on the edge of falling. Swat after stinging swat falling on my flaming backside. 
Unfortunately, he won’t leave me angry anymore. Nope. That is just a signal that he needs to take a break. Time for him to leave me alone in that dusty garage for about 20 minutes while I process what just happened. (yes, I get to re dress) No computer. No book. Just the chair and his dusty tools. When he comes back in, will I be off the hook? Oh no. Now he really gets to the seat of the matter.
I don’t look forward to that one. It is coming. I can feel it.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Seasons Changing?

I had a post all typed out and spell checked. Approved by the Dragon.
Something is wrong with my poor old computer. It keeps shutting down at inopportune times. One more thing on my plate.
The theme of several blogs I have read fits right where I am. Seasons changing.
I wish this was simply a seasonal change but this is more like an intergalactic move. My husband career is ending. It is something we have planned for, worked for and looked forward to. But…. Not it is here.
For the first time in our relationship a job isn’t a given. It is a maybe. For the first time we have to job hunt. The house will have to be sold. (in the middle of a major recession?) We will move yet again to a new state and start all over. Most of our furniture will go to charity. I’ll clean out all the closets to the bare minimum.
I love the change from cold, hard winter to warm and renewed spring. I can’t see these changes like that. I can see that we are the winter. I can see things winding down from fall. The last of the leaves have fallen on this old life. A few months of winter and then it is time to begin our new lives.
Where will we live? Will we be able to provide for the kids? What will the home school laws be like in our state? Will we be near an ice rink? Music teachers? Will we have a yard or have to spend months living in the camper again?
Yes I am a little worried. I don’t do change very good at all. I’ll have to put on my big girl panties and handle this like I have every thing else. Lace up my running shoes, drag out the elliptical and find the yoga mat. My Bible will be close at hand with a prayer on my lips. The paddle will live beside the bed, ready at a moments notice.
One step at a time.
one second at a time.
I can do This
God is in the drivers seat
My oldest comes home for a short time tomorrow. Yes. I’m nervous about that too. Dragon made sure he would have half the day off to go to the airport with us. I’m not sure if I am happy to have her home. Everything is peaceful with her out of the picture. Quiet. All the drama is minor.

Wish me luck and say a prayer. I’ll present a happy face to the world. My prayer is that the smile is genuine and not a clown face.
(it doesn’t help that Dragon looked at job listings in his career field and only found 3 positions nation wide.)

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Feeling Submissive

After a punishment, do you feel more submissive? When you are obedient do you feel submissive? Does something you do just for him put you in a more obedient and submissive state of mind? Wearing a skirt or a bracelet? Doing a bible study he told you to do? Writing in your journal? Anything? Then you have felt what is called sub-space. It isn’t something dirty or make believe. It is a feeling of being loved and feeling secure. Of loving him so much that you would do anything for him.

After a spanking or weekly maintenance have you found that normal aches and pains don’t bother as much? Do you feel a little energized and like you are in your happy place? Do you attack your every day chores with renewed energy? Do things that normally irritate you not seem so important? I hate to tell you this. I really do. But you have experienced an endorphin rush. It is better than any antidepressant. More potent than any illegal drug and more effective than a prescription from your doctor. And it is healthier than hitting the bottle.

So who has it right? The BDSM crowd who says it is all fun and games? Or the DD/Tih/TTWD crowd who says it is all business? Personally I think I have the best of both worlds. A little bit of both. My world feels balanced. My husband knows how to make me fly with endorphins and how to put me in my place when I have disappointed him. I feel loved. I am loved.

Sub space, endorphin high and flying are all words used in the BDSM community. But they apply to DD/TTWD also. The words are not evil or dirty. They give you a way to describe with you are feeling. They explain what is happening to your body. Those things you feel? There is an explanation for it. It isn’t unique to DD. I wonder how many people get into the BDSM lifestyle looking for what I have found in DD? I wonder how many people get into DD looking for what the BDSM community has found? And how many people out there realize that their relationship is beyond labels?

I have tried on so many different labels that I feel sticky. None of them really fit who I am or what we do in our marriage. We are who we are. Unique together. It works.

Monday, August 15, 2011

safe words

We use safe words for play. Yes, we play that hard. And we use safe words for TTWD. Why? Safety.

Red = All stop. Something is wrong and you need to check in.
Yellow = We don’t need to stop yet but something isn’t right.
Green = Hey that was great. Do that again
Blue = medical. Cut the ropes,. Get me out of this now. Asthma or other serious medical emergency.

I have heard that it is a trust issue. Is it really? How can my Dragon know for sure when I am having an asthma attack? How can he know when my leg is cramping? Or that I simply need to reposition myself across his lap? Most of the time he can see when I begin to panic. He can see when he has pushed just a little too far but not always. No is always no. Stop is always stop. The lights or safe words give him more information in one word. (right now my color would be blue)
I trust this man with my life. I trust him with children. Why wouldn’t I trust him with DD or kinky play? I do. It isn’t a matter of trust. He can’t read my mind. He doesn’t know when something isn’t working. My body language can be hard to read. It might be important for him to know that I just broke my toe and that I am bleeding. Oops.
It doesn’t matter if it is play or a more serous punishment. Safety is our first goal. Shouldn’t safety always be a concern? Both physically and emotionally he wants what is best for me. He doesn’t want to push too hard or go too far. Safe words are our safety net. They are always there to use.
Some people have raised the concern about misuse of the words. Worried that they would be used to get out of a well deserved punishment. That is always a possibility for some people but not for me. I feel like I have let him down. I feel like a failure when I use them. I am sure there are women out there who would over use them. My trouble comes from not using them enough.
He reassures me that using my colors is never a failure. If I am having an asthma attack, whatever we are doing needs to stop. If I am panicking play isn’t fun anymore and punishment damages. That is not what I am supposed to feel.

Guess I’ll have to work on that one.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Life is a Rose

A bullion rose to be specific.

I love to sew. Sewing has kept me sane all these years I have been a stay at home mom. When I gave up a career and college, I turned to my “new” sewing machine. I made crib bedding, cute baby dresses, maternity clothes, doll dress, dog coats and many other projects. I have therapy sessions with my needle and thread.

Over the years, I have become a stickler for quality. My first dresses looked “home made.” Now if something isn’t of the highest quality, it doesn’t come out of my sewing room. I have a huge dish barrel box full of projects that were not up to my standard. A dress that didn’t hang right, strips or plaids that didn’t match. Something wasn’t quiet right. But I would put aside the failed project and try again.

I have learned so many new things. Lace shaping, smocking, embroidery stitches. I have learned how to look for fine fabrics and had the opportunity to work with some wonderful silk organza. I have a list of new things I want to learn. Pattern drafting, ribbon embroidery and tambour beading. Always more to learn.

One embroidery stitch has always eluded my grasp. Bullion knots. I have tried to learn them many times and always failed. My knots looked like a tangled mess and never a beautiful rose. … Until today. I finally got it right. After years of trying and failing, persistence paid off. I learned how make those stubborn stitches. They aren’t as neat as I would like them yet but I can make them now. That is a huge accomplishment for me.

Life is like that too. There are things in life that seem so out of reach. A goal that is unobtainable. Yet, with tenacity, patience, hard work and persistence, anything is possible. Owning your own home. A stable relationship. That prized job.

Life for me is a tiny embroidered rose. Hard to master but worth every minute of my time.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

So Small

The hardships of others sometimes makes your daily frustrations seem so small.

That is where I am today........ So Small

A little boy, 3 years old is fighting for his life. He has neuroblastoma. I read about his struggle and his mothers heart break almost every day. I pray for them every day. Some days she doesn’t post an update. When she misses a day or two, I pray even harder.

His story makes my problems seem So small.

Say a prayer today for all the children fighting this awful cancer and for this young mother. My heart breaks for them.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Dragon's Way

Dragon does things his own way. He is strong willed, hard headed and loves me with all of his heart. What more could a girl want? I am his china doll, his rose and his princess. He spoils me rotten, hold me close at nigh and shows mercy when I don’t deserve it.
The loving dd book and the cdd web page encourage spanking to tears. Dragon says “no thank you. You don’t need to cry every time.” He wants submission and obedience. That comes before the first swat connects with my backside. It comes when I submit to his authority and to a punishment that I know will not be pleasant. Sometimes tears come after all is said and done. Sometimes the tears don’t fall at all. Tears are not his goal. He doesn’t want to beat me into submission. I submit to him because I love him and trust him will my heart.
The Learning DD blog gives step by step instructions for spanking. How hard, position, how many swats. Boy am I ever happy my Dragon can think for himself. Nine swats and my last punishment was over. Sometimes I need fewer swats and there are times when I need more. He listens to my squeaks. He pays attention to the tension in my body. Positioned across his lap, with his hand on back, he feels my body tense and relax. He feels in my body the very moment I have had enough. There is no need to go one step further. No need to continue the spanking until I am in hysterics. I am thankful that he stops when he does.
Every page I have read says, NO RUBBING. Yet after every few swats, he rubs my flaming skin. After the last swat, before he lets me up, he rubs away the pain. He sooths the sting. I treasure those moments. His touch shows that I am forgiven. His touch shows me that all is right in my little world. When he repositions me in his lap and holds me close, I know I am loved.
Dragon doesn’t do “corner time” or time out. He takes me into his arms and whispers words of love into my ear. He sends the kids to their room to let me collect my thoughts and calm down. He harnesses my service dog and fills my camel pack for a long walk. Dragon understands that sometimes I need a hug and sometimes I need a little time alone. On really hard days he gets out my motorcycle leather and the helmet. He moves the bike to the driveway and gets it running for me. I get to take a long solitary ride. Just me, the bike and the open road. I head away from civilization, up into the mountains and across the desert. I love his idea of Mommy time. No standing naked in the corner for me.
Yep. I am one lucky girl and I know it. I am thankful that my husband is the man that he is. I am thankful that he is mine. This last year has been a learning experience. I have learned that labels are man made and that most people don’t really fit any of them. We are all individuals with different relationship dynamics. So much the same and yet very different too. Is my relationship with Dragon D/s, DD, CDD, LDD or Tih? Or are we simply a man and woman absolutely in love finding our way in a world turned upside down?
It is hard to believe that this time last year we were just starting to talk about making some changed in our lives. Talking about what these changed would look like in our relationship and deciding to move foreword with it. Yes, I am the one who brought up the topic but it turns out he was already half a step ahead of me. He had already started moving our relationship in that direction. So now what do we call it? I think it is simply “This Thing We Do” Or as Bman and Sugarann say it "Tweed"

Friday, August 5, 2011

Is DD a Christian Thing?

Another topic covered in the anti DD article
For me that is an easy question to answer. Yes and No
Submitting to my husband is Biblical.
The roles of a husband and wife are right there in the Bible, printed in black and white. I can’t tell you how other relationships work but I can tell you about mine. When we follow the Biblical model, marriage words like it should. He is the HOH and I submit to his authority. He is not a tyrant. When he makes a decision, he considers all aspects first. What is best for our family is most important. He looks at what he wants and as well as what I want. It isn’t a one sided, legalistic “my way or the highway” deal. We discuss all sides of an issue and then a decision is made. My wants, needs and opinions matter to him. No, I don’t always get my way.
Domestic Discipline is not Biblical.
We consider ourselves to be New Testament Christians. We study the teaching of Jesus and his disciples. It is our guide to life. I have not found one verse that specifically tells a husband to spank his wife. Parents should spank children. And owners should whip slaves. No mention of husbands spanking wives. The Bible says what it says. To add to it is wrong. Adding rules that aren‘t there is what the Pharisee did. And we know that is wrong. Is DD “Christian”? yes and no I don’t think it is unchristian or sinful. It simply is not Biblical
Ok. What do we have now? It isn’t Biblical but isn’t unchristian either. A husband spanking his wife simply isn’t mentioned. Where do we go from here? I would say back into history and tradition. The thought of a husband as HOH and spanking his wife was not always though of as a bad thing. It was common place 100 years ago. 50 years ago it was not unheard of. I know for a fact that my father-in-law has spanked his wife once or twice. I wonder what he would think if he knew his son spanks me??? I can almost see is mustache twitching with silent laughter and approval.

I have a tight deadline with a sewing project. It should have been done weeks ago. I’ll work on a researching spanking, traditional roles and the feminist movement in history latter. When I’m not working against the clock. Time to turn on a movie and make my needles fly.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Dusting off the Door Mat

It is quiet on the home front. With wild land fire season in full swing, my asthma is flaring. He doesn‘t want to make it any worse. The impact of the paddle makes it so much harder to breath. Stress relief is put on hold until the smoke clears from the valley.
He is doing his very best to help me avoid punishment too. I don’t think he would withhold a well deserved spanking but he isn‘t nit picking. He lets me rest when I need to and judges how I feel by how my service dog is acting. If the dog won’t leave my side, he knows something is wrong. If the dog is snoozing on his bed, he knows I’m ok. Funny how that works.
The kids have started slipping with schoolwork and chores. I waited until Dragon got home from work to read the kids the riot act. I wanted them to know we were on the same page. When I started getting close to messing up, he sent the kids out of the room for a few minutes. He held me until the tears began to slow and called the kids back in. They are grounded and know that if they don’t get their school work done at home, they will all be in school. If they are going to fail, it can do it at school and not take up my time. They discovered what I have given up to stay home with them. A degree in chemical engineering and a career that pays a lot more than staying home with the kids. It is a dream that is gone. I gave it up years ago.
Dragon isn’t out to punish me. He isn’t waiting for me to slip. Sexy, erotic spankings he loves and will use every opportunity to redden my bare backside. But punishment is a different story. I discovered that last night. As he held and comforted me. While my tears fell, I melted in his arms. He reassured me that I wasn’t wrong. No rules had been broken. He wanted me to calm down before I crossed that line. He wanted to let me know that he understands and he is on my side. We have both made sacrifices for our children. They didn’t know it before but they do now.
I have dusted the foot prints off my back. I am sure it is a temporary state. I said I would never be a door mat but somehow, I have let the kids treat me like one. I have my little broom in hand to dust away any new foot prints as soon as they try. Let’s see how long it lasts this time.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

How far is too far?

My opinion on the topic.

This is a question asked in an ainti-dd article I read (link provided in the helpful links section on the right), The author is troubled that there isn’t any information out there on the topic. He is right! ! ! I haven’t even thought about it. A non-issue in my relationship with Dragon.
There is a line in the sand that Dragon refuses to cross. It is the line between rational thought and absolute panic. From the moment a rule is broken, he watches my body language. A punishment is going to hurt and humiliate. That is why it is effective. A little fear is a good thing. Panic is a bad thing. As he spanks me, he listens to my cries and squeaks. He feels my body tense and relax under his hand. Never pushing too far. My eyes show just what is going on in my head. Panic? Submission? Defiance? Dragon knows because my eyes tell him. If he sees even a flicker of panic, everything stops. I am in the comfort of his arms, hearing words of comfort and love.
In an effort to stay within my limits and his own, a few punishments were less than adequate. In the very beginning of a DD relationship, I think that is a very good thing. It is better to stop before the point has been made than to risk doing permanent damage. Emotional damage that is. So what if you leave a mark on her backside. Emotional scars run deeper than any bruise I have ever had and take longer to heal.
How far is too far? Dragging your wife kicking and screaming to the bed room, holding her down and making her submit? Absolutely! Spanking to tears every spanking? Maybe. How many swats are excessive? Over 100 swats is definitely excessive when 10-15 are adequate. Hitting in anger is always a bad idea. Hitting anywhere other than the backside for a punishment. Punching and slapping is abusive. Don’t do it.
Anything done against her will, goes too far. Rules she doesn’t agree with. Punishing even after she has refused. If she is refusing, don’t force the issue. Step back and revaluate. What is going on? TALK about it. If DD is having a negative effect, TALK. Does she feel like she can’t do anything right? It may be time to reevaluate some of those rules or use a little mercy.
There it is. I’m sure I have left some things out but I tried. In the end, you have to decide for yourself. Is it going too far? Is this right? Keep asking that question and talk. Keep it healthy.

Monday, August 1, 2011

a name change

Dragon changed the name of his blog several weeks ago. The name change on my blog reflects that change. And since Dragon is what I call him, I think it is better. Sorry for any confusion.  If you still call me missie, I'll understand.
I am still me. Out spoken at times and very opinionated. Is that an understatement or what? I call BS when I see it, smell it or suspect it is in the room. Ick.
You won’t read details about sex or see my bare backside. No way. I keep it clean. The topic hasn’t changed. This lifestyle is changing our lives a little at a time. This blog lets me go back and see those changes. and yes, I am patriotic and loyal to US veterans. My blog isn’t based on BDSM but since it is part our lives it will be part of my blog from time to time.
Yes, you can be kinky and Christian at the same time. Gasp!
Now to find a profile photo. A dragon? Roses? Hmmmm. I’ll have to see what I can find.
Time for more benadryl, albuterol and a nap. It is wildland fire season. OH joy. Breathing is something I DO NOT take for granted.