Monday, August 15, 2011

safe words

We use safe words for play. Yes, we play that hard. And we use safe words for TTWD. Why? Safety.

Red = All stop. Something is wrong and you need to check in.
Yellow = We don’t need to stop yet but something isn’t right.
Green = Hey that was great. Do that again
Blue = medical. Cut the ropes,. Get me out of this now. Asthma or other serious medical emergency.

I have heard that it is a trust issue. Is it really? How can my Dragon know for sure when I am having an asthma attack? How can he know when my leg is cramping? Or that I simply need to reposition myself across his lap? Most of the time he can see when I begin to panic. He can see when he has pushed just a little too far but not always. No is always no. Stop is always stop. The lights or safe words give him more information in one word. (right now my color would be blue)
I trust this man with my life. I trust him with children. Why wouldn’t I trust him with DD or kinky play? I do. It isn’t a matter of trust. He can’t read my mind. He doesn’t know when something isn’t working. My body language can be hard to read. It might be important for him to know that I just broke my toe and that I am bleeding. Oops.
It doesn’t matter if it is play or a more serous punishment. Safety is our first goal. Shouldn’t safety always be a concern? Both physically and emotionally he wants what is best for me. He doesn’t want to push too hard or go too far. Safe words are our safety net. They are always there to use.
Some people have raised the concern about misuse of the words. Worried that they would be used to get out of a well deserved punishment. That is always a possibility for some people but not for me. I feel like I have let him down. I feel like a failure when I use them. I am sure there are women out there who would over use them. My trouble comes from not using them enough.
He reassures me that using my colors is never a failure. If I am having an asthma attack, whatever we are doing needs to stop. If I am panicking play isn’t fun anymore and punishment damages. That is not what I am supposed to feel.

Guess I’ll have to work on that one.


  1. I have always found safewords to be a safety net for the Dom rather than the sub. He can safely keep playing when he knows his sub will keep him informed of anything he needs to know (physical wise). It allows him to let loose a bit more - to play with the lines, so to speak.

    And the trust is still an issue - still there with safewords. He trusts that she will be honest and not misuse her words and that let him know when something is up... and she trusts that he will honor her use of the words.

    As you pointed out, there are lots and lots of areas that a Dom simply cant "read"... and they go into headspace tooo.

  2. Sub
    You are absolutely right. He does have to trust me to use those safe words. When we play he has to know what is going on. He has to know I’ll use those safe words. Edge play is fun but it can go wrong fast. The same goes for punishment and TTWD. Just the stress of knowing I disappointed him can cause an asthma attack.

    Head space is a topic for another day. And the emotional impact of TTWD. It can take newbies by surprise.

    Thanks for stopping by and leaving your mark! ! ! I always like to hear from people who read my blog.

  3. Everyone needs to work out what is best for them. We have never had a safe word and we have gotten through emergency situations just fine, but that's us, not you. Follow your gut and your own comfort level and don't worry about what other people say...unless it suits you!

    How's that for unsolicited advice?


  4. Sara, we play too hard not to have them. The more info the better. Too many people see DD and D/s and unrelated but that isn't true. There is much more info out there for kinky people than for vanilla DD. Use it.