Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Dragon's Birthday

What to do?  What to do?

It can't cost a lot.  His birthday is toward the end of a pay period but he is turning 40!   Hmmmm

I have tried my best to be supper submissive this week.  Sex on demand and being helpful.  But I think this birthday calls for something special.  This is also his first birthday as a retired veteran.

I already know what we will have for supper.  Bean soup with the ham bone I saved from Sunday dinner.   Yummy.  It won't be our date night.  We will save that for another night he isn't on call.  But what to do?

I think a picnic.

Just the two of us.  The picnic basket packed for grown-ups for a change.  Ice cold beer and something adventurous that we haven't tried out of the cook book.  Finger food of course.  If it is too cold or late we can eat in the cab of the truck.  Act like two teenagers and make out in a parking lot.

Nothing wild.  Just us.  I like it.

Now who gets to give him his birthday swats?

Somehow I think I will be on the receiving end of those.  But he will make my body sing with pleasure with every single stinging swat.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

There is a App for that

Wow.  I have just entered the world of the smart phone.  I liked my old cell better.  All it did was make phone calls.  I had to get my kids to help me check the voice mail feature.  I had a hard time making that work!  This new phone makes phone calls, texts, plays music, takes pictures  makes videos and surfs the net.  And now I discover this thing called "apps".  There is an app for everything!  Ok, almost everything.  I am still looking for the wash dishes app and the fold laundry app.

There is an app that lets me read my kindle books on my phone.  An app that lets me use the camera feature as a flashlight.  I can use an app that counts my laps as I walk in endless circles around my yard.    There is even an app for tracking fertility.

What?

Yep.  You got it right.  Fertility! 

I was shocked.

You see, we don't use chemical birth control but we don't want to keep with with the Duggars either.  Crazy people!  What are they up to now?  22 kids?  I can't keep track.  We use a program called Natural Family Planning.  I keep a chart by the bed to track the signs of fertility.  There are 4.  I'm not sure how effective it is but I haven't gotten pregnant and didn't intend to.

The one time I tried the pill, I just couldn't handle it.  The side effects didn't bother me but the idea of taking a drug for no other reason than my convenience just bugged me.  And then there is the thing about the pill and IUD acting as an abortifact a percentage of the time.  I have 4 kids but I have been pregnant 8 times.  I couldn't handle the idea that I might be flushing away a potential pregnancy.   Dragon didn't like the idea of me being on the pill either.  For many of the same reasons.

Sooo..... Dragon scheduled the snip snip surgery.

No big deal.

Right?

Wrong!

I couldn't handle that any more than he could handle me on the pill.  It just seemed wrong to alter his body for convenience.  There are risks to the surgery that the doctors gloss over.  They read them off so fast that you don't have a chance to really absorb any of it.  On the day of his appointment, i was a nervous wreck.  We were ready.

We got to the clinic with me nearly in tears and Dragon frustrated with me.     He didn't seem to think it was as big of deal as I did.  (keep in mind he was active duty military)  He walked up to the desk to check in.  The desk clerk informed him that he missed his appointment by several hours.  (I know we had the time right)  She stood there and yelled at him for 5 minutes about the importance of keeping your appointments and how he was going to be written up.  She announced to the entire waiting room what his appointment was for, his private information and continued with her lecture.

I am not sure what happened to the clerk.  An airman can not ever yell at an NCO nor show that level of disrespect.  Nor can hospital staff broadcast private information that way.   What I do know is that I walked out of that clinic stunned.  He wasn't having the surgery.  He didn't reschedule the appointment and we had a long talk.  We knew we had the time right.  When the appointment was made he wasn't given an appointment slip so we had no proof.  But they didn't have proof either.  The matter of the missed appointment was dropped.

Dragon realized how important this was to me and hasn't asked about it again.  He said the mix up with the appointment was a God thing.  God speaks and His word is law.

We sill use NFP and now I see that there is indeed an app for that.

Hmmm.  I wonder if there is a spanking app.... or a DD app

Monday, February 25, 2013

Still no spanking

But I am feeling better.  Dragon got tired of me being sick and finally said, "ok, you don't have to do anything but I need you."  I didn't feel very sexy but sometimes it isn't about what I want.  Sometimes it is about telling him that he matters too.

This weekend I got a few things on my to do list done!  I marked off and measured my walking path.  6 laps around the yard makes a mile.  Amazon sells a mechanical lap counter to keep up with my laps.  One mile isn't bad but 5 is impossible to keep up with.

I also started on the first baby dress to sell on etsy.  It is a pattern I have used often.  I love it.  It is a little weird making a dress without a child to wear it.  The pattern is simple.  What makes it wow is the hand embroidery.  I am going to under price it and see what happens.  If it sells fast, my prices will go up.  If it doesn't sell at all, I'll drop my price a little but not much.  If it still doesn't sell, I won't put anything else on etsy.

The walking path and the dress gave me another idea.  Years ago I tried to do the Komen 3 day walk for breast cancer.  You walk about 60 miles over three days and live in a tent city for the duration.  The purpose is fundraising.  $2500 worth of fundraising per walker.  What happened?  Dragon got a surprise deployment.  What do you do with 4 small kids when your husband is deployed?  Stay home.  I had about $500 in my fundraising account and I was totally overwhelmed with  yet another forced separation.  The walk turned into just another source of stress.  I gave it up.

http://www.the3day.org/site/PageServer

I had an idea.  I can train like I am going to walk.  Most days it is a 1 or 2 mile walk with more on the weekends.  All the way up to 17 miles in the weeks approaching the event.  I haven't had much luck with yard sales but maybe an internet auction.  A quilt, baby blankets  smocked dresses, heirloom baby clothes, aprons.  Hmmm.  Maybe.  I could set up the auction on facebook.  The donations could go right to Komen.  What I haven't figured out is how to cover postage.  Hmmm.  I'll have to think on that one.

I have set April as a deadline to decide.  We should know more about Dragon's job by then too.  

Friday, February 22, 2013

kids and a non DD week

I have been sick all week.  (I do not get any kind of swats when I am this sick.) This started as just a little head cold.  No big deal.  Then it turned into a sinus infection and an ear ache.  Now it has traveled down to my chest.  Add asthma into the mix and I don't want to move.  My abs are sore from coughing so much and my voice sounds like a squeaky toy.

What happens in my house when mom is sick?  The kids get busy.  They have been helping each other with school work.  I only have to correct a quiz or test when there is a problem.  Chores are getting done without me standing over them and the dogs are getting walked several times a day.  Every time I try to get up to help with the house, the kids chase me back to bed.  If I insist on staying up the wrap me up in a blanket on the couch.

I have great kids.

On to better news.

After my service dog died, I promised my son his very own dog.  Well that didn't work out so good.  We found an add for a dog that needed a good home.  He is a few years old but good natured   The family just can't afford to feed him anymore.  Usually I call bull on that but not this time.  Her daughter was just diagnosed with breast cancer.  It sounds like it is very advanced.  She loves her dog but just can't take care of her daughter and give the dog what he needs too.

Sooo.... What did I do?  We are getting his shots up to date and keeping him until everything settles down.  She is under hospice care which means that they don't expect her to live much longer.  No idea how long we will have this dog but he is a sweet heart.  I didn't think it was fair for her to make this decision with her daughter so sick.  I told her to wait.  We will keep him and feed him.  She needs to take care of herself and her daughter right now.

No, I don't know these people but the dog is a sweet heart.  He has been spoiled rotten in the good kind of way.  They are just people who needed a helping hand.  Does it matter if I am fostering for a rescue group or helping a family out?  Either way I have to buy dog food.  A rabies shot costs $10 over at the pound.  I can do that much.

If she wants him back in a few months I will figure out the money to buy my son his very own puppy.  That will cost several hundred dollars but he is worth every penny.  He is doing great taking care of our latest foster/maybe forever dog.  We will have to wait and see what happens.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Have you ever wondered?

Everyone has a story.  Everyone is on their own path in the craziness we call life.

A boy was in the parking lot.  Not much older than 18.  Car out of gas, out of money and trying to get somewhere.  Two old cowboys stopped to help a stranger.  Two random people stop and take the time to help a ragged looking boy.  They try their best to get the kid back on the road and both slip him a little money with a God bless.  The boy didn't ask for help.  He didn't ask for money but two strangers stopped to give him a hand.

I wonder what his story is.

The cowboys?  I know one and other is cut from the same cloth.  They were both thinking, "what if that was my son?"  But what about the boy?  Where is he headed?  Why was he on the road?  Where will he end up.

I hope he will have the chance to pass on the blessing.

I have my blessing.  A husband with a heart of gold.  

Friday, February 15, 2013

What is Dominance?

I saw an post of fetlife by this title today.  His definition of dominance is not domineering but rather seduction.

You will need a Fetlife account to read it but here is the link.  Very informative and I absolutely agree.
https://fetlife.com/users/2080904/posts/1413127

He puts it so much better than I could.  I'll give you a short preview!
First he advises to inspire trust.  You don't do that by bossing her around and being an ass.
Inspire confidence.  Know what you are doing and don't fumble.  Have your crap together.  There is nothing wrong with a few practice sessions when trying something new.
The last part of his formula is my favorite.  Seduce her mind.  Delicious.

If you don't have a fet account, it is worth the trouble just for this one post.  Most of the photos are very poor self shots done in a bathroom mirror.  They call for a healthy dose of eye bleach with even a short glance but some of the photos are tasteful and very well done.  

Great read.  I give it 5 stars!

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Feb. 14th

Is the day of mandatory love.  A day every man is expected to get his sweetheart a present.  And HE better not forget!  It better be something sweet, preferably chocolate and romantic, candle light dinner for two?

We don't DO Valentines day at all. Not in my house.  The only reason it is recognized at all is because Dragon proposed to me on this day years ago.  It is a date neither one of us would forget.     The little things we do for each other every other day of the year means so much more.

What things you ask?

A love not in his lunch box.
A letter left under my pillow.
A bubble bath
Flowers
chocolates just because.

Noting special about these days.  No mandatory gift giving or push to find something romantic.  Just a small token of affection that says, "I love you."   That means so much more than just one day a year.


Saturday, February 9, 2013

How does Dragon deal with my stress?

Oops...  Almost forgot a kink warning....


A scene.

It didn't last long but it was....

MIND BLOWING

Thursday night I was a mess.

The decisions was made to say good bye to my best puppy buddy.  I was shaking and very close to tears.  Sitting bolt upright under the covers trying unsuccessfully to relax.  Dragon was sitting on his side of the bed about to lay down.  He walked around the bed and slipped into be bed behind me.  He pulled me back against his chest and rubbed my shoulders until the knots began to loosen just a little.

I sat up a little and he rubbed my back.  After a few minutes he leaned up and whispered in my ear. "Be very still."

I heard his knife snick open.  (Understand, Dragon keeps his knives VERY sharp)  He pulled the tip slowly across my skin.  Just hard enough to leave a faint line of blood.  A very minor scratch.  Over and over again the pulled the knife across my back.  Sometimes hard enough to barley break the skin, others just enough to make me gasp.

His arm wrapped around my neck.  My head tilted back as he put just a little pressure on my neck.  Then he reached across the bed and got his belt.  He draped it around my shoulders and across the front of my neck.  It felt delicious.  Just enough pressure to feel a sliver of panic.  I felt my mind slipping into sub space.

Even with as sad  and worried as I was, I still hit subspace.

Friday morning we started the day with lovemaking and ended the day with another scene.  The second scene didn't help me sleep.  I spent most of the night crying.  I miss my puppy so much.  But with Dragon around, I know I'll be ok.  Love my Man! ! !

Friday, February 8, 2013

saying good bye

On top of the wonderful week we have had, my dane took a turn for the worse.  He was limping and only got up to go outside when I insisted.  Even as bad as he felt he was still trying to be my service dog.  I sat on the floor to be close to him.  He got upset.  He stood up and insisted that he help me up.  I put my hand on his back and put just a little weight on his.  He thought he helped me one last time.

On the way to the vet he looked so happy.  Car rides are his favorite thing in the world.  He had the back seat to himself.  He loved it.  I think he must have used up all of his energy being excited about the ride.  The vet came out to our car so my puppy didn't have to be scared going in.  My puppy didn't even struggle.

It is done.

Now I can't stop crying.  So much for being strong for Dragon and the kids.

Ps.  no boxes got unpacked today.  

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Pollyanna

Last night I tried to get things going.  Unfortunately, neither one of us was really in the mood for love making.    Dragon went on line and tried to get his resume updated.  The web page did not cooperate.  We are working on transferring some certifications so he qualifies for more jobs.  That should help our prospects greatly.

Yesterday, when he came home from work, I had my game face on.  The one that really looks scared but if you don't look too close, it could look happy.  We cooked supper together and retreated to the bed room.  Dragon couldn't handle the chaos that follows 4 teenagers.  I think they make noise just to be heard.  They compete to see who can out shout the other.

This morning I am determined to put on my big girl panties and be a total Pollyanna.  My stomach is rebelling at my small breakfast and single cup of coffee but that isn't going to slow me down.  I have work to do.   I know that another move is almost inevitable.  If you want work, you have to be willing to be mobile.

So.....  I am going to start getting this house ready for a move.

I wasn't prepared for our last move at all.  Yes, I should have been but fear had me paralyzed.  I manged our regular routine but nothing other than that.  This time is going to be different.  I have a garage full of unorganized boxes.  Right now Dragon is working too many hours to help sort them.  It is up to me.     One box at a time.  I am going to start with the boxes of books I haven't even had open in four years.  Home school text books, Sunday school curriculum and a large collection of paper backs.

Most of them are going to a local thrift store.  We have found two we want to donate too.  They both support worthy causes.  One supports a soup kitchen and the other an animal rescue.

His tools that are thrown into boxes with no organization, I am going to sort into our camp tables.  Have it all out where he can see everything and get rid of what he doesn't want.  Then I'll pack everything back into boxes and get it ready to move..... again.....

This move won't be hired out to the lowest bidder like the military moves were.  This time it will all be us.  The pickup truck and a U-haul.

 God has something better for us.  I can't believe that he would bring us all this way just to dump us on the streets without any means of support.  Just because I can't see his plan, doesn't mean that he doesn't have one.

Time to put my big girl panties on and start my day.  See my happy smile?  Pay no attention to the snarl.  Please see only the smile.  If I pretend hard enough, it will become a real smile.  Putting on my very best Pollyanna attitude!

One step at a time.  Breath....


Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Job hunting

Dragon has to start job hunting AGAIN

We sold the house up north.  Wow now we can get back on our feet!  Right?

Not so fast.

Umm that bill you were paying every month?  Well it didn't get paid and we are going to repo your camper.

problem resolved.  We still don't know who was at fault for that or why it took them so long to notify us that there was a problem.  But problem resolved.  Oh and we get to keep our camper!  It shouldn't ding our credit either.  Banks fault maybe?

That was Monday.

Fast forward to today....

I got a call around noon.

"Um honey, I need to start looking for a new job.  I don't think this one is going to last much longer."

Lay offs.

Just what we need.

I guess this is how the civilian world works.  Sometimes I sure do miss the military.

I am so afraid that i can't breath.

Now lets talk PTSD and what a huge trigger this is going to be for Dragon.  I had to talk him down from a panic attack when he called.   I have to be strong for him.  I thought we were done with crazy crap when he retired.   If this is how the rest of society lives, I want my old military life back.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Money again

I opened one of those letters from the bank that makes your heart stop.  It sure made mine stop for just a second.

WOW!

What a change....

Did something positive just happen?

Why, yes it did.

What looked to be very bad money news and I kept my cool.

"Hmmm, what is this?  Oh, I guess I will just ask about this latter and call the bank when they open in the morning."

No panic attack.

No temper tantrums.

wow

Is Dragon rubbing off on me?

I think he is.  This is a good thing.

Yes, the letter was bad but everything is fixed now.  Money was not going where it was supposed to go.  Ooops and now it is fixed.

I can breath.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Lasting Sting

It was early.  The wasn't up yet but I was.  The coffee was brewing and Dragon had finished his breakfast.  He had a few minutes before he had to leave for work.  Not long.

Just enough time to show his wife how much loves her.  The hall way never seemed so long.  His hand  rested firmly on my back.  Guiding me, as always.  In the bedroom he placed my hands on the cedar chest at the foot of the bed and retrieved the paddle from its hiding place.  He lifted he hem of my night shirt and showed me just how much he loves me.

The paddle fell softly at first.  Leaving behind only a small sting.  Not pleasant but there.  The tempo increased slightly.  Then he wrapped his arm around me, holding me firmly in place.  The paddling continued at the same pace.  Then he asked me if I was ready.

Crap

Holding me still.

Asking if I am ready?

Are you kidding?  I know what is coming when he does that.

Memory swats.

I guess I should be happy it wasn't a punishment.  I did earn one last night. (that is a story for another time)  It was simply a reconnection.  Starting the day off right.

Latter in the day, after a session with the step and a hot shower I felt the sting.    After a workout and shower, I like to sit back and relax for a few minutes.  My backside started stinging.  WOW.  It felt like he had just given me the swats.  OWCH.

Who needs a good memory when Dragon has his paddle?  He made sure I didn't have to work very hard to remember those swats.  He left a lasting impression on my backside.