Monday, August 15, 2016

I Don't Get It

Back to school celebration photos.  You know the ones.  Mom jumping for joy, kids looking embarrassed, scared, hurt or even laughing.

I enjoy the time I spend with my children.  I get lonely if I don't have at least one kid at my side.  There have been times that I needed a short break but not EVERY DAY! I actually enjoy my kids.  Even teenagers!

I worry about the kids in the photos.  That they are hurt but just hiding it.  What kind of chaos do they live in that spending time away from the kids is a relief for these moms?

I do understand being proud of your kids.  I understand being excited that they are learning and growing into young adults.  I just don't understand these first day of school photos.  They have so much potential to hurt. A mother is expected to love unconditionally.  What are these photos really saying?

No, I won't understand your explanation.  It isn't something I can understand.  This is just food for thought.  Think about it before you do your own staged photo.

Ps.  I hated sending my kids away to school so much I home school.  We started in 1998 and we are still going strong.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Learning Something New

My oldest daughter brought her electric guitar home for me to keep. I don't think she intended for me to keep it forever but....

I really hate seeing an expensive piece of equipment collecting dust.  No one plays it!

A few months ago, I bought a Hal Leanord lesson book, a package of picks and new strings.  Yesterday, I picked it up and started learning.  Now, my other kids are interested in learning!  One string at a time, we are all learning together. One guitar between three people.  My son hasn't shown interest but the girls have.

Lessons of the week.  1. I am capable of learning something new! 2.  The best way to get my teenagers interested in something is to do it!

Sitting around the living room floor, passing the guitar from person to person is the perfect way to spend these miserable hot summer days.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Sawing Logs

Yep.  Dragon snores.

Call it what ever you want but it is truly revolting.  Tonight he sounds like an elephant with a knotted trunk.  Last night he sounded like a dying horse.  My goal every night is to fall asleep before the sound effects get into the dangerous decibel level.

I almost never succeed.

He was a good Dragon and had a sleep study done.  What a surprise! He has sleep apnea.  I tried to tell them!  The fancy test wasn't necessary.  Even the neighbors know he has issues!

"It is treatable." They said.  This machine will put him right to sleep with no snores.

That was several years ago.

This expensive compressor now sits beside the bed gathering dust.

If the pressure is turned up enough to help him, he develops another problem.  I'll tell you about the last time he used that contraption.

Ugh

He replaced all the parts he could with new. The water reservoir, tubing, mask and filters. He spent some time getting the straps to the mask adjusted just right.  Everything was set to go.  He put the mask on and was out before his head hit the pillow.

And I was still awake.

The snoring wasn't as loud but it was just enough to keep me awake.  Around 1am the farting started.  From fast and short to long and loud.  At 2 he let one loose so loud that it woke him up! He looked so startled, I had to laugh.  He sat up, took off the mask and ran for the bathroom.

That was months ago and he refuses to use the cpap now. I can't blame him.  We set the pressure lower and it does no good.  Increase the pressure just a little and it causes other problems.

Eventually I will fall asleep from exhaustion.  Even with the chainsaw buzzing in my ear. For now, I am going to re-read a favorite book.  I have to see if it ends the same way!

Good night

Sunday, July 31, 2016

My How People Change!

Me!  I have changed!

I was a shy girl who wouldn't defend herself.  Turn the other cheek was drilled into my young brain.  No matter what, don't fight.  Take it and just walk away.

I took a lot of crap in school because of that. Punished at school, get worse at home.  Nothing the bullies could do would make me react. Not even tears.

I'm not that girl any more.

While Dragon was military, I stood toe to toe with anyone who didn't give me my way.  Chief, first sergeant or commander.  It didn't matter.  I was always polite.  I was always respectful but they knew what I thought!

But still. I never tried to defend myself. Not ever.  I couldn't hit a living, breathing person.  I couldn't hurt another person even if they were trying to hurt me.

That has changed!

In the last few months I discovered that I am still afraid of my ex husband. Very afraid and with good reason.

Little shy me is learning how to fight!  Dragon is teaching me how to punch.  How to get out of holds. How to deal with a gun or a knife. I can do this!

Some change is good.  I will not be afraid of a coward.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Rules

Dragon only has two that he enforces.  They both relate to the 4 Rd.
1. Obviously cussing. It is why DD began.  Our marriage nearly ended thanks to the military and a drug called larium.  In the struggle to keep it together my mouth got a little dirty.

2. This is the one I really struggle with.  Seatbelt use.

I just forget to put it on.  I know it is dangerous. In another lifetime I was a paramedic! Why do I keep forgetting?

I am lucky Dragon doesn't really want to punish me.

If the warning bell dings, I get swats.  Dragon usually tells me in a gentle voice to put it on.  He tells me before the truck gets going fast enough to trigger the warning.

Love my man.

Monday, July 25, 2016

weight Loss

If you have followed my blog, you know that the last 12 months have been insane.  Dragon in a PTSD crisis. My oldest daughter raped and pregnant.  Add drug addiction into the crazy mix and all of it has turned me into a stress ball.

Some people would turn to food for comfort.  I turned to fitness, weight lifting and of course spanking when I can get it.

The results so far?  20+ pounds lost.  Lots of fat melted off my body and muscle gain.

That's good. Right?

The problem? My favorite dresses are too BIG! I'll keep wearing them until I am able to replace them with more cute dresses.  Even the clothes I bought this spring are baggy.

I am sad to say goodbye to some of my favorite outfits but I don't want all that weight back.

Right now I am searching for a new gym.  I got spoiled with a larger better equipped gym when I was out of town. Now my little gym just seems lacking.  Two benches in the free weight area is not enough.

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Road Rage

Yep, I have an issue with road rage.  Just a small one but if people wouldn't drive like F@$#ing idiots....

I was driving home from the mall.  A truck flew up on my bumper, flashed his lights, whipped around me and nearly clipping my bumper.

Traffic was heavy.  It was 4:30 and already traffic on the toll road was stopped.  The service road was moving slowly.

That fool scared the crap out of me and I let everyone in the car know.

"F@$#ing idiot! Did you see that? F@$#er needs to learn how to f@$#ing drive. "

A little overboard?  Did I mention that Dragon was on speaker phone? How about this part, it has become a habit.

He threatened to spank my backside!  Lectured me right then and there!  Here I am trying to navigate city traffic getting lectured!  Yipes.

I should have accepted the punishment. After all I did deserve it.  Road Rage and cussing are both against the rules. Somehow I managed to talk my way out of it.

Now I am dealing with guilt....

So is life