Wednesday, September 7, 2016


Several months ago Dragon started giving me a few swats with the belt every morning.  Not hard enough to hurt. Just a few to start the day off right.

After his breakfast and before he put on his belt.  He lifted the hem of my gown and a swung the belt gently.  No pain.

By my mighty K9 protector decided that those swats were a bad thing.  My mighty guard dog wouldn't let Dragon close to me.  Soon I had two dogs standing guard every morning.

They are happy now.  No more morning swats but I sure do miss them.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016


Every day is full of choices.  One of the hardest choices I ever made was to be a stay at home mom.  Yes, a house wife.  It wasn't easy.  To go from full time college student, three jobs and a family, it was a huge change but it is one that I will never regret.

26 years ago I was determined to stand on my own two feet.  No one was going to stand in my way.  No one was going to tell me I wasn't smart enough or good enough.  I faced challenges head on and beat them into the ground!  When one job wasn't enough, I got two more!  I had enough attitude for three people.

Three years later I was a mother and married to my Dragon.  I only had one job but worked long hours.  70 hours a week was normal.  Someone else heard my daughter's first word and it wasn't mommy. Someone else helped her take her first step.  That was hard enough.  One day I was nearly two hours away from home doing my job.  Taking care of someone else's child and my child was sick.

I was done.

It wasn't a decision I made alone.  Dragon told me that it was an option.  Stay home and watch our children grow up.  Be there for them.  Take care of them. Educate them.

Our choice.  It was hard.  We have made sacrifices but it has absolutely been worth it.

Labor day weekend we went to a party.  Another couple decided that I should have a job.  How they knew I am a home maker, I have no idea.  My guess would be vindictive gossip.  First he suggested that I get a job where Dragon works.  They are short handed after all.  The criticism didn't stop there.

The party took an awful turn and never recovered.  Not for me anyway.

These strangers judged me.  They don't know who I am. they don't know why we made the decision we did.  They don't know anything other than nasty, spiteful gossip spread by someone who should know better.

Yes. A boat would be nice and two new cars.  A big house in the best neighborhood and designer clothes.  But I don't need those things.  Even without me working, we could have more material things. But the kids wouldn't have music lessons or play in $$$ sports.  I could stop buying food for the food pantry and never give another church doll away.

I rather live a generous life.  One of giving.  One with fewer regrets.

I know who the gossip is.  I was shocked at how low he stooped this time. (His high school friend was the one giving me a hard time about not working) I have decided to forgive him.  Again. I have decided to let go of my own bitterness and pray for him.  His gossip hurt but other things he did that day nearly put me in the ER.  I am going to pray that he finds a better way to express how he is feeling without hurting others.

A lesson for all of us.  Spite doesn't hurt just one person.  It hurts everyone it touches.  (His wife, my kids, my husband and niece)

Lesson number two.  Forgiveness is healing.  Holding on to the anger gives him power over me that he doesn't deserve.  Forgiveness lets the joy back into my life.

Revenge won't solve the problem.  Only kindness will. The problem may never go away.  I can't change someone else but I don't have to let it change me.

Thank you Dragon for giving me the confidence to stand up to these idiots. Thank you for showing me that I am worth more than that.  Thank you for drying my tears tonight while I worked my way through the emotional mess I have been since the party.  And thank you for loving me just as much as I love you.

Monday, August 15, 2016

I Don't Get It

Back to school celebration photos.  You know the ones.  Mom jumping for joy, kids looking embarrassed, scared, hurt or even laughing.

I enjoy the time I spend with my children.  I get lonely if I don't have at least one kid at my side.  There have been times that I needed a short break but not EVERY DAY! I actually enjoy my kids.  Even teenagers!

I worry about the kids in the photos.  That they are hurt but just hiding it.  What kind of chaos do they live in that spending time away from the kids is a relief for these moms?

I do understand being proud of your kids.  I understand being excited that they are learning and growing into young adults.  I just don't understand these first day of school photos.  They have so much potential to hurt. A mother is expected to love unconditionally.  What are these photos really saying?

No, I won't understand your explanation.  It isn't something I can understand.  This is just food for thought.  Think about it before you do your own staged photo.

Ps.  I hated sending my kids away to school so much I home school.  We started in 1998 and we are still going strong.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Learning Something New

My oldest daughter brought her electric guitar home for me to keep. I don't think she intended for me to keep it forever but....

I really hate seeing an expensive piece of equipment collecting dust.  No one plays it!

A few months ago, I bought a Hal Leanord lesson book, a package of picks and new strings.  Yesterday, I picked it up and started learning.  Now, my other kids are interested in learning!  One string at a time, we are all learning together. One guitar between three people.  My son hasn't shown interest but the girls have.

Lessons of the week.  1. I am capable of learning something new! 2.  The best way to get my teenagers interested in something is to do it!

Sitting around the living room floor, passing the guitar from person to person is the perfect way to spend these miserable hot summer days.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Sawing Logs

Yep.  Dragon snores.

Call it what ever you want but it is truly revolting.  Tonight he sounds like an elephant with a knotted trunk.  Last night he sounded like a dying horse.  My goal every night is to fall asleep before the sound effects get into the dangerous decibel level.

I almost never succeed.

He was a good Dragon and had a sleep study done.  What a surprise! He has sleep apnea.  I tried to tell them!  The fancy test wasn't necessary.  Even the neighbors know he has issues!

"It is treatable." They said.  This machine will put him right to sleep with no snores.

That was several years ago.

This expensive compressor now sits beside the bed gathering dust.

If the pressure is turned up enough to help him, he develops another problem.  I'll tell you about the last time he used that contraption.


He replaced all the parts he could with new. The water reservoir, tubing, mask and filters. He spent some time getting the straps to the mask adjusted just right.  Everything was set to go.  He put the mask on and was out before his head hit the pillow.

And I was still awake.

The snoring wasn't as loud but it was just enough to keep me awake.  Around 1am the farting started.  From fast and short to long and loud.  At 2 he let one loose so loud that it woke him up! He looked so startled, I had to laugh.  He sat up, took off the mask and ran for the bathroom.

That was months ago and he refuses to use the cpap now. I can't blame him.  We set the pressure lower and it does no good.  Increase the pressure just a little and it causes other problems.

Eventually I will fall asleep from exhaustion.  Even with the chainsaw buzzing in my ear. For now, I am going to re-read a favorite book.  I have to see if it ends the same way!

Good night

Sunday, July 31, 2016

My How People Change!

Me!  I have changed!

I was a shy girl who wouldn't defend herself.  Turn the other cheek was drilled into my young brain.  No matter what, don't fight.  Take it and just walk away.

I took a lot of crap in school because of that. Punished at school, get worse at home.  Nothing the bullies could do would make me react. Not even tears.

I'm not that girl any more.

While Dragon was military, I stood toe to toe with anyone who didn't give me my way.  Chief, first sergeant or commander.  It didn't matter.  I was always polite.  I was always respectful but they knew what I thought!

But still. I never tried to defend myself. Not ever.  I couldn't hit a living, breathing person.  I couldn't hurt another person even if they were trying to hurt me.

That has changed!

In the last few months I discovered that I am still afraid of my ex husband. Very afraid and with good reason.

Little shy me is learning how to fight!  Dragon is teaching me how to punch.  How to get out of holds. How to deal with a gun or a knife. I can do this!

Some change is good.  I will not be afraid of a coward.

Thursday, July 28, 2016


Dragon only has two that he enforces.  They both relate to the 4 Rd.
1. Obviously cussing. It is why DD began.  Our marriage nearly ended thanks to the military and a drug called larium.  In the struggle to keep it together my mouth got a little dirty.

2. This is the one I really struggle with.  Seatbelt use.

I just forget to put it on.  I know it is dangerous. In another lifetime I was a paramedic! Why do I keep forgetting?

I am lucky Dragon doesn't really want to punish me.

If the warning bell dings, I get swats.  Dragon usually tells me in a gentle voice to put it on.  He tells me before the truck gets going fast enough to trigger the warning.

Love my man.