Tuesday, June 19, 2018

A New Hobby

Health problems steal my energy.  I just can't do what I did before.  I'm slowly working on endurance.  It is an accomplishment to walk to the mailbox without stopping.  A quarter mile at a slow pace but I can do it.  One baby step at a time.  I decided to learn something new to exercise my mind, just like walking exercises my body.

I have halfway tried to learn the guitar before but nothing clicked.  This time it is.  I may never be any good at it but I won't learn if I don't try. 

My youngest daughter only reads Tab.  The book I'm using doesn't teach tab until the second book.  So we are learning together.  I am learning how to play and she is learning how to read sheet music and apply it to the guitar. 

I picked up my lesson book with the same lesson I had given up on and I could play it!  Everything came right back.  I guess I gave up too soon. 

I'm not sure how far I will get with the guitar but I am going to try.

Sunday, June 10, 2018

The Enemy

It really was food.  Food was slowly killing me and I had no idea. 

I normally eat like a mouse.  Little nibbles of food here and there.  Raw veggies and fruit most of the day and one sit down meal with portions more appropriate for a child. 

But I got hungry.  During the day I ate the fruit and veggies but more of them.  At dinner instead of one small plate of food, I was eating seconds and thirds.  Then would come the purge.  My body would get rid of every bite.  Every night I was vomiting and running to the bathroom.  I learned not to ever trust a fart.  It felt like my intestines were twisting.  Everything hurt. 

Now, without wheat or any kind of gluten in my diet, I feel so much better.  First the bloating went down.  I could button my pants.  The pressure doesn't hurt anymore. 

And this week I noticed that my eating habits are back to normal.  I was only able to eat half a hot dog.  The dogs were very happy to get a few table scraps again. 

I was so hungry before because my body wasn't absorbing any nutrients from the food I was eating.  I ate so much because my body demanded it.  It was confusing because I wasn't gaining weight.  I usually gain weight when I smell food.  That is why I eat mostly raw fruits and veggies.

 I had a snacksident with kale.  Yep.  Just kale. No dressing. 

Off wheat, I am feeling so much better.  I am back to my usual grazing and small meals.  I still get tired very easy but I'm trying to be patient. One trip to the mailbox is about a quarter mile.  I can make it with a few rest stops but I'm trying.  Baby steps. 

Even the brain fog feels like it is lifting. 

Progress.  One day at a time. 

Dragon has been awesome with all of this.  I don't know what I would do without him. 

Monday, June 4, 2018

Fear

After all this time I am still afraid. 

I don't understand. 

I love where our play sends my head. 

I love sub space

But

Getting there is the problem. 

I asked for the belt.  I know I need the tears that only come from the belt but when he takes his belt off I cringe in fear. 

Of my Dragon?

Good grief.  I know he would never hurt me.  My tears don't come from pain.  They come from trust and total relaxation. 

I am not afraid of the belt or the paddle or the whips or the ropes.

I'm afraid of letting go.  My armor falling away.  I am afraid of letting tears fall. Of letting my heart bleed
 

Thursday, May 24, 2018

Growing Up

When you are a teenager 40 is middle-class aged.  60 is old and anything over that is just ancient.  You remember.  Right? 

I'm right in the middle of what I would have called middle aged and I am feeling it. 

One friend had a heart attack.  Then another died from complications of bariatric surgery.  Stroke, gall stones, kidney stones.  And now cancer. 

He is younger than I am.  He has a pre schooler and a daughter that has grown up and moved out.  Last week he landed in the ER with pain beyond anything he could handle.  They kept him all day and eventually told him he had a mass.  That mass was biopsied.  It is cancer. 

A younger cousin got dizzy and passed out at work.  She went to the ER in an ambulance.  They found a goofball sized tumor in her brain.  Her marriage just ended, she is now a single mother and facing brain surgery.  They haven't done a biopsy but they believe it is benign.  We can pray.  That is all any of us can do. 

But there is good too.  My daughter and granddaughter are visiting.  Two of my kids are out of high school and working toward their future.  One in college.  One in trade school.  The oldest almost has her GED.  Dragon had a pay cut but his hours are going to be cut to match. Only working 5 days a week instead of 6.  I am going back to school whenever the school tells me which credits transfer.  I was a junior when I dropped out so I should just have core classes to finish.

I'm worried, sad, excited and optimistic.  I almost feel like a schizophrenic or maybe a hormonal teenager.  Life goes on. 

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Life Got Busy

I thought life would settle down as my kids get older and grow up. 

Nope. 

What was I thinking?  It is even more hectic! 

I got lucky.  My kids don't hate me.  Even as young adults they are respectful, giving and kind.  My oldest is almost done with her GED.  We home school but if they don't do the work, they don't graduate.  The next daughter is in college.  She wants to go to law school!  And the one that just graduated is getting ready to go out of state for school. Yikes!  That leaves one kid still in high school.  It is going by in a blur. 

Now for my big new!  I am going back to college with a new degree plan!  Since the junior college is cheaper, I'm going to take a few of the requirements there.  I have all the basics but a few of my classes didn't transfer.  I need a government class instead of world history and my sign language class won't transfer as a foreign language.  That gives me a chance to get my feet under me before I am in the university going full time.   I have the university picked out. 

I am so nervous.  The application process has begun and my transcripts have been sent.  We shall see how it goes.  The kids were worried about what I would do after they all moved out.  They know now! 

I am excited, nervous, worried.  Can I do this?  I want to get a master's degree.  We shall see! 

Saturday, February 3, 2018

Manipulation

I just thought I introduced spanking into our relationship. 

Nope

Dragon had been swatting my bottom for years before I added a layer to it.  Yes, domestic discipline was my brain child.  Dragon embraced the idea several years after I brought it up.  I developed a potty mouth after a very hard deployment.

He had never give me a long, hard spanking before. I had never experienced sub space but in hind sight, it was actually his idea. 

He flat out told me to expect the paddle tonight.  I don't think it is a punishment but I could be wrong.  I forgot my seatbelt last night. Don't remember how but the warning ding did go off.  He doesn't see anticipation as part of a punishment.  So I often find out I am being punished several swats into a session. 

That's okay.  I can't talk my way out of it with my red, bare bottom on display. 

Even a punishment is peppered with compliments.  And for some reason, he has to show me what my very red bottom does to him.  Could be my how my own body reacts, even if my head takes a few minutes it process everything.

Update on the diet changes.  Gluten still sneaks by us occasionally.  The fries at my favorite bar are battered.  Oops. 

Dragon found the gluten free section at our little grocery store.  I have been avoiding all bread products all week and he brings home a selection of treats.  The brownies are yummy.  So are the cookies and rice crackers.  Biscuits and gravy for breakfast in the morning.  We shall see....

Why does anything labeled gluten free have to cost $$$$?  Blag

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Food

Food seems to be my enemy.  Every time I eat I get sick.  If I eat the whole foods I love I'm fine but nothing processed.  The only common food we could come up with was bread. 

I feel like I am following a fad but I am trying to go gluten free for a few weeks to see if it helps. 

Things I have discovered
* Gluten free bread is nasty
* Gluten free does not mean allergen free
   (The breakfasts muffins gave me hives)
* Gluten is in more foods than I realized.
* Reading every label is a pain in the backside.

Don't know if it is working or not.  I'm still finding gluten in food after I eat it. Oops

Another food we can try to eliminate is soy.  That one is even harder but we are trying soy first. 

* it is helpful to list foods I can have.
*  If I list foods I can't have, I start feeling deprived. 

Fingers crossed. We need answers.