Sunday, April 29, 2012

Sexuality and self acceptance

As a teenager, I thought something was wrong with me.  The girls around me were all boy crazy and talked about cute buts and how hot this guy was.  My thoughts?  YUCK!  I thought boys dressed neater and weren't expected to follow every trend.  A simple button down shirt with slacks or jeans.  Neat.  To the point.  But I had no interest in them.  NONE

There were no other options.  Girls date boys, get married and have kids.  Some work.  Some stay home.  Fact of life.  No other options.  Unless you wanted to be an old maid, never get married and teach school.  I thought I was frigid.  That something was wrong with how God made me.  It couldn't be right.

Fast forward several years.  22 years old and on my honeymoon with Dragon.  We were driving down to Orlando, Florida for a few days at the Disney resort.  All along the interstate were billboards advertising adult novelty stores and we started talking.  Sex, toys, bondage and {gasp} girls.

Yes, he had noticed.  A cut guy couldn't turn my head no matter now hard he flexed those muscles but a girl in a tight pair of jeans?  Oh yes.   He declared me to be a leg lady.  Legs and a shapely figure could turn my head and fast.

And so began my journey to self acceptance.  Was I born this way or did life condition me to be this way?  Surely God hated me.  I didn't fit into the narrow stereotype that southern girls should fit into.  Married to a man.  That is good but this thing with girls?  Nope.  I was a freak.

It took years.  What finally changed my mind?  After the rumor started flying among the church gossips, my children were excluded from activities.  People who were friends before gave us the cold shoulder.  They were polite but not friendly.  It took a while but I found out why.  They hear a rumor that was lesbian.  Instead of asking, they assumed it was true.  I was in a marriage that had lasted longer than any relationship most of them had been in.  Most of them were divorced or separated.  I had never had sex with a woman.  Never.  Still haven't but the damage was done.

They couldn't see that God loves me too.  That we all sin.  Their minds were closed in hate and judgment.  I left and haven't been able to set foot on another church.  The damage was done.  But I think it was a good thing.  It was the first time I really read the Bible and looked at the verses on homosexuality.  And you know what?  Those verses were specific.  Man with man as with woman.  Time after time.  Yep, it is another double standard in the Bible.  Nothing in the Bible said I was dirty or bad.  Everything said that God loves me and that Jesus died on the cross for my sin.  I couldn't even find a verse that said any of it was even a sin.    I prayed about it and looked some more.  Was I trying to see something that wasn't there?

I talked to people outside of the church.  Some christian and some not.  I began to open up about my faith with more people.  My faith became something I wasn't ashamed of, even as I began to accept my sexuality.      I still can't find a church home.  I find too much hate behind those closed doors and no Christ like love.  But spiritually, I am in a better place.  My faith is on firm ground.  And I do think I have a better understand of Christ like love that most.

Dragon told me years ago that if I wanted a girl friend, I could have one.  He didn't even ask to watch like most men would.  He simply wanted to know about her.  No secrets.  I haven't been brave enough to reach out for that female touch I crave but one day I will.  I'll do it with Dragons blessing.

This morning I had planed to write about the practice of fisting.  I love the feeling of Dragons fist inside of me but when I did an internet search for information to post, I found a web page that distracted me from my intended post.

http://www.sexinchrist.com/fist.html

This one page is about fisting but there are others that I found interesting.  An alternative interpretation of the Bible.  No, I don't agree with everything they said but there it is for you to read.  Make up your own mind.  And remember God is love.  God does not teach us to hate or to judge.  

3 comments:

  1. I hate to burst your bubble, but that website isn't "real", but a parody. When they lay the "proper groundwork" for a Christian threesome, you realize that someone is pulling your leg.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are entitled to your opinion of course. And as I stated, I don't agree with everything on the web page. Get you head out of your ass and please don't clog up my blog with "anonymous" comments.

      It took me years to realize that God loves me just the way I am. He made me and He is the one who will stand in judgement of us all.

      Delete
  2. This is the only time I've been to your website. Thanks for posting more details.
    My website ; sexuality couselling melbourne

    ReplyDelete