July 1 1990

My tears fell that day.  My daddy passed away during the night and no one thought to tell me.  They wanted to wait until morning.  No one told me he had lapsed into a coma.  I had no idea.

My mom showed up before I was even out of bed.  I worked late into the night and was not ready to start my day.  She told me that my step mom had called her.  I blew her off.  She told me daddy was gone.  I blew her off again.

Nope.  Daddy isn't gone.  He is going to go into remission one more time.  He said so.

My mind couldn't accept that he was gone.  That he died in a hospital bed with me in a different state.

Then the mother of all family drama followed.  The nastiness that I have learned to expect from my family.  I was caught in the middle.  And my tears fell even harder.

I spent the first and second of July on the phone trying to figure out the funeral plans.  No one would tell me.  I had to track his body from the hospital morgue to the transport company, an airport, another transport company and finally to the funeral home.  I could tell that the funeral director had been told not to give me any information but his self respect got in the way.  He couldn't see keeping an 18 year old girl away from her fathers funeral.  I found out when and where.

My mother made arrangements to go with me.  All the while my step father threatened to report me as a runaway and a car thief.  Such a lovely family I have.

On the morning of the third, me and mom set out for on the long drive to go to the funeral.  Stocked up with bags of chips, a cooler full of soda, sandwich fixin's and coffee.  We took turns driving.

On the forth, I said good bye.  The man in the coffin didn't look like my strong daddy.  Bald as an egg, pale and swollen from the steroids and chemo therapy.  I sat in the very back of the chapel.  At the cemetery I stood beside a tree away from everyone else as I struggle to stay composed.  Ladies do not cry in public.  Nope.  Not ever.  A lady always shows a composed face no matter how feels inside.

It has been a long time and I still miss him.  Thinking about him still brings tears to my eyes.

Daddy, I love you.