Some of you probably already know but here it goes anyway. I have issues with food. Most people live to eat. I simply eat to live. I eat because I have to. I eat because I have a husband that makes me. I look at my body and it makes me sad. The refection in the mirror lies to me, according to my husband. Reflected back in my eyes is a fat, ugly blob. I can’t be too thin. I can’t be too small in my eyes.
I still have the jeans I wore on the day of our wedding. Size 2. That was a 2 seventeen years ago. Much smaller than a 2 today. My hip bones jutted out and held them up. The denim sagged around my skeletal body. I can see it in hind sight. The emaciated girl in those photos is a stranger to me. Even then I though I was fat. Always with 5-10 pounds to loose. Not sure where now.
That was then. This is now.
Ana does not go away. She is always there. Her voice louder at times and quiet others. Right now she is screaming in my ears. Every bite of food that enters my mouth is a source of guilt. Every ounce of fat on my body is a reason to call myself a failure.
Hunger feels good. It is the feeling of success. It means that I have hidden ana from my family. No one knows I have skipped a meal. They don’t realize that I haven’t eaten in two day.
Problem is, I am married to Dragon. Or…. Would that be a good thing? He never overlooks skipped meals. He knows when I haven’t eaten. He knows my tricks at the dinner table. He stares me down until I have enough to make him happy. He will let me enjoy freedom for a few days but when I start getting dizzy and sick, he puts it to a stop every time.
He always realizes Ana is shouting before I do. He won’t tell me how he recognizes her and he doesn’t openly acknowledge that I am having food issues again. He fixes my plate. He prepares food he knows I will eat. I hear praise every second of the day. He tells me that I am beautiful and sexy.
Where would I be without him? Truthfully I don’t know. Probably in some hospital getting nutrition in an IV bag or NG tube. He makes sure I eat. When he has to be away from home, my weight drops like a rock and feel like a million bucks…. Until he gets home and I see the hurt in his eyes. Then all I feel is shame that I can’t be perfect no matter what I do.
I keep trying. I keep living. Pushing on every day. Today I had breakfast for the first time this week and I will probably have lunch too. My body won’t know to react. All that food in one day? I hope I can keep it down. I hate getting sick in public restrooms but my tummy just won’t hold much food anymore. It is like a gastric bypass without the surgery. That is what nearly 20 years of Ana will do to you.
Dragon will watch after me. He will make sure I get just enough to eat. He will keep my weight going in the direction he wants it to go. No worries from my friends in blog land. I will not get my way on this. Ana’s voice will slowly grow quiet again.
I still have the jeans I wore on the day of our wedding. Size 2. That was a 2 seventeen years ago. Much smaller than a 2 today. My hip bones jutted out and held them up. The denim sagged around my skeletal body. I can see it in hind sight. The emaciated girl in those photos is a stranger to me. Even then I though I was fat. Always with 5-10 pounds to loose. Not sure where now.
That was then. This is now.
Ana does not go away. She is always there. Her voice louder at times and quiet others. Right now she is screaming in my ears. Every bite of food that enters my mouth is a source of guilt. Every ounce of fat on my body is a reason to call myself a failure.
Hunger feels good. It is the feeling of success. It means that I have hidden ana from my family. No one knows I have skipped a meal. They don’t realize that I haven’t eaten in two day.
Problem is, I am married to Dragon. Or…. Would that be a good thing? He never overlooks skipped meals. He knows when I haven’t eaten. He knows my tricks at the dinner table. He stares me down until I have enough to make him happy. He will let me enjoy freedom for a few days but when I start getting dizzy and sick, he puts it to a stop every time.
He always realizes Ana is shouting before I do. He won’t tell me how he recognizes her and he doesn’t openly acknowledge that I am having food issues again. He fixes my plate. He prepares food he knows I will eat. I hear praise every second of the day. He tells me that I am beautiful and sexy.
Where would I be without him? Truthfully I don’t know. Probably in some hospital getting nutrition in an IV bag or NG tube. He makes sure I eat. When he has to be away from home, my weight drops like a rock and feel like a million bucks…. Until he gets home and I see the hurt in his eyes. Then all I feel is shame that I can’t be perfect no matter what I do.
I keep trying. I keep living. Pushing on every day. Today I had breakfast for the first time this week and I will probably have lunch too. My body won’t know to react. All that food in one day? I hope I can keep it down. I hate getting sick in public restrooms but my tummy just won’t hold much food anymore. It is like a gastric bypass without the surgery. That is what nearly 20 years of Ana will do to you.
Dragon will watch after me. He will make sure I get just enough to eat. He will keep my weight going in the direction he wants it to go. No worries from my friends in blog land. I will not get my way on this. Ana’s voice will slowly grow quiet again.
This could have been my post, I also "eat to live", and struggle with every mouthful. It hasn't been an issue for many years thanks to my husband. But as you said it never goes away, and its been trying to rear its ugly head again. Somedays the only thing of nutritive value I put in me is the creamer in my coffee. Be well friend.
ReplyDeleteI want you to know I very much so appreciate your post. I know you don't like to talk about it. It's so hard for me too. Thank you for your supportive words earlier and thank you again for this post. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteMy daughter had Anorexia nervosa (diagnosed) but recovered her weight with a re-feeding program at home.
ReplyDeleteShe had a distorted body image, and that didn't begin to change until months after she had regained her normal weight. Recovery takes time. It's been several years now since she was underweight, and she no longer obsesses about her body or food.
However, she still is on prescribed antidepressants and still checks in with her psychiatrist every 3 months. I think she is truly on the mend and expect the Dr. will wean her off the meds sometime in the coming year.
Please don't give up hope of full recovery. I say this to you and to your readers. With time and help, people can heal from eating disorders. It is wonderful that you have help and encouragement to seek to eat healthfully.
Oops. Make that nearly 30 years of Ana. I ate today and my body tried hard to reject it. The food was too rich. Not the bland toast and crackers I eat on my own. I’m not sure my body knew what to do with it. Since I ate twice today, Dragon let me skip supper. Crackers and cup of hot tea to settle my tummy before bed.
ReplyDeletefaerie, I think this is true for more woman that just the ones who admit it or those that seek help. So many women live in the shadow of ana and wonder what is wrong with them.
Emi, you are welcome. This post was for you but it was for me too. I needed to see that ana is back. I have been denying the problem for a while.
To my anonymous poster. Please watch her. You never know when Ana will start screaming in her ear again. She is lucky to have people in her life that care enough to help.
Rose, that's a hard struggle. I am glad Dragon helps you. I assume you have been through treatment for this eating disorger? Do you think it would help to talk to a professional again? Sara
ReplyDeleteSara, Thank you for your concern. I haven’t had much luck with “professional” help. Tried it. Didn’t work. REFUSE to go back. It would probably help if I had some trust in the “professions” but I don’t. Dragons methods work. He keeps me healthy and on the right track. That is what matters.
ReplyDeleteI am back in my sewing room churning out project after project. That is a good sign. Even with Ana screaming in my ears, my weight is steady. No loss, no gain. I call it the Dragon effect. He is always there. Always watching.