Tuesday, May 15, 2012

What was I thinking?

Life is very stressful right now.  It is at times like this that I fall apart and Dragon is more likely to drop the ball.  What is a subie wife to do?  I asked him to step it up.  I reminded him that he will be home 24/7 for a while.  No job does that.  He will be home until he finds a job.

I asked him to up the intensity.  He is reluctant to punish.  He makes sure I deserve it before the paddle meets my backside.  Sometimes I think the talk before the spanking is worse than the spanking.  but only until the paddle hits my backside.  Then I change my mind.  The paddle is worse!  I asked him to enforce the rules we have.  Not to look for a reason to spank but to make sure there are consequences when a rule is broken.

Right now my struggle is not to brat.  I want to test him to see if he is really going to do it.  I want the security I have when I know he is in charge.  No, I don't want a punishment but I do.  Mixed up and crazy I know.  My world simply feels more balanced when he is fully into HOH space.

We both know the rules.  He hates door slamming.  He hates it when I walk out on a fight.  Then there is the ever present seat belt rule.  And the "be nice to his mom" rule.  Ohhh.  I hate that one!

Time for me to get busy if I am to avoid a punishment today.

  1. distancing - this one isn't much of an issue.  The big this is not to walk out on a fight.  Resolve the issue. Don't stomp off and slam the door
  2. Dangerous - Seat belt usage is #1 here.  Keeping albuterol with me and the epi pins.  I like to breath so this one isn't that hard to do.  Keeping my service dog with me when I go for a walk.  
  3. Disobedience -  This one is related to depression and stress.  I'm really good at procrastinating too.   If I can put it off long enough I can use my poor memory as an excuse.  Right? It works most of the time....
  4. Disrespect -  Back to the slamming door thing and shaming him or the kids in public.  
  5. Dishonesty - This is a bigger issue than Dragon knows.  I need to work on this one.  When he catches me, the punishment is not fun.  The challenge here is for Dragon to trust his instincts and call bull.  


  1. good luck to you both. I was like that until he made me realize that, that was me trying to control everything including him. I had to stop and just worry about my role and let him take care of his, in his time, in his way. I hope it works out for you both. Good luck on the job front to him.

    1. I'm not topping from the bottom. Dragon would never allow that. We are both under a lot of strain right now. He knows he has the last word.

  2. I don't think you are mixed up and crazy at all. Sometimes I can feel myself working up to a punishment. I actually want to poke the bear. I know it's bratting so I don't do it, but it takes all my willpower to not push him when I need to feel his strength.

    I guess I'm hoping that we are pretty normal...

    1. I am struggling not to brat. That never ends the way I want it too. We both do better when he is in charge. Hopefully, with a little encouragement, we can both stay on track.