I asked him to up the intensity. He is reluctant to punish. He makes sure I deserve it before the paddle meets my backside. Sometimes I think the talk before the spanking is worse than the spanking. but only until the paddle hits my backside. Then I change my mind. The paddle is worse! I asked him to enforce the rules we have. Not to look for a reason to spank but to make sure there are consequences when a rule is broken.
Right now my struggle is not to brat. I want to test him to see if he is really going to do it. I want the security I have when I know he is in charge. No, I don't want a punishment but I do. Mixed up and crazy I know. My world simply feels more balanced when he is fully into HOH space.
We both know the rules. He hates door slamming. He hates it when I walk out on a fight. Then there is the ever present seat belt rule. And the "be nice to his mom" rule. Ohhh. I hate that one!
Time for me to get busy if I am to avoid a punishment today.
- distancing - this one isn't much of an issue. The big this is not to walk out on a fight. Resolve the issue. Don't stomp off and slam the door
- Dangerous - Seat belt usage is #1 here. Keeping albuterol with me and the epi pins. I like to breath so this one isn't that hard to do. Keeping my service dog with me when I go for a walk.
- Disobedience - This one is related to depression and stress. I'm really good at procrastinating too. If I can put it off long enough I can use my poor memory as an excuse. Right? It works most of the time....
- Disrespect - Back to the slamming door thing and shaming him or the kids in public.
- Dishonesty - This is a bigger issue than Dragon knows. I need to work on this one. When he catches me, the punishment is not fun. The challenge here is for Dragon to trust his instincts and call bull.