I fell apart but I was lucky. I had a wonderful church family, ballet classes for the kids, music classes, ladies bible study and a great First Sargent to turn to. I kept busy in a set routine. Every week the same as the last. My world had been shaken and turned upside down. It wasn't the first deployment and it wasn't even the first one to a dangerous location. I'm not sure why this one was so much harder than the others but it was.
Here is the journal entry that has been shared over and over again.
******
I hate airports. They are places of tears. My body shakes as I try to control them. Then I look at my children and I see their hearts breaking. My own tears fall….He sees my tears and his iron grip of control begins to slip. People turn away. They can’t stand to see our pain. They know where he is going. They know we are left behind. I stand at the window watching the plane pull away from the gate. Walk that lonely walk back to the car. The drive home seems longer than ever. The house does not feel like home.
My best friend, my husband, the father of children has left. I don’t know where he is going. Don’t want to know. More questions than answers. When will he come home? Will he come home? How do I survive? He is my life. He is everything. I am me because he is with me. No more watching or reading the news. Not even just to read the headlines. Routine. Step by step each day I learn to survive. Run, breakfast, cut grass, shower, lunch, clean, check email, walk the dog. Same thing every day moving in a daze. I am afraid to hope.
At the airport again. The seasons have changed. But then so have I. I stand at the arrival gate waiting for a stranger. He is my husband and the father of my children. My tears fall once again. I am nervous and afraid. Will he really come home this time. Will everything be the same? I hope so. There he is. I see him. He has cut his hair again, his skin is darker, his eyes are different. I expect his hug to feel the same but it doesn’t. He walks ahead of me much faster than I can keep up to get to the luggage pickup. I know I should understand why but I don’t and he can’t explain. We are strangers again.
My best friend, my husband, the father of children has left. I don’t know where he is going. Don’t want to know. More questions than answers. When will he come home? Will he come home? How do I survive? He is my life. He is everything. I am me because he is with me. No more watching or reading the news. Not even just to read the headlines. Routine. Step by step each day I learn to survive. Run, breakfast, cut grass, shower, lunch, clean, check email, walk the dog. Same thing every day moving in a daze. I am afraid to hope.
At the airport again. The seasons have changed. But then so have I. I stand at the arrival gate waiting for a stranger. He is my husband and the father of my children. My tears fall once again. I am nervous and afraid. Will he really come home this time. Will everything be the same? I hope so. There he is. I see him. He has cut his hair again, his skin is darker, his eyes are different. I expect his hug to feel the same but it doesn’t. He walks ahead of me much faster than I can keep up to get to the luggage pickup. I know I should understand why but I don’t and he can’t explain. We are strangers again.
A Military Wife
*****
The day he stepped off that plane, we were both a little lost. The things he saw over there changed him in a way I couldn't understand. It took us a while to figure out that it was PTSD and even longer to learn how to live with it. It wasn't an easy journey. Prayer, God and two people determined to figure things out.
He has deployed since. That wasn't his last trip to the sand box but now, he won't ever have to go again. He is RETIRED!
Yes, that is why we are job hunting. This has been a stressful transition but I have faith. It will all work out.
Please, this memorial day, remember that it isn't National BBQ day or decorate the cemetery day. It is a day to remember those who have given everything to protect our freedoms. Thank a Veteran. Thank the widow of a Veteran. Remember why we have Memorial Day.
Ps, I never intended to share Strangers, it was a private journal entry. I didn't even share with Dragon for a few years. But he said that it may help others dealing with the affects of war. Feel free to share Strangers but ask that you give credit to only "A Military Wife" There are so many women on this earth who could have written that same JE.
Oh DR, Thank you, thank you, thank you. And especially THANK YOU to Dragon for his service.
ReplyDeleteI was crying before I even got to the journal entry. My youngest brother is career military and has been deployed several times. I fly my flag proudly and have since the day I owned my home and had a place to fly it. I fly it in honor of all the men and women and families that sacrifice for our freedom.
Have I great weekend, I have to go find a tissue now.
I'm sorry I made you cry. I guess I should have put a tissue warning at the top of the post. Oops. Thank you very much for the respect you show for those who have given all.
DeleteHope you have a great weekend.
Crying...I feel the same. I miss my Daddy more than words can say. It's a horrid, hollow feeling. I try to be brave because I want him to be proud and most of the time I can beat back the fear and the tears and the ache that just wants to wrench itself from my throat.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that people fail to understand, they don't have to agree with why we are anywhere we are engaged. But they do have to show gratitude to the men and women who every day go places that would decimate other people. Men and women who are willing to sacrifice their lives because their sense of honor is that great. Men and women who believe with all their hearts in this country, and you and I, and believe that their actions protect us. They are earnest and honorable.
Long before I had Daddy, I did and taught my children to approach and thank military personnel when they saw them. They fight for you. How proud was I when my oldest was playing in the community pool with a child whose Dad came over and included my son in their games. He asked him what his job was and the man said "I'm a soldier", and my (at the time) 5 year old son stood, shook his hand and said, "Sir, thank you for your service." He cried and so did I.
My thanks to Dragon, you and your children for your service - they who are left behind also serve.
Aww dang June, that made me cry too. Big THANK YOU to Ward for his service. Hang in there honey, you are doing a great job. Ward is proud of you.
DeleteThanks, faerie, I sure hope so, my friend.
DeleteThank you for what you do June. The life of a military spouse is one of constant sacrifice. Too many people don't understand that. The kids too. They are some of the strongest kids out there.
DeleteI have had my turn being a military spouse. Now it is my turn to give back to those who are still serving and to help the widows get back on their feet. I have had so much help in the years Dragon has served. It is only fair to return the favor.
And yes, in the military, the soldiers fight even if they don't agree with the cause. It is called honor. Even if we don't agree with the why, say thank you for their sacrifice. Understand that sometimes our government knows more than the media does. Also understand that the media gets it wrong 90% of the time.
Dragon's Rose, that post was amazing! It brought up so many emotions and made me feel like I was there watching the scene play out. Thank you for sharing it! My sister went to Afghanistan in 2010. She came home with PTSD as well and hasn't been the same since. My heart goes out to all those who fight for our countries (we are Canadian) God Bless you both!
ReplyDeleteAbby, thank you for your kind words and thank your sister for her service too. Whether American or Canadian we fight for the same cause!
DeleteDragon says that he appreciates the Canadian. So a big thank you from my Dragon too.
Dragon's Rose, Thank you for your essay "Strangers". on this year's Memorial Day. Freedom is priceless, I know this because in my past, I am a 'Holocaut Survivor', thank's to wonderful husband's, like your's.
ReplyDeletePeople living in a peaceful country, who are untouched by war and genocide don't always understand why we do what we do. You have a better understanding than most. Thank you.
DeleteThis was very touching Dragons Rose. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteDee x
Thank you Dee
DeleteThe year Dragon was in Afghanistan I filled my journal from cover to cover. Strangers was the first entry. I wrote the first paragraph the day he left. The second at what I thought would be the half way mark. (he left early and came home late) The last entry was written on a tear stained page after I realized he was truly a stranger again.
ReplyDeleteWe had to start over after every deployment. Date and get to know each other again. The longer he was gone, the harder it was. I am very happy that chapter of our lives is over.
From a Canadian soldier to you... thank YOU for your family's sacrifices so that your soldier did what he did in the name of freedom for all. Know that you are not alone in your battles with PTSD and that by breaking the silence you may have helped someone else reach out.
ReplyDeleteDeployments are hard... very hard... perhaps the hardest thing you ever experience as a married couple. You and the Dragon are struggling to maintain your relationship and it will be stronger as a result. Never give up. Keep reaching for those special connections that keep you feeling safe with each other.
Thank you for your service Canadian Soldier! It takes all of us to keep our countries safe. Dragon gives a special thanks to all of our allies he has served with.
DeleteWe are slowly adjusting to civilian life. One day at a time. PTSD is still there. Panic attacks, flash backs and anger. We take it one day at a time. I survive by telling myself that it will get better with time. I love my Dragon with all my heart. I wish I could take this pain away.