A Hard Week

One of my husbands cousins passed away this week.  A healthy 48 year old father, grandfather and minister taken so very fast.  In less than two weeks he went from not feeling good to multiple organ failure on a ventilator.  

Family means the deep south.  Georgia, Alabama, Florida, Mississippi, Tennessee, Louisiana and Texas.  We are over 2000 miles away.  A 30 plus hour drive.  With Dragon unemployed, that isn't going to happen.  The separation can be hard at times.  

Add the distance to the face book drama and you have a mess.  When I first got my account I friended most of our family.  His family and mine.  My family is crazy, I know that but my family looks normal in comparison.  That I don't get along with MIL is common knowledge.  As soon as I disagree with her, her side of the family jumps ship.  

The only ones that stuck around are the ones who don't like MIL.  BLAG!  

Since FB is our major source of information about family happenings, those simple unfriending clicks turned into a major inconvenience for us.  We were getting information hours old, second and third hand.  Not very nice people.  Just because you don't like me, you pull us out of the information loop?  

What?  

Oh well.  

I have decided to try again.  

I talked to Dragon first about who I could try again with.  Kill them with kindness? Maybe this will change their minds about me.  Those who stuck around sure have.  

Dragon told me one person was off limits.  He said that I have tried enough.  If I send MIL a friend request I will get the punishment of all punishments.  A Barn Burner of epic proportions.  

Yes, I did consider sending her one before the threat.  She isn't worth that kind of spanking.  Nope, no way.  When she came for Dragons retirement last moth she was nasty to me.  I was nothing but polite and courteous.  She was just waiting for an excuse to jump all over me.  HA!  I didn't give her one.  Dragon didn't even need to threaten me with the paddles.  

What now?  When we are forced to be in the same room, I will continue to be polite.  No matter how ugly she is, I will remain kind.  The next offer of friendship comes from her.  

FYI

Or should that be For my own information?  Last night Dragon listed off three times this week that I should have gotten a punishment.  Only one of those comes to mind now.

I stripped the bed while he was away from home.  Sheets, blankets, pillow cases and bed spread.  I wanted everything washed.  First I washed the red pillow shames.  They have to hang to dry and take the longest.  My plan was to wash the sheets next.

Dragon came home........

He had no problem with my plan for the day.  He even helped.  He put the sheets AND the bedspread into the washer.  That is way too much to fit into our washer.  And I grumped.  Then I found out he put bleach in the washer.  And I berated him like a naughty two year old.  I wanted them washed with vinegar and baking soda.

Oops.

"That's enough of that now."

I know better.  I know when I hear those words to shut UP but I didn't.  I had a full head of steam and was moving forward like an unstoppable locomotive.

He sat there and listened, tight lipped and didn't say a word.  It wasn't until he had two more bratty outbursts to add to the list that he shared it with me.

"FYI, I'm watching you.  Don't think you will get away with anything else for a while."

Oh my.  What have I gotten myself into?

Not even my bruised bottom will bet me out of a punishment.  Yikes!

A giggle report and punishment

Oops.  I forgot to take my panties off last nigh.  No the punishment isn't a spanking.  No where near.  Since Dragon is home ALL day, he had a different sort of punishment in mind.  He is keeping me on the edge of O.  No release.  No chance to sneak in an O on my own.  Just torture and building.  Miserable.

As delicious as this is, I don't think I'll forget to take my panties off tonight.

And what is a Giggle report?  It is kinda like a scene report but instead of subspace, I got the giggles.  Oh well.  Neither one of us called it a fail  Dragon laughed so hard he went beat read.  How can it be a fail if we both had fun and laughed so hard?

Strangers

In honor of Memorial day I am posting Strangers.  It is a journal entry I began when my husband left for Afghanistan.  I was so very afraid.  The military had given us a date for him to leave.  Knowing what they do and how reliable their dates are, we planed for a date a full month earlier.  We got the word a month before that date that he was to leave the very next week.

I fell apart but I was lucky.  I had a wonderful church family, ballet classes for the kids, music classes, ladies bible study and a great First Sargent to turn to.  I kept busy in a set routine.  Every week the same as the last.  My world had been shaken and turned upside down.  It wasn't the first deployment and it wasn't even the first one to a dangerous location.  I'm not sure why this one was so much harder than the others but it was.  

Here is the journal entry that has been shared over and over again.  

******

I hate airports. They are places of tears. My body shakes as I try to control them. Then I look at my children and I see their hearts breaking. My own tears fall….He sees my tears and his iron grip of control begins to slip. People turn away. They can’t stand to see our pain. They know where he is going. They know we are left behind. I stand at the window watching the plane pull away from the gate. Walk that lonely walk back to the car. The drive home seems longer than ever. The house does not feel like home. 

My best friend, my husband, the father of children has left. I don’t know where he is going. Don’t want to know. More questions than answers. When will he come home? Will he come home? How do I survive? He is my life. He is everything. I am me because he is with me. No more watching or reading the news. Not even just to read the headlines. Routine. Step by step each day I learn to survive. Run, breakfast, cut grass, shower, lunch, clean, check email, walk the dog. Same thing every day moving in a daze. I am afraid to hope. 

At the airport again. The seasons have changed. But then so have I. I stand at the arrival gate waiting for a stranger. He is my husband and the father of my children. My tears fall once again. I am nervous and afraid. Will he really come home this time. Will everything be the same? I hope so. There he is. I see him. He has cut his hair again, his skin is darker, his eyes are different. I expect his hug to feel the same but it doesn’t. He walks ahead of me much faster than I can keep up to get to the luggage pickup. I know I should understand why but I don’t and he can’t explain. We are strangers again. 

A Military Wife

*****

The day he stepped off that plane, we were both a little lost.  The things he saw over there changed him in a way I couldn't understand.  It took us a while to figure out that it was PTSD and even longer to learn how to live with it.  It wasn't an easy journey.  Prayer, God and two people determined to figure things out.  

He has deployed since.  That wasn't his last trip to the sand box but now, he won't ever have to go again.  He is RETIRED!  

Yes, that is why we are job hunting.  This has been a stressful transition but I have faith.  It will all work out.  

Please, this memorial day, remember that it isn't National BBQ day or decorate the cemetery day.  It is a day to remember those who have given everything to protect our freedoms.  Thank a Veteran.  Thank the widow of a Veteran.  Remember why we have Memorial Day.  

Ps, I never intended to share Strangers, it was a private journal entry.  I didn't even share with Dragon for a few years.  But he said that it may help others dealing with the affects of war.  Feel free to share Strangers but ask that you give credit to only "A Military Wife"  There are so many women on this earth who could have written that same JE.  

Panties

A few nights ago, I decided to surprise Dragon.  When I got ready for bed, I crawled into bed without panties. I decided to please my man and sleep without any.  He was so pleased, I haven't worn panties at night since.  In the past I had found it uncomfortable but now, seeing how pleased he is, a little discomfort is worth it.

And you know what?

Only the first few nights were mildly uncomfortable.   Last night sleeping with a bare bottom felt normal.  I think sleeping with panties would feel restrictive now.  I like feeling his body against my skin.  I like waking up to his hand cupping my most secret place.  Intimate like nothing else I have ever experienced.

Going without panties started as a one night adventure.  I think it is turning into the norm.

So what about the day time?  Yes, I still want my panties during the day but with a twist.  Since Dragon is home every day for now I asked him to choose which ones he wants me to wear.  Yesterday he choose white cotton comfies.  This morning he choose a cute buttercup yellow thong.  Not something I would normally pick out.  He buys thongs and they get pushed to the back of my pantie box.  Knowing that he picked it out, I will wear them with a smile.  A little uncomfortable but that is ok.

Sleeping without panties was uncomfortable at first but now it feels normal.  I wonder if thongs will be the same way?  I love the effect this has had on my Dragon.  This morning, when I asked for a few swats, he jumped at the opportunity!  I picked the plexi-glass paddle and he gave me a nice wake up spanking.

Yes, I am purring even wearing uncomfortable panties.

Oh Crap

Ever have an oh crap moment?  The one where you husband suddenly embraces something you thought was off the table?

You know from a previous post that ginger is being used for play again after a long absence.  He had been teasing me for weeks about buying some.  Finally I relented and asked for it.  After all a subbie wife lives to please her husband.  Yes?  The scene with the ginger ended with mixed reviews from both of us but we decided the ginger part was fantastic.  I know there is more ginger hiding out in the kitchen somewhere.  Who knows when Dragon will surprise me with another finger in a very private place.

Yesterday he surprised me with something else.

You, my blogging friends, know that I am asthmatic and allergic to almost everything.  When we go out i carry a bag with things we might need.  Epi pins, albuterol and antihistamines.  Every mom needs a camera and I carry a small backpack tarp for trips to the park.

Dragon wants me to add one more item to my already over stuffed bag.  It isn't anything big but I will be much happier when I can forget about it.  Even happier when Dragon forgets about it too!

Icy Hot!

I am sure you have read about silent spankings on other blogs or web pages.  Capsasin cream smeared over the bottom is usually mentioned.  That isn't good enough for Dragon.  The gentile warming sensation of something I have used most of my life for muscle soreness just won't do.   Oh no, not Dragon.  He puts the Icy Hot on a much more sensitive area.  My clitoris.

Wowza that stuff burns there.  Talk about lighting your tail on fire.  Yikes.  Tooth paste works too but it can be wiped off and the burn goes away almost instantly.  Icy Hot sticks around.  You are committed to it until it wears off.  And it feels like it takes FOREVER!

He brought this up, not me.  Now I am worried.  What else will he be adding to TTWD?  Corner time?  More frequent punishment?  I sure hope not.  I like getting away with almost everything naughty.  I will find out when it happens I guess.

You can find me hiding under the bed with my collection of dust bunnies.


And for the question of the day?  Why did I get all hot and bothered when he mentioned this?  Sigh.  I must be a glutton for punishment.  Pun intended....

the reward?

It sure didn't feel very rewarding to me. It felt like he was following a script and we were the actors moving on puppet strings. He knows how to rock my world. I don't know what went wrong. Stress maybe? Today is his first day with out a job. We have several monthes with a pay check but no job. Praying, trying to help. I am hanging on by my fingernails. One day at a time. Breath

PS.  We talked latter.  The ginger was good.  VERY good.  Not the unpleasant burning it was last time.  I was surprised that I actually enjoyed it.  Being taken with the burn of the ginger still lingering was even better.  I think we both felt a little off and couldn't get into the scene but I think it has great potential.  We are going to call this a dress rehearsal and try that again.  I am already craving the burn and fullness again.

Yep, she hates me

The M-I-L that is but you know what?  I don't care.  A few times she would stop talking mid word.  She was about to get ugly.  I was surprised that she stopped until I looked up and saw the look my F-I-L just gave her. She learned this trip that Dragon has PTSD.  Not sure how she took that.  But now she knows why her son is so different.

I have had time to adjust to the changes as they have happened over the years.  She never gave him the chance.  Blamed me, got mad and closed the door to any contact with us.  The changes in Dragon weren't sudden.  A baby died in his care.  Bombs exploding Christmas day.  A car accident that decapitates 4 people.  These things changed him in ways I have a hard time understanding.  It hasn't been easy for me and he talks to me a little.  He hasn't shared any of this with anyone else.  I am his sounding board, his therapist, his lover and friend.  How can we expect her to accept the changes when she doesn't understand the why.

Now she knows the why.

Now we wait and see what she does with the information.

Last night was their last night in town.  We went out to dinner.  Mexican.  I can't eat Mexican food at all.  I am allergic to the main ingredients.  So, I watched them eat.  My pregnant niece started having problems and we left most of the food on the table.  Dragon drove her to the nearest hospital.  I met them there with tears in my eyes and my head bowed in prayer.  This little girl doesn't need any more heart ache.  She has already lost one baby.  Her first baby died 5 hours after she was born.  We left the hospital around midnight to get our own children in bed.

The inlaws are headed home now and my niece is still in the hospital.  The baby looks fine for now but they wanted to make sure.  This has been an emotional week.  I look forward to waking up Monday and hope to find our new normal sometime soon.

I made a few more discoveries.  My younger S-I-L is balemic and the older is Ana.  Guess I am in good company.  They didn't say anything but I heard the younger one perging.  Kinda obvious.  She is the same age I am but looks 10 years older.  I could only feel pity for her.  Divorced, bitter and dealing with ED alone.  Dragon told me that the older one is Ana.  I see it now.  And they now know that I am Ana.  It felt good to finally admit it to someone other than Dragon.

Time to get ready to go.  I want to check on my niece and we are taking them dinner.  BBQ and pecan pie. Yummy.

ps.  Dragon said that I behaved myself and that I will be rewarded!  OHHHH I look forward to that.  After this, I need some good stress relief.

Somebody Help!

The Monster In Law has arrived!  My butt is in danger of spontaneous combustion.

Hide me

I think my sweet father-in-law has her on a tight leash this time.  She is on her best behavior.  Cold, snooty and looking very unhappy.  I can only hope her backside is as sore as mine.  Cold and snooty I can deal with.  I hope this behavior continues.

I have decided that I am going to be me.  I am tired of trying to be the person she thinks I should be.

Wish me luck.  We will be together most of the day tomorrow.  YIKES!  Does anyone one have some paddle proof panties available?

Ropes and Submission

Should I give another content warning?  Maybe.....  consider your self warned!

What do ropes have to do with TTWD?  Everything and not much of anything!  We use rope for bondage and decorative rope dress.  It is never used for punishment or even stress relief.  Only in play.

So what about TTWD?   Trust!

To allow yourself to be physically restrained by another person takes trust.  It takes time to build up to being fully restrained.  We took it in small baby steps.

First, I held on to the rope above my head.  The next step was warping it loosely around my wrist and ankle.  Then tied in a slip knot with the end placed in my hand.  I had an easy out.  The final stage I'll call hard bondage.  Tied securely in place and my only way out is a safe word.  It is a state of total submission.  He is in absolute control of my body and safety.  Add a blind fold and the experience becomes even more intense.

The ropes are never used for anything I have not consented to.  They are never used for a punishment I disagree with.  If I fight against a punishment, he backs off and we talk about it again latter.  Usually my own guilt and a little time is all that is needed.   If Dragon tries to force the issue with punishment neither one of us like the results.  

The ropes remind me that he is in charge.  The absolute trust it takes, builds our relationship in a way nothing else can.  The decorative rope dress worn under vanilla clothes doesn't restrain my movements but it is a constant reminder of his strength and control.  It is reassuring and comforting.  A constant reminder that I am his body and mind.  He is in charge.

Time to give the house a good hard cleaning for company this weekend.  Will I end up tied in knots today?  Who knows what Dragon has in mind.

What was I thinking?

Life is very stressful right now.  It is at times like this that I fall apart and Dragon is more likely to drop the ball.  What is a subie wife to do?  I asked him to step it up.  I reminded him that he will be home 24/7 for a while.  No job does that.  He will be home until he finds a job.

I asked him to up the intensity.  He is reluctant to punish.  He makes sure I deserve it before the paddle meets my backside.  Sometimes I think the talk before the spanking is worse than the spanking.  but only until the paddle hits my backside.  Then I change my mind.  The paddle is worse!  I asked him to enforce the rules we have.  Not to look for a reason to spank but to make sure there are consequences when a rule is broken.

Right now my struggle is not to brat.  I want to test him to see if he is really going to do it.  I want the security I have when I know he is in charge.  No, I don't want a punishment but I do.  Mixed up and crazy I know.  My world simply feels more balanced when he is fully into HOH space.

We both know the rules.  He hates door slamming.  He hates it when I walk out on a fight.  Then there is the ever present seat belt rule.  And the "be nice to his mom" rule.  Ohhh.  I hate that one!

Time for me to get busy if I am to avoid a punishment today.

1. distancing - this one isn't much of an issue.  The big this is not to walk out on a fight.  Resolve the issue. Don't stomp off and slam the door
2. Dangerous - Seat belt usage is #1 here.  Keeping albuterol with me and the epi pins.  I like to breath so this one isn't that hard to do.  Keeping my service dog with me when I go for a walk.  
3. Disobedience -  This one is related to depression and stress.  I'm really good at procrastinating too.   If I can put it off long enough I can use my poor memory as an excuse.  Right? It works most of the time....
4. Disrespect -  Back to the slamming door thing and shaming him or the kids in public.  
5. Dishonesty - This is a bigger issue than Dragon knows.  I need to work on this one.  When he catches me, the punishment is not fun.  The challenge here is for Dragon to trust his instincts and call bull.  

Figging

Content warning!
Figging is not my favorite activity but it has the same effect as a long hard spanking.  So far Dragon hasn't used Ginger as punishment.  Not sure that he will but he has used it to great effect for play and stress relief.

Ok.  You can find plenty of how tos on the internet.  Instead I'll write about my own experience with the wicked ginger root.

********
Dragon kissed my forehead gently and asked, "Do you want to play?"

It wasn't a question.  It is his way of telling me that I will have a very busy evening.  I nodded my head to answer.  It is a formality.  My consent was a given.  Expected.  My clothes were removed ever so slowly.  One kiss at a time.

The floggers were used first.  Familiar and comfortable.  They sting!  I know the feel of every inch of every flogger we have.  The sting never takes me by surprise.    I felt something cold slip into my ass.  Not comfortable but not painful either.  I recognized this sensation too.  The smooth feeling of a glass dildo.  I could feel my body stretching to accept its curves.

How can I describe his touch?  How can I describe a scene?  Everything blurred together.  The room disappeared and reality faded.  My skin tingled with sensation.  His hands, leather, metal and glass.  A feather tickled the back of my knees.

Agony!

His hands left.  All sensation stopped and slowly I drifted back into reality.

Before I found the strength to open my eyes, the dildo was removed.  A new sensation replaced it.  Cool and not nearly as smooth.  I could smell the the sharp tang of ginger and knew!  Figging!

My body reacted instantly.  Even before the stinging began I started to resist.  "When did Dragon tie my hands to the headboard?  Oh crap!  My feet are tied too!"  I can't get away from it!

The sting hit!  Before the plug was fully inserted my backside felt like it was fire.  I wanted to remove that offensive plug.  My eyes watered.  I'm not sure if it was from the sting or the humiliation.  I fought hard for a few minutes, completely forgetting that I had safe words.  "Safe word?  What is that?  Who cares!  Get this F@$% thing out of me!"

The burn continued to intensify and I fought harder and harder.  Dragon sat near by and enjoyed the show.  His gentile hand on my back to reassure me.  His lips on my ear with words of love.  And I surrendered.  My body relaxed.  After a few more minutes he removed the plug and the ropes.

It is hard to describe the deep feeling of relaxation I get after a hard scene.  All worries are going.  It feels almost like floating.  Dragons hands rubbed lotion into the marks the flogger made on my back.  My hands wouldn't work and i couldn't figure out how to put my panties back on.  He came to the rescue and helped my dress for bed.  Clean panties and the t shirt he just took off.

Warm and safe in his arms.  

********
I love to hate figging.   I hate the sting but love the results.  Sound familiar?  I hate spanking but love the results.  It is one of those things you either love or hate.  I do both!

Don't knock it until you try it.  You never know.

Go Lightly

Remember, this weekend Go Lightly!

When you get ready for church Sunday morning wear your perfume and cologne lightly.  Be nice to those of us with allergies and asthma.

Mothers Day

For years, I was hurt that Dragon did not acknowledge Valentines day but it didn't take long to figure out why. Why choose one day a year to show someone you love them?  He comes home with little gifts just because.  The date on the calendar doesn't matter.

Recently, I started seeming Mothers day and Fathers day the same way.  I don't want flowers that going to wilt, a potted plant to kill or stinky cheep perfume.  I don't want a day at a spa or a special dinner just for me.  Kinda greedy to expect these things every year.  Why are we giving each other a "special" gift?

One day out of the entire year does not make me feel appreciated as a mother.  The little things that happen every day do!  The bubble bath my husband fixes for me.  Breakfast in bed, waking up to the smell of coffee and not because they had to on mothers day.  Why?  Just because.  I love it when my kids show progress in their school work or play a new song on the piano.  A clean kitchen I didn't have to clean.

One day my familial has to say "I love you" or a lifetime of showing how much they care?  It isn't hard for me to pick which one I would rather have.

For those of you choose to celebrate Mothers Day, have a great day with your family!  For those who don't, have a great day with your family!

Ps, Dragon does not have a collection of ugly ties or dusty bottles of Old spice.

Scared Dragon

I gave my two boys a scare today.  Dragon and my youngest.

We set the camper up to get it ready for the camping season.  It was dusty and dirty.  Ick.  We decided to take the sleeping bags to the laundry mat.  Nice and clean for our first camping trip.


Anyway

It was a slow day out there.  The only other person there was an old rancher.  We took a row of super sized washers and got busy.  I was fine while the washers were going.  No problems.  Then we moved the sleeping bags over to the dryers.

After 5 minutes I needed my rescue inhaler.  After 10 minutes I started feeling sick.  15 minutes and 50 mg of benadryl latter things were staring to get scary.  I left Dragon in the building and sat in the truck.

It didn't take long to start feeling better.  My lungs sure didn't like those dryers.  Dragon and Bug have not let me out of their sight all evening.

Not 100% yet but better.  I think it may have been the dryer sheets people use.  We didn't use any but the left over chemicals in the dryers may have been enough to set it off.

Truth or a pretty lie?

It is hard to tell with Dragon.

Soon his family will arrive for a very special occasion.  Graduation!  How exciting.

The events leading up to it have been the problem.  I probably need to start with a time line.  It has been the usual crap that happens with his family.

1. He forgot to put his mothers name on the invitation sent to his mother and father.  oops
(innocent mistake gets blown way out of proportion by his mother)
2. Finger pointing, dredging up every little misdeed for the last 15 years by his mother.
3. Dragon lies.  Makes up an entirely fabricated chain of events.
4. Discover his mother has made reservations at a local hotel.  She refuses to stay at our house.
(relief on my part but hurt too.)
5. Discover that his sisters will also be staying at the hotel.
(guess I'm not good enough for them either)
6. Today Dragon tells me that they are staying in the hotel at their mothers expense.  Mooching off mom?
(his sisters will be staying an extra day to visit with us.  I have no idea whether or not they will be staying in the hotel for that night or now.  He forgot to ask.)
7. ???Is this the truth or another pretty lie???

I never know with him.

His mother blames me for everything.  All of our marital problems are my fault.  Our financial issues are my fault.  (we don't tell people when we are having problems so I really don't know what she thinks she knows.)  His personality changes are my fault.

Ummm lady?  Don't you think 20 years with of growing up and raising a family should cause a few changes?  I am very happy he has changed in some ways.  The checking account is never overdrawn anymore.  This is a great change.  Bills get paid on time.  Another great change.

I am also blamed for his symptoms of PTSD.  Shhh.  That is something else we haven't shared.  His problems with PTSD over the years or our close calls with divorce caused by it.  We haven't told them about his volatile temper, manic episodes or deep bouts with depression.  We thought it was better to keep these things private and not hand the news over to the gossip mill.  Some things are better kept private.

She has seen me grieving for my 4th miscarriage.   She called me lazy and told me to get over it.  And apparently postpartum depression isn't a big deal either.  All that matters is how I hurt her son.  She doesn't see my pain or that he may be grieving  for our lost babies too.

And now I am back to my original question.  Truth?  or Pretty lie?

I am hoping for truth.  Meaning?  When I call him on the carpet I hope he tells me truth this time.  Whether or not #6 was the truth or not.  Wish me luck.

A relationship based on lies is not a relationship at all.  This breaks my heart.

He Takes My Breath Away

In good ways.  I so many good ways he takes my breath away.  With his kindness and goodness.  His giving heart and loyalty.

And in bad ways.  He went off to the city tonight.  An over night stay.

Not a big deal right?

Not really.

I didn't think so anyway.

But he didn't call.

The last time I heard from him, he called to say he forgot his pillow.  He told me that the GPS now recognized the little farm road we use to get to the interstate.  We spent almost a year with the pos trying to send us down every cow path and dirt bike trail there was.  But the GPS wouldn't recognize our little road.  Strange, it did before the so called up date but afterward, Garmin was lost.

So now it is getting very late.

I know he can't call me now.
 
No email.

No voice main.

No status update on facebook.

Nothing.

I hope he is ok.

I hope he wasn't in an accident.

I hope he sleeps better than I am.

Sincerely
One wide awake wife

Asthma Awareness Month

I find it appropriate that May is indeed Asthma awareness month.  Pollen counts are high, the grass needs to be cut and the flowerbeds need attention.  I have visions of red eyes, wheezing and antihistamines.  A miserable month for my family.

And now it is time to start thinking about Mothers Day.

Yep.  Moms put on their very best dress, pin on a courage and splash on the perfume their child found at the dollar store.

Do you see an ER visit waiting to happen?

I do.

For me and any one of my kids.

An enclosed space filling with toxic fumes and pollen.  A room where you are expected to sit still and be quiet for about an hour and a half.

This mom runs from the room like the building is on fire.  Dad follows close behind with the kids and we all make our way to the emergency room.  The inhaler is passed around the car and so is the bottle of benadry.  All thoughts of a nice dinner out are gone.  The sound of wheezing and sneezing fills the mini van.

Passing out drugs and packing everyone into the van takes a few minutes.  The drive to the ER takes a few more.  By the time we arrive at the automatic doors, everyone is sleepy, a little shaky but feeling better.  We decide to go home and go to bed. Plans of a cook out or picnic are no longer a possibility.

I ask you this?  Where is the love of Christ on Mothers Day?  Sadly it isn't in church.  The leadership is more worried about offending someone than keeping my children safe.  Than making the church a pleasant place to be on this day to honor mom.  I have to ask a question.  What about the spiritual health of my family?  How damaging are those words to my children?  For my oldest, it nearly drove her away from God and broke this mothers heart.

You can't ask someone not to wear perfume.  Why not?

Please bring this up to your church leaders.  I know there are others out there who avoid church for the same reason I do.  I have gotten tired of the fight.

50 Shades of Gray

A sad ending for such a good book.  I don't want to give too much away but it is worth a read.  It gives you a peek into the BDSM world.  Just a small peek at that.  One messed up man and an innocent young lady just beginning her journey in life.

She wants more.  He wants more but isn't sure what that is or if he can give it.

One thing I will suggest.  Buy the second and third book before you start on the first one.  The first book ends too sad not to continue reading.  It isn't filthy but does has sex in involved.  You want filth?  Read books by L.A. Banks.  Now that if filth!

Keep an open mind.  BDSM is mostly about pleasure, learning and self acceptance.  Domestic Discipline is more about relationships and the roles we each accept.


Now that I have read the book and have no way to discover the next shade of Gray, it is time for me to dry my tears and get back to work.

Butterflies

Isn't it funny?  After all this time and many spankings, I still get butterflies when I know Dragon is about to spank me?  That heart stopping moment when I know it is going to be a long hard emotionally cleansing session?  Yep.  That one.  Heart in mouth, stomach doing flip flops.

Tonight, I will be surprised if tears don't fall.  I am worried, stressed out, overwhelmed and over worked.  I am at the end of my rope.  So what is Dragon going to do?  Use that rope to tie me up.  No getting away tonight.  Long, hard and thorough.   And he tells me that there will be sex after my bottom is reddened to his satisfaction.  yuck gross squick!

Trade places with me please?  Can you spare a little room for me to hide under the bed or in the closet?  Please?

Yes, I have safe words.  Even tonight I can red out at any moment.

No, I don't like spanking.  Hate it actually.  What I do like?  The feeling of a blistered bottom the next day and what it does to my head.  My worry meter is reset to zero.  I feel relaxed and submissive.

here is hoping I can last long enough tonight to get the spanking I so desperately need.  It is hard to stay there
and take swat after stinging swat.  It is hard not to run or red out.

Fingers crossed and panties down......


question questions....

otk
across the bed
hand or paddle?
garage or house?

worrying will not help me now!