Getting it done

Why do I procrastinate so much? Why do I let this depression sink hole get so big? I don’t know what I would do without my Dragon to come to the rescue. Is it laziness? I don’t know the answer. He gave me a stress relief session yesterday. It was harder than I expected. I found it impossible to stay still as the paddle landed one stinging blow after another. What happened to a warm up? It was what I needed but my stress level was so high it didn’t last very long.

The house is a disaster and I try the blame game. It is her fault. She didn’t vacuum. He didn’t dust. What? Just who is the mom in this house? It is my job to make sure these things get done or to get up and do them myself. I know this. I wonder why my husband puts up with it all. He is a picture of patience and love but I can tell he gets tired of it. I can see it in his face when he comes home to a messy house. When he walks in and I am frustrated with the kids. When he discovers that I didn’t do what he asked. I spent yet another day doing exactly nothing.

It is a cycle I can’t seem to jump out of by my self. I can’t sleep at night out of guilt. Then during the day, I can’t stay awake. The house is dirty, my task for the day went undone, chores are half way done. More guilt. More anxiety. I have pulled out of this a few times in our marriage during a crisis but most of the time I am stuck in the unending, ever escalating cycle.

Can I do it today? Can I pull myself out of this long enough to get the main part of the house clean? Not the bedrooms. Just the living room, kitchen and the two bathrooms. I hope so. I don’t want to be punished for this. He shouldn’t have to and I won’t ask for it. The stress relief sessions are had enough to take. I DO NOT want him to decide he needs to take this in hand too. I am afraid it would be a lesson my backside would need to learn too many times.

The corset is made and delivered. Most of the money will go to pay the vet bill. Even though the project was finished with much encouragement from him, he wants me to have new boots. My reward for all the hard work I put into it. Even though everything else suffered my neglect. I get rewarded. Ok. Crying now. I am going to try to surprise him with a clean house. I am going to try. First step. Get dressed and out of this bed. Breakfast, coffee and then start with a clean kitchen. This is a guilt free zone today. I am going to do my very best to break out of this. I owe it to this man who loves me so very much.