Rome was not built in a day and I can’t snap out of this depression in a day. Each day is getting a little better. Even as the days are getting shorter and the cold winter gets closer, I am pulling out of this. Not without help though. Instead of an assigned task, Dragon asks me what I want to get done for the day. At lunch, he calls to see how my day is going. It is working. Slowly, I moving toward a healthier routine.
I don’t know how I lucked out. So far I have messed up three times. Each time Dragon gave me a pardon. Just the threat was enough to change what displeased him and I think that is what he was looking at. He doesn’t expect perfection. We are both moving in a positive direction. He is taking a firmer hold on his duties as HOH. I am more considerate and more aware of his needs.
I don’t understand this need I have to be physically punished and disciplined. The act of spanking mends the rift between us when things aren’t right. It allows us to reconnect faster and without the awkwardness of trying. There is something intimate about being in his arms, relaxed, chastised and fee of guilt. I don’t like the pain. It takes all of my will power to be still and accept each swat. Still, the pain is worth the results. I am coming out of this depressive funk, I am more content day to day and I don’t feel angry or frustrated as often. Another side effect is the physical intimacy that is coming back into my marriage.
So many positives and still I don’t understand why it all works. I asked for it, so on some level I had to admit a need. Maybe one day I’ll figure ttwd out. For now, I’ll be happy to have a strong HOH that is willing to take me in hand.
( broke the cherry paddle this morning. It fell on the floor and got stepped on. Sad day. It had a sting but isn't as bad as the oak or plexi glass)
The kids are in meltdown mode. The house is a disaster and wonder upon wonder! ! ! I’m ok! ! ! No mommy meltdown. Time to get busy. I have a corset to finish! ! !
ReplyDelete(((HUGS))) Missie, I remember those days with little ones underfoot and the weather to bad to send them outside. That in itself is enough to send a shiver down my spine. It will get better just remember practice makes perfect.
ReplyDelete"So many positives and still I don’t understand why it all works." Welcome to the club.
ReplyDeleteOle Dragon there is a better man than I am with all those pardons. "Pardon the Interuption" but a lighter spanking eventually proved more effective in our dynamic.
It sounds like you're going through a dark patch of time with the depression. It's not a fun time.
I truly hope you guys ("depression even affects the dog") are able to pull out of it soon.
Annie
ReplyDeleteI get lots of practice with 4 kids. I had to break up four fights yesterday. I hope today is calmer. We have snow! They should be excited.
B’man
He know me better than I know myself and knows just what it takes. The end results matter. The last pardon happened after a long day at the ice rink. I forgot my seatbelt again and on icy roads. But I think the pardon happened because he was as tired as I was. I’ll take what I can get.
I am getting a little better every day. Baby steps. Thank you