Confidence, Comfort and Hope….

I asked my husband what he gets out of this CDD thing that we do. His first answer was expected. Confidence. Why wouldn’t this give him confidence? I have just given him what I treasure the most. Power. He now has the power to punish me, to take away my right to choose for myself. That takes an incredible amount of trust. For me to hand over something so valuable to him had to be a huge boost to his self esteem. Ok. It gave him a big head but in a good way. I do something that displeases him and he has a very real way to hold me accountable. I can’t ignore is quiet requests anymore. I have to listen when he speaks.

After a few minutes of silence he added one more word. Comfort. Now where did that come from? I am the one that gets comfort from ttwd. I get the comfort of knowing he is in charge, that there is a HOH and I don’t have to worry. How in the world does he get comfort? WHAT? I have been in a deep depression for several years. More downs than ups. He has now found a way to help that works better than anything else we have tried. He has a way to motivate me. A light reminder in the morning or a much harder punishment are waiting when I can’t do it by my self. He can help now in a way he couldn’t before. It is hard for him to punish me for being sad but he knows I’ll work harder to overcome my lethargy when there are consequences for hiding under the covers. His comfort comes from knowing that he can make my life better. I am happier when I get out of bed.

What do I get out of all of this? Piece, comfort, confidence and most of all Hope. For the first time I a very long time, I get out of bed in the morning. I’m a long way from 100% but I’ll take what I can get. He gives me a manageable task to do and calls me in the middle of the day to make sure I am working on it. A task, not a list of tasks. Baby steps. It only took seconds for life to knock me off my feet but he is determined to teach me how to stand on my own again. I know I don’t have to face this alone. I don’t have to feel helpless when I look into his eyes and see how much he hurts for me. Strangely enough giving him authority over my life has empowered me. I can finally see a way out of this pit I have been in for so long. CDD is the ladder I needed all along.