Scent

Scent is one of the first signs of compatibility.  If you don't like how your potential partner smells, the relationship is doomed.

When Dragon was still active duty military, he always left me a few shirts he had worn.  His scent gave me comfort while it lasted.  He took extra t shirts with him so that he could send me shirts he had worn.

I know it almost sounds gross but it really isn't. 

There is another kind of scent that isn't nearly as pleasant.  I can tell when Dragon is sick just by the way he smells.  Kidney stones give him a distinctive body oder that makes me gag. 

It was bad before but after a trip to the hospital where the problem stone was blasted with sound waves, he reeks.  A shower only helps for a little while.  The sickness is literally oozing out of his pores as his body gets rid of all the built up toxins. 

It is a good thing. 

I know it won't last long but still.

Gross. 

I Wish

Sometimes I wish we knew another couple into domestic discipline. 

Dragon ended up in the ER again with kidney stones.  A huge stone that is very unlikely to pass on its own.  This new doctor is fast.  The problem is getting resolved in less than a week. 

Yeah!

But...

Isn't there always a but? 

I hate seeing him in this much pain. 

I need a re-set.  A hard, stress relief spanking that will leave me standing in the waiting room instead sitting comfortably.

Nice purple and blue marks on my backside to remind me that I don't have to shoulder the weight alone.  Marks that let themselves be known every time I sit. 

Dragon is on some heavy pain killers.  Strike one

It hurts more when he moves around.  Strike two

We don't know anyone else who practices dd in rl  Strike three

I am enough of an exhibitionist that I don't mind someone else seeing my body or another trusted HOH to take care of a spanking in a crunch. I don't even mind Dragon spanking another TIh. 

Blag. 

I wish dd wasn't such a taboo topic. 
I wish I could share my chosen lifestyle with family and friends.
I wish they wouldn't judge us with standards that don't apply. 

What a week. 

I am tempted to try self flogging. 

Getting Back to Basics

Dragon mentioned putting a spanko book on my Amazon wish list. I couldn't find a new one I wanted so I downloaded an old one.

He had a motive.  He knows that those books have turned me on in the past.  He also knows that I will obsess over spanking.  All three kinds.  Pleasure, re sets and punishment.

We have discussed punishment more than the other two even though he probably won't punish me.  I follow his big rules to this letter.  When i mess up those punishments are memorable.

We are getting back to the basics.  Disrespect, dishonesty, disobedience and dangerous.  Bringing those back means that he has more flexibility and I'll have to be careful.

I reminded him that I should be afraid of a punishment but that I'll never be afraid of him.  We redefined punishment. It can be as mild as a few light swats over clothing or a barn burner with full nudity and a time out.  Or anything in between.

He brought up the books to get my mind back where he wants it. It worked.  I am doing my part.  I wonder if he will do his? Only time will tell.

Update and time line
Monday - Dragon suggests reading a new spanking story
Tuesday - he gave me a few light hand swats over clothing
Wednesday - He had the holiday off. I was his toy.  Even though I was set to ZERO, I opened myself up and I don't regret it.  Swats with the paddle over clothing
Thursday - he came home from work 4 hours late.  Hot and tired.  I didn't expect anything. After dinner we went to the garage for our time.  After we watched an episode of two of our favorite shows on Netflix I thought we were going to go back inside.

Nope. 

Dragon pickup up the walnut paddle and told me to drop my pants.  He hooked his fingers in the waistband of my panties.  I pushed them down to join my pants.  It wasn't a very hard or very long spanking but it was just what we both needed. 

I didn't ask for it.  I sent him off to work without a lunch and I knew he was tired.  He took charge and did what he wanted to do.  That is exactly what I wanted.  Him in charge. On his terms.

His PTSD, my wild hormone swings and a house full of college students makes TTWD a challenge.  But when I let go of the steering wheel and move to the passenger seat, Dragon stepped up.

He is snoring and for the first time in a long time, I am turned on.  We have entered a different stage in our lives. I think we may just survive it.

When the bad dreams wake him at two in the morning, Dragon will turn to me for sex.  I won't tell him no.  My body is his.

Submitting

It isn't always about sex.  Sometimes it is simply about submitting to him.  Saying yes instead of no.  His hands.  His mouth.  His belt.

On this holiday, I am his.

He is taking full advantage of my submissive state of mind.

The belt has been applied to my backside.  Not the gentle taps he usually uses but with a bit of sting. Not even close to full force but I didn't panic. 

The day is far from over.

Cancer

One sweet lady just lost her life to an aggressive cancer.  Diagnosed in March and gone today.  A father with both a young child and several grandchildren just starting chemotherapy.  And so many more. 

They remind me to LIVE! 

I lost my father July 1, 1990.  His funeral was on independence Day. 

All life lessons.

1. Don't go to bed on your anger.
2.  Make sure the last thing your loved ones hear from you is "I love you" 
3.  Learn something new
4.  Reach for your dreams.

And last but not least

Relationships are more important than money!!!

This year is harder than most but I look around and see so many things to be thankful for!

Don't live a life you will regret.  Live to die smiling.

Music

We are a very musical family.  I am the only one in the family that doesn't play multiple instruments.  My oldest daughter has several guitars.  Two acoustics and an electric. She loves folk music and prefers the acoustic.  I ended up with the electric. 

About the time I decided to dust it off and learn to play, another kid decided to pick it up. I turned it over to her.  I needed to work my mind so I picked it up again. 

Trying to share a guitar with a musical genius is difficult.  She is an excellent teacher and very patient. But this leaning thing would be easier with a second guitar. 

Dragon stopped by the pawn shop and got me a new guitar. 

Okay, New to me.

It isn't expensive or high quality but I suck at the guitar.  Until I get better, cheap works just fine.

Hey!  Progress!  Ode to Joy almost sounds like a song!  It is a simple, six note song played on two strings.  I get the frets mixed up but I'm getting better!

I have heard that it isn't about talent.  It is about practice.   If that is true, I got this. 

Sex

It just isn't appealing for me.  My monthlies are very irregular, power surges happen several times a day, mood swings are a fact of life and I not in the mood for sex.  I say yes to play but it does absolutely nothing for me.  Dry as a bone and thinking about just getting it over with. 

I know.  I am a horrible wife.  Maybe I should take the advice of the Victorian mother and think of England.  Or maybe fake it like a porn star. 

I am set to zero.

Cuddling is more my speed but only if he doesn't make a grand for previously sensitive spots. 

I have tried to talk to Dragon.  I understand his frustration and I know he thinks that I'm not listening.  I'm not sure he is listening to me.

I can't even get into a spanking or a good flogging.

I don't know what to do.  Feeling a little lost right now.

A New Hobby

Health problems steal my energy.  I just can't do what I did before.  I'm slowly working on endurance.  It is an accomplishment to walk to the mailbox without stopping.  A quarter mile at a slow pace but I can do it.  One baby step at a time.  I decided to learn something new to exercise my mind, just like walking exercises my body.

I have halfway tried to learn the guitar before but nothing clicked.  This time it is.  I may never be any good at it but I won't learn if I don't try. 

My youngest daughter only reads Tab.  The book I'm using doesn't teach tab until the second book.  So we are learning together.  I am learning how to play and she is learning how to read sheet music and apply it to the guitar. 

I picked up my lesson book with the same lesson I had given up on and I could play it!  Everything came right back.  I guess I gave up too soon. 

I'm not sure how far I will get with the guitar but I am going to try.

The Enemy

It really was food.  Food was slowly killing me and I had no idea. 

I normally eat like a mouse.  Little nibbles of food here and there.  Raw veggies and fruit most of the day and one sit down meal with portions more appropriate for a child. 

But I got hungry.  During the day I ate the fruit and veggies but more of them.  At dinner instead of one small plate of food, I was eating seconds and thirds.  Then would come the purge.  My body would get rid of every bite.  Every night I was vomiting and running to the bathroom.  I learned not to ever trust a fart.  It felt like my intestines were twisting.  Everything hurt. 

Now, without wheat or any kind of gluten in my diet, I feel so much better.  First the bloating went down.  I could button my pants.  The pressure doesn't hurt anymore. 

And this week I noticed that my eating habits are back to normal.  I was only able to eat half a hot dog.  The dogs were very happy to get a few table scraps again. 

I was so hungry before because my body wasn't absorbing any nutrients from the food I was eating.  I ate so much because my body demanded it.  It was confusing because I wasn't gaining weight.  I usually gain weight when I smell food.  That is why I eat mostly raw fruits and veggies.

 I had a snacksident with kale.  Yep.  Just kale. No dressing. 

Off wheat, I am feeling so much better.  I am back to my usual grazing and small meals.  I still get tired very easy but I'm trying to be patient. One trip to the mailbox is about a quarter mile.  I can make it with a few rest stops but I'm trying.  Baby steps. 

Even the brain fog feels like it is lifting. 

Progress.  One day at a time. 

Dragon has been awesome with all of this.  I don't know what I would do without him. 

Fear

After all this time I am still afraid. 

I don't understand. 

I love where our play sends my head. 

I love sub space

But

Getting there is the problem. 

I asked for the belt.  I know I need the tears that only come from the belt but when he takes his belt off I cringe in fear. 

Of my Dragon?

Good grief.  I know he would never hurt me.  My tears don't come from pain.  They come from trust and total relaxation. 

I am not afraid of the belt or the paddle or the whips or the ropes.

I'm afraid of letting go.  My armor falling away.  I am afraid of letting tears fall. Of letting my heart bleed
 

Growing Up

When you are a teenager 40 is middle-class aged.  60 is old and anything over that is just ancient.  You remember.  Right? 

I'm right in the middle of what I would have called middle aged and I am feeling it. 

One friend had a heart attack.  Then another died from complications of bariatric surgery.  Stroke, gall stones, kidney stones.  And now cancer. 

He is younger than I am.  He has a pre schooler and a daughter that has grown up and moved out.  Last week he landed in the ER with pain beyond anything he could handle.  They kept him all day and eventually told him he had a mass.  That mass was biopsied.  It is cancer. 

A younger cousin got dizzy and passed out at work.  She went to the ER in an ambulance.  They found a goofball sized tumor in her brain.  Her marriage just ended, she is now a single mother and facing brain surgery.  They haven't done a biopsy but they believe it is benign.  We can pray.  That is all any of us can do. 

But there is good too.  My daughter and granddaughter are visiting.  Two of my kids are out of high school and working toward their future.  One in college.  One in trade school.  The oldest almost has her GED.  Dragon had a pay cut but his hours are going to be cut to match. Only working 5 days a week instead of 6.  I am going back to school whenever the school tells me which credits transfer.  I was a junior when I dropped out so I should just have core classes to finish.

I'm worried, sad, excited and optimistic.  I almost feel like a schizophrenic or maybe a hormonal teenager.  Life goes on. 

Life Got Busy

I thought life would settle down as my kids get older and grow up. 

Nope. 

What was I thinking?  It is even more hectic! 

I got lucky.  My kids don't hate me.  Even as young adults they are respectful, giving and kind.  My oldest is almost done with her GED.  We home school but if they don't do the work, they don't graduate.  The next daughter is in college.  She wants to go to law school!  And the one that just graduated is getting ready to go out of state for school. Yikes!  That leaves one kid still in high school.  It is going by in a blur. 

Now for my big new!  I am going back to college with a new degree plan!  Since the junior college is cheaper, I'm going to take a few of the requirements there.  I have all the basics but a few of my classes didn't transfer.  I need a government class instead of world history and my sign language class won't transfer as a foreign language.  That gives me a chance to get my feet under me before I am in the university going full time.   I have the university picked out. 

I am so nervous.  The application process has begun and my transcripts have been sent.  We shall see how it goes.  The kids were worried about what I would do after they all moved out.  They know now! 

I am excited, nervous, worried.  Can I do this?  I want to get a master's degree.  We shall see! 

Manipulation

I just thought I introduced spanking into our relationship. 

Nope

Dragon had been swatting my bottom for years before I added a layer to it.  Yes, domestic discipline was my brain child.  Dragon embraced the idea several years after I brought it up.  I developed a potty mouth after a very hard deployment.

He had never give me a long, hard spanking before. I had never experienced sub space but in hind sight, it was actually his idea. 

He flat out told me to expect the paddle tonight.  I don't think it is a punishment but I could be wrong.  I forgot my seatbelt last night. Don't remember how but the warning ding did go off.  He doesn't see anticipation as part of a punishment.  So I often find out I am being punished several swats into a session. 

That's okay.  I can't talk my way out of it with my red, bare bottom on display. 

Even a punishment is peppered with compliments.  And for some reason, he has to show me what my very red bottom does to him.  Could be my how my own body reacts, even if my head takes a few minutes it process everything.

Update on the diet changes.  Gluten still sneaks by us occasionally.  The fries at my favorite bar are battered.  Oops. 

Dragon found the gluten free section at our little grocery store.  I have been avoiding all bread products all week and he brings home a selection of treats.  The brownies are yummy.  So are the cookies and rice crackers.  Biscuits and gravy for breakfast in the morning.  We shall see....

Why does anything labeled gluten free have to cost $$$$?  Blag

Food

Food seems to be my enemy.  Every time I eat I get sick.  If I eat the whole foods I love I'm fine but nothing processed.  The only common food we could come up with was bread. 

I feel like I am following a fad but I am trying to go gluten free for a few weeks to see if it helps. 

Things I have discovered
* Gluten free bread is nasty
* Gluten free does not mean allergen free
   (The breakfasts muffins gave me hives)
* Gluten is in more foods than I realized.
* Reading every label is a pain in the backside.

Don't know if it is working or not.  I'm still finding gluten in food after I eat it. Oops

Another food we can try to eliminate is soy.  That one is even harder but we are trying soy first. 

* it is helpful to list foods I can have.
*  If I list foods I can't have, I start feeling deprived. 

Fingers crossed. We need answers.

You Didn't!

I thought my buns were toasted.  Dragon is still on top!

I love working out.  It is hard to start back after I have been down for a while but it feels good to see even slow improvement.  It is hard to take things slow but everything hurts.  Even just walking. 

One day this week I thought it would be a good idea to make that new start.  The problem is that it was one of the busiest days of the week.  Rest in the morning so I can run kids all over town in the evening. 

All I said was that I thought about walking on the treadmill and Dragon came back with, "You did what?"

It took 5 minutes for him to take a long enough pause is his lecture to figure out I didn't actually do it. 

Exercising without permission is now on the short list of things Dragon has chosen as spanking offences.  Cussing and seatbelt use are on that very short list.  So is eating regular meals. 

Over doing it on a workout is also on his short life. 

I wonder how long the list will have to be before he stops calling it a "short list"?

A few light taps with the paddle just to make sure I was taking him seriously. "No, I'm not punishing you this time but I think you aren't taking your health seriously.  However I know you WILL take the paddle seriously." 

 I think I will definitely be asking for permission before I get on the treadmill.  I will be very careful about lifting weights and taking things slow. 

I love sexy spankings.  I don't even mind the occasional attitude adjustment swats.  But I REALLY don't want a punishment. Ouch.  I'll pass

Staying in Place

I forget between spankings how hard it is to stay in place.  Dragon usually starts out with a few light swats. They sting but not bad.  Those are easy.  If only it could stay like that.

When the swats get harder I struggle.  It doesn't matter what kind of spanking it is.  Punishment, stress relief or pleasure.  Numbered or not.  The harder swats make me wiggle. Several hard swats in the same spot and I call yellow.  If it is bad enough I have been known to call red even for a punishment.

Yes.  I know it is supposed to hurt.  Sometimes I just need a chance to catch my breath.  Calling red stops everything immediately but doesn't end the spanking.  Especially if it is a punishment.

Dragon doesn't usually let me up.  He rubs my back and talks to me.  Tries to find out what is wrong.  He takes the opportunity to explain his actions and asks me to submit.  When he is sure I'm okay he continues.

Yes, I like to be spanked.
Yes, I need to be TiH
Yes, I love what it does to my head
Yes, I love what it does for my marriage

But it sure is hard to stay still.  To submit fully to hard swats.  .

I hope the weather warms up soon.  It is cold in the garage even with the fire going.  We don't want to spend an hour out there playing.  Winter sessions are hard and fast.  I think swats hurt more on a cold backside.

Ps.  With a spanking nearly every day this week my backside is bruised.  Lightly but the marks are there.  Today he took aim at the back of my thighs.  Ouch.  That was a new experience.  Sit spot and below. 

The Spanking Effect

I'm in my 40s.  I forget just where but the change has been giving me grief.  One effect is ZERO sex drive.  Nothing turns me on. 

Except one thing. 

Spanking

Dragon brought me to tears with a mild spanking.  It has been so long since we have had regular visits to the garage that things are a bit sensitive.  Most of the swats had a good sting to them. 

I called RED. 

I NEVER call red but I did that night.  Just when things should have started feeling good.

It turned me on.

Nothing else has worked.  Petting, toys, pillow talk.  I was interested but not with the heat I felt in the past. 

After just two trips to the garage I can't get enough.

The spankings weren't the gentle giggly kind.  They weren't the hot sexy kind.  Nor were they punishments.  Simply down to earth, let's get this done and go warm up in the house.  The second session even found a few bruises I didn't know about.  Right cheek and right sit spot.  He tends to favor one side. 

We have been talking about things we haven't tried.  Edge play we haven't been brave enough for.  Even things we have done in the past but forgot about. 

Tomorrow morning we will be back in the garage.  A cold front is pushing in.  Even though my bottom feels sunburned, it won't leave a lasting impression.  One more session before it gets miserable cold again. 

Good night.  Dragon is making this difficult. 

Numbers

Dragon doesn't usually start with a number in mind.  Even the kind of warm up I get depends on my reactions.  There is no warm up for a punishment but even then he doesn't start out full force. 

He gives me a number when things start to get serious. I need to see the end in sight to take the hard swats.  The ones that bring tears to my eyes. Up to 5 at a time.  He can go softer for a few swats them give 5 more hard swats but I panic if he tries to give them all at once.  Giving me a number doesn't signal the end of the spanking. 

The short reprieve lets him judge how I'm doing.  Dragon always starts out with a goal.  Tears, lasting marks, stress relief, sub space or reconnection.  Yes, a paddle on my backside can do all of those things and much more.  My backside is a reset button that gives Dragon the power to manipulate my head. 

Strange I know

We have a wood stove out in the garage now but it couldn't keep up with this last cold front.  Not even with extra space heaters.  That's okay.  With highs in the mid 50s we can get back out there.  Silent spankings are miserable. 
 

Venting

Yes.  Here it goes again.  Why?  This is the only place I can.

My mil lures you in with sweetness, love and affection.  She is kind, giving and generous.

Until she isn't any more. 

One little miss step and it is on. 

She uses your insecurities against you.  Her middle daughter is belemic.  Not spelled right but you get the idea.  She has a new husband and moved to a new city.  Her asthma has gotten bad again.  Instead of bling the new environment, she blames her daughter's weight gain.  For the first time ever she actually looks healthy but no.  She had to put her daughter right back into crisis mode just months after her husband got her eating habits on track. 

The witch did the same thing to me but the problem is that it backfired. 

Her daughters grovel to make up.  Her son gave her an ultimatum back in '99.  Accept my wife or have nothing to do with me or my family. 

Looks like she made her choice. 

I never made the connection but I have now.  That is what abusers do.  They do something nasty and make you feel like it is your fault.  That you deserve what you got. 

That is what she does.

Not anymore.  She took her anger out on my kids.  Never again.  She thrives on the pity she gets as a result of her own actions.  I refuse to be part of it. 

Undignified Positions

Sometime around 2004 Dragon spanked me for the very first time.  He guided me across his lap, angling my torso so that my head rested on the pillow.  He used his hand and stopped long before I was ready.  That day Dragon became an official spanko and I seem to be positioned with my backside in the air more and more. 

Standing with my elbows on the bed for a very quiet but painful reminder to behave. Oh I hate the cane.  Even just a light tap makes me want to scream.  I hold the pillow in my fist with my face pressed into it.  Using a quiet implement is pointless if my screams can be heard.

Leaned over the back of a chair, hands placed on the seat.  Dragon likes this position for punishments. Backside high.  Toes just brushing the floor.  It isn't comfortable and leaves me feeling very exposed.  That is probably the point. 

Leaning over the Roman chair with my knees resting comfortably on an old piano bench.  When he puts me in this position, I know I'm going to be there for a while.  Long slow warm up that builds slowly.  Supported so that I don't fall as I drop into sub-space.   He also uses that sit up bench for flogging. 

Last but not least!  On my knees with my head on the bed. He likes to view his handiwork while he takes his pleasure. 

Unless he is in a very vanilla mood, that is how I end up.  I have created a monster.

Tears

I spent the last week of '17 crying more than I did in the entire year.  My pup was hurt and had to be put down.  It took me several days to make the decision.  Days spent in tears.  I know I made the right decision for her but not for me. 

Dragon decided that I had spent enough time moping and had a plan to change my outlook on the day.  He took out the glass toys and did a very good job of distracting me! 

He turned me into a rag doll before he even thought about take his pleasure.

Last year ended with tears but the New Year began with a smile.  Unfortunately we are having some very cold weather and the garage is closed for business.  No spankings unless I earn a really bad punishment.  I try my very best to avoid those!  Hopefully there aren't any in the near future.