I called RED and didn't even know it.
Yep. Even after 18 years together, I can still get scared.
Face down on the bed in only my panties. A pillow lifting my shoulder slightly. Dragon standing over me holding the whips in his hands. It was as gentile as our scenes get. The softest flogger used gently across my back. Petting more than anything else. Even snake was used so softly it didn't leave even the faintest sting. Soft, soothing, gentile.....
So how in the world did anything push me over the edge? How did i go from purring to absolute terror in seconds?
The gentile scene continued. I rolled over to my back and my chest was ever so softly flogged. Relaxed and purring under his hands. Flogger, hand, flogger hand. His hand was always there to sooth away even the slightest sting. Across my ribs the flogger caressed my skin. Over and over again.
Nothing shocking right? Nothing to be afraid of. It isn't like knife play or fire and ice. There was no aspect of terror involved. No words of "trust me" that send my heart into my throat. Gentile, slow....
I felt the tails caress my cheek. First one side of my face and then the other. My eyes flew open in surprise. Dragon reassured me that it wouldn't get any harder than a soft touch. Again he pulled the flogger across one side of my face and then the other, circling the tails across my forehead and neck. Again and again he repeated the motion.
My self control was slipping but I couldn't respond. Terror began to build. Not slowly. Suddenly my mind went for trusting wife, to absolute blind terror. Beyond words and coherent thought.
My eyes called RED! ! !
Dragon didn't ask "color" He knew. The flogger were dropped instantly and he held me at arms length. He knew, somehow that in that moment, his arms were the source of my terror. I was afraid of him.
Before I could even understand what I was feeling, he stopped everything and tried to comfort me.
The flogger didn't hurt. He was petting me with them. Caressing my face. What was there to be afraid of?
Never moving fast, doing nothing that could trigger my panic again, we talked. The leather on my face triggered the fear. Fear is all consuming. Rational thought is gone and only terror remains. Yes, I am very familiar with this feeling. I HATE! ! ! HATE BEING AFRAID! ! ! !
He promised never to do it again. Not ever. But you know? I really do hate being afraid. The only way to conquer a fear is to face it. And that is just what he is going to help me do.
It isn't the first time I have been afraid. It isn't the first fear he helped me face. The fear of being alone with him. The fear of heights. I learned how to rappel off of a 60 foot railroad trellis! The fear of being helpless. I submit to ropes and dd. I gave up control. I faced my fears!
I WILL FACE THIS ONE TOO! ! ! !
In his efforts to comfort me, he held my face in his powerful hands.
Yep. I panicked again!
We are going to work on that. And here is how.
My face will be touched every day! Caressed, held, kissed. My face will be close to his. Cheek to cheek, nose to nose. When I can be touched without fear, we will start using the floggers. Always gentile caresses. No pain. No fear. I will learn not to fear this.
Sometimes I wonder if I am damaged beyond repair. If it is even worth the effort for Dragon to try. He seems to think it is.
Love my man.