Saturday, June 18, 2011

Marks

The first time Dragon spanked me, he didn’t leave a mark. It wasn’t very hard, compared to what we do now but I loved it. He wasn’t so sure. A few weeks passed and I talked him into another pleasure spanking. I wanted the deep relaxation I got from the first one. But I asked him to go further. With constant communication he delivered perfect swats. Stinging fast slaps. We didn’t have that first paddle yet. I was in heaven. It was hard to stay still at first but after the endorphins began to flow, I didn’t want it to end.
The next morning, we showered and prepared for our day.

He saw it. THE MARK! It put him in a downward spiral for weeks. He couldn’t forgive himself for “hurting” me. I couldn’t convince him that I like my little bruise. It took a while but I finally convinced him to try again. He wasn’t ready for DD, not yet but he was willing to give impact play another try.

He was hooked.

First came the recently departed cherry paddle and then oak. A flogger was added to the collection and a wooden spaghetti spoon (wowchy) He drummed on my back and backside with everything imaginable. Sometimes he left a light mark. Sometimes he left nothing but a smile. Never tears.

He admits that he thought about spanking me when I would get in one of those bratty moods but he never said anything. (even before I asked him to spank me) When I asked about DD, he said, not yet. Dragon thought I needed to learn to trust him more first.

He used the M/s dynamic to build my trust in him. With floggers, knives and fire. Slowly he built up my self esteem. The deeper we went, the harder we played, the more I wanted. Soon, we were taking our first steps into public play. A new way to push limits and grow. I learned accept my body for the first time in life. I learned self acceptance.

And so began our journey into ttwd. It was a journey of growth and learning for me. I learned how to reconcile my sexuality with my faith. God made me who I am and loves me just the way I am. I am not sick or condemned to hell. I am a sinner just like everyone else on this earth.

Now, Dragon leaves marks on my body and smiles at the dark storm clouds and tiger stripes. He knows I’ll be purring for days. A secret smile appears on his face when he puts his hand on my back in public and I cringe just a little. Oh so sore but so nice too. Punishment isn’t his favorite thing in the world. It isn’t on my top ten list either but the benefits are too great to stop.

It is insane. I know it. But today I asked for him to take a step further into ttwd. When we argue, I can say some very hurtful and destructive things. I don’t know why I do it. And I always regret the hurt I see in his eyes. Today, I asked for him to hold me accountable for those awful words. I won’t use those words just to push him. I won’t make him punish me intentionally but I am sure those words will slip out again. No spanking can hurt as much as those words hurt him. I hope I did the right thing.

Am I creating a monster here? EEEKKK. What was I thinking?

3 comments:

  1. What did I do? This morning he told me. All I did was reassure him that he was already headed in the right direction. He walked away from our last argument thinking that he should have punished me for it. There was a doubt in his mind and decided to think it over. Now that I took that worry away, I am doomed.
    Foot in mouth.

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  2. I like marks too. He likes to make marks. Little reminders all day long of how much he loves me and how much i love and respect him. Punishment hurts I hate punishment but i long for them too for the after effect.
    Little Missie - i love your posts.

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  3. This is the first time he has used a flogger for stress relief. Not to bad. No marks but my back feels sunburned. I hope he uses it next time. For some reason it doesn’t hurt as much as the paddle.

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