No.
But a girl can wish.
Last night we had another stress relief session but I had a very hard time. For some reason fear kicked into high gear. Soft gentile strokes. Nothing too hard. Just a few stinging swats and a little lovemaking to top off the evening. A great plan right? It didn’t work out quite that way.
It started out ok but then I started getting scared. I don’t know why. The gentile strokes of the flogger on my back. My neck protected for the accidental blow with a thick towel. All is good right?
Wrong. He gave me safe words but I didn’t use them. I should have called red from the first moment I tasted the fear. My fault. He tried to calm me down by talking. Didn’t work. I ruined our evening. Today is one of those days that we won’t see much of each other. I’ll fix supper and have it ready before he gets home from work. As soon as he finishes his supper we are out the door again. Run, run, run. No time to fix it today. He says he knows what happed. I’m glad one of us does.
He respected my need for privacy to dress for bed. He kept his distance. When he put his arm around me, it was because I asked for it. How any man can have so much patience is beyond me. Kindness, patience, love and understanding. He understand even when I don’t. We won’t have much privacy until Sunday. I wonder if he will be able to help me understand what happened then? Hope so.
I feel guilty. I hurt him and didn’t intend to. After 18 years together you would think that I would be over everything that happened before we met. I guess there is still a little baggage in the trunk.
It's okay. Don't feel bad..the important thing is that he understands and he will walk through it right beside you. I have some fear "baggage" too. It kicks in when we don't expect it. It's part of healing, and it's OKAY.
ReplyDelete(((((hug)))))))
Stormy
I agree with Stormy, He understands and you will together work it out when the time is right. In the meantime please dont beat yourself up too much :)
ReplyDeletelove and hugs xxx
Thank you both for the encouragement. I feel better. We had a few minutes to ourselves before like took over again. He held me close and said the words he somehow knew I needed to hear. All I can do is than God that he put this man in my life at just the right time.
ReplyDeletelife not like. Something tells me it is bed time.
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie. I bet he's not as bad as you think. I bet he's not as hurt as you think. He's probably way more concerned about you. Just wait and talk to him. Don't make it worse by filling your head with more fears.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Kelly
~No worries
Thank you CG. We talked and now we both understand a little better. He can give me the space I need and also the comfort. He is a good man. More than I ever hoped for.
ReplyDelete