The Tool Bag

In Honor of my 101^st blog post. I am sharing the contents of our tool box. Some how I can’t think of it as a toy bag anymore. Not since we have started using the paddles for discipline.
　
The paddles are for discipline.

　
Balsa is all pop. It is loud but doesn’t have much of a sting. Oak is the most likely to leave a lasting bruise. It has more of a thud and leaves a deeper impression. Cherry is more of a sting. It has a zing that is sure to change a poor attitude. Walnut? Hide under the bed. I try to keep it out of sight and out of mind. It has the surface sting and the deeper, lasting thud.
　
Thing 1 and Thing 2 …. Yes the loopy belongs in this category too but is MIA.

　
These don’t get used very often. I don’t like them. He doesn’t like them. End of story…..
　
The floggers? You want to know about the floggers? Yummy.

　
These are for fun and fun only. Never used for discipline. They look to scary. The first one is a soft doe skin flogger. Used full swing it has only a mild sting. It is the first one used in a session and feels like leather rain falling on my back. The next one is elk. It is the heaviest of the three and all thud. Used too hard it takes away my breath. Used just right, it prepares my skin for the third flogger. I’m not sure what it is made from but it is a thicker, stiffer leather. Cow hide? The falls are thinner and it bites like a snake. This is the one that leave the tiger strips across my back. Love my stripes. Purrrr…..
　
Tools for the future? Switches, belt and other leather implements. Used lightly of course. And in the far future? I want to feel the cutting sting of a bull whip on my back. One time, just to say I did it. Neither one of us likes the cane. It takes too many swings to get good coverage.
　
Our schedule has gone from crazy to insane. It will stay that way for a while unfortunately. Not sure how DD will go. He has been too tired and when he is home I just want to be in his arms. We have become more distant. Living parallel lives. I see it and now he does too.
　

A Spanking Gone Wrong

He finally took the time to take care of my backside last night. Dragon wasn’t in a hurry but all I can say about is that it was bad.
　
WOWCHY
　
I wonder…. When I get spanked two or three times a week, it hurts but not as much. The swats are easier to take. I can stay in the position he puts me in without trying to wiggle away. When it has been a while, I just can’t do it. Before my skin was even warm, I was trying to get away. ….. Does my backside toughen up after a few regular sessions?
　
I think it does. I think the nerves in that most tender area shut down and deaden the pain of the paddle.
　
I could not stay still or quiet. He brought in a sexual element that I could not deal with. Sex. My mind could not comprehend the pain of the swats and the way he was touching me.
　
Should have called red.
Not sure why I didn’t.
　
Was it the length of time between spankings that made it so hard, my emotional state before the session or the sexual nature of the spanking that made it so hard. A combination of all three?
　
What was it about this session that left me feeling so disoriented? I’m not sure how I feel right now. I want to scream at him. I want to cry. I want to ….. I don’t know what I want to do.
　
One thing I am going to do is document every spanking I get in detail until I figure this out. What do I think went wrong? Sadness. I had been crying all day for the loss of a young woman. She was the same age as my Amber and had a baby boy. A life lost too soon and a little boy who will grow up without his mother. 
　
I wanted tenderness. I wanted him to understand. I wanted to be held.
　
　
　
　
　

Spanking (or lack of it)

Yes, this a DD blog. It is about our relationship as we figure this stuff out. This blog was started as we began to put our relationship back together after the Great Divide. We had a few years where we weren’t as close as we were before. Our marriage was as cold as ice. DD came after we started working to fix things between us. After we started dating again.
　
DD is still a part of our relationship, I think. Is it really though? I can feel myself going back to the way things were. Depression is creeping back. I can feel it creeping back like a dark cloud. My dirty mouth is back. As much as I try to contain it, without real consequences, there isn’t a reason to try.
　
Honestly we haven’t talked about DD very much lately. I haven’t mentioned it and neither has he. Stress relief happens when I ask for it. Life has been quiet around here. On the DD front. (not with my attitude) I promise, I’ll write a detailed post as soon as he steps back up to the plate. Every wiggle, every tear.
　
When he gets home tonight, I am going to talk to him. I am going to be the brave one. He has a tool box that has gone largely ignored.
　
Life sometimes gets in the way of living it. Even our camping trip last weekend was stress filled. It is time to put aside the crap, take out the garbage and figure this thing out. I need to get my one small task done and then get to my real to do list. I hope our talk tonight is productive. Somehow I bet it will end with a sore backside. MINE. Even knowing that, I don’t like were life is taking us. It is time to get back on track.

Time to get a wiggle on!
　

I Love The Way You Love Me

17 years ago I was so scared.

September 29, 1994  we did the deed.  We made the vow to love each other in sickness and in health.  For better or for worse.  As long as we both shall live. 

He Crossed His Heart and promised to love me forever.

　
He told me that I am Beautiful

　
He told me I could still wear white

He Became the Father he didn’t have to be

　


And I do so dearly Love The Way He Loves Me.

　
　
I love music. It is one of the many ways Dragon speaks to my heart. When he can’t get the words out, he finds a song to say it for him. We eloped September 29^th. On that day 17 years ago I was so scared. My heart was broken and damaged by cruel men. I was afraid to give love another chance. This man seemed too good to be true. Too kind. Too generous.
　
He isn’t perfect and you know I have my issues. What do we have? Each other.

Best friends.

Husband and Wife.

We made it one more year.


　
By Dragon's request.  One more song!  Love my man! ! !

　

His Arms

This has been a hard topic to write about. I keep trying but everything I write falls short. How can I tell you how good his arms feel wrapped around me? The comfort, the security, the love I feel when I am held so very close to his body?

I thought this would be an easy topic. That the emotion would imprint itself on the page as I write.
　
Nope. Not going to happen.
　
At night he would go to seep turned away from me. I have a small lamp on my side of the bed and usually fall asleep with it on. Every night around 11 I have an asthma attack. You can set your clock by it. I am sitting strait up in bed and he is snoring with his back to me. When my breathing returns to normal, I lay down and try to sleep.
　
With his back to me it is hard. I need to feel his arms around me. I need to know he is there.
　
Instead of pouting over his night time lapse, I said something. I asked him why he turns away now. And what does he do? He makes sure his arms are around me every night. As soon as I lay down I feel his weight shift as me moved to wrap me in his warmth.
　
In his arms

I feel loved. I know that I am his.
I feel secure. Chaos and worry do not exist
I feel warm. He warms my heart
I feel safe. Nothing can ever harm me when I am in his arms
In his arms I have learned to love and to trust another human being.
　

serenity, forgivness and unconditional love

My daughter keeps dropping little bomb shells on me. “Granny said this.” “Granny did that.”
　
I know she needs to vent and I really do want to know what went on while she was gone. But I am getting just a little bits and pieces of the story at a time. Amber needs to talk about what went on. She wants me to know what my mother thinks about me. The whole truth.
　
How can I keep forgiving? When do I finally say enough? When is it time to confront my mother?
　
Those are the burning questions. I know my husband will never allow her to spend any unsupervised time with the kids. Not after this summer. She spent two months doing her level best to turn Amber against me. I don’t want to let her spend any time with the kids. EVER! But I know that is the wrong attitude.
　
I want to confront her. I know it will have to be done with a quiet voice and calmly.
　
Shhh.. What to know a secret?
　
Don’t tell.
　
I have a temper and this woman hurt my child. I am one mad momma bear. She tried to turn my own child against me. What am I supposed to do with that?
　
I want to scream. I want to tell her how much she has hurt me once again with her selfishness. I want to throw all those years of abuse back in her face and prove to her once and for all that I am NOT an abusive mother. That I am a good wife. I want to make her hurt as much as she hurt me. I want to make her listen. I want to make her love her only daughter.
　
It all comes down to one thing.
　
I am a Christian lady.
　
I can’t scream at her like a lunatic. I can’t make her love me. I can’t make her see past her hate and jealousy
　
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen
　
That says it all. I’ll keep my mouth shut. I will work on my bad habit of holding on to anger and resentment. I’ll pray for my mother and I’ll remember the lessons I have learned about unconditional love. If something needs to be said in the future, Dragon will by my side. He will say what needs to be said. He is head of our house hold and protecting us from harm is ultimately his job.
　
God can do all things.  In his love, I will find my way out of this darkness.  Healing will come.

Living 15 Minutes at aTime

Our schedule is hectic. Dragon is taking some classes in addition to working full time and local volunteer work. The kids play sports and home school is in full swing. I am dealing with a spiteful teen who doesn’t want to live at home but dearly wants the coveted high school diploma. It is enough to send any self-respecting lady scrambling for the nearest hiding place.

Yes, TTWD is still part of our home. A big part but with so much going on, it is limited to quiet warnings and the evil glair. He is gone more than he is home right now. Dragon comes home, eats supper, studies for a few hours and starts snoring before he falls into bed. Add to that, this week is a 12 day work week.
　
I can’t ask him for help with the kids or Mt Never-Rest. I can’t ask him for help with the anxiety building in my stomach. I have what feels like a permanent case of indigestion.
　
So……
　
Where does that leave me? With Fly Lady. She is an angel in this house. I can’t do the routines she has on her page but I can modify them. “Anything can be done in 15 minutes. “ Is one of my favorite Fly sayings. “Perfectionism is a disease.” is the other.
　
I can’t work for long periods of time. My health just won’t allow me to have a cleaning day. I have to break things down into 15 minute fly mission and 30 minute breaks. Those are the magic numbers for me. And since I expect the kids to spend 45 minutes per subject that works out perfectly. Everything is based on having a routine and not being a perfectionist about it.
　
Routine and timer. I can do that. Easy. It is the perfectionist part that gets me.
　
I can do this.
　
Breath.
　
It only takes one step to walk a thousand miles. I only have to think about the next step in my day not the million or so things on my to do list.
　
Ready?
　
Set the timer!
　
MOVE! ! ! !