My daughter keeps dropping little bomb shells on me. “Granny said this.” “Granny did that.”
I know she needs to vent and I really do want to know what went on while she was gone. But I am getting just a little bits and pieces of the story at a time. Amber needs to talk about what went on. She wants me to know what my mother thinks about me. The whole truth.
How can I keep forgiving? When do I finally say enough? When is it time to confront my mother?
Those are the burning questions. I know my husband will never allow her to spend any unsupervised time with the kids. Not after this summer. She spent two months doing her level best to turn Amber against me. I don’t want to let her spend any time with the kids. EVER! But I know that is the wrong attitude.
I want to confront her. I know it will have to be done with a quiet voice and calmly.
Shhh.. What to know a secret?
Don’t tell.
I have a temper and this woman hurt my child. I am one mad momma bear. She tried to turn my own child against me. What am I supposed to do with that?
I want to scream. I want to tell her how much she has hurt me once again with her selfishness. I want to throw all those years of abuse back in her face and prove to her once and for all that I am NOT an abusive mother. That I am a good wife. I want to make her hurt as much as she hurt me. I want to make her listen. I want to make her love her only daughter.
It all comes down to one thing.
I am a Christian lady.
I can’t scream at her like a lunatic. I can’t make her love me. I can’t make her see past her hate and jealousy
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen
That says it all. I’ll keep my mouth shut. I will work on my bad habit of holding on to anger and resentment. I’ll pray for my mother and I’ll remember the lessons I have learned about unconditional love. If something needs to be said in the future, Dragon will by my side. He will say what needs to be said. He is head of our house hold and protecting us from harm is ultimately his job.
God can do all things. In his love, I will find my way out of this darkness. Healing will come.
I know she needs to vent and I really do want to know what went on while she was gone. But I am getting just a little bits and pieces of the story at a time. Amber needs to talk about what went on. She wants me to know what my mother thinks about me. The whole truth.
How can I keep forgiving? When do I finally say enough? When is it time to confront my mother?
Those are the burning questions. I know my husband will never allow her to spend any unsupervised time with the kids. Not after this summer. She spent two months doing her level best to turn Amber against me. I don’t want to let her spend any time with the kids. EVER! But I know that is the wrong attitude.
I want to confront her. I know it will have to be done with a quiet voice and calmly.
Shhh.. What to know a secret?
Don’t tell.
I have a temper and this woman hurt my child. I am one mad momma bear. She tried to turn my own child against me. What am I supposed to do with that?
I want to scream. I want to tell her how much she has hurt me once again with her selfishness. I want to throw all those years of abuse back in her face and prove to her once and for all that I am NOT an abusive mother. That I am a good wife. I want to make her hurt as much as she hurt me. I want to make her listen. I want to make her love her only daughter.
It all comes down to one thing.
I am a Christian lady.
I can’t scream at her like a lunatic. I can’t make her love me. I can’t make her see past her hate and jealousy
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen
That says it all. I’ll keep my mouth shut. I will work on my bad habit of holding on to anger and resentment. I’ll pray for my mother and I’ll remember the lessons I have learned about unconditional love. If something needs to be said in the future, Dragon will by my side. He will say what needs to be said. He is head of our house hold and protecting us from harm is ultimately his job.
God can do all things. In his love, I will find my way out of this darkness. Healing will come.
Rose,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you are where you are: saved and in a loving marriage. However, you have one problem, and that is your idea of "unconditional love." :)
There is a wussified idea going around that God loves us with "unconditional love" and that we are to love others with that same love. That is a wrong-headed idea. Of course God has conditions: it's called salvation. "IF (note the word "if"? It means CONDITIONS!)
"IF you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." Rom. 10:9
""As for the person who hears my words but does not keep them, I do not judge him. For I did not come to judge the world, but to save it. There is a judge for the one who rejects me and does not accept my words; that very word which I spoke will condemn him at the last day." John 12:47-48
Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. John 14:23
And the clincher? "If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love." John 15:10 - To remain in God's love, we must obey the commands of Jesus.
I'm giving you this because you have this idea that you have to extend unconditional love toward an abusive mother who is trying to destroy happiness that she denied herself. Yes, God loved us while we were yet sinners and sent Jesus to die for us. Yes, He does want your mother to come to know His son. But God will judge, is willing to assume the role of Final Judge, if she refuses Him. It's a hard fact; my own Dad actively moved to deny God as he was dying from cancer, so it's hard to write this.
But hard as that might be, you are under no obligation to put yourself, your daughter, or your family in a place of jeopardy because of a misconception of what love is. You have two obligations: 1 - love your mother. 2 - love your daughter and husband. When you married the Dragon, you, like all wives, left father and mother to become one with the Dragon. Your leaving diminished your obligation to your mother by placing your loyalty now with your husband.
So, yes, you are to love your mother, but within the boundaries of what is good for your marriage and family. You are not obligated to show her an "unconditional love" that sacrifices your marital peace and family well-being to her vicious and vindictive behavior.
Yes, you are right. The lessons I learned about unconditional love, I learned after my father passed away. I can hate what my parents did to me but still love them. I can make sure my kids have a better life. I am called to honor her. That can be done from a distance, with birthday cards and email. I don’t have to let her in my home and I don’t have to let her spend more than a few hours at a time with my kids. I can protect them from her hate filled mind. I can distance myself. I don’t have to let her continue to hurt us.
ReplyDeleteBottom line? I will protect my family. If that means distancing myself from my mother, so be it.
Thank you for your input.
Ps Amber is not my daughters name. I won't use real names on a DD blog.
ReplyDeleteAah, that's hard. Yes, you can forgive your mother and decide whether or not to confront her. Only you can know if in the long term that is a good idea. But yes, protecting your daughter from the negative influence is important. It's just too hard on kids to have to figure out, which she is obviously trying to do. Will pray for you as you have these hard talks with your girl and figure out how to set up healthy boundaries with your mom.
ReplyDelete