Saturday, January 25, 2014


As some of you know,  I am in classes to enter the Catholic Church.   It is called RCIA.  Sorry,  can't remember what that stands for.   I am working on an annulment and I have my first confession coming up.

I am terrified.  

What do I confess?

Pre marital sex is probably at the top of the list.But I do so mumuch more within the confines of marriage.   Is kinky sex a sin?   I am not going to give those kinds of details to a man who has taken a vow of chastity.   That would be so wrong.  

How about spanking and DD?  Hey, my husband floggs me until I bleed and I really get off on it.  Oh, he spanks my butt for punishment too.  

Can you imagine the poor priest?   He would be scandalized.   Not to mention that I really don't think most of it is sin.  

Yes, I am stressed over this.   It has my poor stomach in knots.   I have heard about worksheets but the only ones I can find are for kids.  

What is the worst that can happen?   I won't get communion.   That is it.  


I need to get over this...


  1. What you do is between you and God, the man in that box is not God. If you have asked for forgiveness for anything you feel is needed, it's already been granted.

    1. This is the one thing that absolutely terrifies me about the church. Silly, I know. He is just a man.

    2. I read Anon's comments and your comment that you feel you are just getting cliff notes. I was born and raised catholic and went to catholic schools right through high school. Let me tell you, if you obey the golden rule that is all you need to know.

      The rest is just stuff made up by men.

  2. I agree with Sunnygirl, what you do is between you and God, not some man with a collar that was given to him by another man.

  3. I'm Catholic too. I HATE confession and rarely go.
    I think it is between you and God and you have probably already said sorry to God.
    Confession is about making good with the community too, that's where the priest comes in. But what happens between you and your husband does not affect anyone else so it does not need to be confessed. In my opinion.

    1. True. First comes the annulment. Our parish is huge and growing very fast. The priest is overwhelmed. These things take time.

  4. Confession is a good thing, and confession to another human being is also a good thing. It's a funny thing... the Protestant idea of the "priesthood of the believer" has given us the great understanding that we can go straight to God ourselves rather than through another person; but at the same time, we have lost our understanding that we can still all act as "priests" for each other, hearing each other's confessions. I just want to affirm that if you are choosing to be Catholic, there is something good about confession to God in the presence of another human being.

    And you are very wise to leave out details while yet listing your sins, in the case of a celibate priest.

    Of course, when we confess, we are only confessing sins, right? So your real question seems to be whether kinky sex in all the versions you mention, inside marriage, is sin.

    My background is ministry and theology. The answer is No. It most definitely is not. As long as the activities within your marriage are God-honoring in their essence and mutually edifying, they are permissible. No matter that some of the activities may appear to be demeaning on the outside (such as spanking or other consequences or forms of accountability), it is all about the spirit in which they are engaged and the spiritual effects for the two of you involved.

    There are deeply spiritual, good reasons that the activities you mention are satisfying to you, because they seem to be a way of facilitating certain spiritual experiences and embracing certain spiritual realities.

    Sex is designed by God to point to Himself, as a picture of union within the Godhead and of union between God and man that God offers. That union between God and man definitely involves dominance and submission, confession and redemption and accountability. Exactly how each married couple acts out those spiritual realities in their marriage is up to them. Some enjoy the symbols of dominance and submission that are involved in Dd/ and D/s activities. By God's designed, these are inextricably bound up in our sexuality.

    I might encourage a little caution in regard to "going too far" in the area of actual physical damage. If we consider that God speaks to us through creation (in addition to Word and Sacrament), then part of that creation is our bodies. If our bodies are experiencing much actual damage or harm through our activities, it might be a caution to us.

    But is going "too far" in this way to be considered sin?

    Again, it goes back to the heart of things. I think that it may be that the reason that people escalate to the point of some physical harm is that they seek the endorphin rush, and it's taking more and more physical impact to get the same brain chemical response. They have built up a tolerance in the same way that someone who is addicted to pornography finds that it takes more and faster and weirder porn (often of the types that do not actually interest them, being outside their natural proclivities, but they are needing MORE in whatever way they can get it) to get the same endorphin high.

    In this case, we may well have become sex addicts, so that our activities are unhealthy or out of balance, and yes, this is possible, even inside marriage.

    The actual physical activity itself has become a substitute for the real spiritual experience that the physical activity is supposed to be facilitating.

    In that case, the activity may become sin, and can be confessed as such, in the most general terms.

    Part two is below. I'm sorry it's so long. Please feel free to delete if you don't like it.

  5. This "pushing the envelope" in the intensity of the activity to the point of some physical or emotional or spiritual harm may also indicate a different, more insidious sin than "addiction".

    That sin would be that we are basically substituting our spouse in place of God in meeting our deepest needs. For a wife in a submissive role, it can be quite easy to focus so thoroughly on her husband that her husband ends up becoming her idol. The intensity of needing more intense pain or extreme humiliation or deeper submission can come because the husband has become the idol instead of being one through whom she is encountering God and growing closer to Him.

    Instead, the husband (as well as each and every one of us in our various roles) is to be an icon, a window through which she sees God and encounters Him. When that happens, the deepest spiritual needs are met. She grows and develops spiritually, in a healthy, balanced way. This makes escalation in unhealthy ways unnecessary, because she is getting her "MORE" by going deeper, into the actual spiritual encounter, rather than stopping short of that spiritual reality by making her husband or the physical experience itself an idol.

    So, unless you think you may be a sex addict inside your marriage, or that you have allowed your husband to become your idol in place of God, I would confess none of the activities you are engaging in with Dragon as sin, because they are not.

    If you feel that you may be guilty of either of the other sins, you might confess them only in the vaguest terms, if that is allowed. "I think I have allowed my husband to take the place of God in my life," and no sexual details. The sexual details are almost irrelevant. That sin could show up in a multitude of ways. It's the sin that counts.

    Apart from a couple of core issues that we are wise to keep an eye on, "kinky sex" within the confines of marriage and mutual consent are fully ours to enjoy. The test of those activities as being from "light" or "darkness" is whether they are mutually edifying and bring us closer to God.

    What do you think of this?

    1. Thank you Annon. I just wish that I knew who to thank. There is no worry in replacing God's place in my life for my husband's attention. We seldom have the privacy to do the fun stuff. I like the marks because it gives me a lasting sensation. I can feel my husband's touch even when he is at work.

      I don't even know where to begin with confession. I was born into the Baptist faith following a calling into the Catholic Church. There is so much to learn. I feel like I am getting the cliff notes version from the class
      One step at a time.

    2. Yay! It sounds like you are on a great spiritual journey, and that you don't need to confess anything related to Dd.

      I go by the name Beth Elle.

  6. Anonymous did a really good job. I would add that we as Catholics do believe that when you sin you harm both your relationship with God and your relationship with the community and the priest is there to offer forgiveness from both. Also, I strongly believe that secrets have power and when they are shared with someone else, they lose their power. The priest won't remember what you say and he will never speak of it to anyone, but he will also provide guidance and forgiveness. You can't underestimate hearing the words of absolution. At least for me, I tend towards beating myself up about things and when I hear the words of forgiveness, I stop the self flagellation. I am free of those burdens.

    I would echo that despite press to the opposite, Catholics see sex as good and studies have shown that married Catholics actually have the best sex lives. The way a husband and wife interact with each other is a unitive process and how you express your love for each other and spanking is a way to connect for you, I don't think that is a sin. As far as confessing sexual sins, the thing to remember is that your conscience is the final arbiter in whether or not something is a sin, not the church. If you have a properly formed conscience (which is a work in progress for everyone) then you will know when you are sinning and when you aren't. That is what the examination of conscience is all about. It is about leading an examined life. It is about looking at your actions and judging the worthiness of them. Are you behaving as a child of God or are you missing the mark? Going to confession is about telling God you are aware of where you have missed the mark and that you are going to try to do better in that area.

    Confession is a good thing. You don't believe it now, having not gone before, but you won't believe how wonderful you feel afterward. You may have driven to the church, but you will feel like you can fly home. It also is amazing how it mirrors the rhythm of a dd relationship when you are in trouble. You come and admit your faults, there is discussion, forgiveness and finally penance (which is not punishment, but a way of showing you are going to try to avoid the sins in the future and more importantly it is often prayers and how better to mend a relationship with someone than by spending time together) and then it is forgotten never to be mentioned again. You are forgiven and you can let it go.

    As far as figuring out what you need to confess, there will be things that you look back on in your life that you aren't proud of, that still bother you. Those are the things you should confess. In addition, you don't have to give chapter and verse of why you did something or what the circumstances were, you can just mention you did something and go on. For example, "I stole a fur coat from Saks Fifth Avenue". No details about why or how just state the sin and move on. That might make things easier too.

    If you want to e-mail me, I would be happy to be a listening ear. I have often fielded questions from non-Catholics, those coming into the church and those who are just curious. I am not easily offended, so you can ask me anything and I will do the best I can to give you an honest answer.

    1. This is exactly why Dd is so powerful for those to whom the symbols and experiences of Dd speak:

      "Confession is a good thing. You don't believe it now, having not gone before, but you won't believe how wonderful you feel afterward. You may have driven to the church, but you will feel like you can fly home. It also is amazing how it mirrors the rhythm of a dd relationship when you are in trouble. You come and admit your faults, there is discussion, forgiveness and finally penance (which is not punishment, but a way of showing you are going to try to avoid the sins in the future and more importantly it is often prayers and how better to mend a relationship with someone than by spending time together) and then it is forgotten never to be mentioned again. You are forgiven and you can let it go."

      Very well said. Dd is simply ONE way of practicing spiritual formation in the home, mirroring the spiritual realities that occur between us and God and within the spiritual community.

      Beth Elle

    2. So far everything I have learned makes sense, even confession. I tend to beat myself up over things. That is why we started dd and I think confession will help. It doesn't make that first trip into the confessional any easier.

      I have an appointment with the priest Monday to speak with the priest and an appointment to speak with the RCIA director Thursday. I hope to get some answers then.

  7. I am Catholic and never go to confession. Jesus never said we had to tell our sins to a priest. I am uncomfortable with the whole process of confession, focusing on the negative aspects of our humanity. I believe that our sins are forgiven when we ask God for forgiveness. However I often speak about my mistakes or failings to help me over the guilt, but it is my choice to share. I am not being forced to 'list' my sins.
    My faith taught me that any sexual act within the marriage is okay. (as long as you are okay with it.)

    1. Well, I have to go at least once. After that? I'll have to wait and see.

  8. Okay mother is a devout Catholic and my dad wasn't but he had to promise to raise us kids in the church in order for them to be married in the church. His idea of raising us Catholic was to send us to Catholic schools and make us attend services on Sundays and church holidays. Now I tell people I was a Catholic until I reached the age of reason...yup...peeves a few at the top of the list. Bottom line...I disagreed with quite a bit of what the church advocates. However, I respect the right for everyone to be a part of whatever particular faith brings them comfort. As far as what you should confess...whatever violations of the 10 commandments you have committed. DD/TTWD does not violate the 10 commandments. As far as the church tenets go...I honestly don't remember any of them even touching on DD/TTWD. Bottom confession...KISS it...Keep It Simple Silly and don't let yourself get worked up.

    Whatever your faith, it should bring you bring you comfort and joy...not stress you. If it stresses you, maybe it's not right for you.

    Okay...that was my opinion which along with a dollar will get you a cheap cup of coffee.

    Sending lots of prayers and positive energy your way.


    1. Even when my parents didn't go to church growing up, I did. There were a few short years here and there that I stayed away but I always came back. Confession is one small part of the church. Required only once a year and with the priest we have I shouldn't be afraid. It is just so different.

  9. Makes me happy to be Jewish. No worries about confession except when my Master says talk!!!

    1. Lol I am sure that once it is over with, I will wonder what I was so afraid of.