"Dominate Me"

I said those words sometime in the month of November 1993.  I didn’t know what I wanted.  I couldn’t tell him in words that made any sense.   Standing at the foot of my bed, in my tiny house, I said those words to the boy who would become the man I love so very much. 

There has always been that need.  Those two words.  “Dominate Me”   Now we know what those words mean.  The answer was in the Bible all along.  It was there the whole time.  In black and white.  The roles of a husband and wife written out in our very own guidebook for life.  A husband should be the head of his household even as God is the head of man.  Hmm.  Imagine that.  He should be a leader in is own home.  The wife should submit to her husbands leadership.
 
God had it right the whole time.  It was written right there.

We are moving at a slower pace than what I would like.  I want to dive into the pool before making sure it is filled with water.  He moves methodically, one step at a time.  We are both learning and growing.  We are closer than ever.   He has always had the look.  The one that tells me I have messed up.  Now, there is authority behind that look.  It is there because I submit to him and he has stepped into his role as HOH.  Under is leadership, I feel loved, safe and in control.  Resentment raises it’s nasty head at times.  He corrects me and I want to lash out in anger.  It isn’t all roses and smiles.  That rose has thorns too and a few aphids.  We are both growing.  Although I have been working at being  a submissive wife, now that I have a leader, submission has a new meaning. 

This weekend he showed me just how far we have come.  I could finally see it.  He wanted to make love.  I wanted to make coffee.  The loopy johnny came out and took care of my attitude.    It wasn’t a punishment but rather an attitude adjustment.  It started out with a few light swings, then turned much harder.  I counted 15 swats before he gave me a break.  Then 10 more.  I decided coffee could wait.  My man was more important. 

I feel guilty when I deny him this most basic need men have.  So, why do I still do it?  Maybe to hold on to that last big of control.  I don’t do it to be mean or punish him.  I’m sure that is how it has felt to him.  When I tell him no, I can see the hurt in his eyes.  I know it is wrong but still I do it.  In a way, he is protecting me from myself.  We made love.  He didn’t take me by force.  All I needed was for him to stand up and take control.  I felt no guilt and was in a better state of mind all day. 

Who knew that a little lovemaking in the morning could do so much.?  Now I know the meaning of those words spoken years ago.