no tears

He looks at me with disapproval, his shoulders drop and my eyes fill with tears. A chair is moved to the bedroom. His tools are lined up neatly within his reach. He sits in the chair and calls me to him. My heart stops. Jeans and panties removed, he positions me for his comfort. The first blow falls in that most sensitive spot and my tears are instantly gone. Soon it is over and I am in his arms. All is forgiven. No guilt. No anger. And still no tears.

I don’t understand.

"Dominate Me"

I said those words sometime in the month of November 1993.  I didn’t know what I wanted.  I couldn’t tell him in words that made any sense.   Standing at the foot of my bed, in my tiny house, I said those words to the boy who would become the man I love so very much. 

There has always been that need.  Those two words.  “Dominate Me”   Now we know what those words mean.  The answer was in the Bible all along.  It was there the whole time.  In black and white.  The roles of a husband and wife written out in our very own guidebook for life.  A husband should be the head of his household even as God is the head of man.  Hmm.  Imagine that.  He should be a leader in is own home.  The wife should submit to her husbands leadership.
 
God had it right the whole time.  It was written right there.

We are moving at a slower pace than what I would like.  I want to dive into the pool before making sure it is filled with water.  He moves methodically, one step at a time.  We are both learning and growing.  We are closer than ever.   He has always had the look.  The one that tells me I have messed up.  Now, there is authority behind that look.  It is there because I submit to him and he has stepped into his role as HOH.  Under is leadership, I feel loved, safe and in control.  Resentment raises it’s nasty head at times.  He corrects me and I want to lash out in anger.  It isn’t all roses and smiles.  That rose has thorns too and a few aphids.  We are both growing.  Although I have been working at being  a submissive wife, now that I have a leader, submission has a new meaning. 

This weekend he showed me just how far we have come.  I could finally see it.  He wanted to make love.  I wanted to make coffee.  The loopy johnny came out and took care of my attitude.    It wasn’t a punishment but rather an attitude adjustment.  It started out with a few light swings, then turned much harder.  I counted 15 swats before he gave me a break.  Then 10 more.  I decided coffee could wait.  My man was more important. 

I feel guilty when I deny him this most basic need men have.  So, why do I still do it?  Maybe to hold on to that last big of control.  I don’t do it to be mean or punish him.  I’m sure that is how it has felt to him.  When I tell him no, I can see the hurt in his eyes.  I know it is wrong but still I do it.  In a way, he is protecting me from myself.  We made love.  He didn’t take me by force.  All I needed was for him to stand up and take control.  I felt no guilt and was in a better state of mind all day. 

Who knew that a little lovemaking in the morning could do so much.?  Now I know the meaning of those words spoken years ago. 

Learning Curve

This morning I asked him about ttwd. “Are we doing this? Is this something you even want? Where are we going with ttwd? “

He didn’t have much to say about the topic. What he did have to say held more meaning than any speech I have ever heard.

“Have you noticed that you have rules to follow now?”

I answered with a very quietly, “yes, a few.”

“Did you have rules before?”

think, think, think, “No, I can’t think of any.”

“You need to know what your limits are and what the rules are before I can hold you accountable.”

By this time my heart was beating a hundred miles an hour. We had one of those uncomfortable silent moments.

“How can I hold you accountable when neither one us of knows what the rules are?”

“Ok, I guess you can’t. So when is that first punishment going to happen?”

“When we both know what to expect and when you break a rule bad enough to deserve it.”

Now I know he hasn’t just given this up as a passing fad. He is doing what he does. He is building our house on the rock. Every angle examined, every board secured, the roof perfect. Measure twice, cut once. He wants to make sure we have our house and relationship in order before he dives into ttwd head first. He corrects my attitude more, has set a bed time and assigned one task to be done every day. He is slowly taking me in hand. One baby step forward at a time. It almost slipped by unnoticed.

Somewhere along the line he began to see that I need structure and his is providing it. So far it hasn’t felt restrictive. It feels safe. We are both in a learning curve here. I am learning how to fully step into my role as a submissive wife. He is learning how to be the HOH and how to take his stubborn wife in hand. I thought our journey had stalled. I thought that these 12 hr work days were a step backwards. Boy was I ever wrong.

I am loved by a strong man and I love him back with all my heart. What we have together is precious. It holds too much value to take lightly. Now I know where he stands. I can see what he is doing. He didn’t just sit down and write out a list of rules. When he sees something that bothers him, he tells me and we work it out together. I think that is just the way it should be. One day he may set a rule with no discussion. For now, I’m happy that I have a little input in the matter. The rules are not written down in a book. They are not carved in stone. There aren’t many but we both know what they are. I feel safe, secure and very much loved.

Now my next question. Will I have any warning? Is he just going to come out and say. “Ok, we’re ready” or will I find out we are there when I find myself on the painful side of the paddle? I’ll have to ask that one soon.

GET A GRIP

I don’t do change. When my little corner of the world changes, I fall apart. Oh but it is just a small change. Three hours added onto the end of Dragons work day. What sounds like a small change is huge for my family. I am on my own for so many things he is usually by my side for. Tuesday starts another week with him working these long hours.

Last week was a crash and burn week. I was short tempered. Every thing frustrated me. Nothing went my way. I ended up with a sore backside and an improved temper when Dragon finally got tired of my attitude. Harder than a simple stress relief but it didn’t come with a lecture like a punishment would. It was simply an attitude adjustment. It worked for a few days. I know I should be more supportive right now. He does not have an easy job, nor does he work for people that are easy to please.

Already my mouth has started getting me in trouble this week. He cooked supper Sunday night. Burritos. It was an easy, fast meal for what had been a busy day. The table was covered in sewing supplies, so we decided to break the house rules and eat in the living room. He asked me to help the kids fix their plates. Most of our children are old enough to do that job for themselves. I called them to the kitchen and I was ignored. (probably because I was having an asthma attack and couldn’t speak much over a whisper) He fussed at me because I hadn’t helped them yet. I don’t know how to fix their plates. I haven’t don’t that for a few years now.

Ok you get the idea. Supper was a disaster. Tired Dad, Mom with an asthma attack and 4 kids that weren’t listening. And what do I do? The ever patient piece maker in the houses looses her temper. I couldn’t yell very loud but it wasn’t for lack of trying. I let him have it. I was frustrated with the crowded kitchen, the spices that triggered my breathing problems, getting fussed at and ignored all at the same time.

I had a major mommy melt down moment.

He gave me “the look”. I just knew I was going to get spanked. He sat down on the couch and ate his dinner in silence. I nibbled on an orange beside him, worried the entire time and all for nothing. I asked him about it just before bed.

“Yes, I thought about spanking you but I was too angry. I can’t take my frustration out on you.”
Should I be grateful he was that angry? I’m not. If I could take some of his worry away, I would. My hands are tied. All I can do is pray for him and for us.

I can feel my frustration building again. At him. At the children. I want to scream, “GET A GRIP PEOPLE!” I know who really needs to get a grip. That would be me. The kids are doing what they always do. He is dealing with the stress the best way he knows how. I need to do my job and make our home a restful place for him to come home to. I need to be the piece maker.

I don’t know how I’m going to handle this week. I pray that I can keep a positive attitude both inside and out. Let’s see if I can make it to the weekend without a sore backside.

How to Defrost a Frozen Wife

Shivers It is COLD! ! ! I am a southern girl. I grew up between central Alabama and the Florida panhandle. Sunny beaches, mild winters and warm summers. I thought 40 was frigid. Fast forward to this week. Lets just say that I live a little further north. We rarely get above freezing from late November to mid March. Shivers. I am just not made for this kind of weather. 60F is as cold as I ever want it to get outside. Yep it is cold and I feel like a frozen block of ice.

I curled up under the covers a few nights ago sill dressed for the day. I was shivering so hard, the bed was shaking. My Dragon smiled at me and went to the bathroom. He left for a few minutes, came back and I heard water splash in the tub. A few seconds latter, the scent of lavender filled the room. He motioned for me to join him. Quickly, he undressed me, one piece of clothing at a time. Dragon pushed my hands away when I tried to help him. He helped me step into the tub filled with bubbles and sat a glass of ice water within easy reach.

After I settled down into the water, he disappeared again. When he came back, he was carrying a small boiler. Strange, but ok. I closed my eyes and relaxed. The water was perfect. Something warm touched my arm and chest. I‘m not sure when he had time to warm the lava rocks. He used a warm rock to massage the tense muscles in my shoulders. Just as I started to drift off to sleep in the water, I let the water drain the last bit of tension away. He helped me stand and dried that spot that always gets missed on my back.

In the bedroom, he pulled the covers up just to my waist. My Dragon wasn’t finished yet. He continued the back massage with the lava rocks and shea butter. I slept nice and warm for one night, wrapped snugly in his arms. I feel loved.

Forever

We did things backwards. I had a job that kept me away from home for days at a time. I worked long hours for what seems like pennies now. I wanted to be at home. The problem is that I didn’t want a man to ever support me. We struck a deal that ended with us in the court house. We were dressed in our very best clothes. Both of us terrified. We eloped on a warm September afternoon and the justice of the piece did the deed. We were married. We had the big wedding Jan 7 1995. It feels like just yesterday but seems like an eternity.

We have made it last. Not for the kids but for us. Life without him would be too lonely, too miserable. I don’t even want to think about it. When we took that final step we set a goal. We want to celebrate our 75 anniversary. We have many years to go. When you take that vow it should be forever. We have had for better and for worse. We have had in sickness and in health. We are still together. No one told us how bad worse could get.

A few years ago trust was broken. I didn’t know if my heart would ever heal. Did the “D” word come to mind? Yes it did but it quickly left. As much as it hurt to be with him, it would have hurt more to be without him. We started dating. We acted like we were 20 years old all over again. Meeting for the first time. We had a first date, a first kiss. We held hands and talked about the future. Worse hurts but we made it. And now we are closer than ever.

Today is our anniversary and it will look like every other day. Filled with responsibilities. We won’t have a date night. Instead we will do our civic duty. When the sun goes down and the kids are in bed, we will open a cheap bottle of champaign and share a toast. When I get off the computer to clean the kitchen, I will take our wedding glasses off the top shelf, wash them carefully and have them ready. Tonight we will celebrate US.

Each day is a gift from God. Every day I have with my husband is precious. The hard times have made us stronger. They remind us to look to God for guidance and to hold each other close. We have made it one more year. May we have many more years together.

Ready...Set the timer.....MOVE....

If I had to rate my pain level when I woke up this morning, it would have been an 8.  I had a stretch of relatively pain free days.  This morning caught me by surprise.  My hip, hand and head.  I wanted to curl up in a dark room and wallow is self pity.  When it gets that bad, it is hard to function.  My leg doesn’t want to support me but it hurts to hold the walking stick.  Oh poor me.
 
A crash and burn day right? 

Nope.  I fixed a pot of coffee, ate some breakfast and set the timer.  5 min on the elliptical at a slow easy pace, stretches and a little yoga. Nothing high impact.  Just enough to say I moved today.  I set the timer again for 15 min and cleaned.  Yep.  I did house work with my pain levels so high.  The world doesn’t stop turning just because my body is screaming at me.

As long as I have the timer I think I can do it.  Little 15 min sprints and rest time.  Even if I can’t get much more done today, it hasn’t been a lost cause.  I got out of bed and moved.  My house is cleaner.  Laundry is done and the kids are doing their school work.  Mission accomplished.

I’m not sure how DD can help on days like today.  I just had to decide that the pain wasn’t going to keep me in bed all day.  Taking a guess here and this is just a guess.  I don’t think my Dragon would discipline me for staying still today.  But that wouldn’t accomplish anything.  It would feed the depression and my body would hurt even more. 

I have a few more things I want to get done today.  Just 15 min on each task.  I can do that much.  It is amazing what you can do in 15 min
. 
Ready…..Set the timer…..MOVE(yes, I am a fluttering fly baby)  http://www.flylady.net/


Ps
I asked my husband for accountability with the house work.  I thought he would start with just a small task he wanted me to do every day.  But oh no.  He wants me to attack his “pet peeve” head on.  The kitchen.  Clean everyday when he gets home from work.  Empty dish washer, clean sink, counters cleared and floor swept and mopped.  How am I supposed to do that today?  He would understand if I skipped out on it today but what about tomorrow?  I better try to get something done in there today.  I don’t want to see his shoulders drop tonight. 

A new year a better year

As I look forward to the new year, I have hopes of a better year.  New fitness goals, a plan to loose this bacon butt of mine and sewing projects lined up for the next 6 months.  I have a corset going and another one planned.  Fabric for a skating costume is waiting and there are two new baby girls in my extended family.  So much sewing to do.  And I need to get my kids back to the books.  That will be the hardest part.  I gave them a full two weeks off.  Never done that before. 

This year is coming in with a roar.   My to-do list keeps growing and it looks like my Dragon will be out of commission for a few months.  Hopefully this surgery will lower his pain level.  He won’t be able to cut or tip bones for a while.  And I will have to drive everywhere.  Not looking forward to that at all.  My oldest child goes back to see the allergist this week.  She breaks out in hives once or twice a week.  We need to figure out what is making her so sick.  Living with an epi pen close by is a fact of life now.  I know it probably will be for years to come.  It would just be nice to know what foods we need to avoid. 

Last year my to-do list was just as long and my hopes for the year were high.  I did the crash and burn thing.  This year I am starting with high hopes again but now my husband has a new tool to motivate me.  Since we have started DD, he is more relaxed.  All he has to do is pick up the paddle and I move.  Some days nothing works but most of the time just the knowledge that the paddle is waiting is enough to get me on my feet.  Pathetic that it takes a threat to get me out of bed.  I know.  But this depression is hard to beat. 

Why is the depression bug so hard to fight?  I don’t know why I can’t just get over this.  I’m re-entering life in quick little sprints.  My sprints today got the Christmas decorations put away.  My husband brought in the boxes and all I had to do was pack them.  The kids cleaned the living room up very nice.  Now the elliptical needs to be moved from the mud room back to its place in the living room.  I even got the lining sewn into my corset.  This one is going together so much easier than the last one.   I got a lot done but every bit of it was forced.  I felt like a puppet moving on strings. 

I am trying.  I guess that counts for something.  Breath.  One step at a time.