Thursday, June 2, 2016

Submitting

Talk is easy.  We have talked about what we want. The direction we want to go in and areas that I really want to push my limits.

In just a few days I will be heading home.  I am nervous.  How can I do this?

It has been nearly 4 years since I had a punishment spanking.  He was newly retired and we had just moved into our new house.  We were sleeping on camp beds and cooking in the camper.  Our refrigerator was a cooler lined with dry ice.

I remember how hard it was to put my hands on the seat of the motorcycle.  To stay still as he counted out 30 swats.  They came hard and fast. I remember struggling to stay in place. To stay quiet.

How can I do that again? I question it but I crave the release.  Other punishments are a deterrent for sure but they just don't have the same effect.  The guilt still sticks to my heart.

Privacy is another issue we discussed.  I am going to give up even more.  There was a time when I wouldn't undress in the room with him.  I wouldn't even change my blouse in front of him.  Over the years I have learned how to trust him.  I'm comfortable sitting beside him completely nude.  The last shred of my shyness around Dragon is going to be gone.  No more hiding my body from him.

That is scary!

Morning temperatures are coming back.  Dragon wants sex without a condom. Tracking my cycle with multiple methods is absolutely essential to preventing pregnancy and I really don't want another baby.  Since morning oral temperatures aren't accurate, not enough moisture in my mouth, that leaves two options.  Vaginal or rectal. We shall see which he chooses.  Yes, even that will be a challenge for me. Touching me in a different way for a purpose. (Shivers) When he is home, he will also do the cervical check later in the day. He says that he gets most of the benefit so he should get some of the responsibility too.

Things Dragon has learned since we began our journey:
1. My bottom won't break when you smack it with a paddle
2. A bruise bottom is a good thing
3. A little bit of embarrassment won't do permanent damage.
4. If I have agreed to do something in negotiations then back out, that is a discipline issue.  Dishonesty is not allowed.
5. A fear reaction isn't the time to back off.  It is a time for reassurance, patience and a little push.

He had told me these things.  Not in a list but in conversation and negotiation. 4 and 5 are new.

I didn't write a all the new things we discuss. The new routines and rituals put into place. Some of them will stick. Some of them won't.  They are all designed to bring us closer together. To build trust and knock down the few remaining barriers we have.

A lot of thought went into the things we talked about.  Wants, needs, submission, control.

It will pay off.  I can do this. Baby steps.

14 comments:

  1. I have always thought a Master performing a daily cervical check makes a nice routine.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is going to be a challenge for me.

      Delete
  2. Sounds like growth is on its way. Master believes that stagnation is to be avoided, growth and change are good things. Never easy...well not usually...but in the end.. a good thing. Good Luck...hugs abby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It feels like we have been moving backwards for the last few years. I'm more than ready to move forward again.

      Delete
  3. "He says that he gets most of the benefit so he should get some of the responsibility too."

    I love this, what a good man!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We have used NFP for years. More off than on. So far so good. It works better when we both take responsibility.

      Delete
  4. So very proud of you, Rose. You two have come so far and overcome so much...have faith in both of you. Sending positive energy for your continuing journey.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hopefully this is a real step for and not two steps back.

      Delete
  5. Sending positive vibes!! Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll need it! I trust Dragon. Now I need to trust myself.

      Delete
  6. For me the vulnerability to let the process happen is often a challenge but the incredible strength and peace with one's self that lasts long after is well worth it! The issue remains, remembering that before and during! LOL.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I tend to go all lizard-brained when faced with a punishment. All fear. I forget that he won't hurt me and I forget the great after effects. That's what I am working on.

      Delete