BOXES!

We have officially been here for 4 years and I STILL have BOXES that haven't been sorted.  AND my daughter is here.  That means baby clothes.  Lots of baby clothes.  Things I have saved from all four of them.

Can I say that I am overwhelmed?

I have been avoiding this task with great success.

I thought that my skillful procrastination had gone unnoticed.

I was wrong.

This morning I got a warning and the look.

Complete Alpha male.  Totally HOH.

Do you ever wonder why I get so few punishments?  First I go to great lengths to avoid them.  When Dragon goes all HOH on me, I sit up and listen. Second Dragon likes the fun kind of spanking much better. I admit that I do too.

5 boxes sorted and about 5 more to go. And the baby clothes....

This will never end but I may just get a good girl spanking out of it!  I know Dragon wants to play with the new violet wand too.  Fun!

High Complements

Out of nowhere, one of my daughters gave me the highest complement.

"You and Dad are my relationship goal.  I want what you have."

I hope she remembers that we have had to walk through shell to get here.  Hurt feelings, anger, loss, broken trust and mental illness.

I have great kids.

Uneven Sting

We were about to leave. Another family gathering full of stress and all the issues that come with extended family. Dragon took me out to the garage.  The room was hot but the little window air conditioner helped.

Dragon gestured to the bench we use for spanking.  It is the perfect height to support my hips.  My head drops down on the other side and I have a convenient hand hold.  Since I still had on my dress from church, Dragon simply lifted the hem and folded the fabric neatly across my back.  I felt the smooth silk of my panties slide down to my knees.

We couldn't take long.  It was time to leave but I was a mess.  Dragon was determined to take care of my backside before I got into real trouble.

He began with soft warm up swats.  Probably around 20 if I had to guess. Then he asked for a number. How many hard swats?  He expects me to ask for 2-8.  That is the usual range.  Without much thought I picked 4. An even number.  Two for each sit spot. A good burn without being uncomfortable for the two hour drive.

Left, right.  Two swats. My eyes burned with tears that fast and my backside was on fire.  A swat across both cheeks and the last one went to the left.

My backside was on fire but I hate an uneven burn.

Yes, I asked for a fifth swat.  But as always, Dragon did what he wanted.  He landed two rapid fire swats.  He put my panties back in place and pulled my dress down, straightening the hem before he helped me stand.

I made the two hour drive with an uneven spanking.

He just doesn't understand....
(I am probably a little ocd about these things.  Sigh)

Appearances

On the surface they look like a perfect family.  Successful.  They have a pool in the back yard and drive cars that are the envy of the neighborhood.  They throw the best parties.

On the surface it looks like the American dream.

But

If you look closer you notice that the happy couple don't smile at each other.  They don't touch.  They barely speak to each other.  Then you find out that their kids aren't perfect either.  One is a dropout and the another has a felony arrest.  Oops. Those kids hate their parents.

I'll take my imperfect family.  We fight.  We slam doors. We drive old cars.  Ill take the hard times along with the good.

Why?

We look at each other with love.  We know how to forgive.  The pronouns we and us are more common than I, me and my.  our house is messy but it is filled with love.

Interrupted

We had cloud rotation right above our home and flooding.  Hail was hitting the windows making a racket.

Nope.  No spanking last night of any kids.  This morning Dragon noticed a bruise on my bottom.  Right on my sit spot from my last spanking.  Unless it is a punishment that needs to happen immediately he doesn't like to spank over bruising.  Even without the weather interruption I probably wouldn't have been spanked anyway.  Dragon takes care of me.

That said, this punishment is simply delayed.  When I talked to him

I did manage to make real progress with obedience though.  Dragon is slowly taking away all privacy from me.  It is hard but I understand the need.  Every day obedient makes it easier when it is something important. It helps that I have safe words.

Maintenance and Consequences

Before I left for my trip, Dragon decided that Sunday was maintenance day.  A stiff, not very fun spanking to reaffirm our roles and ensure my submission.  It didn't take him long to add a Wednesday session and morning swats with the belt. (Remember when I couldn't even take one swat with the belt?  Now I get 5 every morning)

 I don't usually cry with any kind of spanking but these were harder than even my worst punishment before.  I think he has finally figured out that my bottom won't break.  And that he won't damage my mind by busting my backside.

We are slowly getting back on track. Wednesday we had a stiff session and today it is time for another one.  Why? Because we both need it.

I am going to take it one step further.  Dragon gave me a pass for cussing since our last session.  He gave me a firm lecture and let the issue drop.  I haven't been able to let it go.  It is time to confess.  The thought makes my stomach twist.  The confusing part is that it makes my panties damp too.

Dragon needs to know that the guilt didn't go away.  He needs to know that I have been lying by omission.  Not telling him when I slip.

Wednesday, Dragon tied my hands to keep them out of the way and hold me in position.  Mind blown.  No dodging swats.  No rubbing or grabbing at the paddle.  I wonder if that is going to be the new normal.  We shall see.

Dragon may take care of the confession with just the regular maintenance.  One purpose of the spanking is to get rid of the guilt left over from the week.  He may decide to make it a full punishment because I lied to him. I guess I'll find out soon.

He likes to make sure I am hydrated before a spanking. Dragon wants my skin to stay healthy.  Faster healing and a lower chance of leather butt.  Two bottles of water and a Gatorade before he gets home from work.  He makes sure I am good and hydrated.  Now I know what all this loss of privacy is about.  No hiding from Dragon.  Not anymore.

Time to get ready.  He will be home from work soon.

An Electrifying New Toy

Yes, we are now the proud owners of a Violet Wand.  It can go from a mild tingle to a sharp sting.  So far our collection of electrodes is limited.  We have the three that came with the kit and the mylar flogger.  We will expand that collection one piece at a time.

I am working hard on submitting to him.  Tearing down the last barriers between us.  Slow but steady.  One little inch at a time.  No matter how embarrassing a command may be or how uncomfortable it is, he wants my immediate submission.  He wants obedience even when it is hard.

I understand why.  It is for our benefit. Ours.  Not just mine.  He needs to know that I will obey in play so that he knows I'll obey when it is important.  I'll admit that it is easier that way.  To already be in the habit of obeying doesn't make it automatic but it does mean that I'm more likely to do what he wants.

Dragon is home from work.  Time to give him attention instead of the kindle.

It is good to be home

Finally!

I know I was slow to share but Dragon had the day off.  For two nights, I have slept in his arms.  We are both sleeping better now.

Soon after I walked in the door he introduced me to the new toys he has collected.  The cupping set is strange but it does feel good.  Just different from anything else I have ever experienced.  The adjustable nipple clamps look intimidating but they aren't bad at all.

He saved the best for last.  The anal hook.  It looks like a large fishing hook with a ball on the end. I was worried but it actually feels good.  It didn't hurt going in at all.  With a little pressure, I couldn't dismiss it at all.  Dragon wants to use it with bondage.

We now have a variety of rope.  Jute, hemp, cotton, silk and polyester.  He used the jute yesterday.  It felt great.  I think I am hooked.

Our morning routine is back in place.  Breakfast, spanking and prayers.  In that order.

It feels good to be home.

Heading Home!!!

I can't wait.  There are just a few more things to  load in the car and we will be ready.  It is just a 12 hour drive but I am going to stop by and visit family today and make the rest of the trip tomorrow.  I'll beat him home Tuesday and we can spend his off day together.

He has prompted that I'll get a spanking no matter how tired we are.  Just a few swats until we can really play.

I am so excited.  When I left home the first week in May I had tears in my eyes.  Now all I feel is excitement.  I am so ready for this.

Communication in TTWD

WOW!

When we are far apart we talk.  A LOT!

I finally understand why Dragon is so careful with punishment.  My history of abuse.  He says that I have known abuse most of my life and he doesn't want to cross that line.

When a punishment is about to happen he watches my body language and facial expressions. He listens. If anything seems off, he takes it as a withdrawal of consent.  He knows that if he pushes to hard I'll withdraw from everything.  Backing off is his way of keeping me safe. Protecting my mind from harm that happened long ago.

Now we have a plan.

When I am faced with a punishment and absolutely panic he will give me some space.  No, I can't leave the garage.  I sit there and think. It gives me a chance to remember why we do what we do. That Dragon has never hurt me and never will.

When he comes back a decision must be made. If I am willing to accept the spanking, I am to strip and wait for his instructions. If I just can't do it, he will give an alternate punishment. I'm not off the hook.  An essay, lines, extra chores,  icy hot. Something.

No more just dropping the issue.

And...

Dragon says that I am ready to be pushed harder.  No won't work.  Red will only delay or modify the punishment.  I should probably be worried but I'm not.  I'm happy that DD is back.  I'm happy that I have my Dragon back.

I sure do need a spanking.

The Violet Wand

Dragon has been shopping.

He is looking at violet wands and I am getting even more nervous.  I have seen them used. Even got to test one out at a party.

The first electrified zap of the wand was mild. Unfortunately a sadist had control of the intensity. It didn't take long for him to take it from just a mild tingle to owch!

This can get interesting.  Bondage, blindfold and ear plugs.  Add in a little shocking sensation.

Doesn't that sound like the old Dragon?  I think so.

It makes me want to sing!

I want to celebrate!  I'm thinking a scene with Dragon when I get home. We really need to find a party or a dungeon.  I really miss public play. An audience changes the energy. Intensifies everything!  In a new group, our first few scenes won't get a lot of attention but after a few people see us interact the people just keep coming.

Submitting

Talk is easy.  We have talked about what we want. The direction we want to go in and areas that I really want to push my limits.

In just a few days I will be heading home.  I am nervous.  How can I do this?

It has been nearly 4 years since I had a punishment spanking.  He was newly retired and we had just moved into our new house.  We were sleeping on camp beds and cooking in the camper.  Our refrigerator was a cooler lined with dry ice.

I remember how hard it was to put my hands on the seat of the motorcycle.  To stay still as he counted out 30 swats.  They came hard and fast. I remember struggling to stay in place. To stay quiet.

How can I do that again? I question it but I crave the release.  Other punishments are a deterrent for sure but they just don't have the same effect.  The guilt still sticks to my heart.

Privacy is another issue we discussed.  I am going to give up even more.  There was a time when I wouldn't undress in the room with him.  I wouldn't even change my blouse in front of him.  Over the years I have learned how to trust him.  I'm comfortable sitting beside him completely nude.  The last shred of my shyness around Dragon is going to be gone.  No more hiding my body from him.

That is scary!

Morning temperatures are coming back.  Dragon wants sex without a condom. Tracking my cycle with multiple methods is absolutely essential to preventing pregnancy and I really don't want another baby.  Since morning oral temperatures aren't accurate, not enough moisture in my mouth, that leaves two options.  Vaginal or rectal. We shall see which he chooses.  Yes, even that will be a challenge for me. Touching me in a different way for a purpose. (Shivers) When he is home, he will also do the cervical check later in the day. He says that he gets most of the benefit so he should get some of the responsibility too.

Things Dragon has learned since we began our journey:
1. My bottom won't break when you smack it with a paddle
2. A bruise bottom is a good thing
3. A little bit of embarrassment won't do permanent damage.
4. If I have agreed to do something in negotiations then back out, that is a discipline issue.  Dishonesty is not allowed.
5. A fear reaction isn't the time to back off.  It is a time for reassurance, patience and a little push.

He had told me these things.  Not in a list but in conversation and negotiation. 4 and 5 are new.

I didn't write a all the new things we discuss. The new routines and rituals put into place. Some of them will stick. Some of them won't.  They are all designed to bring us closer together. To build trust and knock down the few remaining barriers we have.

A lot of thought went into the things we talked about.  Wants, needs, submission, control.

It will pay off.  I can do this. Baby steps.

Japanese Rope Bondage

Shibari You Can Use Japanese Rope Bondage and Erotic Macrame
By Lee Harrington
Photography by Rigger Jay

Most of my how to bondage books are useless.  They show beautiful ties with useless photos and very few instructions.  This book is different.

The first chapter talk about safety and rope choices.  Then each chapter after the talks about one tie. The instructions are easy to follow and the photos are going clear. Showing exactly what the text describes.

I already know all of the ties but a review was helpful.  Overall. I love the book.

I don't usually top but this book has me looking for volunteers.