For many reasons, Dragon is very careful with DD. He usually asks if I need a punishment. The answer should be yes every time but I am not that strong.
I have a shameful secret. I am afraid of punishment. Not the healthy kind of dread. Oh no. I am talking about the all consuming terror that overcomes the trust I have for my Dragon. I flinch when someone cusses within my hearing. I turn into a shaking, weeping mess if I hear a voice raised in anger.
Do you see why Dragon calls me his China doll? His delicate rose?
I can be strong when needed but this pushes my panic button.
Sometimes, if I know a punishment is coming, I can get my head right. I need a quiet place so that I can hear that voice of reason. It has been a while since I have had a conversation with that very quiet side of my head. Terror likes to scream and drown out that shy whisper of reason.
4 times this year, Dragon said a punishment was coming. 4 times fear has stopped him cold. Pushing when I am that panicked would be a disaster.
It is time for me to hear the whisper. I am listening.
It is to late for a punishment. That has to happen fast. However, the timing for a tune up is perfect.
I am going to hand him the paddle. When he asks for a number. I am going to give him something reasonable. 3 or 4 is ridiculous. 30 will get the job done right. With that number, Dragon will know that I am ready.
Why TTWD? Yes, it is hard but it is also healing. I learn trust and surrender. I learn that I can submit to him without losing myself. I learn that I don't have to be afraid of him. Not ever.
These are lessons I have to learn over and over again. I envy those who find spanking, sex and kink easy. For me it is hard. Sometimes I can't even undress with him in the room.
When it is good, it gets there because I have pushed myself. It is because I sat still long enough to hear the whisper of reason.
I am listening. Can you tell?
How far will it go this time? Only time will tell.
Ps. At my best, I am scening with Dragon at a party. I feel that secure with Dragon, my body and my environment. DD and D/s are hard for me but the rewards of self-confidence and self-esteem are worth it. The deep connection I have with my Dragon is even better.