For many reasons, Dragon is very careful with DD. He usually asks if I need a punishment. The answer should be yes every time but I am not that strong.
I have a shameful secret. I am afraid of punishment. Not the healthy kind of dread. Oh no. I am talking about the all consuming terror that overcomes the trust I have for my Dragon. I flinch when someone cusses within my hearing. I turn into a shaking, weeping mess if I hear a voice raised in anger.
Do you see why Dragon calls me his China doll? His delicate rose?
I can be strong when needed but this pushes my panic button.
Sometimes, if I know a punishment is coming, I can get my head right. I need a quiet place so that I can hear that voice of reason. It has been a while since I have had a conversation with that very quiet side of my head. Terror likes to scream and drown out that shy whisper of reason.
4 times this year, Dragon said a punishment was coming. 4 times fear has stopped him cold. Pushing when I am that panicked would be a disaster.
It is time for me to hear the whisper. I am listening.
It is to late for a punishment. That has to happen fast. However, the timing for a tune up is perfect.
I am going to hand him the paddle. When he asks for a number. I am going to give him something reasonable. 3 or 4 is ridiculous. 30 will get the job done right. With that number, Dragon will know that I am ready.
Why TTWD? Yes, it is hard but it is also healing. I learn trust and surrender. I learn that I can submit to him without losing myself. I learn that I don't have to be afraid of him. Not ever.
These are lessons I have to learn over and over again. I envy those who find spanking, sex and kink easy. For me it is hard. Sometimes I can't even undress with him in the room.
When it is good, it gets there because I have pushed myself. It is because I sat still long enough to hear the whisper of reason.
I am listening. Can you tell?
How far will it go this time? Only time will tell.
Ps. At my best, I am scening with Dragon at a party. I feel that secure with Dragon, my body and my environment. DD and D/s are hard for me but the rewards of self-confidence and self-esteem are worth it. The deep connection I have with my Dragon is even better.
Let us know how far it goes this time. And he must be pleased that you do things for him because you have pushed yourself.
ReplyDeleteFD
He is more patient than I deserve. He treats me like a fragile flower. When I am able to fully submit to him, the look on his face is priceless. Not many people know I am damaged goods. They think I am standoffish and rude. He is the only one who has ever tried to get past my defenses.
DeleteMy Dragon is late getting home. Our oldest daughter needed some help. Hopefully tomorrow will be pretty and we can get some time together.
My dearest Rose...you are not damaged goods! You have been hurt so badly that your body memory is to protect yourself. Sending lots of prayers and healing energy for you my friend.
ReplyDeleteHugs and Blessings...
Cat
After 20+ years, the scars are still there. I still wear baggy clothes to hide my curves and long sleeves to hide bruises that are not there. Half a lifetime of habits are hard to break. Maybe one day I won't feel the need to protect myself.
DeleteThank you. I keep trying. It is like a roller coaster. Up and down. Round and round.