18 years

Wow!  It is here again!  Our anniversary   The one where we eloped to the court house!  We have been together for 19 years and married for 18 of those wonderful years!  Love my man just a little!

Dragon had to work late again.  Supper is a simple meal I can prepare and leave on the table.  I really don't like cooking.  Ick.  I ate a little and sat on the porch to enjoy an icy cold beverage.  Alcoholic just in case you don't read southern.  It is what we would have done if he was home.

It is a chilly, wet day.  I know my Dragon is miserable.  I am miserable without him.  Tomorrow will be a better day.  We will just have to celebrate a day late.  I am sure we can both find something to occupy our time.  WEG

Great news

I know I know.

2 posts back to back but I have GREAT NEWS!

We have had an offer on our house up north!


Pray Pray Pray it is an offer we can afford to accept.  I would love to start shopping for our forever house!

Early Warning System

We have been working on balance.  Dragon mentioned that privacy is a factor.  With the move this summer, I am not surprised.  But there is more to it than that.  I’ll do something in public this displeases him and he forgets about it when we have privacy.  So we have worked out an early warning system. 

Remember the stop light safe words?

Red  All STOP

Yellow  I don’t like how that feels.  Ick.

Green  Like that!  Keep going!

The early warning system is similar but for Dragon instead of me. 

That’s 1 – Are you sure you want to keep doing that?  You are getting close to breaking a rule.

That’s 2 – You broke a rule.  Let’s talk about it when we get home. 

That’s 3 – We WILL take care of this when we get home and you won’t like it. 

They can come in any order at any time.  He can call 3 without calling 1 or 2.  It is a way to let me know in public that I have done something he doesn't like.  He can let me know that we will talk about it latter or that I have an appointment with the paddle.  I like that.  Not sure how it is going to work out.  We will have to give it a little time and see. 

He wants to bring back maintenance too.  I’m not so sure about that one.  We stopped because I couldn’t handle it.  Knowing that I was going to be spanked at a specific time for a week’s worth of misdemeanors was too much.  Spanking wasn’t fun anymore.  Kinky play wasn’t fun.  I couldn’t do it.  He stayed more consistent with DD but it was doing more harm than good. 

This time it is his idea.  He wants to do it.  I’ll give it a try.  The safe words are there for a reason.  I can always call red.  

Balance

How do you find that balance between submission, mercy and punishment.

Most important I think is my own submission.  I do little things to show him how much I love him but then I let some things slide.  An example is making the bed.  I hate making the bed every morning and think that it is ok to let it slide just one day.  One day turns into two and then into three.  Dragon didn't say anything but I know he noticed.

Why didn't he call me on it?  I think he wants my submission to come from the heart and fear.  If he punished me every time I deserved it, I would live in fear.  Neither one of us want that.  A marriage based on fear is one doomed to fail.  I know I couldn't live that way.

Another way I frequently fail is whining my way out of a punishment.  I know I have broken a rule.  I know what is coming but when he calls me on bad behavior I can't seem to stop it.  I am very good at making excuses for bad behavior.  Finding just the right excuse to put a seed of doubt in his mind.

Where is that balance?  Punished enough to hold me accountable but I am still submitting willingly?  Yes,  I I I I....  Selfish.

I know I am not perfect.  I earn at least 2 punishments a week just from language.  I asked him to make a goal of one punishment a month.  I need to know what to expect.  We need to find that balance between his needs and mine.  Between submission and obedience.

Comfort

There is comfort to be found in routine.  This morning I got up with the alarm.  Almost on autopilot I moved.  First, gathering the ingredients for Dragon's breakfast, then standing by the stove to prepare his meal.  Every move my hands made, were in a set pattern.  Not a ritual set by Dragon.  Only my own submission.

Submitting to him.  That is what brings me comfort.  Taking care of his most basic needs.  He needs my company in the mornings before he leaves for work.  He needs a hot meal to sustain him.    He needs to know I care enough to care for him.

I fix his lunch.  The simple meal packed into a small ice chest.  It is something small.  It only takes me a few minutes to pack.  How can something so small mean so much?  I make his lunch while he eats his breakfast.  During the day, it gives him nourishment but it is also a little part of me.  In a way it is a symbol of my submission and love.

Even when he is away from me, he can feel my presence and my love.  When he was military I didn't fix his lunch.  He always had a kitchen to use and a place to keep a small bag of groceries.  Now it is different.  Things have changed and so have I.

I like this new way of doing things.  I like taking care of my Dragon.

The wedding is tonight.  Dragon woke me this morning with the paddle.  Just a small reminder that I need to be on my best behavior.  The rental care has been picked up.  The directions printed out and the gps plugged into the rental car.  All I need to do is dress.    I can do this.  Breath.

Monster In Law

I survived the day with my in laws with only one melt down.  The melt down happened before we ever left the house!  I am so proud of myself.  I didn't even earn a punishment!

 She behaved and so did I.  I think our last visit ended with both of us getting spanked.  I am not absolutely sure she gets spanked but I am pretty sure she does.

It is time to de stress a little.  I have a wedding dress to make tomorrow.

language barrier

Have you ever noticed how funny language can be?  A common phone greeting in Japanese is a naughty word in German.  Oops.  The differences jump out at me in blog land.

Fag.  In the US?  An ugly word for a homosexual.  In the UK?  I think it is a cigarette?  Maybe?
Jumper.  In the UK it is a sweater I think.  NOT in the US

I was very short on sleep.  Traveling internationally with 3 small children, I was walking around the air port in a daze.  A desperate looking lady ran up to me and asked, "where is the loo?"  My mind just could not grasp what she was asking?  It is funny looking back on it but I was absolutely puzzled by her request.  We were both speaking English but apparently not the same language.

Sorry my English friends.  I don't speak the queens english.  Far from it.

That is one of the things that bugs me about the 50 shades books.  The language.  If she is going to write a book based in the US, get it right!  Side light?  OK.  I know I am picking on one word.  But I had to laugh at it.  Side light?  What the heck is that?  LOL.  How about calling it what it is?  A Lamp?

Even here in the US we have a language barrier from one region to another.  The way we speak and the way we write is so different.  If you have a Jersey accent, I am NOT going to understand a word you say.  Nope.  And if you are from the mid west and say A?  I am probably going to say B.

In the same house there are differences.  When a wife says, "do what you want."  That isn't her giving permission or letting you have your way.  Oh no.  It is a DARE.  When my husband says, "are you sure you want to go there?"  He isn't asking a question.  He is issuing a warning.  "Hey, you really don't want to do that.  That will get your bottom spanked and fast."

It has been a long Monday and it is time for me to get back to work.  I had to take a time out and laugh a little.  Yes, laugh.  At all the language missteps I have made.  I need to get a wiggle on.

Chat latter blog land!

clean house

That was a rule for the new house.  It shamed me that he needed to make it a rule but depression made it hard move.  Things got away from me and chaos invaded.  It is going better here.  I think because I am happy.  We are living in a state we want to live in, closer to family and the landscape is not desolate and empty.   The grass isn't very green but there are trees everywhere and not a tumble weed in sight!  No juniper or sage brush.  What a relief!

The house isn't perfect.  Not by a long shot but it is better.  The floors are swept and vacuumed every day.  The sink stays empty and the refrigerator is clean.  No more out of control, unintentional science projects in there!

School work is even going better with the kids.  This is the first year I have them all on a computer based program.  I love it.  No text books to keep up with, no teacher keys to hide and they love the games.  The math is harder than what I had them in but they are all keeping up and staying on track.  That is a huge relief for me.  Now I don't have to worry about what will happen if I have to put them in public school.  I know they will do fine.  They will do better than fine.

Great news!  I found my corsets yesterday!  Yippee!  I have started the process of training back into them.  I started with an hour yesterday.  I put my oldest corset on but didn't pull the laces up any.  Today I will lace it snug and try for two hours.  My ribs need to settle back into place before I can really lace it down the way I like it.  That will take months to do.  Oh well.  I'll get there.  It takes time.

Time to get busy.  The house needs to be cleaned.... again and school work needs to get done.  I don't want Dragon to come home to a dirty house.  My bottom would pay the price.  Yikes!

Where were you?

Where were you when the world stopped turning?

I was in Germany.  Dragon had just returned from a deployment.  We were in the "getting to know each other" stage.  I had my routine, he had his.  We were trying to find a way to make it work.  We were both busy September 11.  He was hanging wall paper and I was working in the yard.  

He called me to come inside.  My mom was on the phone.  "Turn your TV on now.  Something terrible has happened."

Mom, can't you just tell me?

NO, I can't.  You have to see this to believe it.  Go turn your TV on.  I'll talk to you latter.


So I go and do it.  The only English speaking channels we had were the military network channels.  The first tower was burning.  I watched as the second plane struck.  I watched as the world learned that this was not an accident.  I saw my world change in a moment.

I knew this stranger that looked like my husband would be leaving very soon.  Possibly the very next day.  It didn't matter that he had just gotten back.  We were at war.  He was home just long enough to help with the birth of our son.  Then he was off again.  And so our life post 9-11 began.

Put yourself in our shoes for a few minutes.  The disaster was bad enough for a civilian.  Take a minute and imagine the impact that day had on military families.  On fire fighters and EMTs.  Put yourself in our shoes and you will understand why I get so upset when someone tries to use this tragedy to make a political statement.

Just don't do it.  DON'T ever do it.  Save all your political crap for another day.  Today is not the day.

Ps.  a FB friend learned that lesson the hard way today.  oops.  lost my temper just a wee bit.

Grounded

but not in a bad way.

Yesterday I worked on a new herb garden.  Digging in the soil and planting my favorites!

Here is me!  Allergic to almost everything.  My time spent playing in the dirt made me sick for the entire day.  Asthma, runny nose, itchy eyes.  So yes.  I am grounded.  No playing in the dirt.  No pruning or pulling weeds.  And to keep temptation away from my fingers, I am to stay inside ALL DAY.

I still don't feel good.  After an asthma attack that bad, it takes me a few days to recover.  I really don't think staying inside will be that much of a hardship.

I also know what will happen to my backside if Dragon comes home to beautiful flower beds or fresh cut grass.  He means it this time.  Even waved the paddle at me when he was telling me what he expected.

He knows me.  What can I say?

Out in the Garage

Do you know what Dragon keeps in the Garage?

 I do.

The paddles.

He called me out there to help him put some boxes of packing paper in the attic.  They are big and bulky but very light.  I had worked hard Saturday cleaning up and getting all the empties broken down and the paper packed up nice and snug.  I had the empty boxes sorted by size and type ready to go up there and he got them all out of my way.

That was a LOT of packing paper.  But I would rather store it than have to buy more when we get ready to move.  Hopefully the next move is into the forever house.

After all the boxes were moved and Dragon pushed the ladder back into the ceiling, he told me to close the garage doors.

Ut oh

I hadn't recovered from all the stress over going to that 9-11 service.  No, we ended up not going but I was wound so tight that it just didn't go away.  Dragon knows just what to do.

He place my hands in the seat of a chair, lifted my dress and pulled my panties down.  He paddled my backside.  Not very hard but just enough to let me know that he knew I was having a hard time.

Love my man.  He knows just what I need.

We ended the day in each others arms.

Perfect!    

9-11

I know the day is not here yet.  However, today is a day of worship.  Today in churches around the world heads will be bowed in prayer for those who lost everything that day.  Military men and women will be honored as well as firefighters and law enforcement officers of all kinds.

Take a moment our of the day to remember those still fighting the war on terrorism.  Because they do what they do, the rest of us are not afraid!  We can go shopping, send our kids to school and walk into a government building and know all is safe.  We still have our freedom.

The USA is a country others come to, to find safety and security.  It is a country where dreams become reality.  We are strong.

Me?  Not so much.  When those towers fell I was sad for those who died and heart broken for the rescuers.  But I knew something else too.  After the second tower fell I knew that my family would be called upon to do our duty.  My husband would leave to fight a war in another country.  I would be his cheerleader and comfort those left behind.

9-11 was so much more to me than just a single day.  It was years of uncertainty and heart ache.  It was saying good bye to my husband over and over again.  It was the knowledge that the threat isn't gone.  Our government works every day to sniff out new threats and stop new attacks before they happen.  We are safe because many people just like my own husband are out there working to keep us safe.  We were a part of that.

I thought i could do it now that we aren't military anymore.  I thought I could walk into a church on 911 and remember those who gave everything.  But I can't.  Not yet.  I think it is still too fresh.  We are too newly out of that life.  We were all falling apart at the thought of facing yet another ceremony to remember.  I know the other firefighters won't understand our absence but that is ok.  The decision to stay home took a weight off of my family.  Every one of us relaxed.

It was the right thing to do.

What do I ask of you?

 NEVER FORGET!  If we forget, it happens again

DON'T BE AFRAID!  If you are afraid, they won and I won't let that happen!

LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST!

and last but not least?  PRAY!

Finding Joy

I have written enough about the frustrations of PTSD and transitioning to civilian life.  There is joy in my life too.  Every day I find some small God has blessed us.  An example?  Dragon only had to work 12 hours.  He will be home for supper today.  Before he left for work this morning he told me how sexy it is that I make his breakfast wearing only his shirt and cut panties with a bow on them.

My children bring frustration to my life but they also bring joy every day.  Pooh has figured out why I have her take notes on the chapters she read and why I have her work the example math problems in her book.  To LEARN!  My son is taking tests and using text books two years sooner than I had the girls on it.  He is doing great.  I am so proud of him.  My 13 yo has taken right to her 8th grade work.  She loves science as much as I do.  My oldest has finally decided she wants to graduate high school.  At 19, I have to say, better late than never.  Seeing her become the young lady I always knew she could be is a joy in my life that i can not compare to anything else.

Our first day in the new house Dragon bought me a cactus.  After a week it out grew the pot it came in.  When he bought me a new pot for it, he also brought home 2 more!  I love watching them grow.  With a little TLC I can make a cactus grow beyond what the horticulturalist says they can.  I love watching them get new leaves and spines.  I watch the new growth every day and smile my secret smile.

See what I mean?  Little things that make me happy.

I wrote about losing my my kitty while we were still house hunting.  She was never healthy.  After a month in the new house guess what shows up on our door step?  A stay tom.  He is so sweet.  I bet some animal hater threw him out a car window and he ended up on our door step.  He is very thin but we are working on that.  He is a loving little thing.  I would guess just a year old.

Another thing that brings joy to my life is the porch.  I have our camp chairs arranged in a circle.  It is the perfect size.  After supper, when Dragon gets home in time to eat with us, we sit out there and watch the sun go down.  Just the two of us.  The kids clean the kitchen and vacuum under the dining room table.

The big things  still worry me but there is joy in my life.  Every where I look.

Dragon's Arms

I thought missing him would be something of the past.  I thought civilian life would mean no more deployments and I would never ache to feel his arms around me again.  He isn't gone overnight but he works some long hours.  15 hours today and that doesn't even count his commute time.  I miss sitting down and eating supper as a family.  I miss sitting on the bar stool while he cooks.  I miss him scolding me because I didn't get my task done for the day.

Now he just isn't here.  When he gets home he wants a shower and bed.  Sometimes he wants the plate I saved for him.  Most of the time he is too tired to eat.  He is loosing wight so fast.  A belt he has had for years is suddenly too big.  He hasn't been home during the day for me to put another hole in it.

I am grateful for a job.  I am grateful that I can still stay home with the kids.  I am grateful for so many things.  I don't mean to whine and you see I am NOT whining to Dragon.

I just miss him so much.  

Things will get better when I get out and start making friends.  Maybe.  That is the hard part for me.  Meeting people.  Yikes!  One day at a time.  One hour, one minute, one second.

 I did 20 years as a military wife.  I can do this civilian thing.  No problem!

The Letter of the Law

Ok Ok  I have followed letter of the law.  There are things Dragon wants done every day and I get it done.  Bed made, house company ready, sink empty and bathroom cleaned.  I am not to do all of this myself but I am to make sure it gets done.

Yes, I have followed the letter of the law but not the spirit of the law.  Not his intent.  I run around the house in my PJs most of the day.  Our morning are taken up with school work.  This is my excuse for dishes in the sink and leaving the laundry unfolded all day. What about the bed?  It stays unmade until he pulls the truck into our drive way.

I admit it.  I am a lazy brat.  The weight of depression is still there.  I have not adjusted to our new life outside of the military yet.  He works longer hours now than he ever worked active duty!  I miss him.  Now he comes home tired and frustrated.

I am doing better than I was.  Now I am going to do one better.  When I get up to fix his breakfast at 5:30, I will be dressed to shoes for the day.  The bed will be made and I won't shut myself away in there for the day.  One thirty minute name as required by Dragon and that is it.

I can do this.