Friday, April 8, 2011

?? read his mind ?? I wish

(update on tuff luv)
I think the high stress level in my house has contributed to writers block. My sweet daughter is working hard to get her life back on track. I think the deputy warned that awful man to stay away. He used to walk by the house 10 times a day or more. I haven’t seen him all week. Good thing. Her cell phone now lives in my pocket and the internet has a pass word that she does not have.

The results? She is staying out of her room. Her chores are getting done. Attitude has improved drastically and she is playing the music she loves again. Earlier in the week she had a job interview that sounded very promising to me. I am keeping my fingers crossed on this one.

I had put her prom dress away in the boxes that I store customer information and left over fabric. When I am upset, I make mistakes. The silk is too expensive to ruin with a bad temper. And I didn’t want to put the time and effort into it, if she wasn’t going to put an effort into becoming my sweet child again. Since she is working harder than I have ever seen her work, I am going to take out the box today and work. My goal is to get the busk into the waist cincher today. If all goes well, it shouldn’t take long. (I hope.)

Now for my question of the day…..

What goes on in the mind of a man. (I have given up on figuring out teenage girls) From the moment I step over the line, his decision to punish, doing the deed and after it is over. I am married to a man who hides behind a strong exterior. I can see emotion in his face some times. Like that little half grin he gets when my toes go over the line. The tightening of his lips after the warning and I continue on my doomed path. His grim expression as he picks up the paddle and the kiss on the forehead when he finally leaves me along for a few minuets.

I wrote a whole blog on the surprising strength of my own emotions. Anger, acceptance, guilt. The need to be left alone for a little while after and the tears that came latter. Is that too much to ask? It must be. I have asked but he gets evasive. After nearly 19 years in his career field he is very good at evading questions he does not want to answer.

He did tell me why he lets my panties stay in place. They offer very little protection to me. The sit spot is left bare (his favorite place to swat during a punishment) He can easily move them aside to check redness or pull then down if he decides to. His words. “it is my decision, not yours” Yep. He is right about that. Whether pants are dropped or removed. When panties stay in place. The position he chooses to use. Which implement he uses. I have heard of others having a “ritual” or a routine for this kind of thing. Nope, not us. He is constantly refining his technique.

So far I haven’t cried during a session of any type. Stress relief, punishment or play. He says I will cry when he is ready for me too, not before. I guess he knows which buttons to push and he will push them when he gets good and ready. I am already having a hard time dealing with the emotions this life style has brought to the surface. I am terrified of what the tears will bring. Physical pain wont do it or hasn’t so far.

Time to get busy or this dress won’t be done in time for prom. She is going without a date and we still need to go shoe shopping. Lots to do. I think I’ll ask for a good stress relief tonight. After my week how bad will it have to be before I am able to let go??? EEEKKKK. (tears???)


  1. I'm so please to hear it's better with your daughter. I sent you an email.

    I had a period where Dutch was spanking me but nothing was releasing. I think I needed to talk it through first and hit the emotions that way and then it came out in floods. Sometimes a spanking just shocks you into paying attention but you need the emotional hit to get the real feelings out. No amount of spanking will do it when you are in that frame of mind. That I learned.


  2. Cedeno, Thank you. I’m not sure what will help right now and what won’t. I am playing this by ear. That is all I can do. When I got into an abusive relationship, I didn’t have anyone. I was on my own. I got out but it was hard.

    I forgot to mention something. My daughter lost interest in her music over the last 6 months. Her play time dropped off a little at a time. Now she is playing again and takes joy in her music. She almost lost her joy. I am very happy that she found it again. She still has some drastic mood swings but has more upswings than down.

  3. I am so happy that you daughter is finding her joy again and has she finds her joy peace is being restored to your home. I will keep praying.


  4. Annie
    Peace left this house when trust did but it is getting better. Nothing new has been revealed in several days. She is learning that broken trust has a huge price tag and that it is easier to keep trust than to earn it back again. Thank you for the prayers. Please continue to pray.