The Attraction of Rope

What keeps me coming back for more bondage? I think it is time to share a little bit of it on my little blog.

Sorry.  No photos.  My hands are all tied up and my Dragon just a little busy.

For rope play, first you have to absolutely trust the person who has the rope. There is nothing worse in this life than realising you are completely helpless and trusted the wrong person.  If you don't have that trust, you can't fully experience the pleasure of the ropes.  Waiting for him to cross a hard limit.

Rope is all about feeling.  Feeling the rope against bare skin.  The tightness and texture.  It is emotional.  Helpless.  Powerful.  Humiliating.  Restricting.  Freedom!  Security. Safety.  Risk taking.

Do you see a little conflict there?

You have to be safe.  Rope can do permanent, lasting damage.  Don't just get rope and go at it. Find someone with real knowledge and learn how to play safe.

All tied up, I don't have to be in control.  I don't have to think about anything other than the rope and what I am feeling. Love it.

Everything comes back to rope.  This is where our kinky adventures began.

All Tied Up

Bondage is the next best thing to impact play and last night, I got all tied up!  Fun night.  Jute rope has an interesting feel.  It took minutes for me to drop off into the edge of sub space.  Love that feeling.

It is called rope night.  Supposedly to learn but I really think it is just a chance for the tops to find a willing bottom.  Fun stuff.

Back in the real world I made a decision. Instead of being overwhelmed by the piles of laundry that need to be washed and folded I am going to be thankful.  We have clothes to wear, a washer to get them clean and a place to put our nice clean clothes away.

Life is good.  Bondage, spanking and clean clothes.  :-)

Answers

From Facebook?

Yep

I saw a suggested link that mentioned language issues.  Aphasia.  Now it has a name. One of those scary thing that doctors have blown off. At times, I can't understand spoke language.  The article was about migraine headaches.

Then I took a trip over to Web md.

• Severe, throbbing pain, often on one side of your head
• A pins-and-needles feeling, often moving from your hand up your arm
• Numbness on one side of your body, which can include your arm, leg, and/or one side of your face
• Weakness or paralysis on one side of your body
• Loss of balance and coordination
• Visual aura, such as seeing zigzag lines, double vision, or blind spots
• Language difficulties, such as mixing words or trouble remembering a word
• Slurred speech
• Dizziness or vertigo
• Nausea and vomiting
• Extreme sensitivity to light, sound, and smell
• Confusion
• Decreased consciousness or coma

Wow!  This describes everything!  Dragon says that it looks like I am having a stroke.  It is scary.  One side of my face droops, I can't understand language, getting lost on familiar streets, falling, dropping things.  The flashing lights, the way things look shiny. 

All of this goes right back to the migraines. 

An MD called them rebound headaches. Two neurologists called me a faker.  I was afraid.  Still am even though I know it gets better. Dropping a jug of cranberry juice at the grocery store makes a huge mess. Admitting that I can't understand what someone is saying is embarrassing but they get frustrated when I keep saying "what?"  

I'm not a whiner or a squeaky wheel.  When I am told that I am a faker, I assume that no one will believe me. 

I am going to make a list and keep a headache journal. When I have everything together I am going to ask!  "Could all of this be linked to my migraines?" and ""What can be done about it?"

I never would have linked all of those things together.  Just wow.  Facebook?  Yep.  

This is a strange world we live in. 

A Gentle Reminder

Dragon doesn't stay triggered all the time.  Most of the time he is his usual, happy self.  Sunday he showed me that the rules didn't go out the window.

 I don't remember where we were going but something was forgotten in the house.  No idea what.  We were running very late.  I ran back in the house, grabbed the forgotten item and hopped back in the car.

And we were off....

For the second time...

And I forgot my seatbelt.

Oops.  That is one of Dragon's pet peeves.  Seatbelts will be worn.  No excuses. No exceptions.

Instead of a trip to the garage, I got a gentle warning.  He will give me a few before he decides to take care of the seat of the problem. If I keep forgetting my seatbelt, he won't hesitate and it won't be fun.

Yep.  Dragon is still my Dragon.  That didn't change.  The only difference is that I told you how bad the ptsd gets at times.

Ps.  If. IF we can get the ada letter withdrawn he should be promoted to a full time position in a few months.  Cross your fingers.  JOB security...  imagine that?  AND  40 hour work weeks.

Yes please.

Living With PTSD

Things have leveled out again but living with PTSD is a little like this.

It is a wild ride.  Emotions are turned all the way on or completely off. Anger, fear, happiness.  All of it.

The wild ride continues....

This is what we deal with every day.  Yes, we are still a DD couple and kinky.  We love to play and explore the more serious side.  The structure actually helps.

One day at a time.

crisis

Pray for my Dragon please.  Things are headed right back to November.  I kept him on the phone. We have a plan of action.   Bluetooth is a wonderful invention. I keep him focused on the job.

Putting the Peices Together

PTSD is a puzzle.  Every year Dragon adds a little to the story.  He will put another piece in the puzzle.  This year he told me a story about the Christmas tree.  Seeing that small, lonely tree with no presents under it, decorated with odds and ends.  It is a trigger.  The huge, giant tree in the middle of the living room floor is a PTSD trigger.  Even though our tree is not small and is decorated with our memories, it is still a trigger.  Christmas songs, tinsel, jingle bells.  Even the words "Merry Christmas"  After all these years, he figured that one out. 

This week I figured out another one.  Dragon made an agreement with a supervisor to get a regular day off every week.  It worked great.  He came up with the idea and put it into motion.  A new supervisor walked in the door and said it doesn't matter.  That agreement is out the window.  For months Dragon has had to fight for days off.  He has been getting more migraines than ever and not getting any sleep.  The panic attacks, flash backs and mood swings are almost constant.  Every week he looks at the schedule and sees that he doesn't have a day off and it gets even worse.  Back in November I thought he was going to need to be admitted.  It was just that bad. 

He was working 70-80 hours a week with no end in sight and fighting for every off day.  If he dared to call in he was written up.  The stress was getting to all of us.  He started seeing a doctor to try to reign it in.  Just the day off for the two hour round trip helped more than the doctor did.  It has been a mess.

Yesterday, I placed another piece in the puzzle.  It fell right into place.

In Afghanistan he worked 24/7 for 7 months strait.  There were no days off.  There was no day pass or R&R.  Just constant work.  Day in and day out.  When he sees that schedule with no off days, it puts him right back on the battle field.  He hears the bombs.  He smells the burned skin.  He hears the screams.  He sees the blood on his hands. 



All day

All night

Without end

Until he gets a day off.  Then the nightmare ends and he can breath. 

He has to see that day printed in black and white on a schedule tacked to the bulletin board.  He needs it just like he needs food, shelter, love and purpose in life.  It is the security that he needs.  The knowledge that he isn't back on the battle field.  That he is home safe and will never have to return. 

One day at a time. 

Breath....

This too shall end.

One of the supervisors knows how bad his PTSD really is.  Another one now knows why he needs to see that day on the schedule. 

One foot in front of the other. 

Please pray for my Dragon.  PTSD doesn't ever go away.  He will never truly be healed.  There are just good days and really bad days.  Pray for him please.  I am his rock in a world of sand but even I am starting to feel a little shaky. 

Every day, on average 22 vets commit suicide.  That number is unacceptable.  I pray that my Dragon does not become a statistic. 

I am spoiled

Even in spandex workout pants, I like my panties.  I feel naked without them.  It is the real reason I hate swimsuits.  My backside feels bare. I can't even handle butt floss panties.  I rather floss my teeth when I brush them, not in the middle of Winco.

Yes.  I am spoiled rotten.

I am trying.  Just in my little room while I work out with Tony Horton on the flat screen.

I have a gym membership but I am to bashful. For now I am going to keep the bare bottom for the privacy of my own garage. I am freezing my buns off but in a few months it will be an oven.

Ps Dragon has been known to take my panties for punishment and just to see my red upper cheeks.

Keeping Busy

I worked more on my garage room today.  The workout equipment is all back in place and the mats are ready to go down.  We are going to take out a table that just collects junk and another one that I have a flat screen tv set up on.  I need more floor space.  The tv can mount on the wall and I have a higher shelf I can sit the DVD player.

Progress.  I am beating this depression little by little.

I may have earned a spanking today.  Dragon wants me to go to the gym today but I am already tired. I moved heavy equipment around outside.  The punching bag has a new home.  That thing isn't light.  I moved the bench into place and most of the weights. Everything has been repositioned. My shoulders ache and I am wheezing from all the dust.

But I still disobeyed.  I could have worked legs but I chose to whine.  Totally wimped out.  I got shy about my body.  Out of shape and plump.

We shall see.  Dragon may agree that I did enough or he may go all HOH on me.  I wasn't supposed to move the equipment on my own.  I wasn't supposed to do more than clear the middle of the floor.  AND I was supposed to go to the gym.  I never know what Dragon will do.

Honestly, he will probably give me a pass but then again.....  he has been kinda bossy here lately.  I said that I would confess.  That I would be more honest with Dragon. That is what I am going to do.  Even if it gets me spanked. The fact still remains.  I did too much.  The gym would be a bad idea.

Privacy With Teenagers

Getting a private moment for some impact play is difficult with teenagers in the house.  The sound of the paddle echoes in the house and they are old enough to figure out what is going on.  That is why the garage is so important.

I have a workout space sectioned off in the garage. A little temporary room I have managed to make private. My weight equipment is out there.  Mats protect feet from the cold concrete.  I have a space heater and an a.c..  The toy bag has a hook on the wall and a chair for spanking fun sits in the corner.

The problem is that none of the walls  are finished and the attic is completely open. When I look up I see rafters and the underside of the roof. My efforts to heat and cool my little room are pointless.  I is always cold in the winter and oven hot in the summer.  Nothing is there to keep the temperature regulated.

After a trip to the hardware store that is changing.  I am covering the walls and ceilings.  Nothing fancy.  We are calling the look industrial chick.  With just the ceiling and one wall covered we can already tell a huge difference.

The room is a disaster. All my equipment us pushed to the middle of the floor.  It is hard to move but progress is being made.

Happy dance.

We still have work to do but we had to try out the improvements.  I took off my shirt and Dragon gave me a good flogging.  Heaven!  The room was a little cool but not freezing cold.

Much improved!  I am going to get more work done out there today.  I can't get on the ladder but I can reach the lower half of the wall easy.

The automatic shower

I usually shower late Saturday night but I was tired.  That bed was calling my name.  I snuggled down and didn't even think about church.

Oops.

I ended up sharing an early morning shower with my Dragon.  He was almost done when I stepped under the water.  As soon as I had conditioner in my hair, he started scrubbing my back.  Slowly, he worked his way around my body top to bottom.

I felt loved, pampered, embarrassed, aroused, childish.  I wanted to push him away.  I wanted to pull him closer.  So many conflicting feelings. I didn't know what to do.  I submitted.  To everything.  To him because it is what he wanted and by the time he was done, I wanted more.

We are talking, renegotiating DD and BDSM.   Those kninky, fun things we do.  We have blurred the lines between DD and BDSM. That really helped him get going again. Realizing that those two aspects can be mixed and lines can be blurred.  Punishment doesn't have to be tears, fear and pain. It can be sexual torture, orgasm denial.  Kinky fun pushed just a little further than we normally go.

A ginger plug can be carved larger than usual.  Clamps just a little tighter and left on longer than I like. Kneeling, nudity, the cold garage, even role play.  Anything. Everything. TTWD is what we make it.

Our relationship doesn't have to look like anyone else's!  It can and should be unique to us.

One small step at a time.  I have submitted to almost every demand he has made for months.  It has been easy.  As he demands more, I hope I have the courage to keep submitting.

Off to a Great Start

The very first day of the new year, we slept in. Dragon was busy rocking my world with his magic hands.  Hands still busy, he looked up at me and smiled.

" We're getting back into it.  We're doing it the right way this time."

Yes we are my dearest Dragon.

DD is completely back and so is the fun.  I very rarely say no.  I don't feel the need to and safe words are rarely used.

Yesterday, we cleaned up the play space in the garage.  An old rug headed for the garbage, the floor was swept, mats washed and equipment wiped down.

After we were done we were both shivering but we both needed the spanking we had planned when we went out there to work.

Coat still on, jeans lowered just enough to expose the target.  The much needed spanking happened.  My backside still shows the evidence!   And to be honest, it wasn't that bad.  It was a bit chilly but I didn't freeze my toosh off. The paddle warmed things up nicely.  After I got past the initial ouch and started to submit it was actually kinda nice. Yes it hurt.  I have a multi colored backside to prove it! But the cold didn't matter as much as I thought it would.

We are both more willing to brave the cold for a punishment now and for a little fun too!  He wants a scene out there with me totally nude.  I have to admit that I want to do it!  

I asked Dragon if DD is back. He said  "ABSOLUTELY!  Watch your Ds and see what happens when you break a rule."  Yep.  Dragon is back and I am very happy to see it.  I just hope that my backside has a chance to heal before he decides to test my limits again.