Fear vs Terror

I understand now.

I got frustrated.  Sweaty from working outside, I wanted a shower.  There were no clean towels. I told my teenage daughter to wash a load of towels that morning.  She has a habit of disobedience.  I reminded her several times.  I dried off with a wash cloth.

I was beyond frustrated. I let her know exactly what I thought about her disobedience. "Oh, I guess I misunderstood Mom."  Things turned ugly from there.

I went to my room still fuming.  Dragon gave me the look.  Fear replaced frustration. Not just fear but absolute terror.  I knew that I deserved a punishment.  She shouldn't have been allowed her little act of defiance. I should have stood in the laundry room door and watched her put the towels on to wash.

I understand now why Dragon backs off so often.  Terror.  I learned very young to fear punishment.  Not just a smack on the backside but something far worse. For 18 years I lived in fear of my parent's tempers.  Over 25 years later, that fear is still just as real.

When faced with a punishment I turn into a 4 year old looking at a giant of a man holding a belt.

Instead of reassurance and following through with it, Dragon backs off. He loves me more than that.

I understand.