Baby Steps

Fly lady teaches baby steps for a clean house.  I don't know why I didn't think to apply those steps to other parts of my life.

I have some health issues.  Chronic headaches are just one of them.  The constant discomfort leads to frustration and depression.  The depression leads to more pain.  It is a cycle that is hard to break.

I have tried going full speed ahead.  "I am going to beat this." And I crash and burn. Done it several times.  Full speed crash.

I am trying a different approach this time. A schedule with plenty of rest.  Baby steps with little fly missions.

One baby step at a time.

A morning walk with the puppies.  School work with the kids.  A few steps on my most recent project and dinner for dragon.

Baby steps.

Writing it down intimidates me a little but as long as I move and alternate with rest I can do this.

No more full speed ahead.  It didn't work but I know this will.

PS.  This week I am adding a home blessing hour.  With 4 of us home every day, that is 15 minutes of moving fast to get an area clean.  No perfect but good enough.  Perfection is a disease I am trying to cure.

prayers please

My oldest daughter just lost yet another job.  Fired for being late multiple times and working too slow.

Honestly, I would have fired her.  She lives in a bad part of town. One where the police don't like responding.  The crime rate is very high and violence is the norm.And she complains about people stealing her gas and letting the air out of her tires.  That is one reason she gets to work late.  The other is not getting up on time.

Right now she is feeling absolutely defeated.  I know that feeling.

All In

Dragon has two extremes.

What I will call null.  Lots of cuddle, some sex and lots of fishing

 The other extreme?

 Everything kinky fun.

He is all into it right now.  That man really knows how to rock my world.  That means all things kinky AND DD.

I hope this lasts.

How Dragon says "I love you"

I came into our marriage with a LOT of baggage.  Damaged from a lifetime of abuse. I had trust issued and I was afraid of my own shadow.

I put on a good show of dealing with it during the day but night time was a different story.  As soon as the lights go out the fear escalated.

 During our 20 years together Dragon has adjusted to my night light.  A lamp with a low wattage bulb in it but sometimes, most of the time, it isn't enough.  As I am falling asleep I startle very easy.

The slightest unexpected noise, shadows, movement.  It could be anything.  Dragon's arms around me help but they aren't always enough.

Last night, before I even began to struggle, Dragon got up and turned on the over head light.

The light bugged me at first.  It is very bright.  But I began to relax I'm his arms.  I fell asleep within minutes.  No startling.  No jumping.  No muffled screams.

Just sleep.

Good, rest full sleep.

Dragon doesn't even like my night lights but he knows I haven't slept in two days.  He wanted to try leaving the light on to help me.  Just to see.

Why is that odd?  I can't stand bright lights on at night.  I have lamps.all over the house to keep the lighting soft.  T gets rid of the hard lines of shadow.  But.I wasn't sleeping at all.  Only with the sun shining in the windows could I find rest.

Dragon's experiment was a success.  I can't remember the last time I had such a restful night.

Love my man just a little.  He is so good to me.

Waking up

In the mornings our alarm is set to go off about 40 minutes before we have to get up.  The first round of beeps never wakes me up.  About 20 minutes into Dragon's alarm clock ritual I finally start waking up.  He puts his arms around me.  I keep snoozing.

It isn't until my cell startes buzzing that I wake up. Almost silent, an app on my phone buzzes to tell me to take my basil temp.  Reaching over, I silence that alarm and roll over to enjoy one last cuddle.  When the alarm goes off again it is time to get moving.

We have our routine down to the minute.  Breakfast, coffee, making his lunch.  Routine is comforting.  I love it.  Slow, easy and relaxed.  No rushing.

My Imagination

A few weeks ago Dragon slid my panties down, bent me over the bed and inserted a fig of ginger.  He re dressed me and told me to go get a shower.  That was one very uncomfortable shower.

Ginger is a fibrous root.  He peels off the tuff outer skin, carves the tip into an easy to insert point and a ring to hold it in place about an inch from the other end.  Since lubricant keeps the root from doing what it does, water is the only assistance I get. Let's just say that it is very uncomfortable going in.  And the burn?  It feels like my ass is on fire.

That little scene was enough to get my imagination going.  What if he inserted a fig....

* just before we had to start dinner?

*out in the garage while we are working on the car?

*while we are fishing at the pond?

*in the car just before we go shopping?

I am all hot and bothered just making my lust.  Ummm...   list!

I told Dragon during some after sex pillow talk.  He got that look on his face that makes me nervous.

Yikes!

What have I done?

I think that I have a burning add and a red face in my future.

PS.  I emailed the breeder and let her know that I can't take the puppy.  I am sad but I know God has a plan
 

didn't happen

I got an email from the breeder today asking for the deposit.  $400 for hockey or $400 for puppy?  We can't do it.  Then another $1400 in November.

Like I said, we needed a miracle.

I thought about a go fund me page but I am just not that popular. I have tried to do fund raisers before for a cancer event.  No help.  The only person to donate was my mom.

I am a four legged fury person.  I haven't met an animal that I can't make friends with.

God has a plan and I can't see it.  I am spoiled and don't like to hear no.  I'll get over it.

Pouting tonight

crazy life this is

My head is still spinning from the last 30 days.  At times it has been hard to breath.  No death or really huge disasters.  Just lots of things piling up.

Fall sports.  Kid drama.  Family drama.  And something bit me.  I was sick for over a week!  Spider maybe?  We have been invaded by St Andrew's spiders and a few mouse spiders have been spotted too.

But there has been fun stuff too.  Dragon has to go slow and gentile.  He has to watch for the panic that ends with me shivering in his arms.  No impact.  No spanking or flogging.  No knife play, no restraints.

My daughter triggered me hard.  It is going to take time to get my head around things again.  Dragon is working hard to make me feel safe.  It may take weeks or months.

Lots of touching in safe places until I quit flinching.  Then we will try some nudity and hot spots.  Slowly.

We are starting all over again.  But my Dragon is a patient man and I am trying.  Dragon didn't hurt me.  My daughter told me she was assaulted by one of her dates.  It put me back in a defensive mode.  It brought back the fear. (PS.  I am nearly 100% sure my daughter lied about being raped. Sometimes I wonder if she knows the difference between the truth and a lie. )

Tis life.

This to shall pass.

One more stressor?  We don't have the $$ for my next service dog.  I have chosen an American Mastiff because of the size, health and longevity.  But the breeders like them too.  $1800.  I have $60 so far.  Praying for a miracle.

Never Forget

9-11-2011

I was expecting our son. Dragon had just returned from a tense deployment.  It was a honey do day.  He was hanging wallpaper, the kids were watching cartoons and I was prooning an out if control bush.

Then my mom called.  It was an international call and very expensive.  She didn't have one of our super special calling cards.

She told me to turn on the TV.   The first tower had been hit. It was a tragic accident.  A major disaster.

Then the second plane hit and we knew it was no accident.

 I knew Dragon would leave again soon.  My hope was that he would be home for our son to be born.

Don't ever forget those who died that day and those who died defending us.

Where were you when the world stopped turning?