This is a very hard topic for me to approach. My heart has been convicted yet again. Dragon gives so much to our marriage, he deserves my absolute and total submission. Anything less than 100% of what I have to give is not enough. I would like to say this all comes from me but it doesn't. We have been talking.
There are several areas of our marriage that I should be submitting in that I'm not. It is hard to decide which topic to approach first. Sexually, obedience, punishment. I'm not even sure what got to me. What made me start thinking. The level of his commitment to me. Maybe? Our love for each other? No way to be sure what it was.
Oh where to start..... Here goes nothing
Submitting to him sexually has always been hard. My brain is wired lesbian and I am married to a man. You can see why saying no to vanilla sex is easy when I should be saying yes. It is even easier to say no to things that really are hard for me. Giving him a blow job. Why is this one act so hard for me? Why do I keep telling him no? When he takes me in the ass. When he wants it, I shouldn't say no. He makes it feel good. Embarrassed? Squicked with the idea of ass play? Probably a little of both.
And you would think that being a DD couple for a while, I would have this punishment thing down. Yes? no.... I whine and plead. Try my very best to talk my way out of it. Even when I deserve to be punished, I know if I can put just a little doubt in his head that he will have second thoughts. When I am finally OTK, I whine and plead. Wiggle out of the way and put my hands on my backside. Grab at the paddle and brat. After only a few swats, I scream that I have had enough and plead with him for it to be over. Even knowing I can take a lot more. Knowing that I deserve every swat, I talk him out of it.
What should I be doing? Saying yes. It all comes down to obedience and submission. My own determination to do this thing we do. Vanilla sex is easy. I don't have to do anything and a blow job should be just as easy. Simply open my mouth and take his sex into my mouth. Keeping my hands on the floor and my whiny mouth shut during discipline! I can do this.
I even whine when he picks out my clothes. Lacy panties, a thong or even no panties at all. A new dress or anything that is outside my comfort zone. It is past time to trust him. It is past time to fully submit to him. To submit to him his way, not mine.
We have been talking a lot. Enough privacy to spank or play is rare so we have used our time in other ways. Talking. Negotiating. Learning about expectations and discovering disappointments. The change has already began. We haven't moved into the new house yet, he needs a day off for us to move. But things are changing already. I have already submitted to something hard today.
I can do this...
We can do this together....
And yes, blog friends, I will write about it!
Ps. why the new background? We are working on making this rental house a home for our family and working on our own relationship. We are hereby a construction zone DIY style!
Dragon decided that I needed a submission exercise today. Shave. (Not a problem, I was getting tired of growing all that hair down there. Ick. I was just waiting for him to say it was ok to shave!) And get a little self pleasure. (Again not a problem! Nice, smooth, soft skin needs to be touched.)
He is already talking about another submission exercise for for tomorrow. Age play? Okay! I'm up for it. I wonder what he has in mind.