Cancer

One sweet lady just lost her life to an aggressive cancer.  Diagnosed in March and gone today.  A father with both a young child and several grandchildren just starting chemotherapy.  And so many more. 

They remind me to LIVE! 

I lost my father July 1, 1990.  His funeral was on independence Day. 

All life lessons.

1. Don't go to bed on your anger.
2.  Make sure the last thing your loved ones hear from you is "I love you" 
3.  Learn something new
4.  Reach for your dreams.

And last but not least

Relationships are more important than money!!!

This year is harder than most but I look around and see so many things to be thankful for!

Don't live a life you will regret.  Live to die smiling.

Music

We are a very musical family.  I am the only one in the family that doesn't play multiple instruments.  My oldest daughter has several guitars.  Two acoustics and an electric. She loves folk music and prefers the acoustic.  I ended up with the electric. 

About the time I decided to dust it off and learn to play, another kid decided to pick it up. I turned it over to her.  I needed to work my mind so I picked it up again. 

Trying to share a guitar with a musical genius is difficult.  She is an excellent teacher and very patient. But this leaning thing would be easier with a second guitar. 

Dragon stopped by the pawn shop and got me a new guitar. 

Okay, New to me.

It isn't expensive or high quality but I suck at the guitar.  Until I get better, cheap works just fine.

Hey!  Progress!  Ode to Joy almost sounds like a song!  It is a simple, six note song played on two strings.  I get the frets mixed up but I'm getting better!

I have heard that it isn't about talent.  It is about practice.   If that is true, I got this. 

Sex

It just isn't appealing for me.  My monthlies are very irregular, power surges happen several times a day, mood swings are a fact of life and I not in the mood for sex.  I say yes to play but it does absolutely nothing for me.  Dry as a bone and thinking about just getting it over with. 

I know.  I am a horrible wife.  Maybe I should take the advice of the Victorian mother and think of England.  Or maybe fake it like a porn star. 

I am set to zero.

Cuddling is more my speed but only if he doesn't make a grand for previously sensitive spots. 

I have tried to talk to Dragon.  I understand his frustration and I know he thinks that I'm not listening.  I'm not sure he is listening to me.

I can't even get into a spanking or a good flogging.

I don't know what to do.  Feeling a little lost right now.

A New Hobby

Health problems steal my energy.  I just can't do what I did before.  I'm slowly working on endurance.  It is an accomplishment to walk to the mailbox without stopping.  A quarter mile at a slow pace but I can do it.  One baby step at a time.  I decided to learn something new to exercise my mind, just like walking exercises my body.

I have halfway tried to learn the guitar before but nothing clicked.  This time it is.  I may never be any good at it but I won't learn if I don't try. 

My youngest daughter only reads Tab.  The book I'm using doesn't teach tab until the second book.  So we are learning together.  I am learning how to play and she is learning how to read sheet music and apply it to the guitar. 

I picked up my lesson book with the same lesson I had given up on and I could play it!  Everything came right back.  I guess I gave up too soon. 

I'm not sure how far I will get with the guitar but I am going to try.

The Enemy

It really was food.  Food was slowly killing me and I had no idea. 

I normally eat like a mouse.  Little nibbles of food here and there.  Raw veggies and fruit most of the day and one sit down meal with portions more appropriate for a child. 

But I got hungry.  During the day I ate the fruit and veggies but more of them.  At dinner instead of one small plate of food, I was eating seconds and thirds.  Then would come the purge.  My body would get rid of every bite.  Every night I was vomiting and running to the bathroom.  I learned not to ever trust a fart.  It felt like my intestines were twisting.  Everything hurt. 

Now, without wheat or any kind of gluten in my diet, I feel so much better.  First the bloating went down.  I could button my pants.  The pressure doesn't hurt anymore. 

And this week I noticed that my eating habits are back to normal.  I was only able to eat half a hot dog.  The dogs were very happy to get a few table scraps again. 

I was so hungry before because my body wasn't absorbing any nutrients from the food I was eating.  I ate so much because my body demanded it.  It was confusing because I wasn't gaining weight.  I usually gain weight when I smell food.  That is why I eat mostly raw fruits and veggies.

 I had a snacksident with kale.  Yep.  Just kale. No dressing. 

Off wheat, I am feeling so much better.  I am back to my usual grazing and small meals.  I still get tired very easy but I'm trying to be patient. One trip to the mailbox is about a quarter mile.  I can make it with a few rest stops but I'm trying.  Baby steps. 

Even the brain fog feels like it is lifting. 

Progress.  One day at a time. 

Dragon has been awesome with all of this.  I don't know what I would do without him. 

Fear

After all this time I am still afraid. 

I don't understand. 

I love where our play sends my head. 

I love sub space

But

Getting there is the problem. 

I asked for the belt.  I know I need the tears that only come from the belt but when he takes his belt off I cringe in fear. 

Of my Dragon?

Good grief.  I know he would never hurt me.  My tears don't come from pain.  They come from trust and total relaxation. 

I am not afraid of the belt or the paddle or the whips or the ropes.

I'm afraid of letting go.  My armor falling away.  I am afraid of letting tears fall. Of letting my heart bleed