I had never thought of safe words as withdrawing consent but Sara's blog post made me think. Is it really? If you get right down to it, calling red is withdrawing consent. Even if it is only for a moment. Enough time for me to change positions or change implements. But in that moment I have withdrawn my consent for him to continue.
I can call red at any time.
Always
I can even completely red out of a punishment.
What usually happens? I have some time to think. Get a little distance from him and the situation. Then I go back to him, we talk and I get spanked.
I'll have to think about this for a while. I need those safe words. I do. But the idea that it is withdrawing consent has me rattled. It will take a little time to work this out in my head again.
Interesting concept, DR. I'm not sure that I agree with Sara. Part of our agreements include a safeword if we have an immediate physical or emotional need. We red, they stop, they help us through whatever the issue is, and then they continue.
ReplyDeleteIn my mind, there is no change in the power exchange. They agree to allow the safeword, the terms and conditions of it's use. And even if it is correction/punishment, it stops as long as needed, but is not eliminated, it just continues when we are where we need to be.
Safewords are just tools to keep us from being harmed, physically or emotionally, but they don't affect the balance of power.
That is why we have safe words too. For both of us. It is just a different way of looking at it. I have withdrawn my consent temporarily. I may give it back in 30 seconds but in that space of time, everything stops. I call yellow more often than red.
DeleteI chose a safe word to help my husband realize that I would stop him before he went too far. That way, when I am complaining about it hurting, etc., he will know he's not doing major damage. I promised him that I would use it, and if I haven't, then I'm punished but "safe". I don't see it as a withdrawl, unless I abused it. My husband wants me to be "safe". It's not to be used, just because I don't want a spanking, or it wouldn't really be discipline. It would still be me, failing to discipline myself, and him not doing anything about it. I asked him for the help, because I was failing. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand Sara, withdrawing her consent. It does not feel safe for her anymore, at this point, so it's the right thing to do. Just my opinion. God Bless You and Yours, Belle L.
ReplyDeleteIt is the right thing for Sara to do for now. I had just never though of safe words that way. They are there to keep both of us safe. With my background, owch is just the same as saying red. He stops to make sure I am still ok.
DeleteSafewords can be a important part of our dynamics and relationships. Taking time to see to our partners state of mind, and spirit becomes very important. Even in the context of correction or discipline, there has to be affection and love at the heart of it all... a spanking doesen't necessarily stop for tears or safewords... It just stops until things can be evaluated.
ReplyDeleteCalling a safe word absolutely does not mean everything stops for good. It gives him a chance to see what is wrong. It is his choice.
DeleteI think a lot of DD relationships don't have safe words, but I've always admired that yours does...
ReplyDeleteI couldn't do this without safe words. It would be to much. I trust him but I don't trust myself.
Deletehmmm i just read Sara's post myself last night (well in the wee hrs of this morning) and i'm finding both of these posts and the comments very interesting. Before i leave my own i will try to find my words.
ReplyDeleteIn the mean time, have a good day :)/melinda
I read parts of Sara's post to Dragon. He got a thoughtful look on his face. He is the one that said that a safe word really is withdrawing consent. Even if it is only for a few seconds. Love that look on his face.
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