Every year, when we put up the Christmas tree, I start snapping at the kids. I know why now.
The kids are excited like kids will be about the tree coming in the house and the decorations going up. The are chatty, asking questions and arguing about the best position of their favorite ornaments. There are a few ornaments that mean more to me than the others. One is a little fireplace that is from our very first Christmas as a family. The other one that is meaningful is a little glass angel. We purchased it in a little Christmas village the year I lost one my babies. I was only 7 weeks along but I had been so sure that this one was going to stick. I had already lost 3 when I got pregnant one more time. I felt so good, until the cramping started.
That was around Thanksgiving in 1996. I still mourn for my lost little one and when I put that little angel on the tree, it hurts. I need just a moment to compose myself. Quiet for just a few minutes to blink back the tears and say a little prayer.
Oh but wait a minute. I have 3 kids crowded around me decorating the tree. They are excited and can't wait for the presents to appear. I ask to be left alone for few minutes and it doesn't happen. Nonsense questions come rapid fire. An argument and tug of war with a delicate ornament. My temper gets out of control and things get worse from there.
After all these years I finally understand. I know what sets everything into motion. Next year, I will know to retreat to the bedroom for a few minutes.
Problem solved.
Not this year. This year I had a full melt down. But next year I will know.
I am so sorry for your loss. You may have only been 7 weeks, but you already loved that baby. Now that you realize the reason for your meltdown you can take a few moments alone to remember your little one and that's okay. Someday you mey even be able to share the story of that angel with your children and remember your little one with a smile instead of tears. Hugs Shelly.
ReplyDeleteThank you Shelly. Maybe one day I'll be able to tell the story of the angels and not cry.
DeleteIt's good when you learn the trigger points. It can help tremendously.
ReplyDeleteI knew lost baby made me sad this time of the year. I had no idea the angels played a part in the melt down. But that is when it started.
DeleteI understand. I have lost two angels myself and every year as the date I lost them approaches, I get in a funk. Most people don't understand that even if you have other children, you still feel the loss of those you never had a chance to hold and get to know. My heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteMaybe this year when you take down the tree, you can set your special ornaments aside in a separate box form the rest. That way they're not in the mix when the kids are all excited about decorating the tree. They can be added after the kids are done. While I don't have any ornaments for my angels, I do have a few meaningful ornaments that I only put on the tree after our daughter is done decorating.
When I sat down and thought about the meltdown, I had that same idea. I am going to take the angels off the tree the day before clean up day. The plan is to put them all in a labeled box with a note. My memory is bad that I'll forget and do it all wrong again next year if I don't have that reminder.
DeleteI think that is a wonderful idea. Maybe even put it on the tree, after all have gone to bed, and you can have as much time as you need (your special time to be with the baby's memory, and with God). I am so sorry for your loss. I have no idea the pain you must feel. One day in heaven, we will never have to fear or feel the pain of goodbyes again. You will have ALL your children with you, with no one missing. May God comfort you and bless you, Belle L.
DeleteNo matter how many children you have, your heart will always remember the lost ones. Dana has a great idea of setting the special ornament aside and adding it after the children are done decorating. Maybe even waiting until after they go to bed. Then you can take as much time as you need for quiet reflection and prayer.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Cat
I had a really hard time with babies sticking too. Actually with just getting pregnant in the first place, and then with them sticking. My miscarriages were truly the most disappointing moments of my life. I am tearing up just reading this, sister of my heart...
ReplyDeleteI can say or do nothing other than wipe away my own tears, hold out my hand, sit with you quietly, and ask your angel to bless you with peace in your heart. They are special to us, they are real to us from the moment they are a little blue line.(((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI think Dana & Cat had a brilliant idea. It would be a lovey tradition to bring into your family.
Hugs
ReplyDeleteHugs!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you found the trigger for whats wrong. Take time... I know I need to do it too.
I never fully mourned for our loss since I got pregnant with the twins only a few months after.
I know there is still a hole in my heart.
I'm so sorry! My daughter just lost an angel at nine weeks into her pregnancy so we are living with this sad feeling at the moment. It's also this time of year I lost my mum in 1982. But time does help us cope with our tears and memories are good to have. We can look at our children and smile as we think about our lost 'little diamonds'.
ReplyDelete(I have five little glass angels. I wrap them each year in tissue paper and take them out each Christmas and hand them from the bottom of a candle light-fitting that hangs over our dining table. Each one represents someone who was once dear to me and I am the only one to handle them and hang them up. I understand you completely.)
Love and blessings, Ami