Things see to be going so good. We are making bills plus some. Dragon's job is still iffy but we will worry about that when it happens. The kids are getting a very good Christmas.
Life is good.
Right?
Then I learn that my baby girl, my oldest daughter had a miscarriage.
I feel like I am on a roller coaster.
The football game today did make me smile and do a happy dance. But made the loopty loops on my roller coaster day nauseating.
You see, in the south, football is King. In the grand state of Alabama (my home state) you are either for Alabama or Auburn the under dog. Most of my family cheers for Alabama. As a small child, I thought the whole thing was stupid. So... I did what any defiant child would do. I chose the other team.
Alabama wins more games but I am loyal. Every year, I cheer for Auburn. This year they weren't ranked. Not even on the charts. They played hard and only lost one game all season. AlAlabama was unbeatable. ZERO losses. Until today.
WAR EAGLE!!!!!
WE WON!!!!
Auburn now holds the #1 spot
I am currently in a series of loops on this roller coaster of mine. Dinner is ready but I can't eat. Best pot of chili I have ever made and all I want to do is cry.
Yep. Feelin just a little emotional tonight.
Tomorrow, I will be the mom in tears. My two youngest kids will be baptized.
See?
I don't know how I am supposed to feel. Happy? Sad? Both?
I am confused....
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Friday, November 29, 2013
Little Angel
Today is the day I lost my little angel. I was just over 7 weeks pregnant and thought that I finally had a baby that was going to stick. She was named already. Sarah Faith. A little sister for my beautiful daughter.
But it wasn't ment to be. My tummy felt funny and I just didn't feel right. I told Dragon that she was gone. The spotting started. Then the tissue came. And finally a tiny baby. A perfectllittle head. Arms and legs. They didn't let me see her on the ultrasound but she had a heart beat just hours before I held her.
If she had just been a little older. A little bit bigger. Today she would have turned 18 years old. She was my fourth miscarriage and very nearly my last pregnancy. Dragon didn't want to try again. We are both very happy we did . Three more pregnancies and three beautiful children.
All these years later it still hurts. My Christmas tree is filled with angels for her. All year long you can find angels in every room of my house. I see one and have to have it. One day I will meet my lost babies but for now I will enjoy the ones I have here on earth. Heaven will just have to wait.
But it wasn't ment to be. My tummy felt funny and I just didn't feel right. I told Dragon that she was gone. The spotting started. Then the tissue came. And finally a tiny baby. A perfectllittle head. Arms and legs. They didn't let me see her on the ultrasound but she had a heart beat just hours before I held her.
If she had just been a little older. A little bit bigger. Today she would have turned 18 years old. She was my fourth miscarriage and very nearly my last pregnancy. Dragon didn't want to try again. We are both very happy we did . Three more pregnancies and three beautiful children.
All these years later it still hurts. My Christmas tree is filled with angels for her. All year long you can find angels in every room of my house. I see one and have to have it. One day I will meet my lost babies but for now I will enjoy the ones I have here on earth. Heaven will just have to wait.
Sleepy Sex
We had a quiet Thanksgiving. Church in the morning and an afternoon drive. Barbecue and potato salad for dinner. Family time. It was nice.
By 9 I was ready to go to bed. I left the kids in the living room watching Christmas movies. For a change, I fell asleep without any problems. I guess that is what a stress free day does for me. :-) My daughter came home from work and woke me up just enough to let me know that she was home safe. (house rules)
Sometime in the middle of the night, I felt my panties slide off my bottom. Not all the way off, just enough for wandering hands to explore. I heard paper rip and felt Dragon shift his weight.
I was to sleepy to care what he was up to. My memory of the late night activities is a bit foggy. I remember thinking "WOW it doesn't hurt tonight. He must be taking his time." A little latter I think I said, "Hmmmm, that feels good." Not sure if I just dreamed that part.
When I woke up this morning, my panties were back in place and I was left wondering if it was just a dream. Before Dragon left for work, he let me know how pleased he was with me.
The great, sleepy sex that I thought was a very very good dream was real!
Today is a wonderful day. I am just a little sore today. A reminder of his touch every time I sit.
By 9 I was ready to go to bed. I left the kids in the living room watching Christmas movies. For a change, I fell asleep without any problems. I guess that is what a stress free day does for me. :-) My daughter came home from work and woke me up just enough to let me know that she was home safe. (house rules)
Sometime in the middle of the night, I felt my panties slide off my bottom. Not all the way off, just enough for wandering hands to explore. I heard paper rip and felt Dragon shift his weight.
I was to sleepy to care what he was up to. My memory of the late night activities is a bit foggy. I remember thinking "WOW it doesn't hurt tonight. He must be taking his time." A little latter I think I said, "Hmmmm, that feels good." Not sure if I just dreamed that part.
When I woke up this morning, my panties were back in place and I was left wondering if it was just a dream. Before Dragon left for work, he let me know how pleased he was with me.
The great, sleepy sex that I thought was a very very good dream was real!
Today is a wonderful day. I am just a little sore today. A reminder of his touch every time I sit.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Happy Spanksgiving
We had our Thanksgiving celebration last Sunday. It was the only day both Dragon and my daughter would be home. So.... Thursday we will smoke a briscit and celebrate spanksgiving privately.
It has been very cold the last few days. Cold for us this far south! The garage and my bottom have been neglected. Since this time of the year is hard for both of us, that is a very bad thing.
I am going to move the space heater back out to the garage, vacuum the rug and do a little cleaning. I found the little glass dildo in a box. I tthink Dragon has forgotten about it. I'll get it ready for play and move the hitachi to a plug in the garage. Line up the paddles and floggers.
Hmmmm....
What else? Maybe a knife and a hand of ginger. This is going to be play and not anything as serious as a maintenance or punishment. But.....
Who knows? These things tend to go in unexpected directions.
I'll have to wait and see.
Other plans for the day?
Fill a quart jar with change and a few bills. Then go out and find someone who needs a blessing. Have the youngest family member give it to the person, say happy Thanksgiving and run.
It has been very cold the last few days. Cold for us this far south! The garage and my bottom have been neglected. Since this time of the year is hard for both of us, that is a very bad thing.
I am going to move the space heater back out to the garage, vacuum the rug and do a little cleaning. I found the little glass dildo in a box. I tthink Dragon has forgotten about it. I'll get it ready for play and move the hitachi to a plug in the garage. Line up the paddles and floggers.
Hmmmm....
What else? Maybe a knife and a hand of ginger. This is going to be play and not anything as serious as a maintenance or punishment. But.....
Who knows? These things tend to go in unexpected directions.
I'll have to wait and see.
Other plans for the day?
Fill a quart jar with change and a few bills. Then go out and find someone who needs a blessing. Have the youngest family member give it to the person, say happy Thanksgiving and run.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Yeah me!
I am the queen of procrastination. Yep, that is me. I have been dreading a chore. I have managed to put it off for over a year. It has turned into an even bigger job. Eeekkk.
Sorting a few mixed up boxes the movers made a disaster of. One box is gone. Linnens are in another box. Most of the stuff in that box is in the garage. Just the usable stuff is left. One more box to go.
I now have a spot for the cat playpen. She has been naughty. Every time the door opens, shestreaks out and won't come back. She comes back hours later, covered in fleas.
Yuck!
I can't have that. Not when I am finally getting the fleas under control. So the cat goes in the playpen I have for foster cats. It is either that or get rid of her. Not an option.
She will still have some freedom of the house but it will help us keep her safe.
Yeah! No punishment for me! Dragon made it a task. He got tired of my bad attitude and took it to the seat of the problem. If it didn't get done today, he was prepared to for the worst. A barn burner. Yeash....
Hey, I may just get a good girl spanking out of this. Happy me. :-)
Ps Dragon's biggest problem with the cat wasn't her sneaking out but that was part of it. She has decided that his clean clothes make a perfect litter box. Never mine, just his. After going to work twice smelling like cat pee he had enough.
I can't blame him. Not sure what to do with her other than trying the crate for a while.
Sorting a few mixed up boxes the movers made a disaster of. One box is gone. Linnens are in another box. Most of the stuff in that box is in the garage. Just the usable stuff is left. One more box to go.
I now have a spot for the cat playpen. She has been naughty. Every time the door opens, shestreaks out and won't come back. She comes back hours later, covered in fleas.
Yuck!
I can't have that. Not when I am finally getting the fleas under control. So the cat goes in the playpen I have for foster cats. It is either that or get rid of her. Not an option.
She will still have some freedom of the house but it will help us keep her safe.
Yeah! No punishment for me! Dragon made it a task. He got tired of my bad attitude and took it to the seat of the problem. If it didn't get done today, he was prepared to for the worst. A barn burner. Yeash....
Hey, I may just get a good girl spanking out of this. Happy me. :-)
Ps Dragon's biggest problem with the cat wasn't her sneaking out but that was part of it. She has decided that his clean clothes make a perfect litter box. Never mine, just his. After going to work twice smelling like cat pee he had enough.
I can't blame him. Not sure what to do with her other than trying the crate for a while.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Letters from home
We were cleaning up the garage yesterday and found a box of letters. Ones I sent to Dragon when he was deployed. Those ment more to him than I ever imagined. Here is the first one I picked up out of the box. He wrote this one to me in 2009.
My Love,
I am sorry I haven't written more. I know how much a letter means. I guess I have been lazy this deployment. Every day I wake up and think I am one day closer to you. Right now that is all I want to know. Then someone comes to me and says we only have xx days to go and that sounds like forever to me. I am looking forward to spending time with you again. I am going to try to be a better husband when I get back. I know we have changed and it is hard to make the switch from being around people I really don't like all that much to being with those I love dearly. It seems like it would be easy but for some reason the jerck stays with me too long. Please help me so that I can make the transition and show you how much I really love you. I don't want to get home and hurt you. I know that I already have by the lack of letters this trip and I am very sorry. Please forgive me. I love you always.
This was written during a huge ptsd break. We were holding on but only just. When he came home, we were able to put our marriage back together. We dated, went on picnics and long walks. It was hard but we came out of it better than ever.
My Love,
I am sorry I haven't written more. I know how much a letter means. I guess I have been lazy this deployment. Every day I wake up and think I am one day closer to you. Right now that is all I want to know. Then someone comes to me and says we only have xx days to go and that sounds like forever to me. I am looking forward to spending time with you again. I am going to try to be a better husband when I get back. I know we have changed and it is hard to make the switch from being around people I really don't like all that much to being with those I love dearly. It seems like it would be easy but for some reason the jerck stays with me too long. Please help me so that I can make the transition and show you how much I really love you. I don't want to get home and hurt you. I know that I already have by the lack of letters this trip and I am very sorry. Please forgive me. I love you always.
This was written during a huge ptsd break. We were holding on but only just. When he came home, we were able to put our marriage back together. We dated, went on picnics and long walks. It was hard but we came out of it better than ever.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Indian summer
It isn't the rain we so desperately need but the weather was perfect for working outside. Chores that would have been done in the freezing cold when we lived up north. It was a busy day. It was so nice that my kids didn't even fight.
Gutters cleaned, fire wood cut, the first stage of Christmas lights up. Like I said, it was a productive day. Lots done on an 80* day. Temps unheard of up in the mountains of Idaho for November.
After a shower and a nice sit down meal with my family, it was time for some fun. The flogging ended up being much shorter than either one of us wanted. A muscle in my shoulder protested. A burning ache that had nothing to do with the floggers and didn't feel good at all. We went inside to continue the fun.
Well.... That didn't last long either. I over did it working outside. The damaged nerves in my face had enough. It was time to get some rest and my body demanded it. No play, no movie or story book. Nothing worked. Just sleep.
But Dragon still got his fun. Since I ended up going to bed supper early, I was up at 4:30. Dragon was ready to play. We had over an hour to play before he needed to get ready for work.
Best way to start the work week ever!
Gutters cleaned, fire wood cut, the first stage of Christmas lights up. Like I said, it was a productive day. Lots done on an 80* day. Temps unheard of up in the mountains of Idaho for November.
After a shower and a nice sit down meal with my family, it was time for some fun. The flogging ended up being much shorter than either one of us wanted. A muscle in my shoulder protested. A burning ache that had nothing to do with the floggers and didn't feel good at all. We went inside to continue the fun.
Well.... That didn't last long either. I over did it working outside. The damaged nerves in my face had enough. It was time to get some rest and my body demanded it. No play, no movie or story book. Nothing worked. Just sleep.
But Dragon still got his fun. Since I ended up going to bed supper early, I was up at 4:30. Dragon was ready to play. We had over an hour to play before he needed to get ready for work.
Best way to start the work week ever!
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