Meeting the Dragon

　
Ok
　
So I finally got it out.
　
My history.
　
What makes me seem a little strange to people who don‘t know. Why it is so hard to make friends.
　
How could a girl like that ever fall in love? I met the one person in this world I could learn to trust. Patient and kind.
　
I was a single mother just out of an abusive relationship. The ink of the divorce papers was still wet. The ex was still in jail where I put him. With a baby to support, my minimum wage job wasn’t enough. I had to make new opportunities for both of us. I loved helping people and blood didn’t bother me one bit. EMT school seemed a natural fit. I cut my hours at my restaurant job to go back to school. Orientation was the first week in September. I was more than ready to have a job that paid enough to buy groceries.
　
This guy was sitting on the other side of the class room. He was quiet and left me alone. Quiet and intent on the orientation. Another student kept trying to flirt with him. She was so forward that I figured they had to be an item. Nope. He only had eyes for me. He watched for a few days and listened. He discovered that my world revolved around my daughter and making a life for the two of us. I didn’t care much for men and wasn’t interested in dating.
　
I think he must have taken that as a challenge. For two weeks he have me is phone number every day of class. He couldn’t believe that I didn’t have a phone. I wasn’t about to use the phone next door to call him. Finally I decided to invite him to the house. Between school, working and a sick baby I was too tired to cut the grass. I need some help and he was the only one volunteering.
　
When he agreed to come over after he got off of work, I let a few people know I was expecting male company. My Biker Dude neighbor met him in the drive way. (just to make sure he wasn’t a threat and to make sure this boy knows where the real threat is!) Biker Dude was very protective of his young neighbor. He ran off all the men I tried to date, except this one.
　
I was surprised. Dragon didn’t run. He walked up to the door and rang the door bell. The grass didn’t get cut that day. We spent all day sitting on the couch getting to know each other. He figured out I had reason to be a man hater and I discovered that I wanted to know more about this guy I just couldn‘t bring myself to hate.
　
With time and patience, I began to trust him.
　

I Told Him

Yep. I did it. I told him Friday evening.
　
It was another crazy busy day and I was pulling out my hair as usual. My computer did its thing and shut down before I could get it turned on, the kids were doing what they do and all I wanted to do was SCREAM!
　
He noticed.
　
“Do you need to be taken care of?” he asked.
　
I nodded my head.
　
After a long, cool shower he called me to the bedroom. The paddles and floggers were laid out on the bed ready for use. When I finally found a comfortable position, he took great care of me. It was more of a scene than maintenance. It was great.
　
He used the paddles and flogger. Then he messed with my mind just a little. I was instructed not to move. Cold metal touched my back. It felt sharp as it moved across my skin. I trusted him. Very still. Then I felt heat move across my skin. His touch was delicious.
　
I’m not very good at writing scene reports. My memory gets fuzzy and sensations get mixed up as the scene progresses. At the end of this scene I was left relaxed. We slept curled up together. Nothing mattered. Worries? What worries? I could give more detail but I’m not sure what was what. Hot becomes cold. The world turns upside down. Reality fades. He is my reality during a good scene. His hands. His voice.
　
I didn’t get the stress relief session I asked for. I got something much better.
　

Tonight his homework is done. We are ready to start our crazy busy week all over again. I think I’ll ask for that stress relief spanking one more time. I need a pre Monday boost.

(We have used parts from several computers that didn't work.  Now I have one that works.  I'm so happy.  I hope this one lasts a little longer.)

A Needy Wife

That is what I feel like right now. Our schedule has gone all crazy and it is going to get worse. Sports, lessons and school work at home. And now my dear Dragon has decided he needs to finish his degree. I want to scream at him. He should have done this years ago but no. Now he puts all this crazy on us now. I am trying to be supportive. I am trying to be a good wife and mother. I am.
　
But it is hard.
　
He falls into bed exhausted at night. When brush my teeth before bed he doesn’t attack me from behind and grown in my ear. Nope. He is snoring in bed. Normally he is the aggressor and I feel over used. Now I just feel lonely. I know he is tired. But, but, but.
　
Yes, I know. That is life.
　
I need to find a new form of stress relief. What did I do before TTWD anyway? No mid week stress relief. I thought it was hard finding time over the summer. But now it is impossible and our schedule hasn’t even hit full swing. Work in my sewing room. Ride the bike. Read to the kids. Gardening is out. My allergies are too bad now.
　

I can feel the tension building. The little everyday stressors of a stay at home, home school mom are piling up. How much more can I handle before something has to give? Before I start screaming like a maniac? I am afraid that we are going to end up in another stupid silly fight. You know how those end don’t you? Me bare bottomed over his knee, begging him to stop and tears of anger on the edge of falling. Swat after stinging swat falling on my flaming backside. 

　
Unfortunately, he won’t leave me angry anymore. Nope. That is just a signal that he needs to take a break. Time for him to leave me alone in that dusty garage for about 20 minutes while I process what just happened. (yes, I get to re dress) No computer. No book. Just the chair and his dusty tools. When he comes back in, will I be off the hook? Oh no. Now he really gets to the seat of the matter.
　
I don’t look forward to that one. It is coming. I can feel it.
　
　
　

Seasons Changing?

I had a post all typed out and spell checked. Approved by the Dragon.
　
FAIL
　
Something is wrong with my poor old computer. It keeps shutting down at inopportune times. One more thing on my plate.
　
The theme of several blogs I have read fits right where I am. Seasons changing.
　
I wish this was simply a seasonal change but this is more like an intergalactic move. My husband career is ending. It is something we have planned for, worked for and looked forward to. But…. Not it is here.
　
For the first time in our relationship a job isn’t a given. It is a maybe. For the first time we have to job hunt. The house will have to be sold. (in the middle of a major recession?) We will move yet again to a new state and start all over. Most of our furniture will go to charity. I’ll clean out all the closets to the bare minimum.
　
Seasons?
　
I love the change from cold, hard winter to warm and renewed spring. I can’t see these changes like that. I can see that we are the winter. I can see things winding down from fall. The last of the leaves have fallen on this old life. A few months of winter and then it is time to begin our new lives.
　
Where will we live? Will we be able to provide for the kids? What will the home school laws be like in our state? Will we be near an ice rink? Music teachers? Will we have a yard or have to spend months living in the camper again?
　
　
Yes I am a little worried. I don’t do change very good at all. I’ll have to put on my big girl panties and handle this like I have every thing else. Lace up my running shoes, drag out the elliptical and find the yoga mat. My Bible will be close at hand with a prayer on my lips. The paddle will live beside the bed, ready at a moments notice.
　
One step at a time.
　
one second at a time.
　
　
Breath
　
I can do This
　
God is in the drivers seat
　

My oldest comes home for a short time tomorrow. Yes. I’m nervous about that too. Dragon made sure he would have half the day off to go to the airport with us. I’m not sure if I am happy to have her home. Everything is peaceful with her out of the picture. Quiet. All the drama is minor.

Wish me luck and say a prayer. I’ll present a happy face to the world. My prayer is that the smile is genuine and not a clown face.
　
(it doesn’t help that Dragon looked at job listings in his career field and only found 3 positions nation wide.)

Feeling Submissive

　
After a punishment, do you feel more submissive? When you are obedient do you feel submissive? Does something you do just for him put you in a more obedient and submissive state of mind? Wearing a skirt or a bracelet? Doing a bible study he told you to do? Writing in your journal? Anything? Then you have felt what is called sub-space. It isn’t something dirty or make believe. It is a feeling of being loved and feeling secure. Of loving him so much that you would do anything for him.

　

After a spanking or weekly maintenance have you found that normal aches and pains don’t bother as much? Do you feel a little energized and like you are in your happy place? Do you attack your every day chores with renewed energy? Do things that normally irritate you not seem so important? I hate to tell you this. I really do. But you have experienced an endorphin rush. It is better than any antidepressant. More potent than any illegal drug and more effective than a prescription from your doctor. And it is healthier than hitting the bottle.

　

So who has it right? The BDSM crowd who says it is all fun and games? Or the DD/Tih/TTWD crowd who says it is all business? Personally I think I have the best of both worlds. A little bit of both. My world feels balanced. My husband knows how to make me fly with endorphins and how to put me in my place when I have disappointed him. I feel loved. I am loved.

　

Sub space, endorphin high and flying are all words used in the BDSM community. But they apply to DD/TTWD also. The words are not evil or dirty. They give you a way to describe with you are feeling. They explain what is happening to your body. Those things you feel? There is an explanation for it. It isn’t unique to DD. I wonder how many people get into the BDSM lifestyle looking for what I have found in DD? I wonder how many people get into DD looking for what the BDSM community has found? And how many people out there realize that their relationship is beyond labels?

　

I have tried on so many different labels that I feel sticky. None of them really fit who I am or what we do in our marriage. We are who we are. Unique together. It works.

safe words

We use safe words for play. Yes, we play that hard. And we use safe words for TTWD. Why? Safety.

　

Red = All stop. Something is wrong and you need to check in.
\
Yellow = We don’t need to stop yet but something isn’t right.
　
Green = Hey that was great. Do that again
　

Blue = medical. Cut the ropes,. Get me out of this now. Asthma or other serious medical emergency.

　
I have heard that it is a trust issue. Is it really? How can my Dragon know for sure when I am having an asthma attack? How can he know when my leg is cramping? Or that I simply need to reposition myself across his lap? Most of the time he can see when I begin to panic. He can see when he has pushed just a little too far but not always. No is always no. Stop is always stop. The lights or safe words give him more information in one word. (right now my color would be blue)
　
I trust this man with my life. I trust him with children. Why wouldn’t I trust him with DD or kinky play? I do. It isn’t a matter of trust. He can’t read my mind. He doesn’t know when something isn’t working. My body language can be hard to read. It might be important for him to know that I just broke my toe and that I am bleeding. Oops.
　
It doesn’t matter if it is play or a more serous punishment. Safety is our first goal. Shouldn’t safety always be a concern? Both physically and emotionally he wants what is best for me. He doesn’t want to push too hard or go too far. Safe words are our safety net. They are always there to use.
　
Some people have raised the concern about misuse of the words. Worried that they would be used to get out of a well deserved punishment. That is always a possibility for some people but not for me. I feel like I have let him down. I feel like a failure when I use them. I am sure there are women out there who would over use them. My trouble comes from not using them enough.
　

He reassures me that using my colors is never a failure. If I am having an asthma attack, whatever we are doing needs to stop. If I am panicking play isn’t fun anymore and punishment damages. That is not what I am supposed to feel.

Guess I’ll have to work on that one.

Life is a Rose

A bullion rose to be specific.

I love to sew. Sewing has kept me sane all these years I have been a stay at home mom. When I gave up a career and college, I turned to my “new” sewing machine. I made crib bedding, cute baby dresses, maternity clothes, doll dress, dog coats and many other projects. I have therapy sessions with my needle and thread.

Over the years, I have become a stickler for quality. My first dresses looked “home made.” Now if something isn’t of the highest quality, it doesn’t come out of my sewing room. I have a huge dish barrel box full of projects that were not up to my standard. A dress that didn’t hang right, strips or plaids that didn’t match. Something wasn’t quiet right. But I would put aside the failed project and try again.

I have learned so many new things. Lace shaping, smocking, embroidery stitches. I have learned how to look for fine fabrics and had the opportunity to work with some wonderful silk organza. I have a list of new things I want to learn. Pattern drafting, ribbon embroidery and tambour beading. Always more to learn.

One embroidery stitch has always eluded my grasp. Bullion knots. I have tried to learn them many times and always failed. My knots looked like a tangled mess and never a beautiful rose. … Until today. I finally got it right. After years of trying and failing, persistence paid off. I learned how make those stubborn stitches. They aren’t as neat as I would like them yet but I can make them now. That is a huge accomplishment for me.

Life is like that too. There are things in life that seem so out of reach. A goal that is unobtainable. Yet, with tenacity, patience, hard work and persistence, anything is possible. Owning your own home. A stable relationship. That prized job.

Life for me is a tiny embroidered rose. Hard to master but worth every minute of my time.