“I don’t like punishing you.”
That is what my husband said to me a few days ago. I know. But does he know how much the hurt in his eyes hurts me? I hate the cold war games we play. I hate the shoulder drop he does when I have disappointed him. The look of “here we go again” when he tells me no and I get snippy.
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
This comes from a man who will flog and spank me back and blue for pleasure and not blink an eye.
“but this is different.”
How? Oh wait. You don’t leave marks for a punishment spanking. Marks are too rewarding for me. I wear them like a badge of honor. How different is punishment form pleasure anyway? I think it has more to do with why and his tone of voice than with how. Why won’t a long warm up work for punishment too? Knowing why my bottom is bare and why I am in that most vulnerable position is more than enough.
We talked a little about the difference between the two. A punishment does not have to be an all out beating. It doesn’t have to look like anything others have described. TTWD is what we make it between the two of us. There is no ultimate guide book to all of this. We apply what the Bible says to our lives and from there we are on our own figuring this out. What works for one couple does not work for us.
I think we made another baby step forward. Have to wait and see just how far that step carried us. While we figure out just how fare we have come, I’ll be very careful to follow the rules. I don’t want him to think I am bratting just to test him out. That first punishment spanking will be well and truly earned. For now I am “grounded” No spanking at all. My backside is too marked up from stress relief over the holiday weekend.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Corsets
I love to sew almost as much as I love my family. So today, as take a quiet break from over stimulated, loud kids, I’ll share 2 of the corsets I have made. The green lace one is mine. And yes. That is me in the picture. It wasn’t laced very good that day but you get the idea. After a few hours of wear, it laces closed.
I sold the blue silk corset last week. I am very happy to say that the lady who now owns that corset is very happy.
One more week left in this year. So much has happened this year. Even more change will come in the new year. I feel like I am an out of control roller coaster. Hold on. It is going to fly by even faster.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Getting it done
Why do I procrastinate so much? Why do I let this depression sink hole get so big? I don’t know what I would do without my Dragon to come to the rescue. Is it laziness? I don’t know the answer. He gave me a stress relief session yesterday. It was harder than I expected. I found it impossible to stay still as the paddle landed one stinging blow after another. What happened to a warm up? It was what I needed but my stress level was so high it didn’t last very long.
The house is a disaster and I try the blame game. It is her fault. She didn’t vacuum. He didn’t dust. What? Just who is the mom in this house? It is my job to make sure these things get done or to get up and do them myself. I know this. I wonder why my husband puts up with it all. He is a picture of patience and love but I can tell he gets tired of it. I can see it in his face when he comes home to a messy house. When he walks in and I am frustrated with the kids. When he discovers that I didn’t do what he asked. I spent yet another day doing exactly nothing.
It is a cycle I can’t seem to jump out of by my self. I can’t sleep at night out of guilt. Then during the day, I can’t stay awake. The house is dirty, my task for the day went undone, chores are half way done. More guilt. More anxiety. I have pulled out of this a few times in our marriage during a crisis but most of the time I am stuck in the unending, ever escalating cycle.
Can I do it today? Can I pull myself out of this long enough to get the main part of the house clean? Not the bedrooms. Just the living room, kitchen and the two bathrooms. I hope so. I don’t want to be punished for this. He shouldn’t have to and I won’t ask for it. The stress relief sessions are had enough to take. I DO NOT want him to decide he needs to take this in hand too. I am afraid it would be a lesson my backside would need to learn too many times.
The corset is made and delivered. Most of the money will go to pay the vet bill. Even though the project was finished with much encouragement from him, he wants me to have new boots. My reward for all the hard work I put into it. Even though everything else suffered my neglect. I get rewarded. Ok. Crying now. I am going to try to surprise him with a clean house. I am going to try. First step. Get dressed and out of this bed. Breakfast, coffee and then start with a clean kitchen. This is a guilt free zone today. I am going to do my very best to break out of this. I owe it to this man who loves me so very much.
The house is a disaster and I try the blame game. It is her fault. She didn’t vacuum. He didn’t dust. What? Just who is the mom in this house? It is my job to make sure these things get done or to get up and do them myself. I know this. I wonder why my husband puts up with it all. He is a picture of patience and love but I can tell he gets tired of it. I can see it in his face when he comes home to a messy house. When he walks in and I am frustrated with the kids. When he discovers that I didn’t do what he asked. I spent yet another day doing exactly nothing.
It is a cycle I can’t seem to jump out of by my self. I can’t sleep at night out of guilt. Then during the day, I can’t stay awake. The house is dirty, my task for the day went undone, chores are half way done. More guilt. More anxiety. I have pulled out of this a few times in our marriage during a crisis but most of the time I am stuck in the unending, ever escalating cycle.
Can I do it today? Can I pull myself out of this long enough to get the main part of the house clean? Not the bedrooms. Just the living room, kitchen and the two bathrooms. I hope so. I don’t want to be punished for this. He shouldn’t have to and I won’t ask for it. The stress relief sessions are had enough to take. I DO NOT want him to decide he needs to take this in hand too. I am afraid it would be a lesson my backside would need to learn too many times.
The corset is made and delivered. Most of the money will go to pay the vet bill. Even though the project was finished with much encouragement from him, he wants me to have new boots. My reward for all the hard work I put into it. Even though everything else suffered my neglect. I get rewarded. Ok. Crying now. I am going to try to surprise him with a clean house. I am going to try. First step. Get dressed and out of this bed. Breakfast, coffee and then start with a clean kitchen. This is a guilt free zone today. I am going to do my very best to break out of this. I owe it to this man who loves me so very much.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Ask Him
This is a crazy busy week. Getting ready for the big day! ! ! Finishing a project for a client, giving the house a good cleaning. the list goes on and on. My stress level hit a peak Friday night and dropped back down to a more normal high. Should I ask for what I know I need? It’s hard. I don’t like pain. Should I admit I need a good session with the paddle? I don’t know.
Another thing I am not sure I should ask about is where we are going with ttwd. He is very good at stress relief and taking care o a guilty conscience. But will he follow through with a punishment? I am afraid to ask. What is this? Afraid to ask the one person I trust most in this world? I think I am more afraid of the answer. He dreads a punishment as much as I do. I think he is putting it off as long as possible but it will come. A stress relief can get intense but has not brought me to tears.
The key word here it trust. I trust him. I trust him in all things. Even this.
On a better note. I have been working to rehabilitate my service dog.
A vindictive neighbor began the process of turning my sweet dane into a quivering, helpless, fearful dog. Then his trainer did a Jeckle/Hyde impression and fished the job. As a service dog, he needs to walk confidently at my side. When I need him the most he is all business but when he is on standby mode, he is a mess.
I am working with a new trainer to undo the damage that was done. It is taking a lot of time but it is worth it. I was just thinking this morning that what we are doing with the dog, is not so different than what my husband had to do with me. When we met I was afraid, didn’t know how to trust or accept being loved. I loved freely. Very giving but I had not idea how to be on the other side. I didn’t know how to react to being loved.
To undo the damage done to my dog, I am going to put him into increasingly stressful situations. Gradually re-socialize him to the world. That is what my husband had to do with me. He led me by the hand and first taught trust. That was the hardest lesson I have had to learn in life. When you trust people with your heart, you will be hurt eventually but denying yourself the luxury of trust is lonely. He led me one baby step at a time.
Just as I have to teach my dog to trust me again, my Dragon had to teach me how to trust him. He had to teach me how to be calm in the face of storm. That I would never EVER be alone again. He makes mistakes but he is always there for me. Most important of all, he is the first person in my life to ever say, “I’m sorry.” Those words are as important as, “I love you.” They are used freely in our house. They are words I rarely heard before I met my Dragon.
Day by day my dog is improving. He is getting better and so am I. As I walk with God on one side and my Dragon on the other, I can feel safe. I will never feel alone again.
Another thing I am not sure I should ask about is where we are going with ttwd. He is very good at stress relief and taking care o a guilty conscience. But will he follow through with a punishment? I am afraid to ask. What is this? Afraid to ask the one person I trust most in this world? I think I am more afraid of the answer. He dreads a punishment as much as I do. I think he is putting it off as long as possible but it will come. A stress relief can get intense but has not brought me to tears.
The key word here it trust. I trust him. I trust him in all things. Even this.
On a better note. I have been working to rehabilitate my service dog.
A vindictive neighbor began the process of turning my sweet dane into a quivering, helpless, fearful dog. Then his trainer did a Jeckle/Hyde impression and fished the job. As a service dog, he needs to walk confidently at my side. When I need him the most he is all business but when he is on standby mode, he is a mess.
I am working with a new trainer to undo the damage that was done. It is taking a lot of time but it is worth it. I was just thinking this morning that what we are doing with the dog, is not so different than what my husband had to do with me. When we met I was afraid, didn’t know how to trust or accept being loved. I loved freely. Very giving but I had not idea how to be on the other side. I didn’t know how to react to being loved.
To undo the damage done to my dog, I am going to put him into increasingly stressful situations. Gradually re-socialize him to the world. That is what my husband had to do with me. He led me by the hand and first taught trust. That was the hardest lesson I have had to learn in life. When you trust people with your heart, you will be hurt eventually but denying yourself the luxury of trust is lonely. He led me one baby step at a time.
Just as I have to teach my dog to trust me again, my Dragon had to teach me how to trust him. He had to teach me how to be calm in the face of storm. That I would never EVER be alone again. He makes mistakes but he is always there for me. Most important of all, he is the first person in my life to ever say, “I’m sorry.” Those words are as important as, “I love you.” They are used freely in our house. They are words I rarely heard before I met my Dragon.
Day by day my dog is improving. He is getting better and so am I. As I walk with God on one side and my Dragon on the other, I can feel safe. I will never feel alone again.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Progress
Rome was not built in a day and I can’t snap out of this depression in a day. Each day is getting a little better. Even as the days are getting shorter and the cold winter gets closer, I am pulling out of this. Not without help though. Instead of an assigned task, Dragon asks me what I want to get done for the day. At lunch, he calls to see how my day is going. It is working. Slowly, I moving toward a healthier routine.
I don’t know how I lucked out. So far I have messed up three times. Each time Dragon gave me a pardon. Just the threat was enough to change what displeased him and I think that is what he was looking at. He doesn’t expect perfection. We are both moving in a positive direction. He is taking a firmer hold on his duties as HOH. I am more considerate and more aware of his needs.
I don’t understand this need I have to be physically punished and disciplined. The act of spanking mends the rift between us when things aren’t right. It allows us to reconnect faster and without the awkwardness of trying. There is something intimate about being in his arms, relaxed, chastised and fee of guilt. I don’t like the pain. It takes all of my will power to be still and accept each swat. Still, the pain is worth the results. I am coming out of this depressive funk, I am more content day to day and I don’t feel angry or frustrated as often. Another side effect is the physical intimacy that is coming back into my marriage.
So many positives and still I don’t understand why it all works. I asked for it, so on some level I had to admit a need. Maybe one day I’ll figure ttwd out. For now, I’ll be happy to have a strong HOH that is willing to take me in hand.
( broke the cherry paddle this morning. It fell on the floor and got stepped on. Sad day. It had a sting but isn't as bad as the oak or plexi glass)
I don’t know how I lucked out. So far I have messed up three times. Each time Dragon gave me a pardon. Just the threat was enough to change what displeased him and I think that is what he was looking at. He doesn’t expect perfection. We are both moving in a positive direction. He is taking a firmer hold on his duties as HOH. I am more considerate and more aware of his needs.
I don’t understand this need I have to be physically punished and disciplined. The act of spanking mends the rift between us when things aren’t right. It allows us to reconnect faster and without the awkwardness of trying. There is something intimate about being in his arms, relaxed, chastised and fee of guilt. I don’t like the pain. It takes all of my will power to be still and accept each swat. Still, the pain is worth the results. I am coming out of this depressive funk, I am more content day to day and I don’t feel angry or frustrated as often. Another side effect is the physical intimacy that is coming back into my marriage.
So many positives and still I don’t understand why it all works. I asked for it, so on some level I had to admit a need. Maybe one day I’ll figure ttwd out. For now, I’ll be happy to have a strong HOH that is willing to take me in hand.
( broke the cherry paddle this morning. It fell on the floor and got stepped on. Sad day. It had a sting but isn't as bad as the oak or plexi glass)
Monday, December 13, 2010
A Ruby
I started this blog to have a place to record my journey. There are things that I don’t feel are appropriate for fetlife and some things that cannot be posted on the CDD group. Some subjects are taboo. Ok. I understand that. But they are still a part of who I am. I will not discuss how I discipline my children. That has no place on this blog at all. This is about my journey. Not theirs.
A lady on the CDD yahoo group send me an e-book. There is a chapter on ritual. The word ritual sounds a little silly to me so I had to use a substitution. Routine, protocol. Either word works for me. Those are things that are already a part of our daily lives. The blog is a place for me to work these issues out. To help me find my place in this thing we do. Corner time is something else I can’t get my head around. Thankfully, my Dragon can’t bring himself to use it either.
Sometimes writing about things and seeing what others have to say helps. I find it encouraging when other women share my struggles. I don’t feel so alone. I don’t know anyone in RL that uses CDD. Not in the Fet community or church. It can be lonely as I struggle with what all of this really means. It helps to see how others have dealt with the issues that come up. Maybe one day I’ll meet someone and have a RL friends who shares this journey with me. Until then blog land will have do.
I know I’m an odd duck. A very conservative Christian, yet I love some aspects of BDSM. I don’t participate in immoral behavior. There are people I distance myself from because they are bad for my spiritual health. But I also find opportunities to witness to others in the community. People get frustrated with churches cherry picking the bible. I admit I do to. Oh this applies but this doesn’t. I witness to them using the ministry of Jesus. Forgiveness and love. I don’t know how many people I have reached but I have planted many seeds. Keep in mind Jesus ministered to the tax collector and prostitute. I learn what I can about playing safely and I spread the seeds of faith along the road.
A ruby is a multi faceted jewel. It is a precious stone that is used to represent the wife and daughter. I think it is very appropriate. Valuable with many sides You can look at the stone in its setting and think you know every single facet. A jeweler removes it form the gold holding it in place and suddenly you see so much more you didn’t know was there. That is a perfect illustration on the human heart. Multifaceted with most people never seeing the true complexity of the jewel.
Ps. I took me a long time to come to terms with all the facets of my own heart. I couldn’t see how the facets of the jewel all fit together. I felt shattered. When I read the ministry of Jesus for myself, without the commentary of church ladies, I began to see where I belong. My ministry is teaching love and forgiveness. Others can have their fence law. I’ll stick to the word and works of God.
A lady on the CDD yahoo group send me an e-book. There is a chapter on ritual. The word ritual sounds a little silly to me so I had to use a substitution. Routine, protocol. Either word works for me. Those are things that are already a part of our daily lives. The blog is a place for me to work these issues out. To help me find my place in this thing we do. Corner time is something else I can’t get my head around. Thankfully, my Dragon can’t bring himself to use it either.
Sometimes writing about things and seeing what others have to say helps. I find it encouraging when other women share my struggles. I don’t feel so alone. I don’t know anyone in RL that uses CDD. Not in the Fet community or church. It can be lonely as I struggle with what all of this really means. It helps to see how others have dealt with the issues that come up. Maybe one day I’ll meet someone and have a RL friends who shares this journey with me. Until then blog land will have do.
I know I’m an odd duck. A very conservative Christian, yet I love some aspects of BDSM. I don’t participate in immoral behavior. There are people I distance myself from because they are bad for my spiritual health. But I also find opportunities to witness to others in the community. People get frustrated with churches cherry picking the bible. I admit I do to. Oh this applies but this doesn’t. I witness to them using the ministry of Jesus. Forgiveness and love. I don’t know how many people I have reached but I have planted many seeds. Keep in mind Jesus ministered to the tax collector and prostitute. I learn what I can about playing safely and I spread the seeds of faith along the road.
A ruby is a multi faceted jewel. It is a precious stone that is used to represent the wife and daughter. I think it is very appropriate. Valuable with many sides You can look at the stone in its setting and think you know every single facet. A jeweler removes it form the gold holding it in place and suddenly you see so much more you didn’t know was there. That is a perfect illustration on the human heart. Multifaceted with most people never seeing the true complexity of the jewel.
Ps. I took me a long time to come to terms with all the facets of my own heart. I couldn’t see how the facets of the jewel all fit together. I felt shattered. When I read the ministry of Jesus for myself, without the commentary of church ladies, I began to see where I belong. My ministry is teaching love and forgiveness. Others can have their fence law. I’ll stick to the word and works of God.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Keeping it Real (warning CDD and BDSM content)
I have tried several times to write about how BDSM fits into my life. It has proven too hard. For us it is truly a life style. We live it 24/7. In a way, it defines our relationship. We were D/s long before we accepted the label. I can’t even tell you when it started. Gradually over time we have incorporated it into our lives. It brings us closer together. It builds trust, confidence and self esteem all at the same time. I wish I could say that CDD fits into our lives the same way but it doesn’t. Not yet. It is part of the natural progression of our relationship but we are just beginning to figure it out.
I have read how others outside of BDSM view it and I was shocked. They had it all wrong. It isn’t all play pretend. I don’t play at being submissive to my husband. The protocol is very real. I stand just in front of him with my hands folded behind my back. We both expect the other to behave within this framework.
When one of us steps out of it, it is questioned. It is so easy for both of us that most people don’t even see it. Some have questioned whether we are D/s or not. It blends that smoothly into every day life.
Another question I have came across is how an erotic spanking differs from punishment. Is night different from day? How do you feel when your boss tells you about your new promotion and raise? Fantastic! Great! How do you feel when your boss tells you that you are fired? Your heart sinks to your feet. That is just how different they are. Yes, it is possible for me to enjoy erotic impact play and for punishment to be just that. Punishment.
An erotic spanking or flogging starts out very slow and easy. Soft little paddy pats. The force builds slower than slow over time. At first I am purring under the gentile impact. As the force builds, it becomes hard to take but the reward will come. Muscles tense. Force continues to increase. My body starts to shake. A small squeak escapes my mouth at every blow. I am in heaven. It feels like a rain of leather across my back. When I have reached the point of surrender, lotion is smoothed across the raw burning skin. He holds me until I begin to float back up to reality. No play pretend here. The marks across my back are very real and so is the bond forged between me and my husband.
“I am disappointed, you forgot.” My heart stops beating as I absorb what Dragon just said.
When I hear those words, I know I forgot something important. At the first opportunity for privacy the consequences are handed down. He explains in detail what went wrong and why I am being punished for it. Panties are pushed down to expose the target. He places me in his position of choice. Very little warm up. The paddle falls hard on my backside without his caress to ease the sting. I cannot stay still. The only thing on my mind is to avoid that hateful paddle. Tears sting my eyes. I know by the sting, how much I hurt him. Slowly I surrender. Acceptance. At last it is over. He holds me in his arms and tells me how much he loves me. After I have had time to recover, I am expected to continue with my day as if nothing happened.
What is the difference between pleasure and shame? Do you really need to ask?
I have read how others outside of BDSM view it and I was shocked. They had it all wrong. It isn’t all play pretend. I don’t play at being submissive to my husband. The protocol is very real. I stand just in front of him with my hands folded behind my back. We both expect the other to behave within this framework.
When one of us steps out of it, it is questioned. It is so easy for both of us that most people don’t even see it. Some have questioned whether we are D/s or not. It blends that smoothly into every day life.
Another question I have came across is how an erotic spanking differs from punishment. Is night different from day? How do you feel when your boss tells you about your new promotion and raise? Fantastic! Great! How do you feel when your boss tells you that you are fired? Your heart sinks to your feet. That is just how different they are. Yes, it is possible for me to enjoy erotic impact play and for punishment to be just that. Punishment.
An erotic spanking or flogging starts out very slow and easy. Soft little paddy pats. The force builds slower than slow over time. At first I am purring under the gentile impact. As the force builds, it becomes hard to take but the reward will come. Muscles tense. Force continues to increase. My body starts to shake. A small squeak escapes my mouth at every blow. I am in heaven. It feels like a rain of leather across my back. When I have reached the point of surrender, lotion is smoothed across the raw burning skin. He holds me until I begin to float back up to reality. No play pretend here. The marks across my back are very real and so is the bond forged between me and my husband.
“I am disappointed, you forgot.” My heart stops beating as I absorb what Dragon just said.
When I hear those words, I know I forgot something important. At the first opportunity for privacy the consequences are handed down. He explains in detail what went wrong and why I am being punished for it. Panties are pushed down to expose the target. He places me in his position of choice. Very little warm up. The paddle falls hard on my backside without his caress to ease the sting. I cannot stay still. The only thing on my mind is to avoid that hateful paddle. Tears sting my eyes. I know by the sting, how much I hurt him. Slowly I surrender. Acceptance. At last it is over. He holds me in his arms and tells me how much he loves me. After I have had time to recover, I am expected to continue with my day as if nothing happened.
What is the difference between pleasure and shame? Do you really need to ask?
Of Note: Now that a few months have passed, I see that D/s, BSDM and DD are simply labels. Simple labels on something much more complicated. Are we D/s? DD? or simply a loving husband and wife making the best of a messed up world. People judge the label not the person. It isn't even a persons place to make that judgement. That duty belongs to God. for the bible beaters out there who want to judge me by a lable refer to the bible. Matthew 7:1, yes. I know what it says. Do you?
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