Shhhhh it's a dirty little secret

Shhhhh
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We aren't supposed to talk about it
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It's a secret.
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It's embarrassing.
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But it's happening to me now!

What is?

Stress incontinence.

It was a small problem and has been for years.  A few drops with a sneeze, laugh or cough.

But now it is a big problem.

My daughter came to visit.  Our granddaughter was celebrating her first birthday and she wanted to share it with us.  A huge honor.  But my daughter started getting sick somewhere around the state line.  I was the first to get sick after she arrived.  This was the kind of tummy bug that you don't trust a fart.  You sit on the throne with the garbage can between your knees.

Thanks child of mine.  That's just how I wanted to celebrate!

No.  Not really...

After I finally recovered from the bug it didn't take long to discover that the stress incontinence was now a major problem.  Panty liners weren't enough.  A single sneeze ment a change of clothes.  If that wasn't enough I somehow ended up with pneumonia.

Fun times.

Cough, pee, cough, pee.

I was constantly changing clothes.

I did what I do and figured out what I needed. #3 poise pads and the Impressa sizing kit.  The poise web page and you tube were my main resources.  Quick fix.  That's what I needed.

With my head down and in a small voice, I told Dragon what was wrong and what I needed.

He headed right out to the store and got what I needed!  He understands!  He knows why I feel shame even if I shouldn't.

Now more than a month later my control is much better but still not as good as it was.  I am just one step up from a liner.  Poise #2 pads are basically liners.  Just a little longer and wider.  Very thin.  And I love the impressa.  I have more confidence now in public.  I don't have to limit liquids or avoid laughing.

The tummy bug was kind of a blessing.  I am talking about it with Dragon.  I'm not ashamed of something I can't control and I'm taking steps to fix it.

No, surgery is not an option for me.  I have seen it go very wrong. And after my misadventures with an IUD, Dragon won't pressure me to do it.  I have non surgical options now.  What a relief!  I can live in comfort with confidence!

Ps. Impressa is sold by Poise.  It is similar to a pessary device but is sold over the counter.  It was developed to treat stress incontinence.  The device comes in three sizes and poise sells a kit to help you find your size.  After 8 pregnancies and 4 births, I am a size 1.  The smallest one.

I was using them every day but now that my control is improving, I am using the device just when I leave the house.  Shopping, the gym, going for a walk.  Yes, it helps that much.  My only regret is that I didn't discover it sooner!

Don't let incontinence be a taboo subject.  It is a very real problem for so many women.  Talk about it and share solutions.

Crime and Punishment

Our rules are simple and cover EVERYTHING!  But that's why they are so common in DD relationships.  The 4 Ds of discipline.

Dishonesty- don't lie, not even by omission
Disrespect- be respectful and not just to him
Dangerous- seatbelt!!!!
Disobedience-  so much falls under this rule

Dragon hates punishing me but he also believes that the punishment should fit the crime.

Dishonesty-    usually I lie about food.  I go anna and start skipping meals.  Not a big deal until I make myself sick.  For a few weeks I get reminder swats in the morning.  That is enough to make me eat.  I really don't like punishment spankings.

Seatbelt use.  It is really just me being forgetful but he calls it disrespect, dangerous and disobedience.  He lets it slide sometimes but if he has to remind me to often that spanking isn't fun.  I feel the effects for a week and don't forget my seatbelt for a long time.

Swearing falls under disrespect and disobedience.  Add in dishonesty too because I tend to deny the crime.  I'm very happy he isn't into mouth soaping.  Figging and the paddles come out for this one.
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Sometimes he will surprise me with a punishment.  It violates one of the 4 basic rules but I just didn't think about it.  He usually just gives me a warning but sometimes he wants to get to the seat of the problem.

If I confess something but he doesn't consider it anything major Dragon will ask if I need a spanking for it. If I say yes he will ask what kind.  It doesn't really matter what I say though. He gives me what I need.  Anything from a gentle reminder to a barn burner.  He decides.

My Dragon is always fair.  Sometimes I disagree with a punishment but after the spanking I change my mind and apologize. He is starting to get more creative with consequences.  Corner time is now an option. Clothing restrictions and silent punishment.  Not pleasant, I can tell you!

It is what it is.  I am Taken in Hand by my Head of Household.  The way we do it doesn't have to even resemble what anyone else is doing.  It is about relationship and what works for the couple involved. It took me a while to figure that out.

Rope

Tonight's adventure was jute rope, hand twisted by my Dragon.  I don't know how he does it but it was soft with just a little bite.

We had planned to experiment with his belt but real pain stopped impact before it started.  Oh well.  It has been forever since we played with the ropes.  Dragon knows me.  I play hard but we have to ease back into it.  He tied my legs together nice and tight.  After he showed me how to untie the knot it was time to watch a movie.

He loves watching me squirm. Flex, point, flex point, bend knees, flex point.  Wiggle, squirm, sigh.  That little bit of bondage put me straight into sub space.  I had the silk rope in my hands. Not tied.  Just a fidget tool.

I made it. As the ending credits rolled I untied the ropes around my legs.  Sweet relief.  Next time he adds my hands. Yikes.

Getting Back into the Swing of Things

We had a few false starts and some missteps but we are finally back.  We are beginning to play again and bringing domestic discipline back into the mix.    Baby steps.  You would think that we are a new couple just beginning to explore.

The floggers came out first.  A rain of leather across my back.  Very gentle the first few times.  Now the paddles are coming back.  Even the hated plexiglass. I took about 10 stiff swats last night.  Several of them to the most sensitive sweet spot. I know.  It wasn't very many but I managed to stay in place without restraints!  Progress

Dragon says that punishment will come back when he is sure I am ready.  None of the rules have changed but I still want to review them before my backside pays the price for a memory lapse.  He has added more possibilities too.  Corner time, kneeling, clothing restrictions and a few more than aren't coming to mind right now. He says that the punishment should fit the crime.  Now that has me worried but not to much.  Dragon is never abusive and watches me very close during any type of punishment to make sure I am handling it okay.

For now discipline is a hard look, firm words and a hand on my backside.  He wants me to remember that my actions have consequences.  One day soon he is going to decide it is time to reintroduce punishment spanking.  Honestly, I'm not looking forward to it but I know it's time.  If he decides to punish me tonight I'll bend over the bench and take what I deserve.  It has been a long time in coming.

 I'm tempted to confess my poor eating habits and ask for one just to get that first session over with.  It has been over 4 years since I had a good punishment.  A few minor sessions, yes but the last paddling that left me in a puddle was that long ago!  Next time he asks if I need a punishment, the answer will be yes.  I think we both need it.

More latter.  I need to get to work.  I am behind on everything!

I'm Back!

Life?  Crazy insane!  My granddaughter turned one.  Kids growing up faster than I can keep up.  PTSD crisis.  Car trouble.  Major pay cut.  And a family emergency in another state.  Blag.

One day at a time.

We are finally getting back into the swing of things.  Blogger, flogger, paddles and all the things that make me go yum.

More latter.  I am still dealing with very bad headaches and right now my head is pounding.  More latter.  I promise.  And this time I'll share email address as soon as I figure out how to change it on blogger.

I'm sorry for disappearing for so long.

Dogs

Several months ago Dragon started giving me a few swats with the belt every morning.  Not hard enough to hurt. Just a few to start the day off right.

After his breakfast and before he put on his belt.  He lifted the hem of my gown and a swung the belt gently.  No pain.

By my mighty K9 protector decided that those swats were a bad thing.  My mighty guard dog wouldn't let Dragon close to me.  Soon I had two dogs standing guard every morning.

They are happy now.  No more morning swats but I sure do miss them.

Choices

Every day is full of choices.  One of the hardest choices I ever made was to be a stay at home mom.  Yes, a house wife.  It wasn't easy.  To go from full time college student, three jobs and a family, it was a huge change but it is one that I will never regret.

26 years ago I was determined to stand on my own two feet.  No one was going to stand in my way.  No one was going to tell me I wasn't smart enough or good enough.  I faced challenges head on and beat them into the ground!  When one job wasn't enough, I got two more!  I had enough attitude for three people.

Three years later I was a mother and married to my Dragon.  I only had one job but worked long hours.  70 hours a week was normal.  Someone else heard my daughter's first word and it wasn't mommy. Someone else helped her take her first step.  That was hard enough.  One day I was nearly two hours away from home doing my job.  Taking care of someone else's child and my child was sick.

I was done.

It wasn't a decision I made alone.  Dragon told me that it was an option.  Stay home and watch our children grow up.  Be there for them.  Take care of them. Educate them.

Our choice.  It was hard.  We have made sacrifices but it has absolutely been worth it.

Labor day weekend we went to a party.  Another couple decided that I should have a job.  How they knew I am a home maker, I have no idea.  My guess would be vindictive gossip.  First he suggested that I get a job where Dragon works.  They are short handed after all.  The criticism didn't stop there.

The party took an awful turn and never recovered.  Not for me anyway.

These strangers judged me.  They don't know who I am. they don't know why we made the decision we did.  They don't know anything other than nasty, spiteful gossip spread by someone who should know better.

Yes. A boat would be nice and two new cars.  A big house in the best neighborhood and designer clothes.  But I don't need those things.  Even without me working, we could have more material things. But the kids wouldn't have music lessons or play in $$$ sports.  I could stop buying food for the food pantry and never give another church doll away.

I rather live a generous life.  One of giving.  One with fewer regrets.


I know who the gossip is.  I was shocked at how low he stooped this time. (His high school friend was the one giving me a hard time about not working) I have decided to forgive him.  Again. I have decided to let go of my own bitterness and pray for him.  His gossip hurt but other things he did that day nearly put me in the ER.  I am going to pray that he finds a better way to express how he is feeling without hurting others.

A lesson for all of us.  Spite doesn't hurt just one person.  It hurts everyone it touches.  (His wife, my kids, my husband and niece)

Lesson number two.  Forgiveness is healing.  Holding on to the anger gives him power over me that he doesn't deserve.  Forgiveness lets the joy back into my life.

Revenge won't solve the problem.  Only kindness will. The problem may never go away.  I can't change someone else but I don't have to let it change me.

Thank you Dragon for giving me the confidence to stand up to these idiots. Thank you for showing me that I am worth more than that.  Thank you for drying my tears tonight while I worked my way through the emotional mess I have been since the party.  And thank you for loving me just as much as I love you.