Is the day of mandatory love. A day every man is expected to get his sweetheart a present. And HE better not forget! It better be something sweet, preferably chocolate and romantic, candle light dinner for two?
We don't DO Valentines day at all. Not in my house. The only reason it is recognized at all is because Dragon proposed to me on this day years ago. It is a date neither one of us would forget. The little things we do for each other every other day of the year means so much more.
What things you ask?
A love not in his lunch box.
A letter left under my pillow.
A bubble bath
Flowers
chocolates just because.
Noting special about these days. No mandatory gift giving or push to find something romantic. Just a small token of affection that says, "I love you." That means so much more than just one day a year.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Saturday, February 9, 2013
How does Dragon deal with my stress?
Oops... Almost forgot a kink warning....
A scene.
It didn't last long but it was....
MIND BLOWING
Thursday night I was a mess.
The decisions was made to say good bye to my best puppy buddy. I was shaking and very close to tears. Sitting bolt upright under the covers trying unsuccessfully to relax. Dragon was sitting on his side of the bed about to lay down. He walked around the bed and slipped into be bed behind me. He pulled me back against his chest and rubbed my shoulders until the knots began to loosen just a little.
I sat up a little and he rubbed my back. After a few minutes he leaned up and whispered in my ear. "Be very still."
I heard his knife snick open. (Understand, Dragon keeps his knives VERY sharp) He pulled the tip slowly across my skin. Just hard enough to leave a faint line of blood. A very minor scratch. Over and over again the pulled the knife across my back. Sometimes hard enough to barley break the skin, others just enough to make me gasp.
His arm wrapped around my neck. My head tilted back as he put just a little pressure on my neck. Then he reached across the bed and got his belt. He draped it around my shoulders and across the front of my neck. It felt delicious. Just enough pressure to feel a sliver of panic. I felt my mind slipping into sub space.
Even with as sad and worried as I was, I still hit subspace.
Friday morning we started the day with lovemaking and ended the day with another scene. The second scene didn't help me sleep. I spent most of the night crying. I miss my puppy so much. But with Dragon around, I know I'll be ok. Love my Man! ! !
A scene.
It didn't last long but it was....
MIND BLOWING
Thursday night I was a mess.
The decisions was made to say good bye to my best puppy buddy. I was shaking and very close to tears. Sitting bolt upright under the covers trying unsuccessfully to relax. Dragon was sitting on his side of the bed about to lay down. He walked around the bed and slipped into be bed behind me. He pulled me back against his chest and rubbed my shoulders until the knots began to loosen just a little.
I sat up a little and he rubbed my back. After a few minutes he leaned up and whispered in my ear. "Be very still."
I heard his knife snick open. (Understand, Dragon keeps his knives VERY sharp) He pulled the tip slowly across my skin. Just hard enough to leave a faint line of blood. A very minor scratch. Over and over again the pulled the knife across my back. Sometimes hard enough to barley break the skin, others just enough to make me gasp.
His arm wrapped around my neck. My head tilted back as he put just a little pressure on my neck. Then he reached across the bed and got his belt. He draped it around my shoulders and across the front of my neck. It felt delicious. Just enough pressure to feel a sliver of panic. I felt my mind slipping into sub space.
Even with as sad and worried as I was, I still hit subspace.
Friday morning we started the day with lovemaking and ended the day with another scene. The second scene didn't help me sleep. I spent most of the night crying. I miss my puppy so much. But with Dragon around, I know I'll be ok. Love my Man! ! !
Friday, February 8, 2013
saying good bye
On top of the wonderful week we have had, my dane took a turn for the worse. He was limping and only got up to go outside when I insisted. Even as bad as he felt he was still trying to be my service dog. I sat on the floor to be close to him. He got upset. He stood up and insisted that he help me up. I put my hand on his back and put just a little weight on his. He thought he helped me one last time.
On the way to the vet he looked so happy. Car rides are his favorite thing in the world. He had the back seat to himself. He loved it. I think he must have used up all of his energy being excited about the ride. The vet came out to our car so my puppy didn't have to be scared going in. My puppy didn't even struggle.
It is done.
Now I can't stop crying. So much for being strong for Dragon and the kids.
Ps. no boxes got unpacked today.
On the way to the vet he looked so happy. Car rides are his favorite thing in the world. He had the back seat to himself. He loved it. I think he must have used up all of his energy being excited about the ride. The vet came out to our car so my puppy didn't have to be scared going in. My puppy didn't even struggle.
It is done.
Now I can't stop crying. So much for being strong for Dragon and the kids.
Ps. no boxes got unpacked today.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Pollyanna
Last night I tried to get things going. Unfortunately, neither one of us was really in the mood for love making. Dragon went on line and tried to get his resume updated. The web page did not cooperate. We are working on transferring some certifications so he qualifies for more jobs. That should help our prospects greatly.
Yesterday, when he came home from work, I had my game face on. The one that really looks scared but if you don't look too close, it could look happy. We cooked supper together and retreated to the bed room. Dragon couldn't handle the chaos that follows 4 teenagers. I think they make noise just to be heard. They compete to see who can out shout the other.
This morning I am determined to put on my big girl panties and be a total Pollyanna. My stomach is rebelling at my small breakfast and single cup of coffee but that isn't going to slow me down. I have work to do. I know that another move is almost inevitable. If you want work, you have to be willing to be mobile.
So..... I am going to start getting this house ready for a move.
I wasn't prepared for our last move at all. Yes, I should have been but fear had me paralyzed. I manged our regular routine but nothing other than that. This time is going to be different. I have a garage full of unorganized boxes. Right now Dragon is working too many hours to help sort them. It is up to me. One box at a time. I am going to start with the boxes of books I haven't even had open in four years. Home school text books, Sunday school curriculum and a large collection of paper backs.
Most of them are going to a local thrift store. We have found two we want to donate too. They both support worthy causes. One supports a soup kitchen and the other an animal rescue.
His tools that are thrown into boxes with no organization, I am going to sort into our camp tables. Have it all out where he can see everything and get rid of what he doesn't want. Then I'll pack everything back into boxes and get it ready to move..... again.....
This move won't be hired out to the lowest bidder like the military moves were. This time it will all be us. The pickup truck and a U-haul.
God has something better for us. I can't believe that he would bring us all this way just to dump us on the streets without any means of support. Just because I can't see his plan, doesn't mean that he doesn't have one.
Time to put my big girl panties on and start my day. See my happy smile? Pay no attention to the snarl. Please see only the smile. If I pretend hard enough, it will become a real smile. Putting on my very best Pollyanna attitude!
One step at a time. Breath....
Yesterday, when he came home from work, I had my game face on. The one that really looks scared but if you don't look too close, it could look happy. We cooked supper together and retreated to the bed room. Dragon couldn't handle the chaos that follows 4 teenagers. I think they make noise just to be heard. They compete to see who can out shout the other.
This morning I am determined to put on my big girl panties and be a total Pollyanna. My stomach is rebelling at my small breakfast and single cup of coffee but that isn't going to slow me down. I have work to do. I know that another move is almost inevitable. If you want work, you have to be willing to be mobile.
So..... I am going to start getting this house ready for a move.
I wasn't prepared for our last move at all. Yes, I should have been but fear had me paralyzed. I manged our regular routine but nothing other than that. This time is going to be different. I have a garage full of unorganized boxes. Right now Dragon is working too many hours to help sort them. It is up to me. One box at a time. I am going to start with the boxes of books I haven't even had open in four years. Home school text books, Sunday school curriculum and a large collection of paper backs.
Most of them are going to a local thrift store. We have found two we want to donate too. They both support worthy causes. One supports a soup kitchen and the other an animal rescue.
His tools that are thrown into boxes with no organization, I am going to sort into our camp tables. Have it all out where he can see everything and get rid of what he doesn't want. Then I'll pack everything back into boxes and get it ready to move..... again.....
This move won't be hired out to the lowest bidder like the military moves were. This time it will all be us. The pickup truck and a U-haul.
God has something better for us. I can't believe that he would bring us all this way just to dump us on the streets without any means of support. Just because I can't see his plan, doesn't mean that he doesn't have one.
Time to put my big girl panties on and start my day. See my happy smile? Pay no attention to the snarl. Please see only the smile. If I pretend hard enough, it will become a real smile. Putting on my very best Pollyanna attitude!
One step at a time. Breath....
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Job hunting
Dragon has to start job hunting AGAIN
We sold the house up north. Wow now we can get back on our feet! Right?
Not so fast.
Umm that bill you were paying every month? Well it didn't get paid and we are going to repo your camper.
problem resolved. We still don't know who was at fault for that or why it took them so long to notify us that there was a problem. But problem resolved. Oh and we get to keep our camper! It shouldn't ding our credit either. Banks fault maybe?
That was Monday.
Fast forward to today....
I got a call around noon.
"Um honey, I need to start looking for a new job. I don't think this one is going to last much longer."
Lay offs.
Just what we need.
I guess this is how the civilian world works. Sometimes I sure do miss the military.
I am so afraid that i can't breath.
Now lets talk PTSD and what a huge trigger this is going to be for Dragon. I had to talk him down from a panic attack when he called. I have to be strong for him. I thought we were done with crazy crap when he retired. If this is how the rest of society lives, I want my old military life back.
We sold the house up north. Wow now we can get back on our feet! Right?
Not so fast.
Umm that bill you were paying every month? Well it didn't get paid and we are going to repo your camper.
problem resolved. We still don't know who was at fault for that or why it took them so long to notify us that there was a problem. But problem resolved. Oh and we get to keep our camper! It shouldn't ding our credit either. Banks fault maybe?
That was Monday.
Fast forward to today....
I got a call around noon.
"Um honey, I need to start looking for a new job. I don't think this one is going to last much longer."
Lay offs.
Just what we need.
I guess this is how the civilian world works. Sometimes I sure do miss the military.
I am so afraid that i can't breath.
Now lets talk PTSD and what a huge trigger this is going to be for Dragon. I had to talk him down from a panic attack when he called. I have to be strong for him. I thought we were done with crazy crap when he retired. If this is how the rest of society lives, I want my old military life back.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Money again
I opened one of those letters from the bank that makes your heart stop. It sure made mine stop for just a second.
WOW!
What a change....
Did something positive just happen?
Why, yes it did.
What looked to be very bad money news and I kept my cool.
"Hmmm, what is this? Oh, I guess I will just ask about this latter and call the bank when they open in the morning."
No panic attack.
No temper tantrums.
wow
Is Dragon rubbing off on me?
I think he is. This is a good thing.
Yes, the letter was bad but everything is fixed now. Money was not going where it was supposed to go. Ooops and now it is fixed.
I can breath.
WOW!
What a change....
Did something positive just happen?
Why, yes it did.
What looked to be very bad money news and I kept my cool.
"Hmmm, what is this? Oh, I guess I will just ask about this latter and call the bank when they open in the morning."
No panic attack.
No temper tantrums.
wow
Is Dragon rubbing off on me?
I think he is. This is a good thing.
Yes, the letter was bad but everything is fixed now. Money was not going where it was supposed to go. Ooops and now it is fixed.
I can breath.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Lasting Sting
It was early. The wasn't up yet but I was. The coffee was brewing and Dragon had finished his breakfast. He had a few minutes before he had to leave for work. Not long.
Just enough time to show his wife how much loves her. The hall way never seemed so long. His hand rested firmly on my back. Guiding me, as always. In the bedroom he placed my hands on the cedar chest at the foot of the bed and retrieved the paddle from its hiding place. He lifted he hem of my night shirt and showed me just how much he loves me.
The paddle fell softly at first. Leaving behind only a small sting. Not pleasant but there. The tempo increased slightly. Then he wrapped his arm around me, holding me firmly in place. The paddling continued at the same pace. Then he asked me if I was ready.
Crap
Holding me still.
Asking if I am ready?
Are you kidding? I know what is coming when he does that.
Memory swats.
I guess I should be happy it wasn't a punishment. I did earn one last night. (that is a story for another time) It was simply a reconnection. Starting the day off right.
Latter in the day, after a session with the step and a hot shower I felt the sting. After a workout and shower, I like to sit back and relax for a few minutes. My backside started stinging. WOW. It felt like he had just given me the swats. OWCH.
Who needs a good memory when Dragon has his paddle? He made sure I didn't have to work very hard to remember those swats. He left a lasting impression on my backside.
Just enough time to show his wife how much loves her. The hall way never seemed so long. His hand rested firmly on my back. Guiding me, as always. In the bedroom he placed my hands on the cedar chest at the foot of the bed and retrieved the paddle from its hiding place. He lifted he hem of my night shirt and showed me just how much he loves me.
The paddle fell softly at first. Leaving behind only a small sting. Not pleasant but there. The tempo increased slightly. Then he wrapped his arm around me, holding me firmly in place. The paddling continued at the same pace. Then he asked me if I was ready.
Crap
Holding me still.
Asking if I am ready?
Are you kidding? I know what is coming when he does that.
Memory swats.
I guess I should be happy it wasn't a punishment. I did earn one last night. (that is a story for another time) It was simply a reconnection. Starting the day off right.
Latter in the day, after a session with the step and a hot shower I felt the sting. After a workout and shower, I like to sit back and relax for a few minutes. My backside started stinging. WOW. It felt like he had just given me the swats. OWCH.
Who needs a good memory when Dragon has his paddle? He made sure I didn't have to work very hard to remember those swats. He left a lasting impression on my backside.
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