Early Morning Swats

I have been sick for over a week and I am just beginning to feel better. Last night I felt so bad that I didn’t even bother getting ready for bed. I just kicked off my shoes and covered up. Dragon tried to make me undress but I told him I was too cold. At 2 am, I woke up dressed in yesterday’s clothes and hungry for the first time a week. I fixed a small snack and got a glass of water before I crawled back under the warm covers. (dressed for bed this time)
　
When the alarm went off I had to kick Dragon out of bed. The first half of the week is always hardest on him. I have no idea what time he left for work. He put on his coat and walked out the door but then he turned around and came right back in????
　
What is going on?
　
He walked over to my side of the bed and picked up a paddle. Oh no. I knew what was coming.
　
The words I didn‘t want to hear, “Roll over”
　
He played a fast beat on my backside. (the hazard of being married to a drummer) I could even pick out the beat this morning. Very distinctive. Wish I knew what song he was drumming out. It wasn’t a hard spanking. Just enough to let me know I had been spanked.
　
With a hug and a kiss he was off to work again. No reason given. It wasn’t a punishment. Just a little reminder that he is still in charge. That I am still his wife, taken in hand.
　
Love my man.
　
　
Breakfast this morning did not make my tummy hurt. I count myself lucky. Why? Now my kids are sick. Amber is in bed, Flower is on the couch, Bear is complaining in the kitchen and Bug is doing what he does best. Bugging everybody to death. I may just go for a walk to get away from all the moaning. Take a little time for myself and enjoy the crisp fall air.

From The Dragon

Ana you are a lying witch that just needs to leave! I don’t know who you think you are, but I am stronger.  She may not be, but I am by her side! We will fight you and we will win!  Here is how we are going to do it. 

One you are going to attack, not once, not twice, but repeatedly; I realize this and accept it you are a witch.  You are going to lie to my love and tell her that she is fat, I am going to tell her the truth an let her know she is beautiful every chance I get. 

You are going to make my love look at large women that don’t take care of themselves and think that is what she looks like.  I am going to point out the women that are beautiful and take care of themselves like my love does. 

You are going to tell my love that skinny is beautiful; well well skinny is all over the enquirer, need I say anything else. 

You are going to tell my love to hide what she is not eating, food doesn’t just disappear…I am smarter than that.  Dogs do gain weight too, men do occasionally take out the garbage (believe it or not), and when the garbage disposal clogs who fixes it?

OK, now you are going to make here feel bad because she can’t make you leave.  She did not invite you, you got in her head somehow and are hiding in there.  You are hiding so she cant see you.  I cannot either, but you give me plenty of clues.  I will not give you the clues, because you will make her hid them (men if you are reading this and want to know, just watch your wife for one month and you will see it). 

I love my wife, I am not always as quick as I should be about realizing when Ana Strikes again, but I will and we will defeat you again when you do.  We will defeat you with love and kindness.

Sincerely,

Dragon

Wish in One Hand

Spit in the other...  or get a sore backside...
　
Sewing with the serger always takes all day. The thing has me in tears every time I try to use it. It is an older Kenmore. Translate that to a cheaply made badged machine. T ears with a badged machine are to be expected.

Breath……

After the third broken needed of the day my frustrations were beginning to turn violent. I just wanted to hit SOMETHING! ! ! Anything……. That thing just won’t work right for me.
　
WHINE….. I want a Babylock.
　
What is a Babylock you ask? A very expensive machine, is what it is. $3000 for a very specialized machine that I probably won’t use every day. But very, VERY nice. The lower looper is threaded with a soft puff of air. No headache. No whine. Just poof and it is threaded. The upper looper is super simple. This thing is so different that they give you a class on the thing before you leave the store with it.

Want…..

　
Want….Whine….Pout…. HITSOMETHING…..
　
What was that? Hit something? Oops. Dragon is home today. My urge to hit something meant that my stress relief session happened a little sooner than I thought it would. Stress relief when I am in a temper is never very much fun.
　
Calm. Cool. Collected and a bit sore in the sit-upon-part, I am ready to go back to my sewing room and finish this little dress….. On the bernina, which works like a dream. The serger will wait for another day.
　

food issues

Some of you probably already know but here it goes anyway. I have issues with food. Most people live to eat. I simply eat to live. I eat because I have to. I eat because I have a husband that makes me. I look at my body and it makes me sad. The refection in the mirror lies to me, according to my husband. Reflected back in my eyes is a fat, ugly blob. I can’t be too thin. I can’t be too small in my eyes.
　
I still have the jeans I wore on the day of our wedding. Size 2. That was a 2 seventeen years ago. Much smaller than a 2 today. My hip bones jutted out and held them up. The denim sagged around my skeletal body. I can see it in hind sight. The emaciated girl in those photos is a stranger to me. Even then I though I was fat. Always with 5-10 pounds to loose. Not sure where now.
　
That was then. This is now.
　
Ana does not go away. She is always there. Her voice louder at times and quiet others. Right now she is screaming in my ears. Every bite of food that enters my mouth is a source of guilt. Every ounce of fat on my body is a reason to call myself a failure.
Hunger feels good. It is the feeling of success. It means that I have hidden ana from my family. No one knows I have skipped a meal. They don’t realize that I haven’t eaten in two day.
　
Problem is, I am married to Dragon. Or…. Would that be a good thing? He never overlooks skipped meals. He knows when I haven’t eaten. He knows my tricks at the dinner table. He stares me down until I have enough to make him happy. He will let me enjoy freedom for a few days but when I start getting dizzy and sick, he puts it to a stop every time.
　
He always realizes Ana is shouting before I do. He won’t tell me how he recognizes her and he doesn’t openly acknowledge that I am having food issues again. He fixes my plate. He prepares food he knows I will eat. I hear praise every second of the day. He tells me that I am beautiful and sexy.
　
Where would I be without him? Truthfully I don’t know. Probably in some hospital getting nutrition in an IV bag or NG tube. He makes sure I eat. When he has to be away from home, my weight drops like a rock and feel like a million bucks…. Until he gets home and I see the hurt in his eyes. Then all I feel is shame that I can’t be perfect no matter what I do.
　
I keep trying. I keep living. Pushing on every day. Today I had breakfast for the first time this week and I will probably have lunch too. My body won’t know to react. All that food in one day? I hope I can keep it down. I hate getting sick in public restrooms but my tummy just won’t hold much food anymore. It is like a gastric bypass without the surgery. That is what nearly 20 years of Ana will do to you.
　
Dragon will watch after me. He will make sure I get just enough to eat. He will keep my weight going in the direction he wants it to go. No worries from my friends in blog land. I will not get my way on this. Ana’s voice will slowly grow quiet again.

What to tell your Doctor

Ooops! ! ! You have a mark or two or three from a session and need to go to the Doctor.
　
No, it can’t wait. You have to go today and he will see those colorful marks all over your backside.
　
OH NO! ! ! TIME TO PANIC ! ! !
　
Not necessarily. Slow down. Take a deep breath. You can do this.
　
You have a few options.
　
The first is human nature. Don’t say anything.
　
What is going to happen? He is going to question you and his nurse will give you phone numbers for crisis hot lines and the local women’s shelter.
　
Nope. I don’t like that one at all. Now my Doctor thinks I am a battered wife and my husband will get dirty looks every time we walk in the door. That is best case scenario. Worst case? An anonymous call to the police. I don’t want to be questioned by the police about my lifestyle or what we do in the privacy of our bedroom. Nor do I want to try to explain it to the judge.
　
Or…… you could tell him the full truth.
　
Hey doc, we practice DD. My husband spanks me when I break one of our household rules. I consent to this lifestyle and can end it at any time. Last time he spanked me, he left a nice hand print on my backside. Just didn’t want you to worry about it.
　
Now that could get nasty. You are going to get the women’s lib lecture and a few phone numbers. You may even end up talking to a social worker before you leave your appointment.
　
A better option? Partial honesty.
　
Hey doc, I am into an alternative lifestyle thing and there are few marks on my ass. They were consensual and I had fun getting them. Just thought you should know before you got the wrong idea about things.
　
No, they weren’t really fun but the doctor doesn’t need to know EVERYTHING. He now has just enough information to know that you are not a battered wife. In fact, he is going to think you are kinky whether or not you really are. And you won’t have to deal with all those phone numbers and pamphlets or a visit from the police.

Partial honesty has worked for me a few times. No questions. No awkward moments.
　
What works for you?

Money Matters

Years ago my sweet dependable Dragon wasn’t so good at managing money. He liked to spend money he didn’t have. I had so little and he wanted to give me the world. He replaced my old fuse box for a breaker box, bought me a stove that worked, new clothes, groceries. You name it. If I needed it, he was right there with his wallet out.

Problem is, his generosity left his bank account over drawn. We weren’t married. We weren’t even engaged but I took over. We opened a joint savings account. I withdrew enough to pay his bills and part of my power bills. His spending money was left in the savings account to spend how ever he wanted.

It worked!

One year after we started dating, we eloped. I added him to my checking account and got him an ATM card. ATM machines were just starting to pop up. You could find them around banks and maybe at the mall. With in two months I realized that wasn’t going to work. It took all the courage I had to put my had out for the card. I cut it up and he didn’t get it back.

Over 10 years latter and several major moves latter, I got tired of the hassle and the fight. Every trip to the store I had to convince him that we didn’t have enough to buy everything we needed or wanted. Yes, we have $300 in savings but we need that for car insurance. Yes, we have $1000 but rent is due next week.

What did I do? I gave him the passwords and the check book. Handed him a pile of bills and a bank balance too low to pay half of them. He learned fast and hard that those bills have to be paid. We didn’t have as much money as he thought we did. That paycheck didn’t go as far as he thought it should.

Now I live relatively stress free when it comes to our finances. He takes care of it. I ask before I spend and he makes sure we have what we need. It turned out that he just needed a few years of family life to figure this money thing out. To learn that you have to save for the things you want.

At the beginning of our marriage, I had to take on more of a leadership role that I wanted to. It was necessary but as time passed, I gladly slipped out of the drivers seat. He holds the keys now and I can breath a sigh of relief.

Prayer

　
When my Dragon is far away, I pray for him. When he is having a hard time, I pray for him. When our relationship needs a little work, I pray for him.
　
See a theme there? Prayer helps us both cope with the hard times life throws our way. Sometimes I don’t know where to start. I feel a little lost myself and don’t even know where to begin. That is when I turn to a book written by Stormy Omartian. “The Power of a Praying Wife”

The first day is, “Praying for his Wife.” It talks about what you can change and what can’t. Where you as a wife can make your relationship better. Every day has a new topic. A new area of life to pray about.

http://www.amazon.com/Power-Praying-Wife-Stormie-Omartian/dp/0736919244/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_1#_

Confession time latter.  Maybe.  I told someone on another blog, in a relpy.  Maybe.  Right now I just want to share a book that helped me cope with the issue and simply life.  Post 9/11 has been hard on my family and this year, life has been even harder.  The power of a prayig wife has helped more than anything esle ever has.