Dogs

Several months ago Dragon started giving me a few swats with the belt every morning.  Not hard enough to hurt. Just a few to start the day off right.

After his breakfast and before he put on his belt.  He lifted the hem of my gown and a swung the belt gently.  No pain.

By my mighty K9 protector decided that those swats were a bad thing.  My mighty guard dog wouldn't let Dragon close to me.  Soon I had two dogs standing guard every morning.

They are happy now.  No more morning swats but I sure do miss them.

Choices

Every day is full of choices.  One of the hardest choices I ever made was to be a stay at home mom.  Yes, a house wife.  It wasn't easy.  To go from full time college student, three jobs and a family, it was a huge change but it is one that I will never regret.

26 years ago I was determined to stand on my own two feet.  No one was going to stand in my way.  No one was going to tell me I wasn't smart enough or good enough.  I faced challenges head on and beat them into the ground!  When one job wasn't enough, I got two more!  I had enough attitude for three people.

Three years later I was a mother and married to my Dragon.  I only had one job but worked long hours.  70 hours a week was normal.  Someone else heard my daughter's first word and it wasn't mommy. Someone else helped her take her first step.  That was hard enough.  One day I was nearly two hours away from home doing my job.  Taking care of someone else's child and my child was sick.

I was done.

It wasn't a decision I made alone.  Dragon told me that it was an option.  Stay home and watch our children grow up.  Be there for them.  Take care of them. Educate them.

Our choice.  It was hard.  We have made sacrifices but it has absolutely been worth it.

Labor day weekend we went to a party.  Another couple decided that I should have a job.  How they knew I am a home maker, I have no idea.  My guess would be vindictive gossip.  First he suggested that I get a job where Dragon works.  They are short handed after all.  The criticism didn't stop there.

The party took an awful turn and never recovered.  Not for me anyway.

These strangers judged me.  They don't know who I am. they don't know why we made the decision we did.  They don't know anything other than nasty, spiteful gossip spread by someone who should know better.

Yes. A boat would be nice and two new cars.  A big house in the best neighborhood and designer clothes.  But I don't need those things.  Even without me working, we could have more material things. But the kids wouldn't have music lessons or play in $$$ sports.  I could stop buying food for the food pantry and never give another church doll away.

I rather live a generous life.  One of giving.  One with fewer regrets.


I know who the gossip is.  I was shocked at how low he stooped this time. (His high school friend was the one giving me a hard time about not working) I have decided to forgive him.  Again. I have decided to let go of my own bitterness and pray for him.  His gossip hurt but other things he did that day nearly put me in the ER.  I am going to pray that he finds a better way to express how he is feeling without hurting others.

A lesson for all of us.  Spite doesn't hurt just one person.  It hurts everyone it touches.  (His wife, my kids, my husband and niece)

Lesson number two.  Forgiveness is healing.  Holding on to the anger gives him power over me that he doesn't deserve.  Forgiveness lets the joy back into my life.

Revenge won't solve the problem.  Only kindness will. The problem may never go away.  I can't change someone else but I don't have to let it change me.

Thank you Dragon for giving me the confidence to stand up to these idiots. Thank you for showing me that I am worth more than that.  Thank you for drying my tears tonight while I worked my way through the emotional mess I have been since the party.  And thank you for loving me just as much as I love you.

I Don't Get It

Back to school celebration photos.  You know the ones.  Mom jumping for joy, kids looking embarrassed, scared, hurt or even laughing.

I enjoy the time I spend with my children.  I get lonely if I don't have at least one kid at my side.  There have been times that I needed a short break but not EVERY DAY! I actually enjoy my kids.  Even teenagers!

I worry about the kids in the photos.  That they are hurt but just hiding it.  What kind of chaos do they live in that spending time away from the kids is a relief for these moms?

I do understand being proud of your kids.  I understand being excited that they are learning and growing into young adults.  I just don't understand these first day of school photos.  They have so much potential to hurt. A mother is expected to love unconditionally.  What are these photos really saying?

No, I won't understand your explanation.  It isn't something I can understand.  This is just food for thought.  Think about it before you do your own staged photo.

Ps.  I hated sending my kids away to school so much I home school.  We started in 1998 and we are still going strong.

Learning Something New

My oldest daughter brought her electric guitar home for me to keep. I don't think she intended for me to keep it forever but....

I really hate seeing an expensive piece of equipment collecting dust.  No one plays it!

A few months ago, I bought a Hal Leanord lesson book, a package of picks and new strings.  Yesterday, I picked it up and started learning.  Now, my other kids are interested in learning!  One string at a time, we are all learning together. One guitar between three people.  My son hasn't shown interest but the girls have.

Lessons of the week.  1. I am capable of learning something new! 2.  The best way to get my teenagers interested in something is to do it!

Sitting around the living room floor, passing the guitar from person to person is the perfect way to spend these miserable hot summer days.

Sawing Logs

Yep.  Dragon snores.

Call it what ever you want but it is truly revolting.  Tonight he sounds like an elephant with a knotted trunk.  Last night he sounded like a dying horse.  My goal every night is to fall asleep before the sound effects get into the dangerous decibel level.

I almost never succeed.

He was a good Dragon and had a sleep study done.  What a surprise! He has sleep apnea.  I tried to tell them!  The fancy test wasn't necessary.  Even the neighbors know he has issues!

"It is treatable." They said.  This machine will put him right to sleep with no snores.

That was several years ago.

This expensive compressor now sits beside the bed gathering dust.

If the pressure is turned up enough to help him, he develops another problem.  I'll tell you about the last time he used that contraption.

Ugh

He replaced all the parts he could with new. The water reservoir, tubing, mask and filters. He spent some time getting the straps to the mask adjusted just right.  Everything was set to go.  He put the mask on and was out before his head hit the pillow.

And I was still awake.

The snoring wasn't as loud but it was just enough to keep me awake.  Around 1am the farting started.  From fast and short to long and loud.  At 2 he let one loose so loud that it woke him up! He looked so startled, I had to laugh.  He sat up, took off the mask and ran for the bathroom.

That was months ago and he refuses to use the cpap now. I can't blame him.  We set the pressure lower and it does no good.  Increase the pressure just a little and it causes other problems.

Eventually I will fall asleep from exhaustion.  Even with the chainsaw buzzing in my ear. For now, I am going to re-read a favorite book.  I have to see if it ends the same way!

Good night

My How People Change!

Me!  I have changed!

I was a shy girl who wouldn't defend herself.  Turn the other cheek was drilled into my young brain.  No matter what, don't fight.  Take it and just walk away.

I took a lot of crap in school because of that. Punished at school, get worse at home.  Nothing the bullies could do would make me react. Not even tears.

I'm not that girl any more.

While Dragon was military, I stood toe to toe with anyone who didn't give me my way.  Chief, first sergeant or commander.  It didn't matter.  I was always polite.  I was always respectful but they knew what I thought!

But still. I never tried to defend myself. Not ever.  I couldn't hit a living, breathing person.  I couldn't hurt another person even if they were trying to hurt me.

That has changed!

In the last few months I discovered that I am still afraid of my ex husband. Very afraid and with good reason.

Little shy me is learning how to fight!  Dragon is teaching me how to punch.  How to get out of holds. How to deal with a gun or a knife. I can do this!

Some change is good.  I will not be afraid of a coward.

Rules

Dragon only has two that he enforces.  They both relate to the 4 Rd.
1. Obviously cussing. It is why DD began.  Our marriage nearly ended thanks to the military and a drug called larium.  In the struggle to keep it together my mouth got a little dirty.

2. This is the one I really struggle with.  Seatbelt use.

I just forget to put it on.  I know it is dangerous. In another lifetime I was a paramedic! Why do I keep forgetting?

I am lucky Dragon doesn't really want to punish me.

If the warning bell dings, I get swats.  Dragon usually tells me in a gentle voice to put it on.  He tells me before the truck gets going fast enough to trigger the warning.

Love my man.

weight Loss

If you have followed my blog, you know that the last 12 months have been insane.  Dragon in a PTSD crisis. My oldest daughter raped and pregnant.  Add drug addiction into the crazy mix and all of it has turned me into a stress ball.

Some people would turn to food for comfort.  I turned to fitness, weight lifting and of course spanking when I can get it.

The results so far?  20+ pounds lost.  Lots of fat melted off my body and muscle gain.

That's good. Right?

The problem? My favorite dresses are too BIG! I'll keep wearing them until I am able to replace them with more cute dresses.  Even the clothes I bought this spring are baggy.

I am sad to say goodbye to some of my favorite outfits but I don't want all that weight back.

Right now I am searching for a new gym.  I got spoiled with a larger better equipped gym when I was out of town. Now my little gym just seems lacking.  Two benches in the free weight area is not enough.

Road Rage

Yep, I have an issue with road rage.  Just a small one but if people wouldn't drive like F@$#ing idiots....

I was driving home from the mall.  A truck flew up on my bumper, flashed his lights, whipped around me and nearly clipping my bumper.

Traffic was heavy.  It was 4:30 and already traffic on the toll road was stopped.  The service road was moving slowly.

That fool scared the crap out of me and I let everyone in the car know.

"F@$#ing idiot! Did you see that? F@$#er needs to learn how to f@$#ing drive. "

A little overboard?  Did I mention that Dragon was on speaker phone? How about this part, it has become a habit.

He threatened to spank my backside!  Lectured me right then and there!  Here I am trying to navigate city traffic getting lectured!  Yipes.

I should have accepted the punishment. After all I did deserve it.  Road Rage and cussing are both against the rules. Somehow I managed to talk my way out of it.

Now I am dealing with guilt....

So is life

A Much Needed Spanking

Dragon agreed that I needed some stress relief and that a good spanking was the best way to get it.   He finally did the deed.

Out in the garage he set up the camp cot.  Shirt off, he told me to lay down on my tummy.  First came an electrifying flogging with the violet wand and the mylar flogger.  Pin pricks of sensation across my back.  When I couldn't handle any more of that he got out the paddle.

Before the first swat he secured my hands above my head.  No protecting my bottom this time.  Then things started to heat up fast.   A few times I asked for a break.  It was intense.  Just when I was sure the spanking was over, he took off his belt.  Usually he goes easy with the belt.  No such luck. The swats came hard and fast.  It didn't take long for me to start panicking.

He stopped, figured out what was wrong, calmed me down and started with the paddle again.  The warm up was long over.  These weren't gentle taps.  These were full swing swats.  Every time one connected my hands strained at the ropes, my body lifted off the cot and a soft squeak left my mouth.  I couldn't stay still.

When my bottom felt like it was on fire he put the paddle down, released my hands and massaged my burning posterior.  There was no room for anything else.  No stress. Just sensation and sub space.

I am still feeling it today.

my BIG mouth

I have been fascinated by glass and metal toys for some time.  We have one glass toy that almost looks like beads.  It has an interesting sensation.  But it is just for short term play.  The hook can be worn for a long period of time but it isn't exactly discrete.

Last week I opened my big mouth.  I told Dragon that a stay in place plug would be interesting.  That I found the thought erotic.

Guess what?

He came home with an Icicle plug.  At 1 3/4in diameter, it is BIG.  Dragon used it for the second time this morning and let's just say that I am still feeling the effects.  Once the head is all the way in, it isn't that bad.  It is just the stretch to get it in and latter, the sting to remove it that is the problem.

I think Dragon likes thinking about that monster plug moving in my body as I fold the laundry, make the bed and move around the house.

Sitting is done gently.  No worries about forgetting about that monster plug inserted so discreetly in my backside.

I do have to admit that chores are much more interesting with that thing in place.  By the time I was done, I was hot and bothered that I had to have relief.  Dragon was happy to accommodate.

He has his eye on a metal plug that was much smaller.  I think I like that idea.

Sleeping Nude

Dragon loves it when I sleep nude and honestly, I prefer to.  The feel of the cotton sheets against my bare skin is exquisite.  My body is absolutely available to Dragon without barriers.  And sleeping nude, I don't get overheated.  No waking up soaked in sweat.

It has so many advantages.

Last night I got so frustrated with my gown.  It was uncomfortable.  My panties were already on the bed side table. I just couldn't tolerate clothes any more.  It felt so nice to just slip between the sheets and relax.

But you know it couldn't last.  Right?  Life had to remind me why I don't sleep in the nude.

Knock knock knock

Oh crap.  A kid in need.

We have had a problem with red wasps this year.  Not a big deal unless everyone is allergic to the nasty things.  My daughter stepped on one in the kitchen.  She usually has a level 3 reaction.  Epi pens usually aren't necessary but the rule is to not be alone until the reaction eases.

Ice, benadryl, tobacco and comfort as each symptom hits hard.  Swelling, redness, wheezing, itchy hives.  Zantac is added to do what the benadryl can't.

Time.

She has a sore foot and I remembered why I don't sleep in the nude.  No matter how nice it feels, it is very hard to dress quickly when you are half asleep.

It was a good try.  Oh well.

Fear

The stress of the law two months finally reached the boiling point.  Dragon didn't realize that he was pushing to hard.  He didn't realize that I have been holding on by my bloody fingernails.

Dragon has been puzzled by my obsession with self defense classes.  Now he knows why.

Six weeks away from him and the kids.  Six weeks spent with people who hate me.  (Funny thing, the things they hate me for aren't true)

If that wasn't enough my daughter told me that my meth head ex husband was seen in town.  The man wants me dead.  He has tried to kill me multiple times.  I slept with my hand on a loaded gun.  I walked with my head on a swivel.  Hyper aware of everyone around me.

I got to spend a few weeks home and then we had to go right back.  More fear.  More stress.

The shootings in Dallas. More fear.  Fire fighters and EMTs told not to wear their badges.

I just got tired of being afraid.

Dragon pushed me and got frustrated when I resisted.  He didn't understand.  It was just a small thing but on top of everything else?  It pushed me to the breaking point. I cried in public.  I NEVER CRY IN PUBLIC!

Dragon finally understands.

One good stress relief spanking later, I feel a little better.  And Dragon understands my obsession with martial arts.

Kneeling

Kneeling was once forbidden. Now it is almost a nightly ritual.

After dinner we go out to our little home gym and put on a movie.  This is a chance for us to relax and reconnect.  No kids at all. About 5 minutes into the movie I move from my chair to the floor at Dragon's feet.  I take off my shirt and he removes my bra.
See why we don't allow the kids?

I'm not much of a movie watcher and get distracted by his hands.  Yep, every night.  I put a thin yoga block between his feet and kneel in front of him.

Kneeling is one of the most submissive positions for me. I kneel for only two reasons.  To pray which is a position of submission to God and to show my Dragon that he is indeed my HOH.  I don't kneel for BDSM games or in play. Only to show obedience and submission.  It is a humbling position.  A special one reserved for two purposes.  

It was forbidden before because kneeling hurts Dragon and used to be very uncomfortable for me.  I wasn't very limber and my thighs protested when I forced them to hold my body in such an unfamiliar position.  As my fitness level improved, I got stronger and more flexible. Kneeling started to get more comfortable physically.

One night I showed Dragon.  I knelt in front of him.  I held the position for  nearly an hour without any problems.  He figured out that it puts me in a very submissive state of mind and that I can hold the position for long periods of time without harm.

Now kneeling is part of our nightly ritual.  I watch most of the movie half nude, kneeling at his feet.  Making my body available for him.  Exposed to his eyes and his busy fingers.  A pinched nipple lets me know when I do something to displease him.

After the movie I move over to the Roman bench.  He lowers my pants and panties.  I place my torso across the padded platform, displaying my assets for his pleasure. Some days he just inspects the skin, gives me a light swat with his hand and we are done.  Most of the time he gives me 2-6 stinging swats with his paddle of choice. If I have had a hard day it can be as many as 30.

Trust me.  30 is plenty.  I get up with tears in my eyes.  These are usually close to full force.  If he gives me a full 30 I know that he is really disappointed in my behavior and always comes with a lecture.  On my knees, top half bare, pants and panties lowered to my knees.  Bottom bright red and burning. Not a dignified position at all.  Very humbling. It gets my attention every time.  But still, it isn't a punishment.

With this new way we are doing TTWD I am almost afraid to see what a punishment will look like.  But I absolutely trust Dragon.  I know that whatever he does will be for my own good.

Tonight I will probably ask for 10 and he will probably increase that number to 15.  I need some stress relief.  If he ties my hands, I know it is going to be hard.  I'll have to wait and see what happens.

For something once forbidden, Dragon sure makes use of the new tool in his arsenal.  Who knows.  I may end up on my knees with my cherry red backside on full display.

Pray

Pray for the officers who were shot.
Pray for the officers who will never go home
Pray for their families they left behind
Pray for officers still trying to end the violence
Pray for the medics and ER staff.
    Some of them will never work again
Pray for Dallas.
    That this madness ends before more people are hurt.
Pray for our country.  It is broken

Saying I Love You

Without saying a word.

I keep finding new ways to say everything without saying a word.


While Dragon was military his work hours were unpredictable. He would leave before 5 am and who knows when he would get home.  We bought groceries for him to prepare meals at work.  We tried to have a meal together every day but it didn't always work out.

Now that he is retired and working at a new job things have settled down a little. I get up at 5 every morning to fix his breakfast and a sack lunch.  Since summer is here, frozen water, Gatorade and apple juice have been added.

This week has been so hot that he wants a shower as soon as he walks in the door. I have a towel and comfortable clothes ready for him.  With dinner on the table waiting for him.

Since his hours are still unpredictable, I have learned how to fix foods that I can keep warm or reheat for him latter.  Some things just aren't good the second time around and some things are even better after they are reheated.

During the day, I make sure that he has a clean button up and a full set of clothes ready for the next day.

He works hard to provide for our little family. I can make his life more comfortable at his.

BOXES!

We have officially been here for 4 years and I STILL have BOXES that haven't been sorted.  AND my daughter is here.  That means baby clothes.  Lots of baby clothes.  Things I have saved from all four of them.

Can I say that I am overwhelmed?

I have been avoiding this task with great success.

I thought that my skillful procrastination had gone unnoticed.

I was wrong.

This morning I got a warning and the look.

Complete Alpha male.  Totally HOH.

Do you ever wonder why I get so few punishments?  First I go to great lengths to avoid them.  When Dragon goes all HOH on me, I sit up and listen. Second Dragon likes the fun kind of spanking much better. I admit that I do too.

5 boxes sorted and about 5 more to go. And the baby clothes....

This will never end but I may just get a good girl spanking out of it!  I know Dragon wants to play with the new violet wand too.  Fun!

High Complements

Out of nowhere, one of my daughters gave me the highest complement.

"You and Dad are my relationship goal.  I want what you have."

I hope she remembers that we have had to walk through shell to get here.  Hurt feelings, anger, loss, broken trust and mental illness.

I have great kids.

Uneven Sting

We were about to leave. Another family gathering full of stress and all the issues that come with extended family. Dragon took me out to the garage.  The room was hot but the little window air conditioner helped.

Dragon gestured to the bench we use for spanking.  It is the perfect height to support my hips.  My head drops down on the other side and I have a convenient hand hold.  Since I still had on my dress from church, Dragon simply lifted the hem and folded the fabric neatly across my back.  I felt the smooth silk of my panties slide down to my knees.

We couldn't take long.  It was time to leave but I was a mess.  Dragon was determined to take care of my backside before I got into real trouble.

He began with soft warm up swats.  Probably around 20 if I had to guess. Then he asked for a number. How many hard swats?  He expects me to ask for 2-8.  That is the usual range.  Without much thought I picked 4. An even number.  Two for each sit spot. A good burn without being uncomfortable for the two hour drive.

Left, right.  Two swats. My eyes burned with tears that fast and my backside was on fire.  A swat across both cheeks and the last one went to the left.

My backside was on fire but I hate an uneven burn.

Yes, I asked for a fifth swat.  But as always, Dragon did what he wanted.  He landed two rapid fire swats.  He put my panties back in place and pulled my dress down, straightening the hem before he helped me stand.

I made the two hour drive with an uneven spanking.

He just doesn't understand....
(I am probably a little ocd about these things.  Sigh)

Appearances

On the surface they look like a perfect family.  Successful.  They have a pool in the back yard and drive cars that are the envy of the neighborhood.  They throw the best parties.

On the surface it looks like the American dream.

But

If you look closer you notice that the happy couple don't smile at each other.  They don't touch.  They barely speak to each other.  Then you find out that their kids aren't perfect either.  One is a dropout and the another has a felony arrest.  Oops. Those kids hate their parents.

I'll take my imperfect family.  We fight.  We slam doors. We drive old cars.  Ill take the hard times along with the good.

Why?

We look at each other with love.  We know how to forgive.  The pronouns we and us are more common than I, me and my.  our house is messy but it is filled with love.

Interrupted

We had cloud rotation right above our home and flooding.  Hail was hitting the windows making a racket.

Nope.  No spanking last night of any kids.  This morning Dragon noticed a bruise on my bottom.  Right on my sit spot from my last spanking.  Unless it is a punishment that needs to happen immediately he doesn't like to spank over bruising.  Even without the weather interruption I probably wouldn't have been spanked anyway.  Dragon takes care of me.

That said, this punishment is simply delayed.  When I talked to him

I did manage to make real progress with obedience though.  Dragon is slowly taking away all privacy from me.  It is hard but I understand the need.  Every day obedient makes it easier when it is something important. It helps that I have safe words.

Maintenance and Consequences

Before I left for my trip, Dragon decided that Sunday was maintenance day.  A stiff, not very fun spanking to reaffirm our roles and ensure my submission.  It didn't take him long to add a Wednesday session and morning swats with the belt. (Remember when I couldn't even take one swat with the belt?  Now I get 5 every morning)

 I don't usually cry with any kind of spanking but these were harder than even my worst punishment before.  I think he has finally figured out that my bottom won't break.  And that he won't damage my mind by busting my backside.

We are slowly getting back on track. Wednesday we had a stiff session and today it is time for another one.  Why? Because we both need it.

I am going to take it one step further.  Dragon gave me a pass for cussing since our last session.  He gave me a firm lecture and let the issue drop.  I haven't been able to let it go.  It is time to confess.  The thought makes my stomach twist.  The confusing part is that it makes my panties damp too.

Dragon needs to know that the guilt didn't go away.  He needs to know that I have been lying by omission.  Not telling him when I slip.

Wednesday, Dragon tied my hands to keep them out of the way and hold me in position.  Mind blown.  No dodging swats.  No rubbing or grabbing at the paddle.  I wonder if that is going to be the new normal.  We shall see.

Dragon may take care of the confession with just the regular maintenance.  One purpose of the spanking is to get rid of the guilt left over from the week.  He may decide to make it a full punishment because I lied to him. I guess I'll find out soon.

He likes to make sure I am hydrated before a spanking. Dragon wants my skin to stay healthy.  Faster healing and a lower chance of leather butt.  Two bottles of water and a Gatorade before he gets home from work.  He makes sure I am good and hydrated.  Now I know what all this loss of privacy is about.  No hiding from Dragon.  Not anymore.

Time to get ready.  He will be home from work soon.

An Electrifying New Toy

Yes, we are now the proud owners of a Violet Wand.  It can go from a mild tingle to a sharp sting.  So far our collection of electrodes is limited.  We have the three that came with the kit and the mylar flogger.  We will expand that collection one piece at a time.

I am working hard on submitting to him.  Tearing down the last barriers between us.  Slow but steady.  One little inch at a time.  No matter how embarrassing a command may be or how uncomfortable it is, he wants my immediate submission.  He wants obedience even when it is hard.

I understand why.  It is for our benefit. Ours.  Not just mine.  He needs to know that I will obey in play so that he knows I'll obey when it is important.  I'll admit that it is easier that way.  To already be in the habit of obeying doesn't make it automatic but it does mean that I'm more likely to do what he wants.

Dragon is home from work.  Time to give him attention instead of the kindle.

It is good to be home

Finally!

I know I was slow to share but Dragon had the day off.  For two nights, I have slept in his arms.  We are both sleeping better now.

Soon after I walked in the door he introduced me to the new toys he has collected.  The cupping set is strange but it does feel good.  Just different from anything else I have ever experienced.  The adjustable nipple clamps look intimidating but they aren't bad at all.

He saved the best for last.  The anal hook.  It looks like a large fishing hook with a ball on the end. I was worried but it actually feels good.  It didn't hurt going in at all.  With a little pressure, I couldn't dismiss it at all.  Dragon wants to use it with bondage.

We now have a variety of rope.  Jute, hemp, cotton, silk and polyester.  He used the jute yesterday.  It felt great.  I think I am hooked.

Our morning routine is back in place.  Breakfast, spanking and prayers.  In that order.

It feels good to be home.

Heading Home!!!

I can't wait.  There are just a few more things to  load in the car and we will be ready.  It is just a 12 hour drive but I am going to stop by and visit family today and make the rest of the trip tomorrow.  I'll beat him home Tuesday and we can spend his off day together.

He has prompted that I'll get a spanking no matter how tired we are.  Just a few swats until we can really play.

I am so excited.  When I left home the first week in May I had tears in my eyes.  Now all I feel is excitement.  I am so ready for this.

Communication in TTWD

WOW!

When we are far apart we talk.  A LOT!

I finally understand why Dragon is so careful with punishment.  My history of abuse.  He says that I have known abuse most of my life and he doesn't want to cross that line.

When a punishment is about to happen he watches my body language and facial expressions. He listens. If anything seems off, he takes it as a withdrawal of consent.  He knows that if he pushes to hard I'll withdraw from everything.  Backing off is his way of keeping me safe. Protecting my mind from harm that happened long ago.

Now we have a plan.

When I am faced with a punishment and absolutely panic he will give me some space.  No, I can't leave the garage.  I sit there and think. It gives me a chance to remember why we do what we do. That Dragon has never hurt me and never will.

When he comes back a decision must be made. If I am willing to accept the spanking, I am to strip and wait for his instructions. If I just can't do it, he will give an alternate punishment. I'm not off the hook.  An essay, lines, extra chores,  icy hot. Something.

No more just dropping the issue.

And...

Dragon says that I am ready to be pushed harder.  No won't work.  Red will only delay or modify the punishment.  I should probably be worried but I'm not.  I'm happy that DD is back.  I'm happy that I have my Dragon back.

I sure do need a spanking.

The Violet Wand

Dragon has been shopping.

He is looking at violet wands and I am getting even more nervous.  I have seen them used. Even got to test one out at a party.

The first electrified zap of the wand was mild. Unfortunately a sadist had control of the intensity. It didn't take long for him to take it from just a mild tingle to owch!

This can get interesting.  Bondage, blindfold and ear plugs.  Add in a little shocking sensation.

Doesn't that sound like the old Dragon?  I think so.

It makes me want to sing!

I want to celebrate!  I'm thinking a scene with Dragon when I get home. We really need to find a party or a dungeon.  I really miss public play. An audience changes the energy. Intensifies everything!  In a new group, our first few scenes won't get a lot of attention but after a few people see us interact the people just keep coming.

Submitting

Talk is easy.  We have talked about what we want. The direction we want to go in and areas that I really want to push my limits.

In just a few days I will be heading home.  I am nervous.  How can I do this?

It has been nearly 4 years since I had a punishment spanking.  He was newly retired and we had just moved into our new house.  We were sleeping on camp beds and cooking in the camper.  Our refrigerator was a cooler lined with dry ice.

I remember how hard it was to put my hands on the seat of the motorcycle.  To stay still as he counted out 30 swats.  They came hard and fast. I remember struggling to stay in place. To stay quiet.

How can I do that again? I question it but I crave the release.  Other punishments are a deterrent for sure but they just don't have the same effect.  The guilt still sticks to my heart.

Privacy is another issue we discussed.  I am going to give up even more.  There was a time when I wouldn't undress in the room with him.  I wouldn't even change my blouse in front of him.  Over the years I have learned how to trust him.  I'm comfortable sitting beside him completely nude.  The last shred of my shyness around Dragon is going to be gone.  No more hiding my body from him.

That is scary!

Morning temperatures are coming back.  Dragon wants sex without a condom. Tracking my cycle with multiple methods is absolutely essential to preventing pregnancy and I really don't want another baby.  Since morning oral temperatures aren't accurate, not enough moisture in my mouth, that leaves two options.  Vaginal or rectal. We shall see which he chooses.  Yes, even that will be a challenge for me. Touching me in a different way for a purpose. (Shivers) When he is home, he will also do the cervical check later in the day. He says that he gets most of the benefit so he should get some of the responsibility too.

Things Dragon has learned since we began our journey:
1. My bottom won't break when you smack it with a paddle
2. A bruise bottom is a good thing
3. A little bit of embarrassment won't do permanent damage.
4. If I have agreed to do something in negotiations then back out, that is a discipline issue.  Dishonesty is not allowed.
5. A fear reaction isn't the time to back off.  It is a time for reassurance, patience and a little push.

He had told me these things.  Not in a list but in conversation and negotiation. 4 and 5 are new.

I didn't write a all the new things we discuss. The new routines and rituals put into place. Some of them will stick. Some of them won't.  They are all designed to bring us closer together. To build trust and knock down the few remaining barriers we have.

A lot of thought went into the things we talked about.  Wants, needs, submission, control.

It will pay off.  I can do this. Baby steps.

Japanese Rope Bondage

Shibari You Can Use Japanese Rope Bondage and Erotic Macrame
By Lee Harrington
Photography by Rigger Jay

Most of my how to bondage books are useless.  They show beautiful ties with useless photos and very few instructions.  This book is different.

The first chapter talk about safety and rope choices.  Then each chapter after the talks about one tie. The instructions are easy to follow and the photos are going clear. Showing exactly what the text describes.

I already know all of the ties but a review was helpful.  Overall. I love the book.

I don't usually top but this book has me looking for volunteers.

Stress Relief

I am one big stress ball.  I NEED a major stress relief session with items of impact. Hand, paddle, belt, flogger.

I need!

In my waking dream Dragon unzips my dress.  It falls to the floor.  Panties and bra are next.  Standing nude, waiting for him instructions.  He places my hands on the weight bench and moves my feet apart.  He positions me to his satisfaction.  Legs and back straight.  Hands practically glued to the bench.

Many of our sessions start this way.  When they do, I know the swats are going to come hard and fast.  A swift warm up and then it gets tough. In this position every swat takes my breath away.  The swats come faster than I can recover.  Pushing hard for that release I need so very bad.

My backside and upper legs turn a nice cherry red.  Tears sting my eyes. There is no way to count.

As long as it isn't a punishment, he starts with his hand.  I think he likes to see his hand print on my backside.

When he is done, he takes a minute to rub my multi colored backside.  No sex after that level of intensity.  I am usually flying.  He likes it when I am a bit more responsive and not as giggley.

I need the paddle.  It isn't a want anymore.

Soon

Memorial Day

It isn't a day to celebrate the beginning of summer
It isn't a day to honor active duty military.
It isn't a day to honor veterans
It isn't a day to decorate every head stone in your small town cemetery

It is a day to remember those who gave their lives for our country!
It is a day to honor the spouses they left behind.
It is a day to comfort the children who will never see their parent again.

I hope that you spend some time this weekend reflecting on their ultimate sacrifice.  These men and women have nothing left to give.  They died for your freedom. For your safety.

No, I won't have a happy Memorial Day.  It isn't a happy day.  I'll spend the day remembering those who didn't come home.  I'll pray that the suicide rate among veterans goes down.  I'll pray for those left behind. And I'll thank God that Dragon came home to me.

Most cities have some kind of memorial service.  I hope you take the time to find one.

Age Play

I know it probably sounds odd to most but age play is a big part of what we do.  It isn't always obvious but it makes me feel so loved.  Describing it is hard but I shall try.

We don't really have big scenes where I am his little girl. It is more in whispered words. He will dress me. Picking out even childish panties to wear under the pretty clothes he has chosen for me.  When we shower together he bathes me.  Head to toe, I am not allowed to help.  He dresses me in simple night clothes.  Nothing sexy.  Simple, lacy cotton.

A punishment session is all business and no play at all. Other kinds of spanking tend to be a bit more creative.  Morning wake up swats come with a lecture for his little girl and a list of chores to get done. Fun spankings are almost always age play.  His naughty little girl getting swats for silly things.  Even harder maintenance spankings.  We have used corner time but only in play.

We have used natural family planning for years
Long before we started going to a Catholic church. Age Play is even part of tracking my fertility.  He takes my morning temp.  Later in the day he does the cervical check. Height, opening, mucous. It is a very humbling experience and immediately puts me in a more submissive state of mind.

When we are around other people it doesn't stop.  In restaurants he orders my food and cuts my meat. Holds my hand and whispers naughty things in my ear.

Age Play gives him control over me in an out of control world.  It lets me give up that control and the responsibilities that can sometimes feel like a burden in every day life.

Most people never even notice.  Not even those closest to us. We keep it discrete but it is there.  It is just another way that we take care of each others needs.

Since I have been out of town we have been talking about taking our more private again play up a notch.  Little girl clothes.  Absolute loss of privacy.  And enforcing the no panties rule at night and at home. Part of the plan is little girl play clothes. Frilly dresses and cartoon themed short sets.  Don't know.  I think it is going to come down to a submission issue.

Sometimes it is Okay

Other times it is against the rules.  And I don't know how to tell the difference.

The rule?  Cussing

I don't do it very often but this trip has really brought out my inner sailor.  Dragon says that the audience and intent matter most.

Sometimes I do understand I am being punished for using a 4 letter word.  Others I am absolutely puzzled.

I can't make Dragon do anything.  He won't drop the rule.  He will continue to enforce it as he sees fit.

My job? Submit to the punishment. Cussing at all is against the rules.  Right place, time and audience was added latter.  If Dragon declares the words appropriate, great.  If not I'll submit to the punishment.

Easier said than done.  But enforcing the rule is reasonable.  Even if I can make a compelling reason for my behavior, I still broke the rules.

 So.... no more cussing at all.  Done.

Or my backside will feel the burn.

BABY

After unbelievable drama and lots of work, she is here!  8lbs 4 oz 19 inches.

I am happy, tired and hungry.  After several days with no sleep or clean clothes, I have decided that hospitals are nasty. I may never feel clean again.

Shower, nap and back to the hospital.

Panties From Home

I got a box today from Soma!  Dragon ordered me new panties and had them shipped directly to me. He is taking care of me from 600 miles away.  Love my man just a little.

We were discussing the selection.  Two pairs match the bras I brought with me.  Two are pretty and are just for every day.  The last two are thongs.

We came up with a panty code. Party panties means that he wants me in a matching set.  Fun panties are the pretty ones he buys for every day.  Spanking panties are thongs.  A nice bare target for some fun in the garage.  Punishment panties are thongs but calling them by a different name lets me know what to expect.

All kinds of fun negotiations happen when we are far apart.

missing him

I think this is a repeat but still very true. 600 miles from home and I miss my Dragon.
I miss his scent.
I miss the scratch of his beard.
I miss his hands.
I miss the way he can't keep his hands off me.
I miss fixing his breakfast and packing his lunch.
I miss the way he takes care of me before he takes care of himself.
I miss sex.
I miss spanking
I miss our kinky play

And yes, I even miss punishment.

My backside needs a good barn burner.  One of those that has me gasping for breath and fighting back tears. Just the thought of it makes me hungry for his touch.

I even crave ginger.  Who in their right mind craves that obnoxious, burning root?

Geez.  I am pathetic.

Ps
No baby yet.  We have a date set for induction.  I am more nervous than she is.

Family new. I.have finally made a stand. NO MORE BULLYING! I AM NOT A DOOR MAT
 My mom is upset with me but it needed to be done. She was trying to evict a disabled lady from a rental property I own.  She lives there rent free because I said so. My house. My rules. Not hers
I thought it was going to be hard but I find that I am actually relieved

Missing My Dragon

I have been away from home for 10 days.  600 miles separate us but our hearts are still connected.  I am with our oldest daughter. She is 39 weeks pregnant and has no one she trusts here.  This is where I am needed but it is hard.

I found a gym locally that will let me pay as I go.  It has been a life saver.  An hour is all it takes. 24 minutes of cardio. Stretching and then off to the free weights.

This is an awesome opportunity for me and my oldest daughter to reconnect.  Walking, shipping, cooking and cleaning.

We are taking things one day at a time.  I think she really is off the drugs.  I haven't seen any signs.  Believe me, I am watching.

Dragon's Creativity

You know the stress I am under right now.  Okay, you know about half of it.  Just half.

I lost it last night.

On the phone

With Dragon

I said some things I shouldn't have

Used some vulgar words that I'm not allowed to use.

600 miles won't stop Dragon from enforcing one of his special rules.

Oops.  He packed the icyhot.  1/4 inch applied to each sit spot after my morning shower.

It may not seem like much of a punishment but wowza did that burn. Several hours later it is still warm.

No tears. No emotional release but it will definitely discourage the vulgar language.

Update on the daughter issue
It all comes down to unconditional love.  I love my daughter with all my heart and will do what it takes to get her on her feet.  They call it TUFF love for a reason. If CPS takes the baby, we will do whatever we have to do to get her back with family.  My grandchild has two grandparents that love her. She doesn't need to be a ward of the state. But that is  an IF.  My daughter swears that she is sober and clean.

A girl can hope.  The doctor knows about the drug use.  He is prepared for what may come.

And now we wait.

sick and getting sicker

I arrived at my daughter's house yesterday.  My eyes started stinging, it got hard to breathe and I hurt everywhere.  I looked in the mirror and my cheeks were red.  I was as pale as a ghost other than my cheeks.

What in the world?  One minute I was feeling great.  The next I was sick.

After my daughter went to bed I figured it out.  The house smells like meth.  The scent that belongs only to illegal drugs and evil.

This morning she finally admitted that she has used crack cocaine.  I am speechless.  To suspect drug use and to know are a world apart.  I wonder where I went wrong.

For the baby, I am going to ignore the elephant in the room. Tiptoe around it and hope I don't disturb it.  I don't want my daughter to send me away this close to her due date.

Fear, anger, pain, confusion.  I'm not really sure what I feel. I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

Sorry.  This isn't my usual post.  This one is?  What?  I guess it just is what it is.

Life

Sassy Pants

This DD thing we do is 100% consensual!  Right? That means as a TiH I get a say in the rules and consequences.  Right?

Do you see where this is going?

It is a trap.  What I am really saying is that I want to make the rules and tell my HOH exactly how to enforce them.

Yep.  That works.

How long corner time should be.  How hard swats should be and just what an acceptable punishment is!  Yes.  I even get to say when I should get a punishment! Right?  I am 100% in control of TTWD.  it has absolutely nothing to do with what my HOH wants.  Nope. It is all about ME

Sounds a little selfish?

Yes, it does.  It sounds just like a toddler.  It is my way or you don't get to play.

I know that I fell into this trap when I first asked for DD.  I wanted it my way.  You know, like Burger King.  Fortunately, Dragon had other ideas.

He is the HOH and I am the TiH.  We discuss how things work but I don't always get my way.  He leads his way.  He does it in such a loving way that sometimes I don't even realize that he is doing it.

When he gives out a correction, it isn't necessarily a punishment. Sometimes it is just a gentle nudge in the right direction.  This thing we do is about relationship.  Admitting that two people can't steer the boat at the same time.  One boat can only go one direction at a time.

I may just be thinking to much.  Ya think?

Alternative Punishment

Dragon has been using some alternative punishments.

 In December he used a ginger fig. It burned.  It was uncomfortable but there is just one problem. I love to hate figging.  After we made love I had to ask if that was a punishment or funishment?  We decided on the second option.

This week he used the flogger.  No warm up.  Hard strikes from the very first swing.  He used the whip that I can the snake because it has a nasty bite.  By the time he was done, I was in sub space.  Was that a fail or a success?  I'm not sure.

He uses icy hot and toothpaste on my button when I need a heated reminder to be kind.  Some situations need that little extra something to keep things under control.  Like maybe my mouth and my southern creativity? This one is very effective.  It even helps me stay calm in the crowded mall.   With icy hot burning my bits I can stay for hours.  Without it I am done in less than 30 minutes.

Kneeling isn't always an option and again, I like it.  Standing in the corner just feels silly but I think that is the point. Dragon avoids both of those. Clothes pins are another punishment he hasn't used yet.  He has considered them a few times but changed his mind.  I HATE clips.  Nipples or clit, don't like them at all.

  He has used lines before.  Written with my dumb hand to make sure I spent enough time sitting on my sore backside.  Coloring in a child's coloring book is another common punishment he uses.  Act like a child, get treated like one.  No color pencils for me.  Nope, fat crayons.  Even a fat pencil for the lines.

Loss of panties is his favorite punishment.  Very uncomfortable for me especially in public.  He discreetly reaches into my waist, pulls up one side of my panties and cuts.  Garbage.  When the kids eventually move our he tells me that it won't just be my panties that I will do without.

Dragon has finally figured out that my backside isn't fragile. I can take a hard swing with the belt, paddle or flogger.  He has figured out that there is more than one way to punish.   I am looking forward to what he comes up with next.

Sunday

Dragon works every Sunday but it is usually a short day.  Just a few hours.  It seems that we have gotten into a new routine.

He gets home and goes to the garage to enjoy his wood working.  After an hour or so I join him.  I go to my little workout space and read my book until he is to a stopping point.  My space is curtained off with tarps to keep the saw dust out.  It is surprisingly effective.

Eventually he joins me and we put on a movie.  I take off my shirt and sit at his feet on the soft mats I have down.   After lots of touching he pulls me to my feet and finishes undressing me.  When I am completely nude he positions me to his satisfaction.  I can hear the zipper of the toy bag open and the shuffling sound  the paddle collection shift as he chooses one.

Sometimes I get a warm up.  If he makes sure I am comfortable before the first swats, I know this is going to be more fun than serious.  If he places my hands on the weight bench and puts his arm around my waist, I know that it will be more serious.  The fun kind comes with laughter and love making.  The more serious one comes with a lecture given between swats.

I never know what is coming until I am nude and he positions my bottom to receive the weekly spanking.  I never thought that I could look forward to the unknown.  Yes, I know that a spanking is going to happen.  I know we are going to have sex.  I just don't know what kind.

I start getting antsy after church and by the time he gets home from work I am a mess.  Desire, dread, day dreams, need, regret.  All wrapped up together.

Yesterday, when it was time, I couldn't breathe. Spring can be unpredictable and my lungs don't like the wind that seems to constantly blow this time of the year.  No spanking of any kind for me.  I took antihistamines and went to bed.

Today, my bumside almost aches.  I need to feel that paddle.  I need the soreness that lingers into Monday.  My body is telling me that something is missing.  It is missing the sting of the paddle.

Today was a long day at work for Dragon.  I doubt he would even feel up to a well earned punishment.  I could slam doors all over the house and he would say 'shhh'.  That's okay.  My backside will have to wait.

Update!  Dragon got home after 8.  I had dinner timed perfect.  I was putting hot food on the table as he walked in the door.  After dinner he wanted to glue up the top for the book shelf.  It is a cross between shaker and mission style.  Unique but will fit into our home perfectly.

I waited a few minutes and went to my little area of the garage.  He came in as soon as he had the clamps tightened down.  We watched our show and talked about our day.

When it came time for make up spanks, it was somewhere between fun and serious.  Hard, fast and to the point but with a warm up.  He even used the flogger.

I am feeling much better.

Why Does TTWD Work?

Why does the thought of getting a barn burner of a punishment put me in my happy space?

I have worried over the answer to that question for years.  Ever since that very first punishment and we had the hottest sex ever before my tears even slowed.

I have an answer.  Domestic discipline is more than just about paddling my backside.  It is more than just pain. The sting of the paddle is just a small part of it.  Think about all the minutes in a day.  How many of those minutes are spent getting a spanking?  Less than two minutes on a regular day.  I'll say as many as 5 minutes for a reminder or bad punishment. That isn't a lot of time.  And it is only a small part of this thing we do.

It is about relationship.  Mutual respect and paying attention to each others needs.  It isn't about him exercising his omniscient power over the little wife.  It isn't about changing who I am but about bringing us closer together.

On my last post you saw our hard rules. Just three.  That's it.  One is to keep me safe from my own forgetfulness.  The next is to break a bad habit I formed during hard times and only one of them is his own pet peeve. The most recent rule came because I asked for help.  I have to be up and dressed my 8:30. Workout and showered my 10.

 Why does that give me the warm fuzzies?  Even knowing that I have already earned a punishment, he set a new rule because he loves me.  Because he cares.  When he gets home from work he will paddle my bare backside until tears fall from my eyes because he loves me and want to help me get back on my feet.

I feel loved because he loves me enough to take the time to listen.  To take action when I really need it even when it isn't pleasant. Even when my tears hurt him.  He does it because it is what we need as a couple.  We are closer. We touch more, make love more, kiss more and talk more when he is stepping up into his role as HOH.

I am happier when I am Taken in Hand. More relaxed when I know what my role in our marriage is.  He is more relaxed at home and more efficient at work when he is stepping up into his role as HOH.

Because I respect him.  Because I respect myself and integrity is important, I will ask to go to the garage tonight when he gets home. I will admit how hard it was to follow the new rules today and that I was defiant. Not just lazy but defiant.  There is a difference.  Depression I could get away with, a few minutes late I could get away with but it is the bad attitude I will confess because it is the right thing to do.

In will cry as he lectures me and the paddle heats my behind.  Then I will probably kneel in front of him while we watch a movie and make love.  The damage I did will be repaired and my guilt will be erased.  Tomorrow, when 8:30 rolls around my backside will still be sore.  I'll have one more reason to get up and move.

At the end of the day, we will both be in a better place.  I will feel absolutely loved because he took the time to help me beat these bad habits.  He will respect me for my honesty and forgive my defiance.  What has been a wedge in our relationship has turned into healing for both of us.

I get it now.

I am Taken in Hand.  I know that I am loved by my Dragon.

New Rules

Dragon has always been consistent with three rules.

1. Seat belt use
2. No cussing
3. No slamming doors

Just three little pet peeves he enforces even when all other aspects of DD seem to be gone and forgotten.

Now there is going to be something new.  A schedule to be followed.

My health stays on a roller coaster.  Up and down. This last down sent me into a downward spin.  Now that I am feeling much better I am having a hard time breaking my old habits.  The routine I followed out of necessity while I was at my sickest just keeps hanging on.

I asked for help and Dragon has decided to put me on a schedule. 15 minute tasks.  I am going to be micromanaged until I can do it on my own.   Enforced with the paddle.

This is the first time he has suggested something like this. We have tried schedule before but it was my idea. He didn't want to do it.  This is his idea.  I wonder if this is going to be another flop or if it is going to be a 4th rule that sticks.

Only my bottom will know.

Dragon has been sticking to the morning and evening swats.  Sunday reminders have been consistent and Wednesday has been added to the mix.  10-15 not so fun swats.  Somehow I think he is going to stick to it.  I won't be testing him any time soon.

Ps. I will be traveling soon.  My daughter's due date is approaching quickly. May 23 is the magic number. I am going out there to get her house ready a few weeks early.  Prayer for safe travels, a stress free trip and a healthy delivery!

Poor Dragon

He has gotten a taste of being a HOH again and he is hooked.  We are deep in the city.  Where parking spaces are rare and walking is the norm.  Our kids are playing in a music festival.  Fun stuff.  And all Dragon can think about is spanking my backside.

He is a man on a mission.

Every time I turn around he is showing me what is on his mind.  Whispered words, telling me what he is going to do to me as soon as we are alone.  A full-handed squeeze right where the belt left a sore spot.  Random swats and the caveman ponytail pull.

If he does everything he has hinted at, I won't be sitting for a week.  TWO weeks even!  He has my attention!  His PTSD is still here.  It never goes away but he isn't in a crisis.  I can identify his triggers again. And boy what a challenge.

He went from absolutely ZERO at home to obsessed. And he is obsessed with my backside!  I am loving this.  He asked me to read more books than would turn my switch on.  Naturally I asked for Corbins Bend books.  He delivered!

I love reading about ladies getting their first fun spanking and then a punishment.  Dragon loves listening to me retell the stories. An oral book report maybe?

I hope this lasts!  Morning and evening swats.  Daily tasks and the old rules are back.  

We are out on the town and he can't do what he wants to do.  Poor Dragon. He wants to yank my pants and panties down.  He wants to blister my backside and take his pleasure.

He has to wait.  Poor thing.

Soon Dragon.  When we get home you can have your way with me.

What Was That????

It wasn't a punishment.

Or was it?

Maybe?

I don't even know.  I just know that my fanny is on fire and probably a little more than just pink.  Dragon has learned a few things or remembered them?

How did I end up with a flaming fanny?  Long story but since you asked....

I have really missed spanking.  Fun ones, stress relievers and even punishment.  Yes, they are all different.  Over the spanking draught I broke the rules.  You remember them I am sure.  The 4 Ds?  Disobedience, Disrespect, Dangerous and Dishonesty.  I even bratted trying to get his attention.  I broke the rules and then some.

I didn't apologise.  I just kept doing what I wanted to do.  I slammed the door multiple times.  That is Dragon's biggest pet peeve.  Forgot my seatbelt.  Forgot my asthma medicine.  The List goes on and on.  The guilt doesn't bother me until the sun goes down.

After a week of sunrise spanks, I thought it was time to mention my guilt to Dragon.  He seems to be getting more comfortable turning my lower cheeks red than he has been in years.  I needed something more than just a few stinging smacks on my behind.

I haven't earned a punishment this week.  A punishment wasn't going to happen but I still needed to release the guilt.  The confessional helps but it isn't a priest that I needed forgiveness from.  It was Dragon.

Do you have any idea how hard that was?  Dragon called me on his lunch break today and I confessed.  All of it.  I asked for a spanking to cleanse the slate.  Not the little taps I had been getting but a real barn burner.

I will admit, I had my doubts.  Dragon refused to give me an answer.  I knew that he was going to spank me. He has every night this week. I just didn't know what kind.

He called me out to the garage and locked the door.  The piano bench was moved to the center of the room.  With my hands on the bench, he lifted my dress and pushed my panties down.  No protection for this one.  "Do you know that I love you? Do you know that I would never hurt you?"  After a short lecture that covered the last few months, the first swat hit.  It felt like liquid fire hitting my backside.  He continued to lecture me between swats. They landed fast but not so fast that he couldn't speak.

I counted them.  One, two, three, four, five.  I didn't know how many he planned to give or if he would make the swats just a little softer.  Six, seven and eight came very fast and just as hard.  I didn't know if I could take any more.  Nine, ten.

He pushed my panties back into place over my throbbing backside.  His arms brought comfort and he whispered "it is over"  I didn't cry.  Not over a "not a punishment" spanking but it was close.  My eyes were damp.  It has been a few hours and I still feel the heat.

Did that take care of the guilt? I don't know.  Let's wait and see if I sleep tonight.

Logic.  He spanks my backside so hard my eyes water and the sting lasts for hours.  And I'm hungry?  I can't keep my panties dry.  All I want is him.  I don't understand but I like it.

Morning after update!  Even though my backside is sore, Dragon still insisted on morning swats.  Several of them and they weren't light. Then he called me from the parking lot and reminded me that I am to use the plug.  That it is more than just staying ready to be taken.  He wants me to think about obedience and submitting to him even though he is at work.

Something about his HOH dominant attitude makes me weak in the knees.  I am totally TIH

Subspace and Safe words

We play hard but it has been a while since we have really had a scene that pushed limits.  The BELT pushed me hard.



It was a hard limit but not anymore.  I actually enjoyed it.  It has a biting sting that feels so different from the paddle or even the flogger.  I had to get past my fear of it to even begin to experience what the belt can do.  Pure pleasure.

As always Dragon started slow and easy.  First with his hand and then with the paddle.  Round one, he didn't even take off his belt.  Round two he warmed my backside up again, turning it a nice cherry red with the paddle.  When he felt me relax into the scene, the belt came off.

Kiss the leather and receive the benefits.  Lots of touching and caressing.  He made sure we stayed connected.  Swat, swat, touch. Rinse, repeat.  Slowly the light taps began to sting and finally bite hard.  Pleasant in a way that only a spanko could understand.

Every time a sound escaped my mouth, Dragon checked in for a safe word.  Green most of the time with just a few yellows.   As I began to sink into subspace, my answers came slower.  He ended everything when I couldn't answer him.

I was right on the edge.  Almost there and he ended it.

I understand why.  It was the belt and the fact that it has been so long.  He didn't want to scare me or do any damage.  It was for our pleasure.  For both of us. And when I can't respond, it is harder for him to judge how I am doing.

He said that I didn't sound right.  It was probably just the way I am going to react to the belt but he couldn't be sure.

Better safe than sorry.  It will take a few hard belt spankings to be sure.

He left me wanting more and with something new, that isn't a bad thing.  Sunday has been designated spanking day.  Not just one session but several.  I am sure the belt will be a regular part of our spanking routine.

Bad news.  My fanny isn't bruised.  Good news?  It is nice and sore.  He even gave me a few stinging swats before he left today.

Dragon really is back.  Happy dance!

The BELT!

I have a blind, absolute, world domination fear of the belt.  I would even call it a phobia.

But

Phobias can be overcome.  With patience, time and a LOT of hard work.

Dragon started with letting me see it in he's hand.  Then I had to kiss the belt before a paddling.  First just a touch on bare skin and then a tap or two.

Ever so gentle.  Dragon introduced me to the belt.  Slowly he built my confidence and erased the terror.

Tonight Dragon started with the paddle.  Just small little taps.  My bottom had to be prepared.  Slowly, he increased the intensity.  A little sting, a stronger sting and finally a real swats.

Yowza!  That man can swing a paddle.  Right on the sweet spot too!

Then came the belt.  Gentle at first.  Kissing, touching, soothing.  Then a little harder. Kiss the belt and a few more taps.

Then he really got down to business and I loved it.  No fear!  Simply sensation!  Just like the paddle and the floggers.  I could enjoy the stinging bite that is unique to the belt.

It won't take much to bring the fear back but I'll call tonight a success.

My fanny is multi colored and sore.  Just the way I like it.  All thanks to the belt!

Arrow

Why the song? Because I like it.  It really has nothing to do with my post. It is just that random of a day.

Dragon is slowly coming back to life.  He goes to the gym with me.  He is working in his workshop building pretty things. He even borrowed his father's welder and is making neat things for the house.  He has even gotten interested in a television series. "Arrow" is a super hero movie. I think it is based  off of a DC comic book.

He helped me get my workout room back into shape and after a workout in our little home gym, we watch Arrow.  Between episodes or during breaks he paddles my backside.

Yes, you read that correctly.  He has rediscovered his spanko side.  That makes me very happy.  No less than 4 sessions already this week.  

Happy me!!! And for more than one reason. I hope this lasts.

The List

When I first heard about The List, I thought it was an excellent idea.  10 things that you will always forgive.  The point is that you never write it down. When your husband makes you mad you just say, "That's on the list."

But I got to thinking.  Dangerous hobby, I know.

What I already do is better.  I look at what made me mad and ask myself a question.  Is this part of who he is?  If the answer is yes, I realize that there is nothing to forgive.  I promised to love this man for better and for worse.  To love him unconditionally.  All of him.  Even the parts that I don't like.  I accepted him as is.

Yes, I have a list.  No, I never wrote it down and it has absolutely nothing to do with forgiveness.  It has everything to do with acceptance and my love for Dragon.

If you hear me say, "That's on the list!"  You now know what it means.

Sensation Play

Yep, I'm still here.  Sorry I'm not posting much but life is super busy!  Not so busy that we aren't taking care of each other though.

One of my favorite scenes is sensation play. It totally blows my mind.  How many different sensations are there?  What does it do to you when a feather tickles your back at the same time a paddle hits the sweet spot with a ginger fig burning away deep inside your backside?

Confusion?

That is a start.

Now add in a blind fold and ear buds for sensory deprivation.  And bondage to make sure that you feel absolutely helpless.  Did I mention that we are in a large garage not our nice bedroom?

Feeling just a little vulnerable?

The paddle is put away and the floggers come out.  Endorphins go into overdrive.  My ability to resist is gone.  All that is left is acceptance and reaction.

The sharp blade of a knife scrapes across my skin.  The ginger plug is removed and refreshed by scoring it with a bamboo skewer.  The misery burn returns full force.  Clips go on my nipples and clit.  The flogger comes back out harder than before.  I can't see or hear.  I can't pull away.  Just feel the overwhelming mix of sensations.

Dragon removes the clips and I feel the sharp sensation that is anything but relief. I can't even rub my nipples to relieve the sting.  The paddle smacks my poor aching clit.  I am a quivering mess.

Do I focus on my nipples? Stinging back? The ginger fig or the paddle that is turning my backside a deep shade of red?

My nerve endings are singing with every sensation imaginable.

He removes the ginger fig, firmly holds my hips as he finally takes his pleasure.  He removes the head phones so that I can hear his praise as he takes me.

The blindfold is removed and then the rope.  He wraps me gently in a blanket and lays me down on the soft mats.  His hands sooth the leftover sting and I slowly come back to reality.

Sated, relaxed and absolutely content.

Good Memories

When I first married Dragon, we went to the gym several times a week.  He worked me hard.  150 lbs was a lot for a girl that didn't weigh 110.   The gym was our time together.

We worked every part of our bodies.  Back, chest, arms, and legs. Dragon sculpted my body like a master.  The muscles I developed seem to eat what little fat I had.

Gone.  Little by little

Fast forward several years.  Make that over 20

We are both out of shape and over weight.  Both of us know we are well past our prime.  My body won't win any contests or even finish a race.  Our goal isn't to pass a pt test or impress the guys at the fire department.

Our goal is simple.

To be healthy.  To get our weight under control, increase flexibility and move.  We both have chronic health issues.  We both struggle but we are still trying.

Every time we go to the gym, I smile.  I remember those early days of our marriage.  Our love for each other was blooming.  Today our bodies are wearing out.  Other people probably don't see us as good looking.  But I know what I see when I look at him.  I see the man I love with every fiber of my being.

Dressing for a Wedding

I have been a space cadet for the last few days.  I had a last minute project for the bride and have been working like crazy to get it done.  Everything has revolved around the project.

I finally finished about an hour before we had to leave.  Clean, showed and conditioned I started the process of dressing.

First the stockings.  On one foot, then the other.  All the way up and then I figured it out.

Oops

I forgot my panties!

I was too tired to fix the oversight.  Dressed, without panties....

Blag.

What a day

The Attraction of Rope

What keeps me coming back for more bondage? I think it is time to share a little bit of it on my little blog.

Sorry.  No photos.  My hands are all tied up and my Dragon just a little busy.

For rope play, first you have to absolutely trust the person who has the rope. There is nothing worse in this life than realising you are completely helpless and trusted the wrong person.  If you don't have that trust, you can't fully experience the pleasure of the ropes.  Waiting for him to cross a hard limit.

Rope is all about feeling.  Feeling the rope against bare skin.  The tightness and texture.  It is emotional.  Helpless.  Powerful.  Humiliating.  Restricting.  Freedom!  Security. Safety.  Risk taking.

Do you see a little conflict there?

You have to be safe.  Rope can do permanent, lasting damage.  Don't just get rope and go at it. Find someone with real knowledge and learn how to play safe.

All tied up, I don't have to be in control.  I don't have to think about anything other than the rope and what I am feeling. Love it.

Everything comes back to rope.  This is where our kinky adventures began.

All Tied Up

Bondage is the next best thing to impact play and last night, I got all tied up!  Fun night.  Jute rope has an interesting feel.  It took minutes for me to drop off into the edge of sub space.  Love that feeling.

It is called rope night.  Supposedly to learn but I really think it is just a chance for the tops to find a willing bottom.  Fun stuff.

Back in the real world I made a decision. Instead of being overwhelmed by the piles of laundry that need to be washed and folded I am going to be thankful.  We have clothes to wear, a washer to get them clean and a place to put our nice clean clothes away.

Life is good.  Bondage, spanking and clean clothes.  :-)

Answers

From Facebook?

Yep

I saw a suggested link that mentioned language issues.  Aphasia.  Now it has a name. One of those scary thing that doctors have blown off. At times, I can't understand spoke language.  The article was about migraine headaches.

Then I took a trip over to Web md.

• Severe, throbbing pain, often on one side of your head
• A pins-and-needles feeling, often moving from your hand up your arm
• Numbness on one side of your body, which can include your arm, leg, and/or one side of your face
• Weakness or paralysis on one side of your body
• Loss of balance and coordination
• Visual aura, such as seeing zigzag lines, double vision, or blind spots
• Language difficulties, such as mixing words or trouble remembering a word
• Slurred speech
• Dizziness or vertigo
• Nausea and vomiting
• Extreme sensitivity to light, sound, and smell
• Confusion
• Decreased consciousness or coma

Wow!  This describes everything!  Dragon says that it looks like I am having a stroke.  It is scary.  One side of my face droops, I can't understand language, getting lost on familiar streets, falling, dropping things.  The flashing lights, the way things look shiny. 

All of this goes right back to the migraines. 

An MD called them rebound headaches. Two neurologists called me a faker.  I was afraid.  Still am even though I know it gets better. Dropping a jug of cranberry juice at the grocery store makes a huge mess. Admitting that I can't understand what someone is saying is embarrassing but they get frustrated when I keep saying "what?"  

I'm not a whiner or a squeaky wheel.  When I am told that I am a faker, I assume that no one will believe me. 

I am going to make a list and keep a headache journal. When I have everything together I am going to ask!  "Could all of this be linked to my migraines?" and ""What can be done about it?"

I never would have linked all of those things together.  Just wow.  Facebook?  Yep.  

This is a strange world we live in. 

A Gentle Reminder

Dragon doesn't stay triggered all the time.  Most of the time he is his usual, happy self.  Sunday he showed me that the rules didn't go out the window.

 I don't remember where we were going but something was forgotten in the house.  No idea what.  We were running very late.  I ran back in the house, grabbed the forgotten item and hopped back in the car.

And we were off....

For the second time...

And I forgot my seatbelt.

Oops.  That is one of Dragon's pet peeves.  Seatbelts will be worn.  No excuses. No exceptions.

Instead of a trip to the garage, I got a gentle warning.  He will give me a few before he decides to take care of the seat of the problem. If I keep forgetting my seatbelt, he won't hesitate and it won't be fun.

Yep.  Dragon is still my Dragon.  That didn't change.  The only difference is that I told you how bad the ptsd gets at times.

Ps.  If. IF we can get the ada letter withdrawn he should be promoted to a full time position in a few months.  Cross your fingers.  JOB security...  imagine that?  AND  40 hour work weeks.

Yes please.

Living With PTSD

Things have leveled out again but living with PTSD is a little like this.

It is a wild ride.  Emotions are turned all the way on or completely off. Anger, fear, happiness.  All of it.

The wild ride continues....

This is what we deal with every day.  Yes, we are still a DD couple and kinky.  We love to play and explore the more serious side.  The structure actually helps.

One day at a time.

crisis

Pray for my Dragon please.  Things are headed right back to November.  I kept him on the phone. We have a plan of action.   Bluetooth is a wonderful invention. I keep him focused on the job.

Putting the Peices Together

PTSD is a puzzle.  Every year Dragon adds a little to the story.  He will put another piece in the puzzle.  This year he told me a story about the Christmas tree.  Seeing that small, lonely tree with no presents under it, decorated with odds and ends.  It is a trigger.  The huge, giant tree in the middle of the living room floor is a PTSD trigger.  Even though our tree is not small and is decorated with our memories, it is still a trigger.  Christmas songs, tinsel, jingle bells.  Even the words "Merry Christmas"  After all these years, he figured that one out. 

This week I figured out another one.  Dragon made an agreement with a supervisor to get a regular day off every week.  It worked great.  He came up with the idea and put it into motion.  A new supervisor walked in the door and said it doesn't matter.  That agreement is out the window.  For months Dragon has had to fight for days off.  He has been getting more migraines than ever and not getting any sleep.  The panic attacks, flash backs and mood swings are almost constant.  Every week he looks at the schedule and sees that he doesn't have a day off and it gets even worse.  Back in November I thought he was going to need to be admitted.  It was just that bad. 

He was working 70-80 hours a week with no end in sight and fighting for every off day.  If he dared to call in he was written up.  The stress was getting to all of us.  He started seeing a doctor to try to reign it in.  Just the day off for the two hour round trip helped more than the doctor did.  It has been a mess.

Yesterday, I placed another piece in the puzzle.  It fell right into place.

In Afghanistan he worked 24/7 for 7 months strait.  There were no days off.  There was no day pass or R&R.  Just constant work.  Day in and day out.  When he sees that schedule with no off days, it puts him right back on the battle field.  He hears the bombs.  He smells the burned skin.  He hears the screams.  He sees the blood on his hands. 



All day

All night

Without end

Until he gets a day off.  Then the nightmare ends and he can breath. 

He has to see that day printed in black and white on a schedule tacked to the bulletin board.  He needs it just like he needs food, shelter, love and purpose in life.  It is the security that he needs.  The knowledge that he isn't back on the battle field.  That he is home safe and will never have to return. 

One day at a time. 

Breath....

This too shall end.

One of the supervisors knows how bad his PTSD really is.  Another one now knows why he needs to see that day on the schedule. 

One foot in front of the other. 

Please pray for my Dragon.  PTSD doesn't ever go away.  He will never truly be healed.  There are just good days and really bad days.  Pray for him please.  I am his rock in a world of sand but even I am starting to feel a little shaky. 

Every day, on average 22 vets commit suicide.  That number is unacceptable.  I pray that my Dragon does not become a statistic. 

I am spoiled

Even in spandex workout pants, I like my panties.  I feel naked without them.  It is the real reason I hate swimsuits.  My backside feels bare. I can't even handle butt floss panties.  I rather floss my teeth when I brush them, not in the middle of Winco.

Yes.  I am spoiled rotten.

I am trying.  Just in my little room while I work out with Tony Horton on the flat screen.

I have a gym membership but I am to bashful. For now I am going to keep the bare bottom for the privacy of my own garage. I am freezing my buns off but in a few months it will be an oven.

Ps Dragon has been known to take my panties for punishment and just to see my red upper cheeks.

Keeping Busy

I worked more on my garage room today.  The workout equipment is all back in place and the mats are ready to go down.  We are going to take out a table that just collects junk and another one that I have a flat screen tv set up on.  I need more floor space.  The tv can mount on the wall and I have a higher shelf I can sit the DVD player.

Progress.  I am beating this depression little by little.

I may have earned a spanking today.  Dragon wants me to go to the gym today but I am already tired. I moved heavy equipment around outside.  The punching bag has a new home.  That thing isn't light.  I moved the bench into place and most of the weights. Everything has been repositioned. My shoulders ache and I am wheezing from all the dust.

But I still disobeyed.  I could have worked legs but I chose to whine.  Totally wimped out.  I got shy about my body.  Out of shape and plump.

We shall see.  Dragon may agree that I did enough or he may go all HOH on me.  I wasn't supposed to move the equipment on my own.  I wasn't supposed to do more than clear the middle of the floor.  AND I was supposed to go to the gym.  I never know what Dragon will do.

Honestly, he will probably give me a pass but then again.....  he has been kinda bossy here lately.  I said that I would confess.  That I would be more honest with Dragon. That is what I am going to do.  Even if it gets me spanked. The fact still remains.  I did too much.  The gym would be a bad idea.

Privacy With Teenagers

Getting a private moment for some impact play is difficult with teenagers in the house.  The sound of the paddle echoes in the house and they are old enough to figure out what is going on.  That is why the garage is so important.

I have a workout space sectioned off in the garage. A little temporary room I have managed to make private. My weight equipment is out there.  Mats protect feet from the cold concrete.  I have a space heater and an a.c..  The toy bag has a hook on the wall and a chair for spanking fun sits in the corner.

The problem is that none of the walls  are finished and the attic is completely open. When I look up I see rafters and the underside of the roof. My efforts to heat and cool my little room are pointless.  I is always cold in the winter and oven hot in the summer.  Nothing is there to keep the temperature regulated.

After a trip to the hardware store that is changing.  I am covering the walls and ceilings.  Nothing fancy.  We are calling the look industrial chick.  With just the ceiling and one wall covered we can already tell a huge difference.

The room is a disaster. All my equipment us pushed to the middle of the floor.  It is hard to move but progress is being made.

Happy dance.

We still have work to do but we had to try out the improvements.  I took off my shirt and Dragon gave me a good flogging.  Heaven!  The room was a little cool but not freezing cold.

Much improved!  I am going to get more work done out there today.  I can't get on the ladder but I can reach the lower half of the wall easy.